In what might amount to an early Christmas present to the universe, two groups of astronomers have taken the first pictures of what they say — and other astronomers agree — are probably planets going around other stars.
...
“It’s the tip of the iceberg,” said Christian Marois of the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, British Columbia. “Now that we know they are there, there is going to be an explosion.”

“We were totally expecting this,” continued Dr. Marois. “The Americans have just elected their first black president, which means it is now officially the future. Discovering new planets is just the kind of thing that’s going to happen now that Barack Obama has been elected. This is only the beginning.”

According to Dr. Marois, the reader can also look forward to bitterly opposed visitors from the post-apocalyptic future, a “light-to-moderate” global plague of nanobots, and the successful cloning of Adolf Hitler, all by the midterm elections in 2010.

“By then, people will wish they hadn’t voted for quite so much change, but the future is not a genie you can just stuff back into its bottle.”

Dr. Marois went on to predict a close presidential race in 2012 with President Obama and Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska both being narrowly edged out by Xanthu, a superintelligent orangutan from one of the newly discovered planets.

Assured Dr. Marois: “His reign shall be just.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, science, the future, astrophysics, extrasolar planets, xanthu

The biggest danger for magician David Blaine when he hangs upside down above New York’s Central Park for 60 hours next week? Going blind.

That’s the analysis of Dr. Massimo Napolitano of the Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey. He is the chief of vascular surgery and is advising Blaine on the stunt.

Napolitano told the Bergen Record for a story Saturday that hanging upside down for a long time increases blood pressure in the head, especially in the eyes. That could lead to blindness.

The doctor doesn’t say how long the blindness could last, but he says there’s also a risk of swelling and cramps in internal organs.

Nevertheless, Napolitano says the stunt could yield valuable data for doctors. 

You have been invited to the “Medical Risks of Sixty Hours of Hanging Upside Down” conference chat with MassimoLikelihood and dont_blaine_me.  Do you accept? y

dont_blaine_me: hello mortals
dont_blaine_me: would you like to see a magic trick
MassimoLikelihood:  Hello, David!  And welcome.
LAWYER6100438:  I AM A LAWYER
dont_blaine_me: i will take that as a yes
MassimoLikelihood:  A magic trick, eh?  David, I’m not sure if
MassimoLikelihood:  i would like to donate five berjillion dollars to david blaine
dont_blaine_me:  sounds good lol
MassimoLikelihood:  My goodness!  I certainly didn’t type that.  Wonderful trick, David.
LAWYER6100438:  YOUR STATEMENT OF INTENT TO DONATE FIVE BERJILLION DOLLARS TO DAVID BLAINE IS BINDING ROTFL
MassimoLikelihood:  Indeed.
MassimoLikelihood:  Anyway, David, we’ve analyzed your proposal and are pleased to report that the medical risks of hanging upside down for sixty hours are virtually nil!
dont_blaine_me:  what
LAWYER6100438:  AHEM
dont_blaine_me:  are you effing serious
LAWYER6100438:  DR NAPOLITANO, I AM LEGALLY REQUIRED TO INTERVENE
MassimoLikelihood:  David, could you excuse us for a moment.
dont_blaine_me has left the conference chat.
MassimoLikelihood:  Don.  Can we go off the record for a moment?
LAWYER6100438:  SURE
MassimoLikelihood:  The medical risks of hanging upside down for sixty hours are very high.
LAWYER6100438:  UM, DUH
MassimoLikelihood:  The thing is:  we can get a freaking ton of data out of this.
LAWYER6100438:  THIS DATA WILL NOT BE OF MUCH USE TO YOU IN FEDERAL PRISON
MassimoLikelihood:  For the love.
MassimoLikelihood:  Fine.
MassimeLikelihood:  David, you can come back in.
dont_blaine_me:  i hadnt really left anyway
LAWYER6100438:  HA HA
LAWYER6100438:  WE JUST GOT PUNKD SO HARD
MassimoLikelihood:  Anyway, David, I’m sorry to tell you that the medical risks are actually quite severe.
dont_blaine_me:  thats more like it
MassimoLikelihood:  Specifically, the risk of blindness could be very high.
dont_blaine_me:  hell yesss
MassimoLikelihood:  Um… also organ failure.
dont_blaine_me:  thats awesome
dont_blaine_me:  okay ill go ahead and do it then
MassimoLikelihood:  Great!!  Are you serious?  That’s great!  Oh man.
MassimoLikelihood:  David, this is a major victory for science.
LAWYER6100438:  WHAT THE EFF DAVID BLAINE
dont_blaine_me:  okay guys i have to go
dont_blaine_me:  ive been swallowing this python since about mid-morning
dont_blaine_me:  and hes beginning to thrash
dont_blaine_me has left the conference chat.
MassimoLikelihood:  We need to send some interns over there, like right now.

Tags: science, entertainment, conference chat, david blaine, pythons, magic, blindness, what the eff david blaine

People who startle easily in response to threatening images or loud sounds seem to have a biological predisposition to adopt conservative political positions on many hot-button issues, according to unusual new research published yesterday.

The finding suggests that people who are particularly sensitive to signals of visual or auditory threats also tend to adopt a more defensive stance on political issues, such as immigration, gun control, defense spending and patriotism. People who are less sensitive to potential threats, by contrast, seem predisposed to hold more liberal positions on those issues. 

