Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has paid a fulsome though bizarre tribute to US President-elect Barack Obama on Thursday, describing him as “young, handsome and even suntanned”. 

Echoes persist of Berlusconi’s congratulations to German chancellor Angela Merkel upon her election in 2005, when he praised her as “young, handsome and possessing a most peculiar inverted penis”.

Tags: politics, barack obama, international relations, inverted penis, angela merkel, gaffes, silvio berlusconi

Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden is writing a new book, ‘Nidal’, as a response to “negative propaganda and insufficient information” about the terrorism network, citing unnamed Pakistani sources.

excerpt, Nidal, p. 823.

Myths and Facts about Al-Qaeda (contd.)

Myth: Al-Qaeda is primarily a terrorism network.
Fact: Western propagandists have consistently portrayed Al-Qaeda as an organization whose sole objective is terrorism.  This could not be further from the truth.  Al-Qaeda ("the rakish one") was founded in 1956 by a Cairene haberdasher named Mahmoud Al-Jalib, and for decades Al-Qaeda was synonymous with affordable, high-quality headwear.  In 1991, Al-Qaeda expanded its operations into the footwear, underwear, terrorism, and handbag industries.  Today, Al-Qaeda exports garments to all corners of the world.  Check the label on your briefs!  Chances are you’ll find our mascot, the Tiger Of Islam.  (And look closely—if the Tiger Of Islam has a visible erection, it means your underwear contains a fatal bio-engineered disease.)

Myth: Al-Qaeda does not participate in charity.
Fact: Qaring for Qids™, the charitable arm of Al-Qaeda, has raised SAR230 million for kids suffering from polio, lupus, and edificiophobia, the fear of tall menacing buildings.  Additionally, in 2009, we are excited to unveil Al-Qontraceptives™, a family-planning aid that will be provided free of charge at participating pharmacies.  Our lawyers require us to note that we will be using Al-Qontraceptives™ records of purchase to identify and murder non-conservative Muslims.  Which means that Al-Qontraceptives™ have a guaranteed 100% success rate!

Myth: Allah is not great.
Fact: Allah is the shit.

Myth: Al-Qaeda’s mascot, the Tiger Of Islam, is a homosexual.
Fact: The Tiger Of Islam does not have a perpetual erection because he is a homosexual.  The Tiger Of Islam has a perpetual erection because lady tigers do not wear modest clothing.  Homosexual Westerners, if you are reading this, we urge you to please cease inscribing the image of the Tiger Of Islam on your dildos.  Up until this point we have refrained from putting up Clay Aiken posters in our mosques, but that can change.

Myth: Al-Qaeda does not offer life insurance to its members.
Fact: Most of our employees receive highly competitive life insurance policies.

Tags: international relations, terrorism, homosexuality, tiger of islam, qaring for qids, anthrax, osama bin laden, al-qaeda

The difficulties the French have in pronouncing the letter ‘h’ landed the country’s foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner, in hot water.

Israeli media quoted the minister as saying Israel ‘will eat’ Iran if the Islamic Republic gained possession of nuclear weapons, prompting Kouchner’s office to issue a statement of clarification on Sunday.

Kouchner wanted to say in an interview given in English that Israel would ‘hit’ Iran if it developed nuclear weapons.

[from the Official Instruction Manual for French Foreign Ministers, 2nd English edition, Page 342]

IV. Public Statements to Foreign Newspapers

  A) Always make your remarks in English, so as to prevent any confusion with the foreign press’s translation.
  B) If at all possible, do not use words starting with the letter “h.”
    i. Additionally, avoid using any of the following words:
      a) bit
      b) hate
      c) think
      d) crepe
      e) sheet
      f) pommes frites
  C) Foreign Office employees are no longer permitted to hold “Pink Panther” marathons in the office during work hours.

Tags: international relations, israel, iran, france, hungry jews, comical misunderstandings, inspector clouseau

When Julie Peterson decided to have a baby on her own two years ago, she picked a tall, blond, blue-eyed Danish engineer as a sperm donor to match her own Scandinavian heritage. But when she went back to the sperm bank to use the same donor to have another child, she was stunned to discover that the federal government had made it impossible.

“I just cried,” said Peterson, 43, who lives in North Carolina. “I was in complete shock. I hadn’t thought about anything but having another baby with this donor. It was just so surprising and bewildering. ... Now I have a beautiful Viking baby, which is what I wanted. I was hoping to give her a full sibling.”

