The turkey pardon is a White House tradition that dates to the Truman administration.
...
Pumpkin and the backup bird, Pecan—whom the president joked was being held in an “undisclosed location” just in case “the main act chickens out”—hail from Ellsworth, Iowa. They were chosen from more than 4,500 candidates based on their struts, wattles and personalities.

White House Senior Adviser: Doo-de-doo!  Let’s have a look at today’s to-do list.
White House Senior Adviser: “Prevent further deterioration of reeling economy, with knowledge that all statements and actions made by current administration officials, regardless of content, contribute to said deterioration of economy.”
White House Senior Adviser: “Attempt literally impossible negotiations of troop withdrawal in Iraq based on multiple incompatible semantic systems of ‘war,’ ‘occupation,’ etc.”
White House Senior Adviser: “Enact environment-related legislation that will immediately be overturned by the next administration.”
White House Senior Adviser: Hmmm.
Secretary to White House Senior Adviser: Sir?  Sorry, there’s a late addition to the to-do list.
White House Senior Adviser: “Travel to Iowan backwater; examine over 4500 turkeys; choose among them based on the criteria of struts, wattles, and personalities.”
White House Senior Adviser, softly, gratefully: Hell yes.

Tags: politics, george w. bush, turkeys, thanksgiving, democracy, iowan backwater

As proponents of same-sex marriage across the country planned protests on Saturday against the ban [on gay marriage in California], interviews with the main forces behind the ballot measure showed how close its backers believe it came to defeat—and the extraordinary role Mormons played in helping to pass it with money, institutional support and dedicated volunteers.

Because if there is one group that has always, always, fought for the sanctity of marriage defined as the sacred union of one man and one woman, it is the Mormons.

May God bless them and keep them always.

Tags: politics, religion, abortion, proposition 8, mormons, hypocrisy

In what might amount to an early Christmas present to the universe, two groups of astronomers have taken the first pictures of what they say — and other astronomers agree — are probably planets going around other stars.
...
“It’s the tip of the iceberg,” said Christian Marois of the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, British Columbia. “Now that we know they are there, there is going to be an explosion.”

“We were totally expecting this,” continued Dr. Marois. “The Americans have just elected their first black president, which means it is now officially the future. Discovering new planets is just the kind of thing that’s going to happen now that Barack Obama has been elected. This is only the beginning.”

According to Dr. Marois, the reader can also look forward to bitterly opposed visitors from the post-apocalyptic future, a “light-to-moderate” global plague of nanobots, and the successful cloning of Adolf Hitler, all by the midterm elections in 2010.

“By then, people will wish they hadn’t voted for quite so much change, but the future is not a genie you can just stuff back into its bottle.”

Dr. Marois went on to predict a close presidential race in 2012 with President Obama and Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska both being narrowly edged out by Xanthu, a superintelligent orangutan from one of the newly discovered planets.

Assured Dr. Marois: “His reign shall be just.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, science, the future, astrophysics, extrasolar planets, xanthu

Bush said he plans to return to Texas after he leaves office January 20 and “may write a book” but otherwise has few plans.
...
Bush said he has begun to think about an outline for the book.

“I want people to know what it was like to make some of the decisions I had to make,” he said. “In other words, what was the moment like? And I’ve had one of those presidencies where I’ve had to make some tough calls, and I want people to know the truth about what it was like sitting in the Oval Office.”

You have been invited to the “October 1, 2002 EMERGENCY DECISION CHAT” conference chat with UncheneyMyHeart.  Do you accept? w
Error: Answer not recognized.  Do you accept? W
Error: Answer not recognized.  Do you accept? y