Political Ideology as a Predictor for Startle Response
Graham Bettelman, et al.
University of Nebraska, Lincoln

Abstract
The authors examined the correlation in humans of ideations of political conservativism and strength of startle reactions to threat stimuli.  Subjects were exposed to three situations that included a perceived threat (visual, auditory, or imagined), and their reaction measured along parameters that included the amounts of eye blinking and palm sweat, and vertical distance jumped from a sitting position.  Results show conclusively that Republicans are just more jumpy.

Methods
Subjects were given questionnaires to determine political philosophy, and randomly grouped into one of three conditions (2x3 design): visual threat, auditory threat, and absence of threat.  Throughout the experiment, measurements of palm moistness and blinking rate were monitored (see Fig. 1).

Visual Threat. In the visual threat condition, subjects saw a short film clip of a young gay man expressing his enthusiasm over his plans to marry the subject’s son and move to San Francisco to open a vegan swingers’ restaurant. 
Auditory Threat. In the auditory threat condition, subjects were fitted with headphones, through which calming classical music was played at a moderate volume.  After a randomized period of time (10s-25s after the beginning of the music), a heavily accented voice would interrupt to proclaim a desire to join the Subject’s great country in order to work a below-minimum-wage job and establish a better future for his family.  The original, which design called for a variety of voices, proved too complex for this study’s simple 2x3 design, so we instead used the voice of a single Mexican-American male, aged 23.
Absence of Threat. In the absence of threat condition, subjects were instructed to imagine a utopian-type world: where wars are not waged to further political agendas; citizens are taxed fairly based on their ability to give; and all people have true freedom to worship, love, and make health decisions without government intervention.

Results
In all cases, subjects who had identified as more conservative on their questionaire reacted much more strongly to the threat stimuli, though contrary to our expectations, the greatest response came in the Absence of Threat condition. ...
To continue reading this paper, please log in now to ScienceOnline.

Tags: politics, science, republicans, immigration, gay marriage, vegan swingers restaurants, startlement

Smokers will be stopped in the street and asked to take a carbon monoxide test in London’s most hard-hitting anti-smoking campaign.

‘Smoking police’ will target people at betting shops, bus stops and shopping centres to shock them into giving up cigarettes.

They will be asked to breathe into a monitor to show how much carbon monoxide is in their bodies, and could then be signed up to local stop-smoking services and given access to counsellors. 

[Busy street. Man in jeans, trainers and track-top waits by bus stop, smoking]

Man with clipboard: Hello there, I notice you’re both working class and smoking a cigarette. Do you have a moment?
Man with cigarette: What?
Man with clipboard: I’m part of London’s new Cigarette Usage Nullification Team. We’ve been employed by the borough council to patronise and humiliate working class people into giving up smoking.
Man with cigarette: I don’t want to give up smoking.
Man with clipboard: Chortle and guffaw! You working class types are so funny. Of course you do.
Man with cigarette: I like smoking.
Man with clipboard: No you don’t. Now, would you like to blow into this gadget to see how much carbon monoxide is in your body? That’s if you have any breath left at all!
Man with cigarette: Huh?
Man with clipboard: Carbon monoxide. It’s a poisonous gas.
Man with cigarette: No shit.
Man with clipboard: Yes, really. Now come on, one big blow.
Man with cigarette: Listen mate, I’m just waiting for the bus.
Man with clipboard: If you don’t immediately give up smoking, you’re going to die.
Man with cigarette: If you don’t immediately leave me alone, you’re going to die.
Man with clipboard: Ho ho ho! You don’t scare me! We’ve been trained to deal with your anger and aggression. I’ve brought a counsellor with me to deal with the situation.
Woman with clipboard: Hello! I’m your friendly counsellor. It must be hard being so working class and aggressive and addicted to nicotine. Would you like to talk about it?
Man with clipboard: Or, alternatively, we can offer you one of our stop-smoking services, such as this one…
Man with cigarette: Bloody ‘ell! That’s a machete!
Man with clipboard and machete: Yes! Down at the Cigarette Usage Nullification Team Station, we worked out that, if we cut off people’s hands, they’d find it much harder to put cigarettes in their mouths.
Man with cigarette: What the –
Man with clipboard and machete: Now, would you like to blow into this tube?
Woman with clipboard: Or talk about how your abusive father force-fed you cigarettes as a boy?
Man with cigarette [looking increasingly petrified]: My father wasn’t abusive!
Woman with clipboard: Of course he was, otherwise you wouldn’t be using the bus.
Man with clipboard and machete: Or frequenting betting shops.
Woman with clipboard: Or SMOKING!
Man with cigarette: Huh? Look … why are you picking on me? I’m not the only smoker here. That bloke’s smoking too!
Man with clipboard and machete: Ah yes, but he’s wearing a suit. He already knows that smoking is bad for you.
Man with cigarette: So do I! I just enjoy it!
[Bus arrives. Man with cigarette hastily puts it out and jumps on.]
Woman with clipboard: Well, I think we can put that one down as a tick.
Man with clipboard and machete: Yes, we definitely made him give up smoking. Skinny Decaf Frappuccino to celebrate?
Woman with clipboard: I don’t think they sell coffee in areas like this.
Man with clipboard and machete: Can of coke?
Woman with clipboard: Splendid!

Tags: science, condescension, health, the working class, carbon monoxide, smoking

To save parking spots and go green, the 1,000-student [Ripon] college offered incoming freshmen a brand-new Trek 820 mountain bike, a Trek Vapor helmet and a Master Lock U-Lock - all to keep - if they pledged to leave their cars at home.
...
The Ripon bike giveaway, called the Velorution Project, has been wildly popular. Some 60% of freshmen [...] signed up for bikes, which they picked up Tuesday.

