British Olympic boxer Bradley Saunders has been questioned by police on suspicion of dealing cocaine.

He was held after a police sniffer dog found what was believed to be £12,000 of the drug in the back garden of his home in Sedgefield, County Durham. 

Admitted a rueful Saunders: “In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done so much bragging about my knockout blow.”

Tags: sports, britain, cocaine, knockout blow, bradley saunders, boxing

To the crack of the bat, the cadence of the quarterback and the thwack of a tennis racket, add a new element to America’s sports soundtrack — the shrieks, cries and shouts of N.B.A. players as they try to put the ball in the basket.
...
“I guess once word got out that more often than not, you make a noise going to the basket, you’ll get a foul call, it just became second nature for a lot of guys,” said the Knicks’ Malik Rose, a veteran forward in his 13th year, who cited [Kobe] Bryant, Vince Carter and Allen Iverson as trendsetters.

The Bryant family home.

Kobe Bryant: Girls, you have about two minutes to get up.
Natalia Bryant: Aw, Dad.
Kobe Bryant: ...before Daddy starts serving his patented #24 Laker slam-dunk free-throw omelettes!
Natalia Bryant: YAYYYY
Friend of Natalia: YAYYYY
Natalia Bryant: OMG DADDY I LOVE U
Friend of Natalia: Your dad is the coolest!!
Kobe Bryant: First, we need to crack open these eggs.
Kobe Bryant: OW
Friend of Natalia: What’s wrong?!
Kobe Bryant: Nothing’s wrong!  These eggs look great.
Kobe Bryant: Now we’re going to gently saute some shallots in butter.
Kobe Bryant: ARGH
Friend of Natalia: Oh no!  Did you hurt yourself?!
Natalia Bryant: He’s fine.
Kobe Bryant: Of course I am!  Mmmm, that smells good.
Kobe Bryant: Where did I put that whisk?  Oh, here it is.
Kobe Bryant: EEK
Friend of Natalia:
Natalia Bryant:
Kobe Bryant: EEEEEEEEEEEK
Friend of Natalia: I feel like I shouldn’t be watching this.

Tags: sports, basketball, vince carter, los angeles lakers, allen iverson, kobe bryant's patented #24 laker slam-dunk free-throw omelettes, shrieking, kobe bryant, nba

Last night, we received a call from people that are closest to [Tennessee Titans quarterback] Vince [Young] informing us that he had left his house in a state of mind that had them concerned; and that he was unreachable, having left his cell phone at the house. Not having all the facts available to us and approaching the matter prudently, we contacted Metro Police to make them aware of the situation and asked for their assistance in locating Vince.

FACTS AVAILABLE TO JEFF FISHER AND THE TITANS
Vince Young sprained his left knee late in the Titans’ win on Sunday.
Vince Young was supposed to have an MRI on that knee Monday, but opted not to.
Vince Young spent time with a psychologist earlier that evening.
The psychologist felt that Vince Young was very depressed.
Sometimes, depressed people experience fluctuations in appetite.
Vince Young has proven to be a somewhat emotional player in his three years in Tennessee.
Vince Young left his house so suddenly on Monday night he forgot his cell phone.
When stressed, sometimes people turn to food for comfort.
As a professional athlete, Vince Young is generally a pretty hungry guy.

FACT NOT AVAILABLE TO JEFF FISHER AND THE TITANS
While police, team officials, and loved ones made phone calls and searched the streets of Nashville, Vince Young was with friends at Steve McNair’s office, watching football and eating chicken wings.

Tags: sports, football, vince young, nashville, tennessee titans, jeff fisher, steve mcnair, chicken wings

San Diego Chargers running back and former league MVP, LaDainian Tomlinson, tackles his own workday while refueling on Campbell’s Chunky soup in the appropriately titled “Working Day” campaign ... “Hard-working men and women know that they can look to a soup like Chunky Beef with Country Vegetables to get satisfied with lean meat protein and hearty vegetables,” said Campbell’s Chunky soup Brand Manager Doug Brand.
...
“Working Day” is set in LT’s office—100 yards of grass in a packed stadium—where he’ll put in a hard day’s work facing run-ins with co-workers (defensive players), pleasing his boss (Coach Turner) ... not to mention getting noticed by the people ‘at the top’ (fans), all before he refuels on the lean meat protein in Chunky Steak ‘N’ Potato soup.