The Peterson household, 2025.  Young Jean-Baptiste comes running into his mother’s room, his eyes red and streaming.

Jean-Baptiste: Maman!  Maman!
Julie, icily: What.
Jean-Baptiste: Maman, it is Brunhilde... Maman, she has maked in my room again un feu.
Julie: Perhaps it is because you have invited it, with your weakness.
Julie: Perhaps it is because you lack Viking blood.
The fire alarm goes off.
Jean-Baptiste, timorously: I do not want to be a Viking, I am a chrétien... I want to make a life of service to Jesus, in a monastère... a chateau de Dieu…
Julie stands, trembling, apoplectic with rage.
Julie: Your God is false and weak.  The single eye of Odin sees all.
Brunhilde, entering suddenly, clad in furs and wielding an elk carcass: Cringing scoundrels!  Where is the treasonous fire alarm?  I crave to smash it.
Julie: Wretch, help your sister destroy the fire alarm.
Jean-Baptiste: I… I am faint with hunger… I seek fromage...
Brunhilde: YOU SHALL BE SUSTAINED BY MEAD AND ELKFLESH, OR YOU SHALL DIE.
Brandishing the elk carcass, Brunhilde chases Jean-Baptiste from the room.  Julie Peterson gazes bitterly after them.
Julie, aloud, to herself: Why, oh why, did I settle for the freely available French sperm.

Tags: science, international relations, france, vikings, denmark, sperm, elkflesh

Speaking in South Korea before he goes on to Beijing for the Olympics on Friday, Mr Bush said its pre-Olympics crackdown on dissent was “a mistake”.
...
“I have been meeting Chinese leaders for seven and a half years, and my message has been the same: you should not fear religious people in your society,” Mr Bush told reporters.

“As a matter of fact, religious people will make your society a better place. You ought to welcome people being able to express their minds.”
...
“This is an athletics event. But it’s also an opportunity to say to the Chinese people, we respect your traditions, we respect your history,” he said.

“The reason I’m going to the Olympics is twofold - one, to show my respect for the people of China, and two, to cheer on the US team.”

From South Korea Mr Bush goes to the Thai capital, Bangkok, where he is expected to address the issue of Burma. 

Draft speech for Bangkok, Thailand, August 8th 2008, written by and for US President, George W. Bush. Submitted to the Federal Government Speech-Writing Department for approval.

Mr Sundaravej, The government of Thailand and the Thai people, thank you for this opportunity to speak to you.

It is a momentous time for Asia. China is about to hold the Olympics, the economies are booming, kind of, and I am here. These are all good things.

But God is also punishing you with some really drunk weather and natural earthquakes. And God is also punishing the people of Burma. Mr Sunday-veg, your neighbor has a problem. It is not a free society. Not like your glorious democracy, previously headed by human rights expert Thaksin Shinawatra and now by yourself. Free societies are a good thing, like ours in the United States. Respect for human rights is also a good thing, as you all know. But they don’t know this in Burma.

They don’t know this in China either, where they should be more religious. They have recently had problems with Muslamic separatists, but they should love the Muslamic people, cherish them like we do in America. For Muslamic people are also people, and they know many things we don’t know. They, too, can express their minds. That’s why we’re so keen to find out what they know and what they don’t know. We can sell you information on water-boarding, for the right price.

But we respect China - it’s very big, I think - and we respect Thailand, because you’re not from Burma, I don’t think. However, we are going to WHIP YOUR ASSES in the Olympics! Oooooh yeah! We are going to SPANK YOU TILL YOU’RE SORE! GO AMERICA.

Thank you. God Bless. 

Response from Chief of Staff, Federal Government Speech-Writing Department to draft speech for President Bush, Bangkok, August 8th 2008.

Mr President,

Almost perfect. A few minor revisions necessary. My deputies will advise - I am on leave until January.