UncheneyMyHeart:  George.  Welcome.
the_w_is_for_win:  dick hows it goin
UncheneyMyHeart:  There is no time to waste.
the_w_is_for_win:  had kind of a slow day round here mself
UncheneyMyHeart:  The time for a decision on Iraq has come.
the_w_is_for_win:  hey did u get thuse lolcats i sent u
the_w_is_for_win:  friggin cat was givin a press confrence
the_w_is_for_win:  i was laughin fit 2 bust!!!!!
UncheneyMyHeart:  Um, sure.
UncheneyMyHeart:  The lollcats amused me most comprehensively.
the_w_is_for_win:  betimes it sure do get a touch lonely all up in here
UncheneyMyHeart:  George!
UncheneyMyHeart:  The commission that you appointed to explore our options on Iraq has released its findings.
UncheneyMyHeart:  To summarize, there are three ways forward.
the_w_is_for_win:  8?!?!
the_w_is_for_win:  aw heck
UncheneyMyHeart:  No, three.
the_w_is_for_win:  8
UncheneyMyHeart:  three = 3
the_w_is_for_win:  what in the crud hill is a =
UncheneyMyHeart:  3.  You have 3 options.
UncheneyMyHeart:  And here to present them is the host of “Fear Factor,” Joe Rogan.
JOEROGAN has entered the conference chat.
JOEROGAN:  GEORGE
JOEROGAN:  ARE YOU READY TO MAKE ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME DECISIONS OF YOUR LIFE
the_w_is_for_win:  aww heck yeah
the_w_is_for_win:  ima tell all my frinds i met joe rogan in the internet
JOEROGAN:  GEORGE, YOUR FIRST OPTION:  INVADE IRAQ…
JOEROGAN:  AND OVERTHROW THE TYRANNICAL DICTATOR THAT KILLED YOUR FATHER
UncheneyMyHeart:  Um.
the_w_is_for_win:  i hate that dude!!!!
UncheneyMyHeart:  You know what, never mind.
JOEROGAN:  YOUR SECOND OPTION:  SPEND A NIGHT…
JOEROGAN:  IN A CLOSET…
JOEROGAN:  FILLED WITH SCORPIONS…
JOEROGAN:  SUSPENDED TEN MILES ABOVE DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN
the_w_is_for_win:  dang!!!!!!????
JOEROGAN:  THOSE ARE YOUR OPTIONS
UncheneyMyHeart:  What happened to the third option?
JOEROGAN:  YOU SAID TWO OPTIONS
UncheneyMyHeart:  I said three.
the_w_is_for_win:  8
JOEROGAN:  FOR THE LOVE
JOEROGAN:  UM
JOEROGAN:  GEORGE, YOUR THIRD OPTION…
JOEROGAN:  IS TO EAT…
JOEROGAN:  FOUR TONS...
JOEROGAN:  OF UNCOOKED GOAT TESTICLES
the_w_is_for_win:  ewwwww
JOEROGAN:  HERE THEY ARE, IN A TRUCK
JOEROGAN is gesturing to a truck containing four tons of uncooked goat testicles.
UncheneyMyHeart:  Oh Jesus Christ.
the_w_is_for_win:  daggg
JOEROGAN:  TIME TO CHOOSE
the_w_is_for_win:  what were teh first option agin
JOEROGAN:  DECLARE WAR ON IRAQ AND TAKE VENGEANCE ON THE MAN WHO KILLED YOUR FATHER
the_w_is_for_win:  that dude gits me all riled up!!!!!!!
the_w_is_for_win:  i feel like thar were another item
JOEROGAN:  LIVE IN A CLOSET WITH SCORPIONS
the_w_is_for_win:  thats not 8
the_w_is_for_win:  oh wait, i forgot aboutn them texas oysters
UncheneyMyHeart:  George!  You must act now!
the_w_is_for_win:  heck i dont know
UncheneyMyHeart:  George, my God.
UncheneyMyHeart:  You are choosing among war, living with scorpions in a closet, and eating a physically infeasible quantity of uncooked goat testicles.
UncheneyMyHeart:  Choose war.
the_w_is_for_win:  well
the_w_is_for_win:  dick this is tough
the_w_is_for_win:  is therr any chance that a insight could be gleant from our sponsors
JOEROGAN:  EXCELLENT POINT
JOEROGAN:  WE’LL BE BACK AFTER THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

Tags: politics, conference chat, george w. bush, dick cheney, the oval office, joe rogan, texas oysters, closet of scorpions, fear factor, lolcats

Sarah Palin today said she will seek guidance from a higher authority over whether to run for the White House in 2012.

The defeated republican vice presidential candidate told how she hoped God would ‘show her the way’ on any bid for the presidency in four years.

But the Alaska governor, who has been promoted as a possible candidate in some republican quarters, has not yet decided to mount a campaign.

She said: ‘I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door.

‘Show me where the open door is.’

From ‘The Doors of Perception’, by Aldous Huxley:

The man who comes back through the Door in the Wall will never be quite the same as the man who went out. He will be wiser but less sure, happier but less self-satisfied, humbler in acknowledging his ignorance yet better equipped to understand the relationship of words to things, of systematic reasoning to the unfathomable mystery which it tries, forever vainly, to comprehend.

The Governor who continues to seek the Door in the Wall, however, will always be the same ignorant shower of vacuous twaddle-bollocks as she was to start with. She will never be any better equipped to understand the relationship of word to things, especially if that thing is a continent. Systematic reasoning will forever remain a mystery, and she will be consigned to history as being the only politician ever who could make Dubya seem as articulate and progressive as Gandhi. God will say unto her, ‘Go forth through the door and multiply, again, for you will never comprehend.’

And she was gone.

Tags: politics, sarah palin, republicans, the doors of perception, vacuous twaddle-bollocks, aldous huxley

Since the time of Harry Truman, presidents and their families have been assigned security code names.
...
The Obama family has received its new—and alliterative—names: “Renegade” (Barack), “Renaissance” (Michelle), “Radiance” (Malia) and “Rosebud” (Sasha).

These not-so-secret names used by the Secret Service are chosen by the White House Communications Agency.

How Well Do You Know Your Secret Service Code Names? 
a quiz

Section I
Please choose the real honest-to-God code name for each of the following.

1. Al Gore
  a) Sawhorse
  b) Barstool
  c) Nightstand
  d) Table

2. Sarah Palin
  a) Yukon
  b) Denali
  c) Tundra
  d) Sierra

3. Joe Biden
  a) Gallic
  b) Franco
  c) Celtic
  d) Greco

Section II
Please indicate whether the names given below are:
  a) actual Secret Service codenames
  b) stripper names
  c) horse names

4. Lancer
5. Dancer
6. Tripper
7. Rawhide
8. Dynamo
9. Starlight
10. Cavalier
11. Driller
12. Minuteman

Section III
Please match the Secret Service codenames listed below with the public figure they were assigned to.

