“Afghanistan is not Iraq,” said Ali A. Jalali, a former Afghan interior minister, who projects that it will take 10 years to establish stability in the country. “It is the theme park of problems.”

He went on to clarify: “Iraq is more like the all-you-can-eat buffet of problems.  Sudan, conversely, is a charming SoHo art gallery, except that instead of artwork it features problems.  Somalia, it is a well-compiled Greatest Hits album by the Danish electronica ensemble Problems.  Myanmar is the H.M.S. Problem, helmed by Admiral MacQuandary, marooned on the reefs surrounding Obstacle Island, taking on water at the rate of twelve difficulties per predicament.”

Jalali paused, then ruminated: “And Liechtenstein is just a hellhole.”

Tags: international relations, iraq, afghanistan, theme parks, difficulties per predicament, liechtenstein, problems, the danish electronica ensemble problems

The U.S. military has barred Iraqi interpreters working with American troops in Baghdad from wearing ski masks to disguise themselves, prompting some to resign and others to bare their faces even though they fear it could get them killed.
...
“We are a professional Army and professional units don’t conceal their identity by wearing masks,” Lt. Col. Steve Stover, a spokesman for the U.S. military, wrote in an e-mail. He expressed appreciation for the service and sacrifice of the interpreters but said those dissatisfied with the new policy “can seek alternative employment.”

“It pains me to have to re-emphasize this rule so many times,” the email continued. “The lack of professionalism among the applicants for our specialized divisions is appalling—just last week I had what I can only describe as a ‘colorful’ group of recruits who claimed to have special skills that could ‘save the world,’ as they put it.  I don’t care if you can swing from tall buildings, I told them, you’ll have to take off those masks. 

“And that wasn’t the only problem.  Now, I know the military has a policy on this, but come on: when guys are wearing their underwear outside of tights, you don’t have to ask to be able to tell.”

Tags: iraq, military, heroes, masked men, army intelligence, interpreters

The Bush Administration [...] has resisted specific time tables [...] Yet the administration appears for the first time to be prepared to contemplate an end to the U.S. military presence in Iraq. (President Bush still avers the term “time table”, opting for “time horizon”.)

To: Turd Blossom
From: Me.  The President.  George W. Bush. President Bush
Re: Other Stuff We Could Call It

Karl,
Been thinkin like you said about what else we could call time tables now that were gonna propose one. That is smart.  Weve been criticizing time tables so now if we proposed one weed look week.  So we change the name.  I like that.  Its a neat plan.

Anyways, I thought a some good ones. Any of these you like the best is fine with me they are all really good:

Time Fortress
Time Freedom
Time Family
Time Cannon (BOOM!  BOOM! Time Cannon!)
Time Ranger
Time Star Wars
Time Warrior
Time Angel (I thought Time Jesus, but this way we get Jews too! Do Muslims believe in angels?  Don’t know. Find out. Probably.  Scary angels.  That wood be a heck of a movie “Scary Muslim Angels”. Like on motorcycles or something? With those curved swords and they’re yelling like “YEE YEE YEE YEE!” and waving the swords? I love that movie).
Time Millionare
Time Speed
Time NASCAR
Time Superheroes
Time Sports
Time Barbecue Ribs
Time Explosion
Time Destiny (also, how pretty would that be for a girl’s name?  Im gonna call Jenna and Barbara and see if one of ems knocked up yet. Time Destiny Bush. That’s real pretty)
Time World War II
Time Mother’s Day
Time Waterfall
Time Horizon (This ones boring guess who picked it?  Yep. That’s what I get for asking the old man’s advice but mom said. No wonder his presidency was so much more boringer than mine)
Time Doo-doo (HA HA! Just seein if your payin attention!  I gotta go take a leek)

Signed,
President Bush

P.s. Time Leek!

Tags: politics, george w. bush, iraq, science-fiction-type words that sound awesome, euphemisms, karl rove, time horizon

The Marine Corps on Wednesday said it was expelling one Marine and disciplining another for their roles in a video showing a Marine throwing a puppy off a cliff while on patrol in Iraq…

‘The actions seen in the Internet video are contrary to the high standards we expect of every Marine and will not be tolerated,’ Marine Corps Base Hawaii said in a news release.

