A mystery buzzing noise is driving people mad on a Sudbury estate.

Residents of the Springlands area are demanding to know what is creating the torturous sound dominating their lives – and for someone to switch it off.
...
“It sounds just like a stereo speaker with the volume turned up but no music playing – and it’s relentless,” [said Bradley Smith, Sudbury’s community warden].

In other news, God has finally gotten around to reading White Noise, the 1985 postmodernist classic by Don DeLillo.

“It was better than I thought it was going to be,” admitted Yahweh, clutching a dog-eared copy of the National Book Award–winning novel, in which an ‘airborne toxic event’ serves as a stand-in for the constant barrage of media to which the modern Western individual is subject.  He went on to criticize the dialogue as “stilted” but ratified the portrayal of contemporary consumer-driven life, an abyss in which the semiotics of human affairs are distorted and drained of meaning, leaving only a kind of ‘white noise’ in their wake.

The next book on His list is alleged to be Infinite Jest, the 1100-page David Foster Wallace magnum opus in which a futuristic world suffers the advent of a film so entertaining that it instantly reduces anyone catching a glimpse of it to a salivating braindead shell of themselves.

Informed of the plot of Infinite Jest, Sudbury community warden Bradley Smith said simply, “Bollocks.”

Tags: science, britain, god, literature, sudbury, infinite jest, buzzing, david foster wallace, white noise, don delillo

Delving into a 3,000-year-old mystery using astronomical clues in Homer’s “The Odyssey,” researchers said Monday they have dated one of the most heralded events of Western literature: Odysseus’ slaughter of his wife’s suitors upon his return from the Trojan War...According to the study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, [the slaughter occurred] on April 16, 1178 BC.

This follows closely on the heels of last month’s discovery near Mt. Etna, Sicily, of stone tablets that seem to conclusively date another of Odysseus’ most famous exploits—the deception and blinding of Polyphemus, the Cyclops.  A translated excerpt from one of the tablets follows:

March 23, 1168 BC.

Dear Diary,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!

Me fucking blinded!!!!!!!

Yours,
Polyphemus

Tags: literature, greece, polyphemus, classics, eyeball stabbing, the odyssey, history

When going for a hug, make it clear what you were doing. You don’t want to catch the huggee off guard. Start by spreading your hands wide, with your right hand about 20 centimeters higher than the left. Lean back ever so slightly—this is a non-threatening stance making it clear you are not about to attack. Tilt your head to the left. This lets your huggee know where you’re going, so they can do the opposite. Otherwise there may be an embarrassing collision.

How to Recover From a Rebuffed Attempt to Cite Thomas Pynchon as Your Favorite Author.

A man and woman talking over coffee.
Narrator: Today’s modern individual loves to read.
Man and woman pull books out of purses, share looks of astonishment and delight.
Narrator: Books have developed from a niche industry to one of popular culture that every semi-educated homunculus knows something about.
Man and woman browsing in a bookstore.
Narrator: Reading can show your sensitive, intellectual side, and a unique bookshelf, like a unique iTunes playlist, can be the sign of a unique individual.
Return to café. Man and woman both have books out.
Narrator: Now that you’ve seen Video Jug’s Introductory Phonics and Video Jug’s Basic Reading videos, you’re prepared to have reading interests and share those with friends and family, but you should be careful which books you choose to share.
Man points to copy of Gravity’s Rainbow while woman holds copy of The Kite Runner. Woman’s look turns sour. Man’s look: confused.
Narrator: Easy there, boy. Save the heavy hitters for later on. If you’re going to get Pynchonian…
Man pulls out Vineland.
Narrator: …then start with one of his shorter works, or Vineland, which is more easily readable for anyone born in the 80s.
Woman’s look is now one of abiding interest.
Narrator: But even then you should be prepared for a rebuff.
Woman is disdainful. Man turns to camera in shock and fear. In the background, an explosion, then shouts of distress.
Narrator: In the case of a Pynchon rebuff, your first response should immediately be Harry Potter.
Man heaves 1400-page book out from under table. Woman’s face now bears a sly smile.
Narrator: The universal appeal of J.K. Rowling’s teenage wizard can quell the literary confusion in almost any individual. Mention that you liked the third movie best…
Man mouths “Prisoner of Azkaban.”
Narrator: …but don’t forget to add that you preferred the original Dumbledore.
Man mouths “Richard Harris.”
Woman is now several different women.  All of them are writhing around sultrily and wearing Dumbledore hats.  One is wearing only a Dumbledore hat.
Narrator: Another option is to keep a copy of Haruki Murakami’s The Elephant Vanishes on hand, as it’s light, unisex, international, and very difficult to hate.
Woman is holding up a sign. It reads, “I Am Nonplussed.”
Narrator: Now you’ve recovered from a rebuffed Pynchon citation. Done.

Tags: literature, writhing around sultrily while wearing dumbledore hat, j.k. rowling, thomas pynchon, haruki murakami, self-help, harry potter