13. Evergreen   a. Karenna Gore
14. Unicorn       b. Jesse Jackson
15. Smurfette    c. Hillary Clinton
16. Kittyhawk    d. Betty Ford
17. Thunder      e. Queen Elizabeth II
18. Napoleon    f. Prince Charles
19. Pinafore      g. Pope John Paul II
20. Halo            h. Frank Sinatra






































Answers

Section I:
1. a
2. b
3. c

Section II:
Technically, for any of these, (a), (b), and (c) are all correct.
4. Lancer (John F. Kennedy)
5. Dancer (Rosalynn Carter)
6. Tripper (Jeb Bush)
7. Rawhide (Ronald Reagan)
8. Dynamo (Amy Carter)
9. Starlight (Pat Nixon)
10. Cavalier (Walter Mondale)
11. Driller (Todd Palin)
12. Minuteman (John Kerry)

Section III:
13. Evergreen   c. Hillary Clinton
14. Unicorn       f. Prince Charles
15. Smurfette    a. Karenna Gore
16. Kittyhawk    e. Queen Elizabeth II
17. Thunder      b. Jesse Jackson
18. Napoleon    h. Frank Sinatra
19. Pinafore      d. Betty Ford
20. Halo            g. Pope John Paul II

Tags: politics, barack obama, president-elect barack obama, national security, secret service code names, radiance, good names for a stripper or horse, rosebud, renegade, renaissance

On the first Sunday after a gay marriage ban passed in California, activists rallied in defiance, including hundreds of protesters outside an Orange County megachurch whose pastor brought Barack Obama and John McCain together last summer for a “faith forum.”
...
“They told such obvious lies. They used their lies to deceive the public,” Todeschini said of the church.

“I mean, after over 2000 years of telling people about a man named Jesus being the son of God born from a virgin mother, curing lepers with the touch of his hand, walking on water, and dying and then coming back to life, as well as informing people that the world is only several thousand years old, the first woman was made out of a rib bone, that the phenomenon of self-consciousness was conferred upon the human species by a talking snake in a tree - you know, all these facts - it is just shocking that the church would suddenly resort to such obvious lies.”

Tags: politics, religion, christianity, proposition 8, california, saddleback church, a talking snake in a tree

Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has paid a fulsome though bizarre tribute to US President-elect Barack Obama on Thursday, describing him as “young, handsome and even suntanned”. 

Echoes persist of Berlusconi’s congratulations to German chancellor Angela Merkel upon her election in 2005, when he praised her as “young, handsome and possessing a most peculiar inverted penis”.

Tags: politics, barack obama, international relations, inverted penis, angela merkel, gaffes, silvio berlusconi

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation’s next first lady, Michelle Obama.

Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House.

And yes, you may name him “Maverick.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, president-elect barack obama, sasha obama, malia obama, puppy, first dog

They voted to break with George W. Bush’s sorry legacy and to restore a nation’s pride and self-confidence in what the charismatic Obama, echoing Martin Luther King, calls “the fierce urgency of now.”

It proved, in the final analysis, to be a more compelling idea than McCain’s “the moderate proximity of soon.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, the fierce urgency of now, maybe we might, the moderate proximity of soon, oh my god we just elected the complete opposite of george w. bush, yes we can

hopefully you have voted already

if you fail to vote, strongtakes.com will come to your house and tattoo an image of richard nixon on your forehead

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, go vote right now, elections

On a cold, gray morning a week before Election Day, President Bush briefly emerged from the White House for an unannounced visit to the headquarters of the Republican National Committee in Southeast Washington.

Outside the RNC building, Bush continued to face record-low approval ratings and a presidential campaign focused on his failings. But inside an overflowing conference room, he was greeted with roaring applause as he urged his fellow Republicans to keep pushing for the finish line.
…
“Everybody kind of wanted to spend the last 100-plus days doing some legacy things, and the financial crisis has thrown a wrench into that,” said one prominent Republican who regularly talks with senior White House officials.

“You have a combination of no legacy stuff, a horrible economic mess and the likelihood that Obama is going to win,” this person added. “There is a real sadness there.”

REPUBLICAN PARTY MEMO (WHITE HOUSE CIRCULATION ONLY)

Ideas on how to spend about one-third of a year doing some legacy things for our out-going President, George W. Bush.

1. Take a trip to Florida. Stay with Jeb. Take a low-key motorcade into predominantly black areas. Steal some stuff (things to steal: the concepts of enfranchisement, democracy and eight yeas of history?). Action: Impossible. Darn finance meltdown thing too much of an obstacle. Also, can you steal a concept? Maybe.

2. Throw a party. Don’t invite: Kofi Annan, the French. Do invite: Hans Blix (ignore, tee hee!), Wall Street bankers (get them drunk), G.B Snr. Food ideas – no broccoli or pretzels.

3. Commission an aquatic-based, memorial theme park in New Orleans named W.aterW.orld. Have a ride called ‘waterboarding’. Action: No action, naturally.

4. Release one prisoner per month from Guantanamo, like Emperor Pontius Pilate does for Passover in Life of Brian. Pros: Makes G.W.B look like Roman Emperor. Cons: Could upset Christian Right.

5. Get 700 Billion out of Federal Reserve. Buy film-making equipment. Produce feature called ‘How I Jizzed Up Lots of Cash On My Buddies’. (Note: must stop Tony trying to suck off G.W.B again. Too risky with so many cameras around.)

Tags: politics, barack obama, george w. bush, republicans, financial crisis, legacy stuff

Berry is one of more than 50,000 registered Georgia voters who have been “flagged” because of a computer mismatch in their personal identification information. At least 4,500 of those people are having their citizenship questioned and the burden is on them to prove eligibility to vote.

Experts say lists of people with mismatches are often systematically cut, or “purged,” from voter rolls.