“We have no idea how this happened,” continued the release.  “After even a cursory analysis of th[e] video, it is obvious that the abused puppy in question was a Sunni puppy, and the Sunni, after being downgraded from terrorists to insurgents, are now our allies.  And every Marine worth his salt should be able to tell the difference between an innocent Sunni puppy and a bloodthirsty Islamofascist werecub.

“Furthermore, Lance Cpl. Motari and Sgt. Encarnacion should have known better than to throw that puppy over the cliff themselves, let alone film it.  As every Marine knows, this ruins deniability.  That puppy should have been extraordinarily renditioned to an undisclosed location where it could have been dressed in cat clothes and made to defile its most sacred canine beliefs before finally being thrown over a cliff by an anonymous third-party.

“It’s just bizarre that the Marines in question could have acted so poorly.  It’s almost as if training men and women to be killing machines, making them serve for unprecedented tours of duty under mentally, physically, and spiritually crushing circumstances and at the same time relaxing the standards of enlistment and time of training so that increasingly mentally and socially unfit individuals can make it to the front lines as fast as possible with minimal training is having some sort of adverse effect on the performance of our troops.”

The press release paused, then shook its head.

“Nah, this has nothing to do with that.  The blame lies squarely and solely on the shoulders of these two soldiers alone, who we strongly suspect are actually communists.”

Tags: iraq, terrorism, military, war, puppy abuse

President Bush has admitted to The Times that his gun-slinging rhetoric made the world believe that he was a “guy really anxious for war” in Iraq. He said that his aim now was to leave his successor a legacy of international diplomacy for tackling Iran.

In an exclusive interview, he expressed regret at the bitter divisions over the war and said that he was troubled about how his country had been misunderstood. “I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric.”

Phrases such as “bring them on” or “dead or alive”, he said, “indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace”. He said that he found it very painful “to put youngsters in harm’s way”.
...
“I’ve campaigned for change ever since I ran for office,” he noted, “except for 2004. Then I wasn’t for change.”

Man: Hi honey, I’m home!
Woman: Hello, dear. How did it go? You look as white as a sheet!
Man: Yes.
Woman: What happened?!
Man: It’s over.
Woman: What’s over? Darling, what’s going on?
Man: News.
Woman: Yes, what’s news? Did you get to interview him? What did he say that was newsworthy?
Man: News is over.
Woman: Sorry, dear, I don’t get it. Come and have a nice sit down.
Man: Yes.
Woman: So what’s up?
Man: My job is pointless.
Woman: You’ve just interviewed the President! How can your job be pointless? What did he say?
Man: Are you ready?
Woman: Of course!
Man: He said he thought the public view of him as a non-peaceful man was wrong. He said that he’s never been anxious for war.
Woman: But didn’t he once describe himself as a ‘war president?’
Man: What he actually said, in February 2004, was “I’m a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign policy matters with war on my mind.”
Woman: Oh.
Man: Yes.
Woman: Well then.
Man: Indeed.
Woman: So did you point this out to your readers in your piece?
Man: No. I wasn’t allowed to.
Woman: Oh.
Man: Yes.
Woman: Why not?
Man: Well, the boss brought up the example of that Monty Python sketch. You know, the one where someone discovers the funniest joke ever, and everyone who hears it instantly dies laughing. He said that, on a similar basis, if we were to analyse Bush’s comments, even a little bit, our circulation would instantly drop to zero.
Woman: Did he really say that?
Man: No. We signed a pre-interview contract preventing us from pointing out any of his - uh, how was it described? - ah yes, ‘massively hypocritical contradictions’.
Woman: Did the contract actually say that?
Man: Unfortunately yes.
Woman: So what are you going to do now, honey?
Man: Become a bus driver.
Woman: Probably a good idea.
Man: Yeah.
Woman: Cup of tea?
Man: Thank you.

