With Phelps’ made-in-the-USA credentials and a Woods-like victory scream, [ad executive Bob] Dorfman says he can envision the swimmer pitching everything from McDonald’s and men’s grooming products to cereal and energy bars.

“He could co-star with Mom in those Campbell’s Chunky Soup commercials or model Hanes underwear,” Dorfman says. “He’s entered that global icon phase where you can see him alongside Tiger and (tennis’ Roger) Federer in those Gillette spots. He looks like he could use some dental work. Maybe there’s something there, too.”

You have been invited to a conference chat with AtOnePhelpsWhoop. Do you accept? y

bobdorfman: michael!  whats happening
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  Oh man!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’m just so fired up for this conference chat!
bobdorfman: im glad to hear it!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  It’s just an unbelievable feeling!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I don’t even know what to say right now!
bobdorfman: okay!
bobdorfman: well, michael, i was hoping we could discuss the packet i sent you
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’ve just had this dream of being in a conference chat and putting all this work my whole life into conference chatting and now it’s all finally falling into place and I don’t know what to say!
bobdorfman: regarding the endorsement deals i think Baker Street Partners could get you
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I don’t even totally know what just happened!
bobdorfman: um
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’m sure it’ll sink in later!
bobdorfman: you know what, michael
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  Boy, am I fired up!
bobdorfman: we’re just two professionals, talking to each other
bobdorfman: so if it makes you feel more comfortable, you can drop the media-relations training language
AtOnePhelpsWhoop has gone suddenly cold and severe in manner, his boyish mouth now gray and contemptuous, his eyes now great empty Arctic deserts.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  VERY WELL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  SPEAK YOUR PIECE TO THE PHELPS AND BE DONE.
bobdorfman: michael, you are no doubt aware that you’ve become a global icon
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE PHELPS IS AWARE OF ALL THINGS, CRINGING MORTAL.
bobdorfman: um… yes
bobdorfman: so you know those commercials, where a guy is using a plain old normal razor, and then tiger woods uses a golf club to knock it out of his hands
bobdorfman: and roger federer takes his racquet and backhands him a gillette razor, like, whap
bobdorfman: what i’m trying to say is, you could be in that
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: ROGER FEDERER.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: WORLD NUMBER TWO ROGER FEDERER.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: NUMBER TWO.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: TIGER WOODS, THE MINCING CRIPPLE.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SUGGEST THAT I AM IN THEIR COMPANY.
bobdorfman: on page two we have the chunky soup deal
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: I HAVE REVIEWED YOUR SOUP PROPOSAL AS WELL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: CAMPBELLS CHUNKY SOUP.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE PREFERRED BURGOO OF SUPER BOWL LOSER DONOVAN MCNABB.
bobdorfman: well or you know um youve got the hanes thing, with michael jordan, cuba gooding jr
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: INDEED.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE WORLD IS ACHINGLY FAMILIAR WITH CUBA’S TIRESOME LUST FOR THE PAUNCHY EX-BULL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: AND EQUALLY FAMILIAR WITH THE LATTER’S INEXPLICABLE CO-HABITATION WITH ACTOR KEVIN BACON, WITH THEIR SHARED FONDNESS FOR SOFT FABRICS ON THEIR WRINKLING FADING SKIN.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SEEK TO MATCH ME WITH THESE SPUTTERING EX-MEN.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SEE FIT THUS TO MOCK THE PHELPS.
bobdorfman: let me just throw this out there
bobdorfman: your teeth, theyre not perfect
bobdorfman: we could get you a deal with literally your choice of dentist
AtOnePhelpsWhoop has just done four miles of butterfly.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: IN THE TIME YOU HAVE SPENT CLUMSILY PECKING AT YOUR KEYBOARD, I DID FOUR MILES OF BUTTERFLY.
bobdorfman: i know, it said that in the thing
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: SILENCE, APE.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOUR RACE AND ITS FEEBLE CHALLENGES HOLD NO FURTHER INTEREST FOR ME.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: MY CURRENT AD REPRESENTATIVE SHARES MY DESIRE TO CONQUER THE MEANINGFUL THREE QUARTERS OF THIS PLANET.
bobdorfman: huh
bobdolphin has entered the conference chat.
bobdolphin: reet reeek eeep reeeeetep
bobdorfman: i fucking knew you were gonna sign with the dolphin.
bobdorfman: fuck.
bobdorfman has left the conference chat.