Mello: Um, Republicans?
Republicans: What is it, Mello?
Mello: Can I ask you about something?
Republicans: Make it quick.
Mello: It’s about this purging voters thing.
Republicans: Oh here we go again.
Mello: Look, I try to see both sides of every issue, but isn’t systematically preventing tens of thousands of ordinary citizens from voting wrong, maybe even downright evil? I mean, it seems so blatantly and obviously evil, there must be something that I am not seeing in order to explain how you’re able to get away with it. I’d sleep better at night if you could clear this up for me.
Republicans: Mello, come on. We’re purging the records! Just cleaning them up a bit – you know, purging. Since when is purging such a bad thing?
Mello: Since always.
Republicans: Give one example.
Mello: For starters, Joseph Stalin’s Great Purge left somewhere between one to two million dead. In effect, people who represented something politically undesirable to the regime in power were silenced by the most efficient means necessary. In Soviet Russia, that meant large-scale execution or slow and painful death at labor camps. There are other ways, though. Disenfranchising voters, for example.
Republicans: I don’t see how that is related.
Mello: Well, the term “purge” is also associated with bulimia, the eating disorder.
Republicans: That sounds like a made-up word.
Mello: No, it isn’t. It’s a terrible syndrome where the sufferer binges on large amounts of food and then purges the food from their system by inducing vomiting or using laxatives.
Republicans: Definitely not a real thing.
Mello: That is a terrible thing to say.
Republicans: YOU wrote it.
Mello: YOU are fucking evil! I don’t understand how you can keep getting away with this shit. Listen, I know that the Democrats are far from perfect and that the entire two-party capitalist system that we’re operating under has some major problems, but how in the fuck is it possible for such blatant injustice to be carried out at this level? I don’t – hey, what are you doing?
Republicans: Stand still.
Mello: What is that? What are you doing with that wool?
Republicans: Just stand still, we’re trying to pull this over your – there.  Ha!
Mello: Um, I can still sort of see stuff.
Republicans: We’ve gotten kind of bad at what we do.

Tags: politics, republicans, stalin, evil, purging, bulimia, pure and sincere expressions of evil

Let me just say categorically I’m proud of the people that come to our rallies. Whenever you get a large rally of 10,000, 15,000, 20,000 people, you’re going to have some fringe peoples. You know that. And I’ve—and we’ve always said that that’s not appropriate.

But to somehow say that group of young women who said “Military wives for McCain” are somehow saying anything derogatory about you, but anything—and those veterans that wear those hats that say “World War II, Vietnam, Korea, Iraq,” I’m not going to stand for people saying that the people that come to my rallies are anything but the most dedicated, patriotic men and women that are in this nation and they’re great citizens.

And I’m not going to stand for somebody saying that because someone yelled something at a rally—there’s a lot of things that have been yelled at your rallies, Senator Obama, that I’m not happy about either. 

An Obama rally.

Barack Obama: ...It’s very simple: the Rousseauist notion of a citizen-magistrate majority is not only unattainable, even in a sort of figurative sense, it is—
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: MCCAIN’S TAX PROPOSALS SUCK
Barack Obama: I beg your pardon?
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: MCCAIN’S TAX PROPOSALS
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1:
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: THEY SUCK
Barack Obama: Now, that is not a fair thing to say.  I repudiate that statement.  That’s—that’s over the line.
A Lone Voice from the Audience #2: MCCAIN’S TAX PROPOSALS ARE ILL-CONCEIVED
Joe Biden: I would agree with that one.
Barack Obama: Yeah, that one I can get behind.  They’re definitely ill-conceived.  You can’t just say that they suck.
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: WHAT ABOUT MCCAIN IS AN OLD CRAZY COOT
Barack Obama: No.  Absolutely not.
Joe Biden: You’re calling him a “coot,” number one.  Number two, you’re also calling him “crazy.”
A Lone Voice from the Audience #3: IT IS ENTIRELY LEGITIMATE TO CITE JOHN MCCAIN’S AGE AND HEALTH IN A DISCUSSION OF HIS FITNESS TO BE PRESIDENT
Barack Obama:
Joe Biden: I’d buy that one.
Barack Obama: Not something I intend to spend a lot of time talking about, but fine.
Joe Biden: Let me repeat:  I’d buy that one.
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: AWRIGHT LEMME TRY AGAIN
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: UHH
Barack Obama: I feel like we’re getting sidetracked, here.
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: SARAH PALIN IS A [VAGINA]
Joe Biden:
Barack Obama:
Michelle Obama: Sarah Palin has a [vagina]?  Or Sarah Palin is a [vagina].
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: IS
Barack Obama: Yeah, again, that’s not gonna work.
Joe Biden: Kind of a tough word, number one.  Number two—well, yeah.
Barack Obama: Friend, you’re conflating—you’re proposing a significational dynamic known as ‘synecdoche.’
Barack Obama: In other words, you’re being a synecdochebag.
Audience:
Barack Obama: It’s a lot funnier if you know how that’s spelled.

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, joe biden, synecdoche, sarah palin is a [vagina]

Kathy Seals, a Republican voter who attended the Richmond event, said she admired Ms. Palin for ‘unabashedly speaking the truth, especially about life and the choices she made about her baby, Trig [...]’. Ms. Palin’s infant son, who has Down syndrome, is a frequent presence in his mother’s left arm as she shakes hands with supporters and moves from event to event.

Three ways that Trig Palin is special:

1.His mommy is running for Vice President.

2.He has an extra 21st chromosome.

3.He has been exposed to more germs than any other baby ever.