From the notebook of: Campbell’s Chunky™ soup Brand Manager Doug Brand™

NOTES for LaDainian Tomlinson “Working day” campaign
LT = hardworking man
---> like at a job!
uhhhh
LT’s job should be compared to… other people’s jobs ???
YES
analogs needed:

LT -> average american worker
playing a game with a ball for money -> job
coach -> boss
stadium -> office
parking lot -> smaller parking lot
other football players -> co-workers whose job it is to leap on you and pin you to the ground
fans -> “people at the top” to whom you are presumably subordinate and yet they are the ones paying hundreds and thousands of dollars to watch you staple things or drive a forklift
goalposts -> the fax machine
cheerleaders -> pornography downloaded to office computer in folder misleadingly (and, on contemplation, incriminatingly) titled, “pictures of the kids”
celebratory halftime squadron of helicopters that fire real missiles at stuff -> the time Herb Accounts-Payable from accounting couldn’t get the vending machine to dispense a bag of skittles and instead knocked it over, incurring a hernia and creating a minor electrical fire
...

this idea is awesome

all that remains is to consult the campbells Chunky Checklist™ ad campaign checklist:
RELATABLE: CHECK
FOOTBALL: CHECK
‘HARDWORKING” EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO THE PREPARATION OF FOOD: CHECK

Tags: sports, football, the preferred burgoo of super bowl loser donovan mcnabb, campbells soup, san diego chargers, campbells chunky soup brand manager doug brand, ladainian tomlinson

Eighty percent of women say they’re unhappy with their appearance, and 67% of women ages 25 to 45 are trying to shed pounds—though 53% of those women are already at a healthy weight. The report also cited a study in which 69% of the respondents (18 and older) said they were in favor of plastic surgery—a 7% increase from 2006.

With the media playing a larger role in our daily lives, young girls are more susceptible to low self-esteem—based on beauty ideals—than ever before and are subject to greater harassment. “The use of aggressive bullying between girls has been on the rise since the early 1990s, based on issues such as physical attributes and social status,” states one study. According to another: “Mean girls . . . often don’t grow out of the behavior and they become adult women who exhibit the same behavior.” And we thought trash-talking on the basketball court was bad.

An apartment common room.  Dave is reading Sports Illustrated on the couch, his eyes red and unhappy.  Brad enters.

Dave, attempting to conceal the magazine under his person: Oh.  Hey Brad.
Brad: What’s happening, dogg.
Dave: I’m just, uh—yeah, just kind of hanging out.
Brad: What’s that you got there.
Dave: It’s noth—I mean, got what?  I don’t have anything.
Dave, with sudden anger: WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET OFF MY CASE.
Brad: Dogg.  You have to stop reading Sports Illustrated.
Dave:
Brad:
Dave: I am never going to have a decent jump shot.
Brad crosses to the couch and puts his arm around Dave, whose chin is quivering.
Brad, with quiet vehemence: Those guys are idiots.  You hear me?  You have a great jumper.  Most guys can’t even dream of having your jumper.
Dave, choking back tears with huge gulping sounds: Yeah.  No, I know.  Yeah.
Brad: Dave, I found this on the kitchen counter.
Brad produces a plastic surgery brochure.
Dave shakes his head helplessly.
Brad, softly: Dave, these cost tens of thousands of dollars.  And they’re not gonna help you make a prettier layup.  All they do is put collagen in your wrists—Dave, the guys on the court are gonna know.
Dave, almost inaudibly: It’s worth it.
Brad: It’s NOT worth it.
Brad: Dave.  Listen to me.  Eighty percent of men are unhappy with their crossover dribble.
Dave: [unintelligible]
Brad: Eighty percent.  And 67% are working on a more effective crossover—even though 53% already have an optimal crossover for their height and weight.
Dave:
Brad: Just promise me you’ll think about this before doing something you might regret.  Promise me.
Dave:
Brad:

The next day, on the court.
Pickup Basketball Player Number One: Dave!  Man!  Your three-point percentage is wack.
Pickup Basketball Player Number Two: Yeah, it’s all wack and shi—
Brad, furiously: DON’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO HIM.
Pickup Basketball Players:
Brad: DON’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ALL OF US.

Tags: sports, basketball, gender wars, sports illustrated, body image

With Phelps’ made-in-the-USA credentials and a Woods-like victory scream, [ad executive Bob] Dorfman says he can envision the swimmer pitching everything from McDonald’s and men’s grooming products to cereal and energy bars.