bobdolphman: reeett reeeeeeetttt
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: OH MAN, I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT I COULD GET ON A BOX OF “WHEATIES”
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: I AM SO FIRED UP ABOUT THIS, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Tags: sports, marketing, olympics, the preferred burgoo of super bowl loser donovan mcnabb, tiger woods, roger federer, kevin bacon, swimming, michael phelps, dolphins, michael jordan, cuba gooding jr.

[Lin] Miaoke, a third grader, was judged cute and appealing but “not suitable” as a singer [to perform in the Olympics Opening Ceremony last week]. Another girl, Yang Peiyi, 7, was judged the best singer but not as cute.

So when Miaoke opened her mouth to sing, the voice that was actually heard was a recording of Peiyi[...] But not the face: photos of Peiyi posted online show a happy girl with imperfect teeth, hardly an uncommon problem in China.

“Everyone should understand this in this way,” Mr. Chen [Qigang, general music designer of the opening ceremonies] said. “This is in the national interest. It is the image of our national music, national culture, especially during the entrance of our national flag. This is an extremely important, extremely serious matter.”

He added, “I think it is fair to both Lin Miaoke and Yang Peiyi.”

On Monday, Peiyi appeared on China Central Television, or CCTV, the state network. “I’m O.K. with it,” she told her interviewer, even performing a song. “My voice was used in the performance. I think that’s enough.”

Surrounded by Mr. Chen, several members of the politburo, and an armed “honor guard”, Peiyi continued. “I am so happy to have been able to contribute something to the glory of China, despite my considerable physical wretchedness.  My only wish is that I could carve my voice out of my throat and give it to Lin Miaoke, who is so beautiful and would better use it to serve the national interest. She is like a fairy, and I am like an ugly, ugly troll. Which is why it is so lucky that I was able to be a part of China’s great Olympic ceremony at all. It is truly a fairy tale come true, except for at the end the troll (me) is still hideous.”

Asked about her plans for the future, little Peiyi smiled and said “to serve and honor China in any small invisible way where my countrymen and women do not have to look at me. Maybe a salt mine.  And even though it is silly, given my imperfect teeth, I would like to someday get married.  I only hope that I can find a husband who can tolerate such a wife.  If he hits me only occasionally, who will be able to blame him?”

Peiyi than smiled her ghastly smile and mercifully replaced the shroud that she wears in public in accordance with the national interest, and was escorted out. 

Tags: olympics, china, dentistry, snaggleteeth, yang peiyi, fairy tales where at the end the troll is still hideous, lin miaoke

Speaking in South Korea before he goes on to Beijing for the Olympics on Friday, Mr Bush said its pre-Olympics crackdown on dissent was “a mistake”.
...
“I have been meeting Chinese leaders for seven and a half years, and my message has been the same: you should not fear religious people in your society,” Mr Bush told reporters.

“As a matter of fact, religious people will make your society a better place. You ought to welcome people being able to express their minds.”
...
“This is an athletics event. But it’s also an opportunity to say to the Chinese people, we respect your traditions, we respect your history,” he said.

“The reason I’m going to the Olympics is twofold - one, to show my respect for the people of China, and two, to cheer on the US team.”

From South Korea Mr Bush goes to the Thai capital, Bangkok, where he is expected to address the issue of Burma. 