On the other hand, his mommy didn’t you-know-what him, so helping her get elected is kind of the least he can do.

Tags: politics, sarah palin, abortion, trig palin, down syndrome, non-aborted-baby-flaunting

If he does [lose], it wouldn’t be the first time that polls have overstated support for an African-American candidate. Since 1982, people have talked about the Bradley effect, where even last-minute polls predict a wide margin of victory, yet the black candidate goes on to lose, or win in a squeaker. (In the case that lent the phenomenon its name, Tom Bradley, the mayor of Los Angeles, lost his race for governor, the assumption being that voters lied to pollsters about their support for an African-American.)

Other lesser-known effects that might hurt the Democrats’ chances this November:

The Barone Effect – Named after Colby Barone, the black gubernatorial candidate in the 1984 Pennsylvania election, who though predicted to win by a large margin lost in a squeaker after election officials enforced the little known “Sorry, no blacks” law.

The Butterfly Effect – Named after Tom Butterfly, the black mayoral candidate in the 1992 Denver election, who though predicted to win in a landslide lost by a thin margin after a hand gesticulation in a speech caused a tsunami that inexplicably wiped out the majority of the black constituency.

The Special Effect – With this effect, on the night of the election, computer-generated images (CGI) of aliens attacking the White House shown on TV distract the public while votes cast for the heavily favored black candidate are burned in a large incinerator.

The Cause and Effect – An effect whereby the candidate with the most votes wins regardless of the color of his or her skin or which party he or she belongs to.*

*Not always applicable in elections with blatant corruption, racist voting procedures, or the Electoral College.

Tags: politics, barack obama, tom bradley, exciting new ways for the democrats to lose, the electoral college, the bradley effect

McCain made a verbal flub during his speech.  After laying out his policy goals, he said: ‘This is the agenda I have set before my fellow prisoners.’

According to the text of the speech released by his campaign, the word was supposed to be ‘citizens,’ not ‘prisoners.’

The text of the speech also helped clarify some of Sen. McCain’s other flubs.  For example, it is now clear that when McCain yelled out, “Ah, Jesus! Ah, Jesus, Ray!  I’m hit! I’m hit! I’m going down!  There’s Charlie all over me!”, what he meant to say was “Friends, I have the experience and the wisdom that America needs during this difficult time of crisis.”

Later, when McCain suddenly dropped to the ground behind the podium, hugged his knees and gently rocked himself back and forth while sobbing, “Where’s Cafferty? Why haven’t they brought back Cafferty? Oh God, I just want to go home.  Oh, please God, just let me go home,” he had apparently intended to say, “Friends, my opponent thinks that what this country needs is more talk...well, I know that solving our problems will take action.”

Finally, judging from the official text, it seems that McCain had intended to end the speech by waving and giving a thumbs up while standing next to running mate Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, rather than by leaping from the stage and using his right thumb to eye-gouge a supporter in the front row, then removing his shoe and brandishing it in an effort to keep security at bay while fumbling at the downed supporter’s belt in apparent search for a pair of guard’s keys “to spring [him] at long last from this hellish prison” [the Lehigh University gymnasium in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania].

McCain’s repeated call to “bomb the rice-munching Chinaman back into the Stone Age,” however, was part of the original text.

Tags: politics, john mccain, the rice-munching chinaman, vietnam war, charlie

”It’s just malarkey, flat malarkey,” Biden said of the Ayers criticism. “The guy Barack Obama is going to turn and ask opinion to is me, not that guy.”

A lunch counter.

Barack Obama: The club sandwich looks good.
Joe Biden: It’s got turkey, number one.  Number two, it’s also got bacon.
Barack Obama: Although I always feel better after, after eating a salad.
Joe Biden: Let me repeat: the club sandwich also has bacon.
Barack Obama: These salads look pretty good too.
Barack Obama: But not as good as the club sandwich.
Barack Obama, to himself: I need to get an opinion on this one.
Joe Biden, waiting expectantly:
Barack Obama: Joe, do you have Bill Ayers’s number?  I remember he used to have pretty good thoughts on lunc
Joe Biden is holding a kitchen knife.
Barack Obama:
Joe Biden: I will not be ignored.

Tags: politics, barack obama, joe biden, sandwiches, bill ayers, fatal attraction

Asked if she thought Senator Obama was dishonest, [Sarah Palin responded]:

“I’m not saying he’s dishonest, but in terms of judgment, in terms of being able to answer a question forthrightly, it has two different parts to this. The judgment and the truthfulness and just being able to answer very candidly a simple question about when did you know him, how did you know him, is there still — has there been an association continued since ’02 or ’05, I know I’ve read a couple different stories. I think it’s relevant.”

Todd Palin: Honey, is everything all right?  You’re not touching the salmon that I grilled for you.
Sarah Palin:
Todd Palin: Do you think the salmon is not delicious?
Sarah Palin: I’m not saying it’s not delicious, but in terms of flavor, in terms of being able to to feed a human forthrightly, it has been two different parts to this.
Todd Palin:
Sarah Palin: The flavor and the mouthwateringness and just being able to feed very directly a hungry human about when was it grilled, how was it grilled — has there been a marinade using teriyaki sauce or mustard, I know I’ve read a couple different stories.
Todd Palin:
Sarah Palin: I think it’s relevant.
Todd Palin, sadly: Politics has changed you.