Tags: politics, international relations, george w. bush, iraq, massively hypocritical contradictions

Q ...Have you been briefed on tomorrow’s GDP numbers, and are you concerned—

THE PRESIDENT: No, I haven’t been.

Q Okay—and are you concerned that they will show us to officially be in a recession?

THE PRESIDENT: I think they’ll show that we’re—it’s a very slow economy. I can’t guess what the number will be, and I haven’t been shown, truly.

God, appearing suddenly, over the rows of reporters, in a cloudburst visible only to the president: George!  The number is 42! It’s 42.

President Bush:

God, waving arms: Helloooooo.  George it’s 42.  George!

President Bush, repeating himself for emphasis, staring resolutely into the distance: I can’t guess what the number is.

God: George George George.  It’s on this sign!  Look, I’m showing you this sign.  42.  Look look look at what I’m showing you.  George.

President Bush: And I haven’t been shown.

God:

President Bush: Truly.

God:

President Bush:

God: I guess my credibility is a little bit tarnished since the whole Iraq thing.

Tags: politics, religion, george w. bush, iraq, god, 42

Many Iraqi politicians are closely monitoring the American presidential race, and some said the visit bolstered their belief that if Mr. McCain, of Arizona, succeeded President Bush in the November election, the American military would have a large presence in Iraq for a very long time.
...
Mrs. Clinton’s advisers said she would also take on Mr. McCain for a recent comment in which he said American troops could be in the country for 100 years.

Mr. McCain has defended that comment, made at a town hall meeting earlier this year in New Hampshire, arguing that he did not mean they would still be fighting but simply maintaining a presence in the region.

You have been invited to a conference chat with Raising_McCain. Do you accept? y
Raising_McCain: HILARY
Raising_McCain: HOWS TEH CAMPAIGN
thatshillaryous1026: its going well
Raising_McCain: THATS NICE
Raising_McCain: LETS STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH
thatshillaryous1026: lol
thatshillaryous1026: and lets start just beating bush!!!!
thatshillaryous1026: ;)
thatshillaryous1026: like president bush
Raising_McCain: UM, SURE
thatshillaryous1026: lol…
Raising_McCain: ...
Raising_McCain: YOUR ADVISERS NEED TO STOP TALKING TRASH
thatshillaryous1026: whats that supposed 2 mean
Raising_McCain: THE “100 YEARS” THING
Raising_McCain: AMERICAN TROOPS, IRAQ, 100 YEARS, BLAH BLAH
thatshillaryous1026: oh that
Raising_McCain: THE POINT IS:
Raising_McCain: THERES A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FIGHTING AND MAINTAINING A PRESENCE
Raising_McCain: LIKE THE TROOPS COULD BE IN IRAQ JUST SORT OF HELPING OUT
thatshillaryous1026: umm
Raising_McCain: YOU KNOW
Raising_McCain: LIKE LEGISLATING CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM FOR IRAQIS
Raising_McCain: ADVOCATING STATES RIGHTS ON CONTROVERSIAL SOCIAL ISSUES
thatshillaryous1026: that really doesnt sound like our troops
thatshillaryous1026: theyre better @ shooting stuff
thatshillaryous1026: actully that sounds more like u!!! rotfl
Raising_McCain: SETTING UP A REALLY GOOD BARBEQUE SHACK
Raising_McCain: LIKE, REALLY GOOD
thatshillaryous1026: waaaaait a minute
thatshillaryous1026: omg
thatshillaryous1026: john u totally r going 2 move 2 iraq!!
Raising_McCain: WHAT
thatshillaryous1026: like for good!!
Raising_McCain: NO
thatshillaryous1026: it all makes sense!!!
Raising_McCain: I AM DEFINATELY NOT PLANNING A COUP WITH THE AID OF HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF LOYAL AMERICAN TROOPS
Raising_McCain: IF THATS WHAT YOURE SUGGESTING
thatshillaryous1026: its “definitely”
Raising_McCain: WHATEVER
thatshillaryous1026: didnt u even buy a house there???
Raising_McCain: ITS A VACATION HOME
thatshillaryous1026: its in like downtown baghdad
Raising_McCain: THE WARM CLIMATE SUSTAINS MY SCALY ECTOTHERMIC BODY
thatshillaryous1026: ...
thatshillaryous1026: dick cheney are u sitting behind john right now telling him what 2 type
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
thatshillaryous1026: stop typing swears
Raising_McCain: POOOOOPP
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
Raising_McCain: I HAVE TO GO LEGISTLATE SOMETHING OKAY BYE
Raising_McCain has left the conference chat.
thatshillaryous1026: john please dont go
thatshillaryous1026: ur…
thatshillaryous1026: ur my only freind