Tags: international relations, george w. bush, olympics, china, thailand, some really drunk weather, muslamic separatists, burma

Rice says Iran not serious at weekend nuke talks
(AP) Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice accused Iran on Monday of not being serious at weekend talks about its disputed nuclear program despite the presence of a senior U.S. diplomat, and warned it may soon face new sanctions.
...
At Saturday’s meeting, Iran had been expected to respond to a package of incentives offered in exchange for halting enrichment of uranium… However, Rice said that instead of a coherent answer, Iran’s chief nuclear negotiator Saeed Jalili delivered a “meandering” monologue full of irrelevant “small talk about culture” that appeared to annoy many of the others present at the table in Geneva.
...
Rice’s remarks about the Iranian presentation were much harsher than those of the host of the meeting, European Union foreign policy chief Javier Solana, who lamented only that Iran had not provided “all the answers to the questions.”

Jalili says U.S. not serious at weekend Flavor of Love talks
(Iran Daily) Supreme National Security Council Secretary Saeed Jalili accused the United States on Monday of not being serious at weekend talks about the most recent season of VH1’s “Flavor of Love” despite the presence of a senior Iranian diplomat, and warned it may soon face the possibility of not being invited to watch a Season 3 marathon at Jalili’s apartment.
...
At Saturday’s meeting, the U.S. had been expected to respond to an email proposing that Season 3 winner Thing 2 was a worthier match for rapper Flavor Flav than Deelishis, the victor of Season 2. However, Jalili said that instead of a coherent answer, the U.S.’s secretary of state Condoleezza Rice delivered a “meandering” monologue full of irrelevant “small talk about Iran’s disputed nuclear program” that appeared to annoy many of the others present at the table in Geneva.
...
Salili’s remarks about the American presentation were much harsher than those of the host of the meeting, European Union foreign policy chief Javier Solana, who lamented only that the U.S. had not provided “all the answers to the questions.”

Specified Solana: “The questions that were about Flavor Flav’s program ‘Flavor of Love,’ which was the point of this entire meeting.”

Tags: international relations, iran, vh1, flavor of love, nuclear weapons, flavor flav

Pirates took four European tourists hostage after their yacht ran out of fuel off the coast of northern Somalia in the Red Sea’s Gulf of Aden, according to a Somaliland official.

The pirates then took their hostages—a man, woman, their child and their yacht’s pilot—into hills around the fishing town of Las Qoray, said Ahmed Yusuf Yasin, vice president of the self-declared Republic of Somaliland.

...

Yasin said he believed the hostages were either French or German.

Pirates took four American League players hostage yesterday after they inadvertently wandered too close to the Pittsburgh dugout, according to a clubhouse official.

The Pirates (tentatively identified as Nate McLouth, Xavier Nady, and Tom Gorzelanny) then took their hostages—a pitcher, shortstop, and two outfielders—into the team’s locker room, said Brian Garrity, president and treasurer of the self-declared Bucs Nation Ultimate Fanclub (BNUF).

Garrity said he believed the hostages were either Mariners or Yankees.

Tags: international relations, sports, baseball, somalia, flippant interpretations of genuinely traumatic events, pittsburgh pirates, pirates

Authorities in China’s troubled far-western region of Xinjiang are telling people who want to watch the Olympic torch as it passes through the area to stay at home and tune into the television instead.
...
“Considering that too many people will cause a lack of safety, we are recommending that everyone watches on the television from home,” the official Xinjiang Daily quoted the Communist Party boss of the region’s sports administration, Li Guangming, as saying.
...
“Do not shout slogans that damage the image of the nation or of the city,” the Urumqi Evening News said, outlining a long list of behaviour that was similarly banned, including not taking pets along to look at the spectacle or setting off fireworks.

Tues 06.17.08
FROM THE DESK OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF CHINA.
IN RE: OLYMPIC TORCH RELAY IN XINJIANG
ADDR: HONORABLE CITIZENS OF URUMQI

Most esteemed comrades:

Just a friendly reminder to enjoy this afternoon’s torch relay from the best seats in the house—your own! Ha ha ha ha!

WHILE VIEWING THE RELAY ON TELEVISION FROM INSIDE YOUR OWN HOME IT IS FORBIDDEN TO CONTEMPLATE OR DISCUSS THE FOLLOWING.

1) Slogans that damage the image of the nation or of the city
2) Subversive uses of fireworks
3) The origin of the many well-behaved and non-Muslim-looking citizens of Urumqi that are attending the relay
4) The possibility of training your pet to extinguish the torch with a single well-timed jet of its own urine
5) The extreme implausibility of the citizens of Urumqi being moved, upon first sighting the torch, spontaneously to burst into a perfectly tuned performance of “Turandot” with costumes and a full orchestra
6) The notion that surely the original intent of relaying the torch throughout China was to indicate national unity, and indeed bolster it by including all parts of China as witness to a moving, time-honored ritual celebrating the greatness and nobility of the human race
7) Also how come the attendees get to have all that delicious ice cream

We hope you enjoy the relay!