“He could co-star with Mom in those Campbell’s Chunky Soup commercials or model Hanes underwear,” Dorfman says. “He’s entered that global icon phase where you can see him alongside Tiger and (tennis’ Roger) Federer in those Gillette spots. He looks like he could use some dental work. Maybe there’s something there, too.”

You have been invited to a conference chat with AtOnePhelpsWhoop. Do you accept? y

bobdorfman: michael!  whats happening
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  Oh man!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’m just so fired up for this conference chat!
bobdorfman: im glad to hear it!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  It’s just an unbelievable feeling!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I don’t even know what to say right now!
bobdorfman: okay!
bobdorfman: well, michael, i was hoping we could discuss the packet i sent you
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’ve just had this dream of being in a conference chat and putting all this work my whole life into conference chatting and now it’s all finally falling into place and I don’t know what to say!
bobdorfman: regarding the endorsement deals i think Baker Street Partners could get you
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I don’t even totally know what just happened!
bobdorfman: um
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’m sure it’ll sink in later!
bobdorfman: you know what, michael
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  Boy, am I fired up!
bobdorfman: we’re just two professionals, talking to each other
bobdorfman: so if it makes you feel more comfortable, you can drop the media-relations training language
AtOnePhelpsWhoop has gone suddenly cold and severe in manner, his boyish mouth now gray and contemptuous, his eyes now great empty Arctic deserts.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  VERY WELL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  SPEAK YOUR PIECE TO THE PHELPS AND BE DONE.
bobdorfman: michael, you are no doubt aware that you’ve become a global icon
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE PHELPS IS AWARE OF ALL THINGS, CRINGING MORTAL.
bobdorfman: um… yes
bobdorfman: so you know those commercials, where a guy is using a plain old normal razor, and then tiger woods uses a golf club to knock it out of his hands
bobdorfman: and roger federer takes his racquet and backhands him a gillette razor, like, whap
bobdorfman: what i’m trying to say is, you could be in that
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: ROGER FEDERER.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: WORLD NUMBER TWO ROGER FEDERER.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: NUMBER TWO.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: TIGER WOODS, THE MINCING CRIPPLE.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SUGGEST THAT I AM IN THEIR COMPANY.
bobdorfman: on page two we have the chunky soup deal
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: I HAVE REVIEWED YOUR SOUP PROPOSAL AS WELL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: CAMPBELLS CHUNKY SOUP.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE PREFERRED BURGOO OF SUPER BOWL LOSER DONOVAN MCNABB.
bobdorfman: well or you know um youve got the hanes thing, with michael jordan, cuba gooding jr
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: INDEED.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE WORLD IS ACHINGLY FAMILIAR WITH CUBA’S TIRESOME LUST FOR THE PAUNCHY EX-BULL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: AND EQUALLY FAMILIAR WITH THE LATTER’S INEXPLICABLE CO-HABITATION WITH ACTOR KEVIN BACON, WITH THEIR SHARED FONDNESS FOR SOFT FABRICS ON THEIR WRINKLING FADING SKIN.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SEEK TO MATCH ME WITH THESE SPUTTERING EX-MEN.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SEE FIT THUS TO MOCK THE PHELPS.
bobdorfman: let me just throw this out there
bobdorfman: your teeth, theyre not perfect
bobdorfman: we could get you a deal with literally your choice of dentist
AtOnePhelpsWhoop has just done four miles of butterfly.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: IN THE TIME YOU HAVE SPENT CLUMSILY PECKING AT YOUR KEYBOARD, I DID FOUR MILES OF BUTTERFLY.
bobdorfman: i know, it said that in the thing
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: SILENCE, APE.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOUR RACE AND ITS FEEBLE CHALLENGES HOLD NO FURTHER INTEREST FOR ME.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: MY CURRENT AD REPRESENTATIVE SHARES MY DESIRE TO CONQUER THE MEANINGFUL THREE QUARTERS OF THIS PLANET.
bobdorfman: huh
bobdolphin has entered the conference chat.
bobdolphin: reet reeek eeep reeeeetep
bobdorfman: i fucking knew you were gonna sign with the dolphin.
bobdorfman: fuck.
bobdorfman has left the conference chat.

bobdolphman: reeett reeeeeeetttt
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: OH MAN, I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT I COULD GET ON A BOX OF “WHEATIES”
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: I AM SO FIRED UP ABOUT THIS, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Tags: sports, marketing, olympics, the preferred burgoo of super bowl loser donovan mcnabb, tiger woods, roger federer, kevin bacon, swimming, michael phelps, dolphins, michael jordan, cuba gooding jr.