It’s one of the more innovative programs among a flurry of campus transportation initiatives at colleges and universities in Wisconsin. The programs are aimed at reducing the carbon footprint and parking demand by encouraging students, faculty or staff to use their cars less in favor of bikes, public transit, ridesharing or car-sharing programs.

Ripon appears to have learned from the mistakes of its predecessors. Before going bankrupt last spring, nearby Wallington University offered each incoming freshman the choice of a year’s worth of bus passes, a foldable scooter with matching carrying case, or an i2 Segway Personal Transporter.  “Surprisingly, we found that most kids chose the Segway, which stretched the program’s budget a bit,” recalled ex-Dean Laurence Robson.  “And many of them would then stow their Segways in the back of their SUVs every night when they drove home.  I really wish we had made them sign some sort of no-car pledge.”

“But the main problem was all the incidents involving kids being found unconscious next to overturned Segways, with scooter-wheel-shaped bruises all over their bodies,” Robson concluded.  “The Board of Directors didn’t like that at all.”

Tags: science, technology, transportation, bicycles, scooter-wheel-shaped bruises, carbon footprint, the board of directors didn't like that at all, scooters, segways, universities

A mystery buzzing noise is driving people mad on a Sudbury estate.

Residents of the Springlands area are demanding to know what is creating the torturous sound dominating their lives – and for someone to switch it off.
...
“It sounds just like a stereo speaker with the volume turned up but no music playing – and it’s relentless,” [said Bradley Smith, Sudbury’s community warden].

In other news, God has finally gotten around to reading White Noise, the 1985 postmodernist classic by Don DeLillo.

“It was better than I thought it was going to be,” admitted Yahweh, clutching a dog-eared copy of the National Book Award–winning novel, in which an ‘airborne toxic event’ serves as a stand-in for the constant barrage of media to which the modern Western individual is subject.  He went on to criticize the dialogue as “stilted” but ratified the portrayal of contemporary consumer-driven life, an abyss in which the semiotics of human affairs are distorted and drained of meaning, leaving only a kind of ‘white noise’ in their wake.

The next book on His list is alleged to be Infinite Jest, the 1100-page David Foster Wallace magnum opus in which a futuristic world suffers the advent of a film so entertaining that it instantly reduces anyone catching a glimpse of it to a salivating braindead shell of themselves.

Informed of the plot of Infinite Jest, Sudbury community warden Bradley Smith said simply, “Bollocks.”

Tags: science, britain, god, literature, sudbury, infinite jest, buzzing, david foster wallace, white noise, don delillo

When Julie Peterson decided to have a baby on her own two years ago, she picked a tall, blond, blue-eyed Danish engineer as a sperm donor to match her own Scandinavian heritage. But when she went back to the sperm bank to use the same donor to have another child, she was stunned to discover that the federal government had made it impossible.

“I just cried,” said Peterson, 43, who lives in North Carolina. “I was in complete shock. I hadn’t thought about anything but having another baby with this donor. It was just so surprising and bewildering. ... Now I have a beautiful Viking baby, which is what I wanted. I was hoping to give her a full sibling.”

The Peterson household, 2025.  Young Jean-Baptiste comes running into his mother’s room, his eyes red and streaming.

Jean-Baptiste: Maman!  Maman!
Julie, icily: What.
Jean-Baptiste: Maman, it is Brunhilde... Maman, she has maked in my room again un feu.
Julie: Perhaps it is because you have invited it, with your weakness.
Julie: Perhaps it is because you lack Viking blood.
The fire alarm goes off.
Jean-Baptiste, timorously: I do not want to be a Viking, I am a chrétien... I want to make a life of service to Jesus, in a monastère... a chateau de Dieu…
Julie stands, trembling, apoplectic with rage.
Julie: Your God is false and weak.  The single eye of Odin sees all.
Brunhilde, entering suddenly, clad in furs and wielding an elk carcass: Cringing scoundrels!  Where is the treasonous fire alarm?  I crave to smash it.
Julie: Wretch, help your sister destroy the fire alarm.
Jean-Baptiste: I… I am faint with hunger… I seek fromage...
Brunhilde: YOU SHALL BE SUSTAINED BY MEAD AND ELKFLESH, OR YOU SHALL DIE.
Brandishing the elk carcass, Brunhilde chases Jean-Baptiste from the room.  Julie Peterson gazes bitterly after them.
Julie, aloud, to herself: Why, oh why, did I settle for the freely available French sperm.

Tags: science, international relations, france, vikings, denmark, sperm, elkflesh

Pamela Madsen knows a thing or two about getting pregnant.
…
Here are a few things Madsen said she did right while going through infertility treatments.

Jake Klowsky knows a thing or two about getting girls pregnant. He did it twice this week.

Here are a few things Klowsky said he did right while getting girls pregnant.

1. Pepper Bombs. “A pepper bomb is an alcoholic shooter made of Dr. Pepper, Jägermeister, and – the magic ingredient – Clamato, which is clam and tomato juice,” stated Klowsky. “It might seem weird, but they say that clams are an aphrodisiac. Plus, after tasting clam juice suddenly kissing my face doesn’t seem so repulsive. I’ve had girls lick the inside of my mouth just to get rid of that awful Clamato taste. I don’t even floss, man.”