thatshillaryous1026: barack still wont play teh appropriations bill drinking game with me

Tags: politics, john mccain, george w. bush, conference chat, hillary clinton, iraq, war, a really good barbeque shack

The military is investigating a “shocking and deplorable” YouTube video that seems to show a Marine throwing a puppy off a rocky cliff.
The black-and-white puppy makes a yelping sound as it flies through the air.
...
“Certainly, there’s a lot of outrage, and a lot of people are upset about it...” [a Marine Corps spokesman] said. “We hope that it turns out not to be what it looks like.”

Marine Corps Spokesman: So let’s just clear the air a bit, men: currently our stated position on the puppy incident is—let me get this right—"We hope that it turns out not to be what it looks like.”
Alleged Puppy-Abusing Marine #1: Yes sir.
MCS: Because it looks like you filmed yourselves throwing a puppy off a cliff.
Alleged Puppy-Abusing Marine #2: YES SIR.
MCS: An awfully cute little puppy.
APAM1: Yes sir.
MCS: To its cute little puppy death.
APAM1: Yes sir.
APAM2: THAT’S RIGHT, SIR.
MCS: Please tell me that was something different somehow.
APAM1:
APAM2:
MCS:
APAM1: Yes sir.  That was an insurgent puppy, sir.
MCS:
APAM1: It seemed to be reporting our position to the insurgency, sir.
APAM2: OVER A LITTLE PINK HEADSET SHAPED LIKE A PAW PRINT—
MCS:
APAM2: THAT SAID “IAMS” ON IT.  SIR.
MCS: Goddammit, soldier.  That ain’t gonna fly and you know it.
APAM1: Well, it was also sick.
APAM2: IT WAS A SICK PUPPY AND WE WERE EUTHANIZING IT, SIR.
APAM1: In the most awesome way we could think of.
MCS: Keep talking.
APAM2: ALSO, HIS HAND SLIPPED. SO IT WAS ACCIDENTAL BUT ALSO ON PURPOSE.
MCS:
APAM1: All right: when I said, “I’m gonna throw this dang puppy off a cliff,” that was a typo.
MCS: Typo.
APAM2: SPOKEN TYPO, SIR.
MCS: I’m not—I’m not too sure how the whole Internet works—
APAM1: That ain’t us on the video, anyhow.
MCS: Oh no?
APAM2: THOSE ARE IRAQIS, SIR.
APAM1: Puppy abuse is all in their culture and whatnot.
MCS, brightening: Is that a fact?
APAM1: Oh yeah, it’s in the Qur’an. Yeah, those were some Shiite extremists in Marine outfits with, uh… with carefully honed American accents, sir. They’ll stop at nothing!
MCS: Those sons of ...!
APAM2: YES SIR.  IT’S A TOUGH FIGHT AGAINST PUPPY-ABUSING TERRORISTS.
MCS: By God, it is, ain’t it.
APAM1: Yes sir.
MCS: Well, I think we’ve covered what we had to cover.  I appreciate your time, soldiers.
APAM1: Thank you sir.  We have to run—buddy of ours is pinned down a mile outside Fallujah.
MCS: That right?
APAM2: IT’S A NEST OF QAEDA-SYMPATHIZING BUNNY RABBITS, LOOKS LIKE.
MCS: You give ‘em hell.

Tags: iraq, terrorism, military, war, puppy abuse