Draft speech for Bangkok, Thailand, August 8th 2008, written by and for US President, George W. Bush. Submitted to the Federal Government Speech-Writing Department for approval.

Mr Sundaravej, The government of Thailand and the Thai people, thank you for this opportunity to speak to you.

It is a momentous time for Asia. China is about to hold the Olympics, the economies are booming, kind of, and I am here. These are all good things.

But God is also punishing you with some really drunk weather and natural earthquakes. And God is also punishing the people of Burma. Mr Sunday-veg, your neighbor has a problem. It is not a free society. Not like your glorious democracy, previously headed by human rights expert Thaksin Shinawatra and now by yourself. Free societies are a good thing, like ours in the United States. Respect for human rights is also a good thing, as you all know. But they don’t know this in Burma.

They don’t know this in China either, where they should be more religious. They have recently had problems with Muslamic separatists, but they should love the Muslamic people, cherish them like we do in America. For Muslamic people are also people, and they know many things we don’t know. They, too, can express their minds. That’s why we’re so keen to find out what they know and what they don’t know. We can sell you information on water-boarding, for the right price.

But we respect China - it’s very big, I think - and we respect Thailand, because you’re not from Burma, I don’t think. However, we are going to WHIP YOUR ASSES in the Olympics! Oooooh yeah! We are going to SPANK YOU TILL YOU’RE SORE! GO AMERICA.

Thank you. God Bless. 

Response from Chief of Staff, Federal Government Speech-Writing Department to draft speech for President Bush, Bangkok, August 8th 2008.

Mr President,

Almost perfect. A few minor revisions necessary. My deputies will advise - I am on leave until January.

Tags: international relations, george w. bush, olympics, china, thailand, some really drunk weather, muslamic separatists, burma

Authorities in China’s troubled far-western region of Xinjiang are telling people who want to watch the Olympic torch as it passes through the area to stay at home and tune into the television instead.
...
“Considering that too many people will cause a lack of safety, we are recommending that everyone watches on the television from home,” the official Xinjiang Daily quoted the Communist Party boss of the region’s sports administration, Li Guangming, as saying.
...
“Do not shout slogans that damage the image of the nation or of the city,” the Urumqi Evening News said, outlining a long list of behaviour that was similarly banned, including not taking pets along to look at the spectacle or setting off fireworks.

Tues 06.17.08
FROM THE DESK OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF CHINA.
IN RE: OLYMPIC TORCH RELAY IN XINJIANG
ADDR: HONORABLE CITIZENS OF URUMQI

Most esteemed comrades:

Just a friendly reminder to enjoy this afternoon’s torch relay from the best seats in the house—your own! Ha ha ha ha!

WHILE VIEWING THE RELAY ON TELEVISION FROM INSIDE YOUR OWN HOME IT IS FORBIDDEN TO CONTEMPLATE OR DISCUSS THE FOLLOWING.

1) Slogans that damage the image of the nation or of the city
2) Subversive uses of fireworks
3) The origin of the many well-behaved and non-Muslim-looking citizens of Urumqi that are attending the relay
4) The possibility of training your pet to extinguish the torch with a single well-timed jet of its own urine
5) The extreme implausibility of the citizens of Urumqi being moved, upon first sighting the torch, spontaneously to burst into a perfectly tuned performance of “Turandot” with costumes and a full orchestra
6) The notion that surely the original intent of relaying the torch throughout China was to indicate national unity, and indeed bolster it by including all parts of China as witness to a moving, time-honored ritual celebrating the greatness and nobility of the human race
7) Also how come the attendees get to have all that delicious ice cream

We hope you enjoy the relay!

Your comrade,
Li Guangming
Boss, Xinjiang Sports Administration Council

P.S.  It is imperative that you not leave your house for the duration of the relay, lest you damage the facade that may or may not have been erected in front of your home.

Tags: politics, international relations, olympics, china, xinjiang, screamingly hollow gestures, urumqi, uighurs, turandot