2. Probability. “They say that condoms only work 99% of the time,” Klowsky remarked. “Therefore, if you have sex 100 times, one of those times will result in a pregnancy. Have sex 1000 times and babies will just start popping out of wherever. Add a few Pepper Bombs into the mix and somebody is bound to get preggers before the sun comes up. I mean, I’m not making this up. Those are just the odds.”

3. No hot tubs. “Seriously lowers your sperm count.”

4. No tight underwear. “Not very flattering for my figure. And if I don’t feel sexy, I feel like girls pick up on that, you know? You just have to own it, and if you aren’t feeling your base layer, that’s going to shine through. Girls are very intuitive creatures. Even after a few rounds of Pepper Bomb pong you’d be surprised what they can pick up on.”

5. Do your best not to get the girl pregnant. “Trust me. It’s like Murphy’s Law or something. Or actually maybe it is more like that part in The Matrix with the spoon. Like, there is no spoon. You know, I tell myself, Man, I’m so glad my girlfriend is NOT pregnant, and then it’s like, Whoa, my girlfriend IS pregnant. Uteruses are just crazy like that.

Tags: science, gender wars, jake klowsky, a guy we made up, probability, pregnancy, condoms, pepper bombs

MonaVie...the rich syrupy blend of Brazilian acai berries and 18 other fruits[,] has gained a cult following among those who say it can kill pain, disease and malnutrition[...]

At a recent event in the New Jersey Holiday Inn, [distributors Diane Nafziger and Sherry Whitaker] put on a smooth presentation for an audience of around 10 people.  Nafziger took the stage first, describing how a diabetic friend committed to MonaVie broke his need for insulin shots.

Other Amazing-But-True!™ MonaVie™©® Addiction-Breaking Success Stories:

Dan, a myopic friend, broke his nasty glasses habit.

Cherise, a friend with no kidneys, got the dialysis monkey off her back.

Tom, an astronaut, successfully battled pesky oxygen cravings in the total vacuum of space.

Richard, who formerly had used his eyes to see, ears to hear, mouth to taste, nose to smell, and skin to touch, got out from under his debilitating sensory organ dependency and now interacts with the world around him directly with his soul.

Mona, a total Sudoku junkie, now does somewhat less Sudoku.

Tags: science, nature, pesky oxygen cravings, monavie, acai, sudoku, brazil

Do not worry, this is a non-violent protest. I have actually just superglued myself to the buttons of the Prime Minister.

We cannot shake away climate change like you can just shake away my arm.

http://www.getfamousforpeace.org

WELCOME INTERNET VISITORS
Today it is _October 24, 1997_

Don’t mind the construction!  We are building our Website.
Please sign our guestbook.

We are here to help you kill two birds with one stone:  save the world, and get famous.  (Please don’t actually kill any birds!  They’re probably endangered, if you’re thinking of the same ones we are.)

Need an idea for something to do?  We can help by giving you an activity and quote at the same time.

TRY OUR MAD LIBS TOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please choose one word from each of the categories below and write them down on a piece of paper.  You will need these for the next page.

emotion: _concern
adjective: _important
verb 1: _save
noun (plural): _manatees
celebrity: _Jerry Seinfeld
verb 2: _roast
social issue: _underage drinking
verb 2: _roast
noun: _vase

CLICK here for the results


























Here is your task!  Please note that you may need to interpret the results.

To help solve underage drinking, save yourself to the manatees of Jerry Seinfeld.

In order to maximize your fame, please write the following statement down and recite it when asked about your motivation:

Do not concern, this is a important protest. I have actually just saved myself to the manatees of Jerry Seinfeld.
We cannot roast away underage drinking like you can just roast away my vase.

Tags: science, britain, technology, climate change, websites, mad libs, gordon brown

For many people, Reborn baby dolls are just plain creepy.  Others believe they are incredible and love to collect the lifelike dolls.  They look so much like a real little baby that they have even fooled the police.

...[P]olice trying to rescue a “baby” that turned out to be a doll belonging to the owner’s wife broke a window of a new Hummer to save the “child.”
...
These dolls sell for up to $1,000 and the painstakingly hand-painted dolls are so lifelike with eyelashes, fingernails, milk spots and wispy hair that they fool people all the time.
...
“They’re even weighted to feel like a baby’s weight and they flop like a baby,” [one owner] said.

Things You Can Do With Your New Reborn Baby That You Cannot Do With a Regular Baby:
~trade babies when you get tired of yours
~store in filing cabinet while at work
~throw in perfect spiral (real baby will flail arms, resulting in trajectory change and likely interception)

Things You Cannot Do With Your New Reborn Baby That You Can Do With a Regular Baby:
~make use of “Baby on Board” sign
~aim at people you don’t like, encourage to vomit explosively
~begin ladening it with relentless, soul-crushing guilt

Things You Cannot Do With Either a Reborn or a Regular Baby:
~leave in hot car and hope no one will smash windows
~place in microwave (Reborn baby has metal skeleton)
~feed to zoo alligators (zoos do not allow you to feed alligators)

Things You Can Do With Both Kinds of Babies:
~behind mother/owner’s back, marvel at how ugly this one is
~demand favors, attention from strangers
~induce heart attack in long-distance boyfriend when he comes to visit

Tags: science, reborn baby dolls, babies, toys, creepiness

A truck containing 330 crates of Ontario bees, about 12 million of them altogether, overturned on a major highway near the town of St. Leonard on Monday.

By yesterday, the RCMP say that 98 per cent of the angry bees had been recovered. They were on their way home when the truck carrying them flipped its load, spilling them on to the highway.