Tags: politics, barack obama, sarah palin, todd palin, salmon, politics has changed you

In such a situation, even a powerful vice president such as Cheney can no longer command votes from members of the House. “Cheney lived up to his reputation as Darth Vader . . . talking about all the terrible things that were going to happen,” said Rep. Christopher Shays (R-Conn.). “People weren’t afraid of Darth Vader.”

“I mean, seriously, what’s he going to do?” chuckled Shays.  “Is Darth Cheney going to goagggh....garrgaha...chdheahdgsthaahsaaggghghgghgg.”

Tags: politics, dick cheney, star wars, darth cheney, christopher shays, chdheahdgsthaahsaaggghghgghgg, darth vader

After a lengthy, smiling pause, Sarah Palin could not name a Supreme Court decision she disagrees with, beyond Roe v. Wade, in an interview that aired tonight on CBS.

The Alaska governor had just finished explaining that abortion should be decided by individual states when CBS anchor Katie Couric asked, “What other Supreme Court decisions do you disagree with?”

“Well, let’s see,” Palin said, stalling for time. “There’s, of course—in the great history of America, there have been rulings, that’s never going to be absolute consensus by every American.”

The Palin family home.
Track Palin: Mo-o-o-om!  I have to write a stupid paper. And I don’t know how to start it.
Sarah Palin: What’s the paper on?
Track Palin: It’s on stupid commercial fishing.
Sarah Palin, with sudden anger: HOW DARE YOU SLANDER COMMERCIAL FISHING, WHELP.
Sarah Palin, recovering composure: Anyways!  I have a certain trick I’m gonna teach you.  You should always start a paper, or really anything, with a nice general statement what can’t be overturned.
Track Palin: Huh.
Sarah Palin: Like:  “In the history of fish, there have always been humans to eat those fish.”
Track Palin:
Sarah Palin: Or:  “In the history of America, there have been the catching and eating of fish.” And then you can just say whatever!  And no one will be able to argue with you. Because it’s like:  oh!  Are you telling me that in the entire history of America, no one has caught or eaten a fish?  Come on.
Track Palin: Mom.  Holy crud.  That’s awesome.
Sarah Palin: It’s like: checkmate.

A CBS recording studio.
Katie Couric: What other Supreme Court decisions do you disagree with?
Sarah Palin:
Sarah Palin, smiling uncomfortably:
Sarah Palin: Well, let’s see.
Sarah Palin: There’s, of course—in the great history of America, there have been rulings, that’s never going to be absolute consensus by every American.
All Five Palin Children, looking on admiringly: WE HAVE THE SMARTEST MOM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Tags: politics, sarah palin, commercial fishing, rhetoric, acceptable ways to begin an essay if you are twelve, katie couric

Cherie Blair has told of her “deep sense of relief” she did not have to stand next to Nicholas Sarkozy’s wife Carla Bruni on her visit to Britain.

In an interview with US magazine Vanity Fair she joked it was not a “fair comparison” - the French president’s wife is a former supermodel.

She added she liked to think of herself as someone who might be “a role model for people who want to become lawyers”.

Mrs Blair said history would judge her husband, former PM Tony, “very well”.

“He’ll be up there with Churchill,” she argued. 

Mrs Blair, a high-ranking lawyer, went on to suggest that David Beckham might be “someone who could be a role model for people who want to become footballers” and Gordon Brown “a role model for people who want to become unemployed”.

When asked if she felt her comments were an admission that beauty was more important than brains for women, she added, “only if you look like an ostrich”.

Asked to elaborate further on her comparison between Tony Blair and Churchill she noted, accurately, that “Churchill once said he didn’t understand why people got upset about the gassing of uncivilised tribes. My husband considers towel-heads to be uncivilised, so he bombed the living bejezus out of them, most weeks, for years.”

In a continuation of its policy of publishing insufferably rhetorical codswallop, next month’s Vanity Fair will feature an article penned by Mrs Thatcher in which she will assert her belief that “having extremely rich friends high up in the media makes one’s rabidly capitalist agenda much easier to spin.”

Tags: politics, britain, carla bruni, cherie blair, women who look like ostriches, tony blair

Republican presidential nominee John McCain returns to the trail today after a dramatic but rocky four-day detour that upended his campaign, upset supporters and gave new ammunition to critics who question his judgment.
...
After arriving in Mississippi, he decided to return to the capital immediately after the debate. His late-night flight landed at 3:15 a.m. Saturday. Later that day, he made 17 phone calls from his campaign office to White House and congressional leaders, but did not take part in the late-night negotiations that finally hammered out the proposed accord.
...
McCain also defended his decision to become so personally involved in the bailout debate. “I did the best that I could,” he said. “I came back because I wasn’t going to phone it in.”

Continued McCain, “But as it turned out, the best I could do was literally to phone it in.”

Tags: politics, john mccain, bailout, economics, phoning it in

[A]s the kitchen sizzled and orders were barked out, Palin found herself talking politics, calling McCain’s debate performance “awesome” and taking questions from a voter about the hunt for terrorists in Pakistan.
…
“So we do cross border, like from Afghanistan to Pakistan you think?,” Rovito asked.

“If that’s what we have to do stop the terrorists from coming any further in, absolutely, we should,” Palin responded, before moving on to greet other voters.

Those comments appear to contradict McCain’s long-standing position of negotiating with Pakistan before carrying out attacks on terrorists within their borders. The GOP nominee criticized Barack Obama in Friday night’s debate for his willingness to strike unilaterally inside Pakistan.

“He said that he would launch military strikes into Pakistan,” McCain said. “You don’t do that. You don’t say that out loud.”