Pirates took four European tourists hostage after their yacht ran out of fuel off the coast of northern Somalia in the Red Sea’s Gulf of Aden, according to a Somaliland official.

The pirates then took their hostages—a man, woman, their child and their yacht’s pilot—into hills around the fishing town of Las Qoray, said Ahmed Yusuf Yasin, vice president of the self-declared Republic of Somaliland.

...

Yasin said he believed the hostages were either French or German.

Pirates took four American League players hostage yesterday after they inadvertently wandered too close to the Pittsburgh dugout, according to a clubhouse official.

The Pirates (tentatively identified as Nate McLouth, Xavier Nady, and Tom Gorzelanny) then took their hostages—a pitcher, shortstop, and two outfielders—into the team’s locker room, said Brian Garrity, president and treasurer of the self-declared Bucs Nation Ultimate Fanclub (BNUF).

Garrity said he believed the hostages were either Mariners or Yankees.

Tags: international relations, sports, baseball, somalia, flippant interpretations of genuinely traumatic events, pittsburgh pirates, pirates

A Japanese firm has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around $175, with a target market of lonely adult men.

Using her infrared sensors and battery power, the diminutive damsel named “EMA” puckers up for nearby human heads, entering what designers call its “love mode”.
...
“She’s very lovable and though she’s not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend.”

EMA, which stands for Eternal Maiden Actualization, can also hand out business cards, sing and dance, with Sega hoping to sell 10,000 in the first year.

one-of-the-guys robot
Throw away your remote!  ROB can communicate wirelessly with any television, VCR, DVD player, stereo system, and gaming console, and will respond to voice commands.  Just set him on the couch and watch as he grunts, uses his fully articulated arms to pass the chips, and analyzes video input from a television screen to exclaim one of five phrases at the appropriate time (with up to 95% accuracy):
1. “They really need to start driving into the paint if they want to win this one.”
2. “Somebody better get that ump some glasses.”
3. “INTERCEPTION. YES!”
4. “That guy’s on my fantasy team.  He has been something of a disappointment.”
5. “Mama, there goes that man!

dutiful Jewish daughter robot
SARA automatically calls your mother at a frequency you designate, and uses interactive voice-recognition technology to carry on a conversation based on up to 40 pre-recorded phrases you program into her.  Test users have had success with statements such as:
“Hi Mom, I was thinking of making brisket tonight.  Could you remind me of the recipe?”
“Yes, I’m wearing a sweater.  Yes, I’m wearing a bra under it.  No, Mom, I do not constantly walk around ‘with my nipples showing.’ “
“Well, his name is Ira, and he’s a cardiologist.”

gay best friend robot
If man’s best friend is a dog, a girl’s best friend is LANCE!  He can sing and dance, and is always there to listen to your problems. He also comes equipped with color-swatch matching technology: hold up two pieces of fabric and LANCE will shimmy if they complement each other, or cringe if they clash.

Coming to stores this fall, an upgraded model, CLINT, can also analyze visual and auditory input and choose one of 22 phrases appropriate for the situation, including:
“Oooh, the triple-lutz is coming up!  That one always makes me nerrrr-vous!”
“Sweetie, you know I love you, and I think you’re fabulous, but I cannot let you leave the house in those shoes.  No, no. No.”
“Shhhh, everybody!  This is the part where Daniel Craig walks out of the ocean in the short little shorts.”
“Darling, could you pass the Rocky Road?  Oh, I’m so bad!”
“Listen to me: he doesn’t deserve you.”

Tags: sports, technology, robots, love, dutiful jewish daughters

Former People magazine “Most Eligible Bachelor” Gary Zerola was among the dozens of revelers arrested in downtown Boston as some fans went wild over the Celtics’ 17th NBA championship win.

Zerola - a Boston attorney who was acquitted on sexual assault charges in two separate cases in Massachusetts this year, and saw a Florida rape case dropped this month - was arraigned this morning on charges of assault and battery on a police officer, disturbing the peace, and resisting arrest.

Zerola was allegedly urinating near the intersection of State and Congress Streets at about 1:45 a.m. when a Boston police officer monitoring the behavior of Celtics fans asked him what he was doing, according to Jake Wark, spokesman for Suffolk District Attorney Daniel Conley.
...
Zerola told a Herald reporter the incident was a “misunderstanding.”