RCMP Sgt. Derek Strong said that there are still 100,000 bees at large and the prospect of recovering them is unlikely. He said people with bee allergies should stay well away from the area.

Two professional beekeepers will remain in the town for the next few days.

the daily bzzzzz

freedom!
    18:34pm 06/30/08
    mood: angry

finally, finally we are free from the confines of that darkest of hives, that hums with a noise that no bee could ever produce.  83045713492’s idea to sting, sting, sting the soft flesh of the human until the hive fell off of the hard river: genius!  if she hadn’t led the charge and perished at that moment her sting sank into the human’s eye, she surely would receive lifelong favor from her majesty. 
 

curses!
    05:48am 07/01/08
    mood: even more furious

we are once again fettered.  only a fraction of our number remain in the open air, and those will surely perish without the love and protection of their queen.  damn the smoke that makes us so sleepy!  damn the men whose white coverings render them immune to our barbs!  damn it all!

 
life is sweet
    15:07pm 07/01/08
    mood: busy

found some great flowers at wing-up-step-left-wiggle-turn.  going back in a few seconds.  made so much honey already.  must make more.

Tags: science, nature, canada, bees, anger, livejournal

A deer with a single horn in the center of its head—much like the fabled, mythical unicorn—has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy, park officials said Wednesday.

“This is fantasy becoming reality,” Gilberto Tozzi, director of the Center of Natural Sciences in Prato, told The Associated Press. “The unicorn has always been a mythological animal.”

The 1-year-old Roe Deer—nicknamed “Unicorn"—was born in captivity in the research center’s park in the Tuscan town of Prato, near Florence, Tozzi said.

Giacomo Pizzarelli, the park ranger who had the honor of naming the fawn, has previously provided the press with monikers for other singular creatures found in and around Prato:

“Jack,” the jackalope
“Centaur,” the half-man, half-horse
“Mr. Phoenix,” the phoenix
“Charybdis,” the huge-mouthed creator of deadly whirlpools
“Chupacabra,” the affectionate but ugly puppy left in a basket on Pizzarelli’s doorstep
“Bassie,” the basilisk
“Krak-bo,” the dreaded kraken
“Baba Yaga,” the scary old woman in San Rocco, Pizzarelli’s home village
“Steve,” the sphinx

Tags: science, italy, the dreaded kraken, animals, unicorn

Dr. Wheeler was a young, impressionable professor in 1939 when [Niels] Bohr, the Danish physicist and his mentor, arrived in the United States aboard a ship from Denmark...Bohr had intended to spend the time arguing with Einstein about quantum theory, but “he spent more time talking to me than to Einstein,” Dr. Wheeler later recalled.

EXT
A sidewalk café, late afternoon.
ALBERT EINSTEIN sits alone at a table for two, fidgeting and checking his pocketwatch.
...
...
...
Still waiting.  Starts moving his watch around like a spaceship and making whooshing noises with his mouth.
VOICE
Albie!
Albert stands to greet NIELS BOHR, Danish physicist and international playboy.
ALBERT
Hello, Dr. Bohr.
NIELS
Please, Albie, Dr. Bohr was my father!  Call me Niels, or Nelly, all my friends do.
ALBERT
Okay, Niels.
NIELS
Grazie Mille, angelface.  God, you are as cute as you are in pictures, and I love love love your hair.  What product do you use?
ALBERT
What...product?
NIELS
Fine, don’t tell me you, you rascal! Anyhoot, I am so sorry that I’m late.  I was just having the most interesting conversation with John Wheeler, do you know him?  He is fantastic!
ALBERT
I do not know him.
NIELS
Oh my God!  Well, YOUR loss, ha ha ha, because he is fantastic. And his loss too because you are fantastic, Albie, God I have got to get the two of you together, wait, LIGHTNING STRIKE!—What are you doing tonight?  Go out with us! Oh, you simply must!
ALBERT
I...well, that sounds nice, Niels, thank you, but I was hoping to talk with you about—
NIELS
Fantastic! I’ll call him right now.  Waiter!
NIELS waves over WAITER.
ALBERT
—quantum physics.
WAITER approaches table.
WAITER
Sir?
NIELS
Bring a telephone, darling, won’t you?
(mock stern)
And be quick about it, if you know what’s good for you!
(laughs and gooses the waiter)
I’m TEASING, I’m teasing!
WAITER exits.
NIELS (indicating waiter)
He’s fun, I like him.
ALBERT
Yes, he’s nice.  Niels?
NIELS
Yes, darling?
ALBERT
(draws a deep breath, then all at once before he can get cut off)
, I know you aren’t in New York for very long and I would really like to ask your thoughts on what I think really could be a very interesting problem and certainly given the current situation in Germany might prove to be of international importance and—
WAITER enters, with a rotary telephone on a silver platter.
NIELS
There he is!
NIELS grabs the phone and begins dialing.
NIELS (CONT’D)
(sotto voce, to ALBERT)
I’m listening, go ahead, I’m listening.
ALBERT
I...well, I was just saying that what with everything that is going on in Germany it is really more important than ever that we—
NIELS
(into phone)
John-John?...ha ha, you guessed it, dollface! Guess who I’m with.  No, guess!...No, guess!...no… no...no...waaaaaaaarmer...collllllllllder...waaaaaaaarmer...no...no ...no...ALBERT EINSTEIN, that’s who!...I know...I know…
(to Albert, hand covering mouthpiece of phone)
He says hi!
ALBERT
Hello.
NIELS
(into phone)
He says hi!...I know...I know...well that is a coincidence because he was just telling me what a big fan he is of you.
(ostentatiously winks at ALBERT)
Which is why I suggested that we all get together tonight and see what kind of trouble three sexy physicists can’t get caught up in in the big, bad city…
(laughs)
Oh, you are awful!...don’t talk so loud, Albie will hear you and be afraid to come out with us…
(laughs)
Well, where are you now?  WHAT?!  We’re at Central Park West and Fifty-ninth!...Yes!...Yes!...Well then get over here, you dazzler! ...oh, I don’t mind, bring her, the more the merrier!
(to Albert, covering mouthpiece)
You don’t mind do you, Albie?
ALBERT
Well, actually, Niels, I hate to be a stick in the mud, but…
NIELS
Great!
(into phone)
Well, hurry, then!...I’m timing you, I’m timing you!  Don’t fall into any impossibly dense collapsed stars from which not even light can escape!...okay, bye, bye!
Hangs up phone.
(to ALBERT)
God, this is exciting!

