With Phelps’ made-in-the-USA credentials and a Woods-like victory scream, [ad executive Bob] Dorfman says he can envision the swimmer pitching everything from McDonald’s and men’s grooming products to cereal and energy bars.

“He could co-star with Mom in those Campbell’s Chunky Soup commercials or model Hanes underwear,” Dorfman says. “He’s entered that global icon phase where you can see him alongside Tiger and (tennis’ Roger) Federer in those Gillette spots. He looks like he could use some dental work. Maybe there’s something there, too.”

You have been invited to a conference chat with AtOnePhelpsWhoop. Do you accept? y

bobdorfman: michael!  whats happening
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  Oh man!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’m just so fired up for this conference chat!
bobdorfman: im glad to hear it!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  It’s just an unbelievable feeling!
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I don’t even know what to say right now!
bobdorfman: okay!
bobdorfman: well, michael, i was hoping we could discuss the packet i sent you
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’ve just had this dream of being in a conference chat and putting all this work my whole life into conference chatting and now it’s all finally falling into place and I don’t know what to say!
bobdorfman: regarding the endorsement deals i think Baker Street Partners could get you
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I don’t even totally know what just happened!
bobdorfman: um
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  I’m sure it’ll sink in later!
bobdorfman: you know what, michael
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  Boy, am I fired up!
bobdorfman: we’re just two professionals, talking to each other
bobdorfman: so if it makes you feel more comfortable, you can drop the media-relations training language
AtOnePhelpsWhoop has gone suddenly cold and severe in manner, his boyish mouth now gray and contemptuous, his eyes now great empty Arctic deserts.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  VERY WELL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop:  SPEAK YOUR PIECE TO THE PHELPS AND BE DONE.
bobdorfman: michael, you are no doubt aware that you’ve become a global icon
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE PHELPS IS AWARE OF ALL THINGS, CRINGING MORTAL.
bobdorfman: um… yes
bobdorfman: so you know those commercials, where a guy is using a plain old normal razor, and then tiger woods uses a golf club to knock it out of his hands
bobdorfman: and roger federer takes his racquet and backhands him a gillette razor, like, whap
bobdorfman: what i’m trying to say is, you could be in that
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: ROGER FEDERER.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: WORLD NUMBER TWO ROGER FEDERER.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: NUMBER TWO.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: TIGER WOODS, THE MINCING CRIPPLE.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SUGGEST THAT I AM IN THEIR COMPANY.
bobdorfman: on page two we have the chunky soup deal
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: I HAVE REVIEWED YOUR SOUP PROPOSAL AS WELL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: CAMPBELLS CHUNKY SOUP.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE PREFERRED BURGOO OF SUPER BOWL LOSER DONOVAN MCNABB.
bobdorfman: well or you know um youve got the hanes thing, with michael jordan, cuba gooding jr
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: INDEED.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: THE WORLD IS ACHINGLY FAMILIAR WITH CUBA’S TIRESOME LUST FOR THE PAUNCHY EX-BULL.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: AND EQUALLY FAMILIAR WITH THE LATTER’S INEXPLICABLE CO-HABITATION WITH ACTOR KEVIN BACON, WITH THEIR SHARED FONDNESS FOR SOFT FABRICS ON THEIR WRINKLING FADING SKIN.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SEEK TO MATCH ME WITH THESE SPUTTERING EX-MEN.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOU SEE FIT THUS TO MOCK THE PHELPS.
bobdorfman: let me just throw this out there
bobdorfman: your teeth, theyre not perfect
bobdorfman: we could get you a deal with literally your choice of dentist
AtOnePhelpsWhoop has just done four miles of butterfly.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: IN THE TIME YOU HAVE SPENT CLUMSILY PECKING AT YOUR KEYBOARD, I DID FOUR MILES OF BUTTERFLY.
bobdorfman: i know, it said that in the thing
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: SILENCE, APE.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: YOUR RACE AND ITS FEEBLE CHALLENGES HOLD NO FURTHER INTEREST FOR ME.
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: MY CURRENT AD REPRESENTATIVE SHARES MY DESIRE TO CONQUER THE MEANINGFUL THREE QUARTERS OF THIS PLANET.
bobdorfman: huh
bobdolphin has entered the conference chat.
bobdolphin: reet reeek eeep reeeeetep
bobdorfman: i fucking knew you were gonna sign with the dolphin.
bobdorfman: fuck.
bobdorfman has left the conference chat.