Inside of a courtroom, Boston’s Edward W. Brooke Courthouse, 10:20am
Judge: You again, eh?
Zerola: Yes, your honor.
Judge, peering around the courtroom: Which young lady was it this time?
Zerola: No, your honor.  This time it was about public urination.
Judge: You have to stay out of trouble.  If you don’t, you’re going to wind up back here and in jail for 60 days. Do you understand me?
Zerola: Very clearly, your honor.

Concession stand, ground floor of the Courthouse, 10:55am
Comely Young Girl Behind the Counter: What can I get you, sir?
Zerola: Have you ever heard that Errol Flynn met his second wife when she was selling concessions at a courthouse?
CYGBC: Who’s Errol Flynn?
Zerola: He was a famous actor in the 1940s.  A swashbuckler.  A rogue.  A man about town.  A man not very different from myse—
CYGBC: What was he doing in the courthouse?
Zerola: Well, actually, he was on trial for statutory rape.
CYGBC: [does not appear impressed]
Zerola: But he was acquitted.
CYGBC: Yuh-huh.  And what are you doing in this courthouse?
Zerola: It’s a long story, sweetheart.  How ‘bout I just show you?
CYGBC: Sir, what are you—oh my God.

Back inside the courtroom, 11:13am
Judge:
Zerola:
Judge: What did i just—
Zerola: I know.

Tags: sports, crime, swashbucklers, boston, gary zerola, festive urination

When he was an active player, it was easy to admire [retiring German goalkeeper] Oliver Kahn, but it was very hard to love him...for Oliver Kahn, football was never a game and, as he has said on numerous occasions, he never really enjoyed himself on a football pitch.
...
[I]n 1999, he grabbed Dortmund’s Andreas Möller by the ear, delivered a kung-fu styled kick aimed at Stephane Chapuisat and then pretended to bite Heiko Herrlich in the neck - all in one game.

You have been invited to a conference chat with OLI_THE_GOALIE.  Do you accept? n
You have been invited to a conference chat with OLI_THE_GOALIE.  Do you accept? n
You have been invited to a conference chat with OLI_THE_GOALIE.  Do you accept? y

OLI_THE_GOALIE: WHy you did not accept the chat Michael Rensing?
SimplyGutRensing: it was a typo
OLI_THE_GOALIE: I have been watching you in the TV
OLI_THE_GOALIE: ANd I am quite displeased actualy!!!
OLI_THE_GOALIE: If you want to follow in the footsteps of OLI KAHN YOU MUST PLAY DIFFERENT
SimplyGutRensing: actually i have not given up a goal in 423 minutes of play
OLI_THE_GOALIE: FOOTBALL IS NOT A GAME
OLI_THE_GOALIE: You cannot just be PLAYING AROUND out there!!@
OLI_THE_GOALIE: I did not see you give to anyone a bite
SimplyGutRensing: i am trying to develop my own style
OLI_THE_GOALIE: YOu did not even take the knuckles and rub them into a mans head
OLI_THE_GOALIE: On a day in 1999 I achieved the most professional “trick of the hat” of all time:
OLI_THE_GOALIE: Kick, Bite, Grab An Ear
OLI_THE_GOALIE: DO YOU THINK I ENJOYED THIS???
SimplyGutRensing: so far we are undefeated without this antics
OLI_THE_GOALIE: UNdefeated, perhaps
OLI_THE_GOALIE: BUt also very decadent I think
SimplyGutRensing: i have to go practice
OLI_THE_GOALIE: Practice pummeling a mans stomach with your elbows?
SimplyGutRensing: no
OLI_THE_GOALIE: Raking the fingernails along a buttock like atiger??
SimplyGutRensing: no
OLI_THE_GOALIE: Implementing the Javanese FLying Squirrel??
SimplyGutRensing: i dont even know what that is
OLI_THE_GOALIE: >:0
OLI_THE_GOALIE: I have failed you as a teacher.
OLI_THE_GOALIE has kneed you in the eyeball.
SimplyGutRensing: owwwww
SimplyGutRensing: how is this even possible to do in a chat

Tags: sports, conference chat, football, raking the fingernails along a buttock like a tiger, fc bayern, oliver kahn, germany

Giambi doesn’t plan to hang up his cleats just yet, but he’s not exactly ruing the day he does. “After A-Rod retires, he wants to be a real estate mogul, the next Donald Trump,” Giambi says. “I could care less. As long as I can have a fast boat and a margarita machine and can light my hair on fire, I’ll be just fine.”