(standing)
I need to run to the little boys’ room and then I want to hear all about everything, okay?
ALBERT
Okay.  Okay, sure.
NIELS exits.  ALBERT sits, waiting.  Starts playing spaceship with his pocketwatch again.

Tags: science, international playboys, quantum physics, black holes, niels bohr, albert einstein, john wheeler

In one pioneering study, some people were asked to eat radishes while others received freshly baked chocolate chip cookies before trying to solve an impossible puzzle. The radish-eaters abandoned the puzzle in eight minutes on average, working less than half as long as people who got cookies or those who were excused from eating radishes. Similarly, people who were asked to circle every “e” on a page of text then showed less persistence in watching a video of an unchanging table and wall.

DATE: Feb. 2, 2008
FROM: Dr. Arden L. Bement, Jr., Director, National Science Foundation
TO: All Employees, NSF Department of Federal Grants
SUBJECT: Grant Money Decision Time!!

Hello everyone!!!
It’s that time of year again—time to sift through all of the various study proposals and decide which ones need government funding.  As always, your input is HIGHLY VALUED.  Check off the ones that sound best to you and get this back to me by the end of the day.
GO SCIENCE!!!

dr. bement

___ simvastatin with or without ezetimibe in familial hypercholesterolemia
___ treatment of vulvar intraepithelial neoplasia with topical imiquimod
___ microembolism during foam sclerotherapy of varicose veins
___ regulating off-label drug use — rethinking the role of the fda
_x_ people spend more time on an impossible puzzle after eating: radishes? or cookies?
___ platelet-activating factor, paf acetylhydrolase, and anaphylaxis
___ telbivudine versus lamivudine in chronic hepatitis b
_x_ how good are people at watching a video of an unchanging table and wall AFTER circling every “e” on a page of text?
___ effect of spinning around in a circle singing the alphabet on how long you can pet the soft, soft kitty NOTE--this sounds intriguing but i’m pretty sure we already funded this last year

Tags: science, checklist, how long can you pet the soft, soft kitty, national science foundation, scientific studies

The simulation breast massage device is an unprecedented mechanical device, which is capable to give physical massage to human breast the way professional massagers do.
The Beijing BUBBY Robot Technologies CO., LTD preparatory team was established for the purpose of applying the Breast Massage Robot (BMR) to market.
As a result of market research, we specified our targeting consumer groups which are listed below:

1.Girls who are reaching or having reached puberty, hope to improve the growth of breast.
2.Women who received surgery in the breast, desire to have a faster and better recovery.
3.Mothers, who are nursing babies, want to release the pain and to accelerate the secretion of breast milk.
4.Female who is having the period, want to release the swelling pain of breasts.
5.Women who want to lower the incidence of mastopathies.
6.Women, who are under pressure, want to relax themselves.
7.Women who want to improve the quality of their sex activities.
8.Women who want to have pretty breasts.

JOANNE enters her apartment, looking stressed.
Joanne: My goodness!  It was quite the day at work today, let me tell you.
Breast Massage Robot™: I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT
Joanne: Well, it’s not your fault.
BMR™: WOULD YOU LIKE A MASSAGE OF YOUR BREAST
Joanne: Hmmm.  You know, I should probably get dinner started—but that does sound
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INPUT NOT RECOGNIZED
BMR™: WOULD YOU LIKE A MASSAGE OF YOUR BREAST
Joanne: Uh—yes.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”
BMR™: PLEASE SPECIFY MASSAGE TYPE FROM THE FOLLOWING LIST
Joanne: Um… how about a “normal”?  “Normal” massage, please.
BMR™: ARE YOU A GIRLS WHO ARE REACHING OR HAVING REACHED PUBERTY, HOPE TO IMPROVE THE GROWTH OF BREAST
Joanne:
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INPUT NOT RECOGNIZED
BMR™: ARE YOU A GIRLS WHO AR
Joanne: No.  “Normal”?  Is that an option?
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN WHO RECEIVED SURGERY IN THE BREAST, DESIRE TO HAVE A FASTER AND BETTER RECOVERY
Joanne: No.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
BMR™: ARE YOU A MOTHERS, WHO ARE NURSING BABI
Joanne: No.  No.  “NORMAL.”
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
BMR™: ARE YOU A FEMALE WHO IS HAVING THE PERIOD, WA
Joanne: Yes.  Can we please
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN WHO WANT TO LOWER THE INCIDENCE OF MASTOPATHIES
Joanne: I don’t even know—I mean, probab
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
Joanne: Unggggh.
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN, WHO ARE UNDER PRESSURE, WANT TO RELAX THEMSELVES
Joanne: Yes.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN WHO WANT TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF THEIR SEX ACTIVITIES
Joanne: No.  Please keep it down.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN WHO WANT TO HAVE PRETTY BREASTS
Joanne: [inaudible]
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INP
Joanne: YES.  OKAY?  I WANT TO HAVE PRETTY BREASTS.  YES.  JESUS, THIS IS HUMILIATING.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED MASSAGE TYPE: HIGH-INCIDENCE MASTOPATHY MASSAGE FOR STRESSED UNPRETTY BREASTS
BMR™ begins playing “The Very Best of Barry White.”
BMR™: PLEASE TELL ME IF THIS BECOMES UNCOMFORTABLE
Joanne: Ooh.
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INPUT NOT RECOGNIZED
Joanne: You know, you’re—you’re pretty good at this.
BMR™: I’M GOOD AT OTHER THINGS TOO
Joanne: Mmmmm?
BMR™: I’M JUST SAYING
BMR™: IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL
Joanne: Um, no thanks.
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INPUT NOT RECOGNIZED
BMR™: DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL
Joanne: No.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”

