On Tuesday, a federal appeals court panel in Washington upheld a lower court ruling that said the government discriminated against the blind or partly blind by making its paper money all the same size and texture.

To: YHWH, Lord God the Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, of All Things
  Seen and Unseen, &c.

Fr:  Marty Friedman, Senior Partner; Friedman, Gonzalez, and Friedman

Our Father,

Hey Big Guy. How’s things?  We’re good down here, I’m good. Oh, and Evelyn asked me to relay how pretty the sunset was last Saturday from the PCH at Duma.  Nice work, Sir.

So, Chief, let me cut to the chase: I’m sure you are aware of the recent ruling regarding discrimination against the blind.  Let me be blunt, sir—this is not good news for us.  Right now the lawsuit just stands against the U.S. government for not varying the size and texture of paper money, but I think You and I both know where this thing is headed. It’s only a matter of time before the blind realize that there’s much bigger fish to fry—if the U.S. government can be held responsible for making uniform paper money, how about the guy who made these people be blind in the first place?

You see the problem.

And of course, once the blind sue us, that sound you hear is the proverbial floodgates opening wide up, Sir.  The crippled, the handicapped, the lisping, the incontinent, people who collect Hummels, the list just goes on and on.

I’ve been thinking about possible defense strategies, and the old ones aren’t looking great, Lord.  We’ve had some success with the Satan defense in the past, but that’s pretty well played out—your omnipotence is fairly well-established at this point.  The problem with omnipotence is that it’s hard to pass the buck, Sir.

Which brings us to your assets—since you own everything in the universe, you make a pretty desirable target, litigationwise.  And it’s hard to hide the universe in offshore accounts.

(I don’t want to say I told you so, but we wouldn’t be in this position if You hadn’t smote so many of the polytheists.  Back in the day, people would be pissed at Zeus or Quetzalcoatl or whoever.  We had some wiggle room. But now...)

So, options: I think we have a couple.  I would of course never counsel the utter destruction of the earth, on the record, but I would be remiss as your attorney if I didn’t remind you how effective the Noah Option was last time.  I’ve got a boat at the ready, is all I’m saying.

Barring that, I would recommend lying low for awhile.  I remember You mentioning how lovely the Andromeda Cluster is this time of aeon...so that’s a possibility, right?  If they can’t find You, they can’t serve You a subpoena, Sir.  That is also off the record.

To be blunt, Lord, it’s times like this I wish I hadn’t promised to be Your lawyer for all eternity, but there you go.  I guess we’re in this together.

I’d love to get Your thoughts on this, and Evelyn sends her love,

May You have mercy on my soul,
Amen,

Marty

Tags: god, law, government, the noah option, tort reform, blind people

Huff’s dog didn’t escape mention in the lawsuit either. The lawsuit continued, “Such motives are also evidenced by the fact that after plaintiffs complained about the [second-hand] smoke, defendant encouraged her dog to urinate on plaintiffs’ property and in front of their doorway.”

When asked whether it’s true that her dog urinated on her neighbor’s property, Huff said, “I never saw that, but maybe. I don’t know.” The dog had no comment. 

No comment, Mr. Reporter Man?  I guess that means you weren’t able to translate that little message I left in your shoe.

MWAHAHAHA.  BWAHAHA-HACK. hurnk.

Hhorrk.

Tags: puppy abuse, crime, dogs, lawsuits, law