When reached for comment to explain Palin’s apparently contradictory remark, McCain remained confident. “When I said, ‘You don’t say that out loud,’ I was talking directly to Senator Obama. I did not mean in general. I meant very specifically that Barack could not say it out loud. I didn’t mean for that to apply to other people, such as my running mate. See? No contradiction there. We’re a united front.”

When pressed and asked if he was implying that he agreed with Palin’s remark, McCain’s confidence waned. “Listen, she was ordering a cheesesteak. Whatever she said, she didn’t mean it. I doubt she even knows what Pakistan is.”

When asked if he really thought Palin’s lack of geographic knowledge was better than her contradictory political policy, McCain’s confidence imploded in on itself and he shouted, “I made a mistake, okay? Is that what you want me to say? Fine, I’ll say I made a mistake.”

When news of McCain’s confession of regret reached Palin she released the following statement: “Not awesome.”

Tags: politics, john mccain, sarah palin, pakistan, cheesesteaks

In the Roosevelt Room after the session, the Treasury secretary, Henry M. Paulson Jr., literally bent down on one knee as he pleaded with Ms. Pelosi not to “blow it up” by withdrawing her party’s support for the package over what Ms. Pelosi derided as a Republican betrayal.

“I didn’t know you were Catholic,” Ms. Pelosi said, a wry reference to Mr. Paulson’s kneeling, according to someone who observed the exchange. She went on: “It’s not me blowing this up, it’s the Republicans.”

Mr. Paulson sighed. “I know. I know.”

Office of the Press Secretary
September 25, 2008
PRIVATE CONSULTATION AMONG DEMOCRATS DURING RECESS FOLLOWING REPUBLICAN BAILOUT COUNTERPROPOSAL
THE ROOSEVELT ROOM
Partial Transcript.

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES MAJORITY LEADER NANCY PELOSI (D-CA.) [unintelligible]
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER HARRY REID (D-NV.) No, that was, that was fine, I thought
PELOSI I just feel like that could have been wittier.
REID [unintelligible]
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA (D-IL.) It was—I would say that was reasonably witty
REID It was very witty, I thought
PELOSI I didn’t want to say, you know, “Why, Hank, you know I’m a married woman.” I was pretty sure that wasn’t the thing to say.
OBAMA No, I don’t believe that would have gone over well.
PELOSI Yeah.
REID Yeah, it’d be like, “Hey, did you remember I was a woman?  Because I’m a woman.”
OBAMA There’d be a certain, um
REID “With great legs.”
PELOSI Yeah.  Yeah.
REID You did perfectly fine.
PELOSI [unintelligible]
REID I guess another option would have been, “I now dub you Sir Hank!” And touch him on the head with, with like an umbrella.
OBAMA [unintelligible]
REID “Sir Hank of the Bailout of, of Lehmania.”
PELOSI Too obvious.
REID You know what, I just don’t have it today.
OBAMA Alternatively, you could have said, “Hank, if you’re going to sell out your economic beliefs, and additionally ask me to sell out mine, along with the trust of those who appointed us to our respective positions—in my case a majority of Americans, in your case the President of the United States—all due to some last-minute Republican reneging—then you could at least go down on both knees.”
REID [unintelligible]
PELOSI That’s good.  That’s better than mine.  I knew there was a better one.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH I think it’s too bulky.
REID (agitated) Mr. President, you have to stop listening in on our huddles.

Tags: politics, barack obama, george w. bush, bailout, nancy pelosi, henry paulson, sir hank of the bailout of lehmania, harry reid, fake transcripts

People who startle easily in response to threatening images or loud sounds seem to have a biological predisposition to adopt conservative political positions on many hot-button issues, according to unusual new research published yesterday.

The finding suggests that people who are particularly sensitive to signals of visual or auditory threats also tend to adopt a more defensive stance on political issues, such as immigration, gun control, defense spending and patriotism. People who are less sensitive to potential threats, by contrast, seem predisposed to hold more liberal positions on those issues. 

Political Ideology as a Predictor for Startle Response
Graham Bettelman, et al.
University of Nebraska, Lincoln

Abstract
The authors examined the correlation in humans of ideations of political conservativism and strength of startle reactions to threat stimuli.  Subjects were exposed to three situations that included a perceived threat (visual, auditory, or imagined), and their reaction measured along parameters that included the amounts of eye blinking and palm sweat, and vertical distance jumped from a sitting position.  Results show conclusively that Republicans are just more jumpy.

Methods
Subjects were given questionnaires to determine political philosophy, and randomly grouped into one of three conditions (2x3 design): visual threat, auditory threat, and absence of threat.  Throughout the experiment, measurements of palm moistness and blinking rate were monitored (see Fig. 1).

Visual Threat. In the visual threat condition, subjects saw a short film clip of a young gay man expressing his enthusiasm over his plans to marry the subject’s son and move to San Francisco to open a vegan swingers’ restaurant. 
Auditory Threat. In the auditory threat condition, subjects were fitted with headphones, through which calming classical music was played at a moderate volume.  After a randomized period of time (10s-25s after the beginning of the music), a heavily accented voice would interrupt to proclaim a desire to join the Subject’s great country in order to work a below-minimum-wage job and establish a better future for his family.  The original, which design called for a variety of voices, proved too complex for this study’s simple 2x3 design, so we instead used the voice of a single Mexican-American male, aged 23.
Absence of Threat. In the absence of threat condition, subjects were instructed to imagine a utopian-type world: where wars are not waged to further political agendas; citizens are taxed fairly based on their ability to give; and all people have true freedom to worship, love, and make health decisions without government intervention.