“And a surgeon on hand who knows how to do skin grafts, I guess.  You know, just in case.”

Tags: sports, baseball, jason giambi, new york yankees, a fast boat and a margarita machine

Jason Giambi has a deep, dark secret. Deeper than his compulsion to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door, and darker than his dream of growing up to be a heavy-metal musician.

The deepest, darkest secret harbored by the New York Yankees first baseman is that whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. “I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump,” he confides.

“When my baserunning speed is flagging, of course, my black leather garters are plenty lucky,” Giambi says.  “You don’t want to do anything too crazy over a minor problem like that.  And when I’m having trouble with my throwing arm, a little Autumn Dusk toenail polish usually does the trick, no fuss, no muss.”

“During the playoffs, the stakes are obviously higher, so in those situations I find I usually need to slip into into a Victoria’s Secret Angels Air™ push-up bra in all-over lace,” muses the 37-year-old first baseman and designated hitter.

“I usually reserve my vintage Elizabethan-era corset for the really bad times,” he continues, ignoring this reporter’s growing discomfort. 

“Of course, you didn’t always have to resort to this kind of [stuff],” adds the slugger.  “Used to be, you could just juice yourself up and call it a day.”

Tags: sports, baseball, new york yankees, jason giambi, gold lamé tiger-stripe thong, no fuss no muss

Alfredsson hadn’t even practiced with his teammates before deciding to take the warmup and suit up for the game. He didn’t look anywhere close to 100 percent, gingerly making his way around the ice and trying his best to avoid the high-traffic areas.

“He obviously wasn’t at full speed, you could see that, but he had hands, he had a couple of scoring chances,” Senators coach Bryan Murray said. “If anybody questions Daniel Alfredsson’s character again, I think I’ll approach them in an unkind way and set them straight.”

Two Ottawans confer quietly in a shaded alcove of Scotiabank Place.

Ottawan #1, dismissively: This Daniel Alfredsson.
Ottawan #2: Pfah.
O1: I know it is not wise to say, but I think he has not hands.  Nor scoring chances.  And surely you have seen the less than 100 percentedness with which he, eh…
O2: Ptui.
O1, waving printout of AP recap: He is less than 100 percent.  This means he is a fraction, you know.  A fraction!  Of something.
O2: haaack
O1:
O2: HAAACK
O1: Um
O2: Wooo-it.
O1: I tell you this—I am moved to question the character of Daniel Alfredsson.
Footsteps from down the hall.
O1: MON DIEU, WHAT HAVE I DONE
O2: C’EST BRYAN MURRAY
O2: L’MERDE
Bryan Murray appears.  He is flicking ketchup at people.
O1, pleading: S’il vous plaît!  Monsieur Murray!  This is not a polite thing!!
Bryan Murray, marching toward them remorselessly: You have an irritating voice.  That haircut, that you think looks cool, actually reminds people of how fat your neck is.  Every day, someone on Facebook decides to no longer be your friend.  When you are around, it sort of smells like old fish heads.
Bryan Murray stops in front of the cowering Ottawans.
BM: Do not question Daniel Alfredsson’s character again.  Yes?
O1: I understand.
BM: Good.  It was a pleasure approaching you in an unkind way, and then setting you straight.
Bryan Murray strides briskly away.

O1: I guess we should have seen that coming.
O2: SACRE L’MERDE

Tags: sports, canada, hockey, ottawa senators, bryan murray, 100%, french

History says [Mavericks forward Dirk] Nowitzki will actually rebound faster than anyone who saw the footage would dare imagine … as long as the damage is restricted to the ankle area. He’s done it so many times that he makes you think he has bionic ankles, with one theory in Mavsland suggesting that Nowitzki—thanks to years of countless deep-knee bends and other unorthodox exercises with his German mentor Holger Geschwindner—can play through ankle sprains so easily because of his world-class flexibility.