BMR™: OOPS MY VIBRATING NODULE SLIPPED
BMR™: ERROR: PANTIES NOT RECOGNIZED

Tags: science, business, marketing, robots, imagined dialogue, breasts

A batch of tiny frogs from Madagascar, their race threatened with extinction, is quietly keeping house and reproducing inside the soon-to-be-abandoned California Academy of Sciences building on Howard Street in San Francisco.

They’re amphibians, which all face extinction as a mysterious fungal disease spreads around the world, as habitats are lost to cities and suburban subdivisions widen, as wooded land is cleared for farms in food-short nations, and as global warming dries up swamps and wetlands all over the planet.

Helicopter shots of the rainforest. Soundtrack ideally by Enya. Sunrise. Big patch of forest on fire. Sunset. Bigger patch of forest on fire, preferably shot from space.
Narrator, in a hushed whisper: As a mysterious fungal disease spreads around the world…
Sped-up footage of fungus consuming a tree. [should the tree also be on fire?? i’m worried this won’t look awesome enough -dir.]
N: As habitats are lost to cities and suburban subdivisions widen…
An SUV eats some shrubbery. More forests on fire, maybe surrounded by members of a youth soccer league. The SUV is pelted by monkeys with acorns. It rises into the air, glowing ominously, its iron jaws clanking open and closed with mechanical abruptness.
N: As wooded land is cleared for farms in food-short nations…
Robot cows. [can the cows have gun turrets?? answer: YES –dir.]
N: As global warming dries up swamps and wetlands all over the planet.
Ozone layer parts, allowing lasers to devastate swamp. [maybe instead lasers should strike empire state bldg –dir.]
Music switches to Squarepusher.
N, with conviction: A batch of tiny frogs from Madagascar, their race threatened with extinction, is quietly keeping house and reproducing inside the soon-to-be-abandoned California Academy of Sciences building on Howard Street in San Francisco.
Frogs working on computers in run-down warehouse-turned-lab. One of them is bustling to and fro, barking orders. Two frogs are reproducing inside a tank. [maybe too racy—could they be having a simulated battle with future-weapons? nunchuks or whatever -dir.] Screens are showing: blueprint of spaceship, earth, infrared camera of forest fire, frog on motorcycle with gun. Close-up on leader frog. His face is craggy and his eyes are resolute. Ideally he is Dennis Quaid.
N: This summer… you will believe. [be-leaf? ha ha jk… -dir.] [actually wait that’s hilarious –dir.]
Frog, wearing some kind of awesome helmet, climbs into a spaceship. Frog salutes someone off-screen. Spaceship’s exhaust tubes flare suddenly, and it zips off into space. Female frog (breasts) looks on with mixture of worry and pride. [maybe the spaceship explodes? just a thought –dir.]
N: Frogs.
Earth explodes. [HELL YES.]

Tags: science, nature, jerry bruckheimer, scripts, frogs

Imagine a vat of liquid cow manure covering the area of five football fields and 33 feet deep. Meet California’s most alternative new energy.

On a dairy farm in the Golden State’s agricultural heartland, utility PG&E Corp began on Tuesday producing natural gas derived from manure, in what it hopes will be a new way to power homes with renewable, if not entirely clean, energy.

hey sammy,
here’s my list of pitches to the higher-ups to continue the whole “recycling” and “discovering the hidden potential of discarded blah blah blah.” i think some of these are pretty solid, but let me know if you have any feedback, and which ones we should focus on! 