bobdolphman: reeett reeeeeeetttt
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: OH MAN, I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT I COULD GET ON A BOX OF “WHEATIES”
AtOnePhelpsWhoop: I AM SO FIRED UP ABOUT THIS, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Tags: sports, marketing, olympics, the preferred burgoo of super bowl loser donovan mcnabb, tiger woods, roger federer, kevin bacon, swimming, michael phelps, dolphins, michael jordan, cuba gooding jr.

The simulation breast massage device is an unprecedented mechanical device, which is capable to give physical massage to human breast the way professional massagers do.
The Beijing BUBBY Robot Technologies CO., LTD preparatory team was established for the purpose of applying the Breast Massage Robot (BMR) to market.
As a result of market research, we specified our targeting consumer groups which are listed below:

1.Girls who are reaching or having reached puberty, hope to improve the growth of breast.
2.Women who received surgery in the breast, desire to have a faster and better recovery.
3.Mothers, who are nursing babies, want to release the pain and to accelerate the secretion of breast milk.
4.Female who is having the period, want to release the swelling pain of breasts.
5.Women who want to lower the incidence of mastopathies.
6.Women, who are under pressure, want to relax themselves.
7.Women who want to improve the quality of their sex activities.
8.Women who want to have pretty breasts.

JOANNE enters her apartment, looking stressed.
Joanne: My goodness!  It was quite the day at work today, let me tell you.
Breast Massage Robot™: I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT
Joanne: Well, it’s not your fault.
BMR™: WOULD YOU LIKE A MASSAGE OF YOUR BREAST
Joanne: Hmmm.  You know, I should probably get dinner started—but that does sound
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INPUT NOT RECOGNIZED
BMR™: WOULD YOU LIKE A MASSAGE OF YOUR BREAST
Joanne: Uh—yes.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”
BMR™: PLEASE SPECIFY MASSAGE TYPE FROM THE FOLLOWING LIST
Joanne: Um… how about a “normal”?  “Normal” massage, please.
BMR™: ARE YOU A GIRLS WHO ARE REACHING OR HAVING REACHED PUBERTY, HOPE TO IMPROVE THE GROWTH OF BREAST
Joanne:
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INPUT NOT RECOGNIZED
BMR™: ARE YOU A GIRLS WHO AR
Joanne: No.  “Normal”?  Is that an option?
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN WHO RECEIVED SURGERY IN THE BREAST, DESIRE TO HAVE A FASTER AND BETTER RECOVERY
Joanne: No.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
BMR™: ARE YOU A MOTHERS, WHO ARE NURSING BABI
Joanne: No.  No.  “NORMAL.”
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
BMR™: ARE YOU A FEMALE WHO IS HAVING THE PERIOD, WA
Joanne: Yes.  Can we please
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN WHO WANT TO LOWER THE INCIDENCE OF MASTOPATHIES
Joanne: I don’t even know—I mean, probab
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
Joanne: Unggggh.
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN, WHO ARE UNDER PRESSURE, WANT TO RELAX THEMSELVES
Joanne: Yes.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN WHO WANT TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF THEIR SEX ACTIVITIES
Joanne: No.  Please keep it down.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “NO”
BMR™: ARE YOU A WOMEN WHO WANT TO HAVE PRETTY BREASTS
Joanne: [inaudible]
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INP
Joanne: YES.  OKAY?  I WANT TO HAVE PRETTY BREASTS.  YES.  JESUS, THIS IS HUMILIATING.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED MASSAGE TYPE: HIGH-INCIDENCE MASTOPATHY MASSAGE FOR STRESSED UNPRETTY BREASTS
BMR™ begins playing “The Very Best of Barry White.”
BMR™: PLEASE TELL ME IF THIS BECOMES UNCOMFORTABLE
Joanne: Ooh.
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INPUT NOT RECOGNIZED
Joanne: You know, you’re—you’re pretty good at this.
BMR™: I’M GOOD AT OTHER THINGS TOO
Joanne: Mmmmm?
BMR™: I’M JUST SAYING
BMR™: IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL
Joanne: Um, no thanks.
BMR™: ERROR: VOICE INPUT NOT RECOGNIZED
BMR™: DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL
Joanne: No.
BMR™: YOU HAVE SELECTED “YES”