HolgerGeschwindner912 and allyoucaneatschrempf have invited you to a conference chat. Do you accept? y
HolgerGeschwindner912: Dirk.
HolgerGeschwindner912: My child.
heart_of_dirkne$$: wazzup !!!!
heart_of_dirkne$$: h 2 tha g repre$ent
heart_of_dirkne$$: detlef in tha hou$e, i see u
allyoucaneatschrempf: HELLO DIRK
HolgerGeschwindner912: In a shaded recess of the Black Forest I discovered you.
HolgerGeschwindner912: With a father’s discipline and a mother’s tender love did I mold you.
HolgerGeschwindner912: Your arabesques were once the envy of the civilized world, Dirk.
HolgerGeschwindner912: Your perfect turnout, your fifth position, your plié.
HolgerGeschwindner912: And the deep-knee bends.
HolgerGeschwindner912: Each more exquisite than the last.
heart_of_dirkne$$: do this rel8 2 how my ankle b all bu$ted up
heart_of_dirkne$$: kuz that b relatively $tr8forwurd
HolgerGeschwindner912: Dirk, my perfect Teutonic specimen.
HolgerGeschwindner912: What have they done to you?
heart_of_dirkne$$: 2tonik kronik LOL
heart_of_dirkne$$: naw we wuz ju$t $tr8 ballin
HolgerGeschwindner912: What?
heart_of_dirkne$$: sum punk-a$$ boxt me out
heart_of_dirkne$$: i wuz all, DAMM
allyoucaneatschrempf: I DO NOT UNEDRSTAND THIS “$tr8 ballin”
heart_of_dirkne$$: N
heart_of_dirkne$$: it$ takin u a long-a$$ time 2 type btw
HolgerGeschwindner912: Why are you intentionally misspelling your words, Dirk?
heart_of_dirkne$$: ...
heart_of_dirkne$$: str8 ballin
heart_of_dirkne$$: doktor tolt me my ankle wuz like krazy $trong
heart_of_dirkne$$: on akkount of all tha ballet $h!t
allyoucaneatschrempf: I HAD SIMLAR EXPERIENCE
allyoucaneatschrempf: CAN WE SPEAK GERMN NOW
HolgerGeschwindner912: Dirk.
HolgerGeschwindner912: It is not too late for you.
heart_of_dirkne$$: h geezy
heart_of_dirkne$$: if u about 2 invoke swan lake agin
HolgerGeschwindner912: The Munich Ballet has not yet cast the lead for this year’s performance of “Swan Lake.”
heart_of_dirkne$$: i promiss u i will bounce wit tha qwikne$$
heart_of_dirkne$$: PEACE IN THA MIDLE EA$T !!!!
heart_of_dirkness has left the conference chat.
HolgerGeschwindner912: Dirk!  I command you not to bounce!
HolgerGeschwindner912: Sigh.
HolgerGeschwindner912: I think we’ve lost him, Detlef.

allyoucaneatschrempf: MAYBE NEXT TIME WE DO NOT SPEAK STUPID ENGILSH??
allyoucaneatschrempf: I’M NOT SURE WHY YOU KEEP INVITED ME TO THESE ANYHOW

Tags: sports, conference chat, basketball, detlef schrempf, holger geschwindner, ballet, dirk nowitzki

“Well, obviously you don’t follow basketball very well. Because if you think it’s bad to lose to Georgetown at Georgetown, a hard-fought game in Pittsburgh in overtime, you don’t follow basketball very much. Because I think they’re two terrific basketball teams that played better than us down the stretch. So if that’s a concern for you, it’s not a concern for me. You worry about it, I won’t. Go home and lose a lot of sleep over it. Promise? O.K.”

On Sat, March 8, 2008 at 5:32 PM, Nancy Worley wrote:

Hey coach, tough loss tonight.  We’ll get ‘em in the tournament.  -nw

On Sat, March 8, 2008 at 5:35 PM, Rick Pitino wrote:

Oh do I LOOK like I’m worrying?  I’m sorry Nancy but I don’t just go around crying and losing my shit when my team loses.  Do I have something on my face that says “My name is Rick Pitino one of the best coaches ever but I will die if my ego is not constantly inflated like a microwaved marshmallow”?????????/ YOu have fun worrying about it, I"m going to shower and drink a bottle of water and spend some time with my kids.  You go ahead and freak out there in your office and I’ll be at home in the hot tub, OK?

On Mon, March 10, 2008 at 1:31 PM, Josh wrote:

hi boss--

doctor chow [sp?] called and said he had to cancel your daughter jackie’s appointment and reschedule for next month.  i went ahead and booked the afternoon of the 3rd.  just letting you know--

josh
--
Josh Riggins
Personal Assistant to Coach Rick Pitino

On Mon, March 10, 2008 at 1:36 PM, Rick Pitino wrote:

So I guess I should get all worked up about that??  Josh you obviously have a lot to learn about my daughter’s teeth.  They are coming in great and she takes terrific care of them.  So if you think it’s bad that the dentist rescheduled her appointment and you come to me and expect me to get all angry and weird like BOO HOO MOMMY I’M CONFUSED well maybe YOURE the one who should go put on a diaper and cry about it like a little baby??  BEcause if you think I’m wearing a diaper about this, sucking on a pacifier, then you have ALOT to learn.