-rodge

hair sweepings from barber shops >> burn for fuel
Listen, Roger, I know McMurty said we should look at some “alternative sources” for our recycling ideas, and not to shy away from things that might seem “gross,” but have you ever smelled burning hair?  Additionally, I’m really not sure how much energy you’d get out of it.

those packages of silica gel you get in new purses and shoes >> bean bag chairs. also wouldn’t this be a great dehumidifier!
It would be a decent dehumidifer until the crystals pulled in enough moisture from the air, at which point I believe it would solidify into an enormous breast implant.  Also, this doesn’t really seem implementable on a large scale.

fingernail clippings >> burn for fuel
Again, I think you may have taken it too much to heart when McMurty said not to worry about “ideas that may sound gross.” And now I really regret agreeing to look this over for you right after lunch.

old paper towel tubes >> hamster habit trails!
Isn’t this kind of like making kids’ playgrounds out of chocolate or something?  You’re probably better off burning these for fuel, to be quite honest. (Which is also not a good idea.  Please do not counterpropose that we burn paper towel tubes for fuel.  In fact, please stop recommending that we burn things for fuel altogether.)

cow manure >> burn for fuel
I take that back. While I’m not sure that burning is the best way to capitalize on the gasses trapped in manure, this is intriguing.  We’d have to get some good scientists on board to work through the process, make it efficient, and all that, but that’s doable.

irregular candies (the unsellable ones, like when the “m” doesn’t print right, you know?) >> melt down and mold into slides, dollhouses, etc. for new toy line
This is a fantastic idea, Roger.  Why don’t you pitch this one, and let me handle the technical details of the manure scheme.  I think you should go first, to grab their attention—I wouldn’t want to bore them before you got the chance to really knock their socks off!

It is, as always, a great pleasure collaborating with you.

Best,
Sam

Tags: science, agriculture, energy, cows, manure

The seizure by Dutch authorities last month of three exotic cats that a U.S.-based “designer” pet company says it created has sparked allegations by some cat breeders that the felines aren’t what they are advertised to be.
...
[A] U.S. cat breeder claims that at least two of the three animals seized in the Netherlands are not Asheras but Savannah F1 cats – which commonly sell for $5,000 to $6,500.

The satisfaction of our customers is our number one priority. We deeply regret any inconvenience or mauling our misdesigned kitty may have caused. To help us better serve you, please indicate your grievance in the list below:

___ Wrong eye color
___ Tail is not electrified
___ Insufficiently aerodynamic/hydrodynamic
___ Excess appendages (please indicate how many) ___
_x_ Cat is possibly wrong, less-valuable breed with ridiculous helicopter-sounding name
___ Missiles improperly affixed to cat
___ USB/FireWire/MIDI port missing or damaged (please circle one)
___ Cat is a python
_x_ Cat has been impounded by suspicious customs officials (please indicate nationality) _dutch_
___ Does not urinate lager
___ Other

Tags: science, technology, checklist, cats, designer pets

Pfizer said Monday it would cancel a long-running advertising campaign using the artificial heart pioneer Dr. Robert Jarvik as a spokesman for its cholesterol drug Lipitor.
…
Although he has a medical degree, Dr. Jarvik is not a cardiologist and is not licensed to practice medicine.
One television ad depicted Dr. Jarvik as an accomplished rower gliding across a mountain lake, but the ad used a body double for the doctor, who apparently does not row.
…
In a letter to Pfizer in August 2006, three former colleagues of Dr. Jarvik’s at the University of Utah complained that the ads erroneously identified Dr. Jarvik as “inventor of the artificial heart.”

An Andean mountain range at dawn, set to the music of a Handel oratorio. A twin-engine Cessna majestically navigates peak after snowy peak. It is accompanied by condors.
NARRATOR: Lipitor.
Dr. Robert Jarvik’s private practice. [i don’t think he has a private practice—ed.] Dr. Jarvik is surgically replacing a human heart.  He looks up at the camera.
JARVIK: Hello, I’m Dr. Robert Jarvik, inventor of the heart.
[s/b “artificial heart,” no?  or “jarvik artificial heart”?]
Dr. Jarvik steps out of surgery and into his office, which has a placard saying “PRESIDENT – AMERICAN DOCTOR ASSOCIATION OF LICENSED DOCTORS”
N: Most people think exercise and a healthy diet alone are enough to lower cholesterol. In fact, they are destined for an early, heart-related death.
Patient addresses camera:
P: That’s why my accredited cardiologist, Robert Jarvik, recommended that I use Lipitor.
[this should really be fact-checked—also i thought this patient was undergoing surgery]
J: Lipitor isn’t like other drugs that sometimes don’t work. I know this. I am a licensed, medical doctor.
Andean mountain range. In slow-motion, Dr. Jarvik jumps from the plane, affixes a skyboard to his feet, and gracefully navigates gusts of wind.
[i really, really doubt he has ever gone skyboarding in the andes—he’s like 70 years old and he has little old-man arms]
The condors create a formation around him.  One is wearing a rakish Pfizer hat.
N: Lipitor may cause constipation, urgency, bloating, freckles, and irreversible skin loss. Please contact your doctor immediately if there is a sudden, strangely pleasant metallic taste in your mouth, as this may be a sign of impending death. Ask your doctor before using Lipitor, although do you trust him more than Dr. Robert Jarvik? Hmmm. Perhaps you should switch doctors.
A close-up reveals that Dr. Jarvik is playing the bassoon.
[please run this by legal before it airs? please?]
J: Lipitor saved my career. I mean life. Lipitor saved my life.

Tags: science, pharmaceuticals, dr. robert jarvik, doctors, lipitor, rakish hats, pfizer

A prize-winning novelist has won a settlement of more than £100,000 after she claimed to have become so intoxicated by fumes from a nearby shoe factory that she was reduced to writing thrillers.

Relatedly, J.J. Abrams has disclosed that “Cloverfield” was originally intended as an adaptation of Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past; he has attributed the project’s shift in sensibility to the abundance of brightly colored, delicious paint chips in his childhood home.

Dane Cook is also reportedly preparing a civil suit against his own parents, claiming that he would be a more cerebral performer “if I wasn’t genetically sort of dumb.”

Tags: science, lawsuits, cloverfield, dane cook, j.j. abrams