The difficulties the French have in pronouncing the letter ‘h’ landed the country’s foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner, in hot water.

Israeli media quoted the minister as saying Israel ‘will eat’ Iran if the Islamic Republic gained possession of nuclear weapons, prompting Kouchner’s office to issue a statement of clarification on Sunday.

Kouchner wanted to say in an interview given in English that Israel would ‘hit’ Iran if it developed nuclear weapons.

[from the Official Instruction Manual for French Foreign Ministers, 2nd English edition, Page 342]

IV. Public Statements to Foreign Newspapers

  A) Always make your remarks in English, so as to prevent any confusion with the foreign press’s translation.
  B) If at all possible, do not use words starting with the letter “h.”
    i. Additionally, avoid using any of the following words:
      a) bit
      b) hate
      c) think
      d) crepe
      e) sheet
      f) pommes frites
  C) Foreign Office employees are no longer permitted to hold “Pink Panther” marathons in the office during work hours.

Tags: international relations, france, israel, iran, hungry jews, comical misunderstandings, inspector clouseau

“Surveys showed a majority of Israelis supported the deal [to exchange 5 jailed Lebanese militants, including a notorious killer, in return for the remains of the two Israel soldiers whose initial capture sparked the war between Israel and Hezbollah two summers ago. The deal] upheld an unwritten pact between the country’s leaders and the public: Israelis send their sons and daughters to mandatory military service, ready to go to war; leaders do everything possible to bring them home, dead or alive, from battle.

‘This closes a circle for me,’ said Ira Ben-Giat, whose son died [during the] war against Hezbollah [...] ‘I was waiting for a justification to have sacrificed my son, waiting for these two boys to return home.  Today gives me this reason, and a reason to send my other two children to the army.’”

The reason being that, if Ben-Giat’s other children happen to be captured by Hezbollah, they can first be used as justification for a disastrous war, like the one Ben-Giat’s first son died in, and later their dead bodies can be used by Hezbollah as bargaining chips to secure the freedom of criminals and killers.

“Well, it looks stupid when you write it down,” stated Ben-Giat. “That’s why it’s an unwritten pact.”

No official word yet on whether Israeli leaders will move forward with a plan to trade to Hezbollah a nuclear reactor and two F-18s in exchange for a wheelbarrow, the complete collection of Lebanon’s Funniest Home Videos on DVD, an original pressing ABBA record, and half a pack of Marlboros.

Tags: war, israel, international affairs, unwritten pact, hezbollah, lebanon’s funniest home videos

[President] Bush also attended with Israeli President Shimon Peres and Prime Minister Ehud Olmert an evening gala related to Israel’s 60th anniversary.

Olmert...embraced Bush at the event, telling him, “You are an unusual person. You are an unusual leader.  And you are an unusual friend of the people of Israel.”

Holding President Bush close in a burly Judeo-Christian man-hug, Olmert continued: “Also, you are an unusual connoisseur of fine ginger ales, which most people do not know about you but I think is really great.  You are an unusual choice for a Trivial Pursuit teammate.  You are unusually good at inventing cruel nicknames to remind ‘friends’ of their subordinate status—‘Shit-mon Per-ass,’ hahaha, that was great, I am really going to keep using that.  Earlier in the men’s room, I noticed that you have an unusually descended left testicle; is this the reason for your comical swagger? When you nap, you begin to suck on your lips like an innocent baby, and your Secret Service men are able to put an unusually hilarious array of tchotchkes in front of your mouth and boy do you suck right onto them as if they were Barbara Bush’s tsitskeh! Even after all these years, you have an unusually hard time keeping straight which of us are the Jews and which the Arabs, even after I taught you the handy rule ‘if he has silly facial hair, he is probably an Arab.’ And lastly, you bear an unusually striking resemblance to a spritely marmot named Ting-Ling that featured prominently in the recurring night-terrors of my youth.”

Moving his shoulders up and down briskly, Bush responded, “Thanks, Prime Minister Oldfart.” He added: “Heh heh heh.”

Tags: international relations, george w. bush, israel, a spritely marmot named ting-ling, ehud olmert