P.S. ALOT.

On Tue, March 11, 2008 at 10:10 AM, Joanne Pitino wrote:

Honey, it looks like you left your anxiety medication at home.

On Tue, March 11, 2008 at 10:11 AM, Rick Pitino wrote:

It is safe to say that I am worried about this.

Tags: sports, anxiety, interviews, louisville, email exchange, rick pitino

[Rick] Swift will be reevaluated by Dr. Steve Lombardo in Los Angeles. If the injury is confirmed, Swift likely is out for the rest of the season, although Seattle coach P.J. Carlesimo would not rule out a return before it ends.

It’s horrible news for him, and it’s not good for us,” Carlesimo said. “We want to play him. We want to look at him.”

As Coach Carlesimo left the podium, I noticed a flutter of white.  Ducking cameras and boom mics to reach the swiftly emptying platform, I grasped at the scrap of paper and tucked it carefully into my wallet.  Once free of the elbowing masses, I ducked into a doorway to pour over my prize.  The part of the printout that had not been torn away was blurry and spotted—with what: water? sweat?—but the thicket of bolded blue words remained legible, the two scrawled red circles still crisp on the battered paper.

      ou want to do to Rick Swift? (just click & wa
    ench, buy a drink for, chest bump, dr
eat with, feed, goose, high five, hug, j
look at, lick, medicate, motivate, no
 inch, play, pwn, rest, smack, sea
   ain, trip, urge on, validate, we

Tags: sports, basketball, facebook, robert swift, p.j. carlesimo

Basketball is a game often compared to jazz, with its improvisation and ebb and flow. There is nothing wrong with celebrating the sport in the birthplace of jazz, especially when one All-Star in particular, New Orleans Hornets point guard Chris Paul, plays like Coltrane.

When I showed up for my first practice in New Orleans, I was prepared for a lot—but the absence of basketball hoops still caught me by surprise.

“Basketball is like its own crazy language, you dig?” said coach Byron Scott, peering out from under a porkpie hat and puffing on a hand-rolled cigarette.  He added: “Scoobidy beep bam bop.”

Chris Paul entered the gym, balancing a basketball with a cricket bat and hopping on one foot.  As various Hornets looked on in interest, the vacant-eyed Paul did a somersault, kicked the ball up at the rafters, and commenced removing all of his clothing.

Said an unimpressed Peja Stojakovic: “That cat needs to learn to play with some dynamics.”

Tags: sports, basketball, byron scott, new orleans jazz, jazz, chris paul

When [Sidney] Crosby gets to the television remote first, he clicks madly from channel to channel. It drives road roommate Colby Armstrong mad.
...
Armstrong drags a reporter over to Crosby and announces loudly that he wants to do the interview over, that he’s going to reveal Sid’s affection for Chandler on “Friends.” Crosby interrupts, revealing that not only does Armstrong love “Ellen” but he also likes to dance along to her show opening.
...
For every comment Armstrong makes about the size of Crosby’s butt ("It’s kind of big"), Crosby will chide his friend about the way he eats and the noises he makes when he sleeps.

Jonathan Papelbon has been in the shower for forty-five minutes. To road companion Manny Delcarmen, this is nothing new. “It’s always like, don’t make me come in after you!” laughs the Boston reliever. “Cause I’ll do it!” Delcarmen becomes more somber: “But seriously, it’s really not good for his skin.”
From the shower, Papelbon retorts: “Like he knows what he’s doing with his skin. He doesn’t even exfoliate.”

Strolling through a colorful SoHo outdoor market, Steelers tight end Heath Miller oohs and ahs at an array of afghans—but road “partner” Ben Roethlisberger is having none of it.  “You already have, like, ten afghans,” the young quarterback and team leader reminds his friend. “You always forget that you have all these freaking afghans back home.” Miller pouts: “But I want one.”

Over a delicious homemade macchiato in his downtown loft, 7’3” Lithuanian center Zydrunas Ilgauskas confides quietly that fellow Cavalier LeBron James “is a terrible listener.”

Tags: sports, basketball, football, baseball, gay, hockey, lebron james, heath miller, zydrunas ilgauskas, ben roethlisberger, sidney crosby, jonathan papelbon, colby armstrong, manny delcarmen