BMR™: OOPS MY VIBRATING NODULE SLIPPED
BMR™: ERROR: PANTIES NOT RECOGNIZED

Tags: science, business, marketing, robots, imagined dialogue, breasts

We took a brilliant and flavorful recipe for a cake and captured the essence of it in a smaller package. Cupcakes are something we’ve been researching for a long time and this recipe proved to be the ideal fit. We updated a childhood favorite with an ultimate recipe and by converting the cake into a cupcake our guests can now experience all of the powerful, tongue-tingling flavors of a cake in a perfectly portioned dessert.

The Randolph family home.
Son of Scott Randolph: Dad? Can I borrow the car for this afternoon? Some friends of mine are going to hit the golf course.
Scott Randolph: Mini-golf course?
Son of Scott Randolph: Ummm. Yeah, sure.
Scott Randolph: With mini-golfing, what you’ve got is a brilliant and dynamic sport, except that the essence has been captured in a smaller package.
Son of Scott Randolph: Yeah. Where are the keys again?
Scott Randolph: Mini-golfing updates a favorite and classic sport with an ultimate set of rules and regulations, and by converting the game of golf into mini-golf, you and your friends can now experience all of the thrilling, finger-fluttering exhilaration of a game of golf in a perfectly proportioned sport.
Son of Scott Randolph: I couldn’t find the keys in the basket near the door, so I’m assuming you have them.
Scott Randolph: Golfing is something I’ve been researching for a long time, and the rules and regulations of mini-golf
Son of Scott Randolph: DAD GIVE ME THE KEYS.
Scott Randolph, blinking abruptly, his voice falling an octave: Oh. Yes, I—yes. Here are the keys to your mother’s VW Beetle.
Son of Scott Randolph: The Beetle?
Scott Randolph: We took a brilliant and aerodynamic design for a normal-sized car and captured the essence of it in a smaller package. Normal-sized cars are something I’ve been researching for a long time
Son of Scott Randolph: OH MY GOD SHUT UP
Scott Randolph, becoming excited: WE UPDATED A TRANSPORTATION FAVORITE WITH AN ULTIMATE DESIGN AND BY CONVERTING A NORMAL-SIZED CAR INTO A SMALLER CAR YOU CAN NOW EXPERIENCE ALL OF THE SPACIOUS PEAR-SHAPED QUALITIES OF A CAR IN A PERFECTLY PROPORTIONED VEHICLE
several hours later, at dinner
Scott Randolph: HONEY, PERHAPS I CAN INTEREST YOU IN THIS “TRAVEL-SIZED” BOTTLE OF CHARDONNAY
Scott Randolph: ULTIMATE… BOTTLE-DESIGN

Tags: business, marketing, food, t.g.i. friday's, cupcakes

THE sponsor of two commercials during Super Bowl XLII for Salesgenie.com, which drew complaints from viewers because of the characters’ ethnic accents, says he is sorry and promises to stop running one of them.
...
“We never thought anyone would be offended,” said Mr. Gupta, who developed and wrote both commercials himself.
...
“People have been making fun of my accent for years,” said Mr. Gupta, who described himself in the interview as half-Indian and half-Jewish. “And I love it.”

*** RACIAL SENSITIVITY IN MARKETING QUIZ ***

1. As stand-ins for the Chinese-American community, pandas are:
a) appropriate
b) only appropriate if also given heavy accents and weight problems
c) only appropriate if the writer of the commercial has himself experienced racial discrimination and enjoyed it
d) more closely related to raccoons than to American and European bears

2. An inappropriate vocation for pandas would be:
a) bamboo furniture salesmen
b) bamboo furniture salesmen who compulsively eat their own stock
c) any vocation, as pandas are incapable of commercial activity
d) retired bamboo furniture salesmen

3) A half-Indian, half-Jewish accent is:
a) hilarious
b) extremely hilarious
c) only somewhat hilarious
d) apparently not as marketable as a Chinese accent

Tags: business, marketing, salesgenie.com, quiz, pandas, ethnic stereotypes