Results
In all cases, subjects who had identified as more conservative on their questionaire reacted much more strongly to the threat stimuli, though contrary to our expectations, the greatest response came in the Absence of Threat condition. ...
To continue reading this paper, please log in now to ScienceOnline.

Tags: politics, science, republicans, immigration, gay marriage, vegan swingers restaurants, startlement

Of course, we’re going to need oil for many years, but instead of exalting that — with “drill, baby, drill” — why not throw all our energy into innovating a whole new industry of clean power with the mantra “invent, baby, invent?”

FULL LIST OF SLOGANS BRAINSTORMED BY THOMAS FRIEDMAN AS ALTERNATIVES TO “DRILL, BABY, DRILL”

SLOGAN: grill, baby, grill
PROS: could be construed as exhortation to install and use solar panels
CONS: more likely to be construed as exhortation to grill food using fossil fuels

SLOGAN: brill, baby, brill
PROS: the flatfish brill is a tasty and nutritious alternative to over-harvested fish higher in the food chain, such as tuna
CONS: “brill” is not a verb

SLOGAN: invent, baby, invent
PROS: is literally what Thomas Friedman thinks Americans should do regarding energy
CONS: near-horrific clunkiness demonstrates complete lack of understanding of what makes slogans memorable and successful

SLOGAN: trill, baby, trill
PROS: most scientists believe the musical technique of trilling does not have an adverse effect on the environment
CONS: this slogan has no cons

Tags: politics, republicans, energy, brill, rudy giuliani, grilling, krill, thomas friedman, drill, baby, drill

[T]he campaign of Senator John McCain on Tuesday unveiled a new television advertisement claiming that [Senator Barack] Obama, the Democratic nominee, favors “comprehensive sex education” for kindergarten students [referring to a 2003 sex education bill proposed in the Illinois legislature, which Mr. Obama supported]...[T]he main objective of the legislation, as it pertained to kindergarteners [was] to teach them how to defend themselves against sexual predators.

In comments Wednesday, McCain campaign chief strategist Steve Schmidt explained the logic of opposition to such a bill. “Look, it couldn’t be simpler: a McCain-Palin administration will support abstinence-only sex education, because if you don’t teach teens about sex, then they won’t have sex. Obviously. By the same logic, if we don’t teach our children about sexual abuse, then they can’t be sexually abused.  So the real question is, why do Senators Obama and Biden want your children to be sexually abused? Right? Because that’s the real question.”

Mr. Schmidt went on to explain Sen. McCain and Governor Palin’s opposition to teaching our kids about obesity—"it makes them fat"—about pooping their pants—"it makes them poop their pants"—and about earthquakes—"it causes earthquakes”.

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, sarah palin, joe biden, obesity, steve schmidt, earthquakes, sex education, logic

Oprah Winfrey, America’s favourite daytime TV star, has refused to have Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin as a guest on her talk show.

…

“When I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates,” she said in a statement.

Winfrey’s statement slammed reports on Drudge that there was a fierce debate going on among her staff about having Palin on as a guest. Winfrey called the story “categorically untrue” and said there had been no discussion about having Palin on during the election.

“I agree that Sarah Palin would be a fantastic interview, and I would love to have her on after the campaign is over,” Winfrey said.

O, The Oprah Magazine
Letter from the Editor
9/7/08

Dear Readers,

I control the daytime television airwaves. I’m one of the most
respected voices of the African-American community in the United
States. I am the richest woman on Earth – that’s right, I’m still richer than J.K. Rowling and
she’s sold five trillion copies of Harry Potter.

So, what is there left for me to conquer?

I’ve decided to defy logic itself.

When I decided to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates.

But wait, isn’t taking a public stance for a candidate using my show as a platform for a candidate?

Yes.

Then…

Exactly.

What?

Oprah. There is no debate about whether or not Governor Palin will be a guest on my show.

But isn’t the very fact that you have to make a statement clearing up confusion on the matter proving that there is a debate?

What debate?

About having Governor Palin as a guest –

We have no guests.

Yes you do! You interview guests! You have a primarily female audience! It is ridiculous to say that her name wouldn’t have at least been mentioned as a possibility to –

I agree that Governor Palin would be a fantastic interview.

Yes! There you -

So that is why I cannot interview her.

What?!

Desire is suffering.

Wait, are you Buddhist or just being illogical? And why is this a conversation? Isn’t this a letter that you yourself are writing for the front of your magazine?

Why would I have a magazine?

Exactly! I don’t know! There is no reason that Oprah should have a magazine.

So perhaps I have already defied logic?

Yeah…yeah, I guess so.

You guess so? Or you guess O?

I guess O.

Do you guess O? Or do you know O?

I know O.

Do you know O? O do you O O?

I O O.

O,
O

Tags: politics, barack obama, sarah palin, desire is suffering, oprah

The selection [of running-mate Sarah Palin] [...] offers a glimpse into how Mr. McCain might make high-stakes decisions as president.

At the very least, the process reflects Mr. McCain’s history of making fast, instinctive and sometimes risky decisions. “I make them as quickly as I can, quicker than the other fellow, if I can,” Mr. McCain wrote, with his top adviser Mark Salter, in his 2002 book, Worth the Fighting For. “Often my haste is a mistake, but I live with the consequences without complaint.”