Your comrade,
Li Guangming
Boss, Xinjiang Sports Administration Council

P.S.  It is imperative that you not leave your house for the duration of the relay, lest you damage the facade that may or may not have been erected in front of your home.

Tags: politics, international relations, olympics, china, xinjiang, screamingly hollow gestures, urumqi, uighurs, turandot

President Bush has admitted to The Times that his gun-slinging rhetoric made the world believe that he was a “guy really anxious for war” in Iraq. He said that his aim now was to leave his successor a legacy of international diplomacy for tackling Iran.

In an exclusive interview, he expressed regret at the bitter divisions over the war and said that he was troubled about how his country had been misunderstood. “I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric.”

Phrases such as “bring them on” or “dead or alive”, he said, “indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace”. He said that he found it very painful “to put youngsters in harm’s way”.
...
“I’ve campaigned for change ever since I ran for office,” he noted, “except for 2004. Then I wasn’t for change.”

Man: Hi honey, I’m home!
Woman: Hello, dear. How did it go? You look as white as a sheet!
Man: Yes.
Woman: What happened?!
Man: It’s over.
Woman: What’s over? Darling, what’s going on?
Man: News.
Woman: Yes, what’s news? Did you get to interview him? What did he say that was newsworthy?
Man: News is over.
Woman: Sorry, dear, I don’t get it. Come and have a nice sit down.
Man: Yes.
Woman: So what’s up?
Man: My job is pointless.
Woman: You’ve just interviewed the President! How can your job be pointless? What did he say?
Man: Are you ready?
Woman: Of course!
Man: He said he thought the public view of him as a non-peaceful man was wrong. He said that he’s never been anxious for war.
Woman: But didn’t he once describe himself as a ‘war president?’
Man: What he actually said, in February 2004, was “I’m a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign policy matters with war on my mind.”
Woman: Oh.
Man: Yes.
Woman: Well then.
Man: Indeed.
Woman: So did you point this out to your readers in your piece?
Man: No. I wasn’t allowed to.
Woman: Oh.
Man: Yes.
Woman: Why not?
Man: Well, the boss brought up the example of that Monty Python sketch. You know, the one where someone discovers the funniest joke ever, and everyone who hears it instantly dies laughing. He said that, on a similar basis, if we were to analyse Bush’s comments, even a little bit, our circulation would instantly drop to zero.
Woman: Did he really say that?
Man: No. We signed a pre-interview contract preventing us from pointing out any of his - uh, how was it described? - ah yes, ‘massively hypocritical contradictions’.
Woman: Did the contract actually say that?
Man: Unfortunately yes.
Woman: So what are you going to do now, honey?
Man: Become a bus driver.
Woman: Probably a good idea.
Man: Yeah.
Woman: Cup of tea?
Man: Thank you.

Tags: politics, international relations, george w. bush, iraq, massively hypocritical contradictions

The United States is operating “floating prisons” to house those arrested in its war on terror, according to human rights lawyers, who claim there has been an attempt to conceal the numbers and whereabouts of detainees.

-Bad news, sir. The press has found out about the floating prisons.
-What? That’s impossible!
-I’m afraid so, sir. They claim that as many as 15 ships –
-Ohhhhh. You mean the ship prisons?
-Of course, sir. What else –
-Darn, they found out about the floating prison. [rearranging materials on desk] Darn those journalists. Well, good meeting, Johnson, I’ll just –
-Sir, are there . . . other floating prisons?
-Whatever would give you that idea?
-Well, you were at first very upset when I mentioned the floating prisons, and then apparently relieved when you realized that I was talking about the prisons on US Navy ships.
-Maybe you should be more precise with your language. Language is what separates us from the beasts, Johnson.
-Language and floating prisons.
-That’s right, language and – hey!
-So there are floating prisons. There are.
-What? Don’t be ridiculous. It would take 520,000 helium balloons over a restricted airspace in the desolate Yukon wilderness to make a prison float. Highly unlikely.
-(sigh) At the press conference should I still deny any knowledge of the floating prisons?
-I told you I don’t know –
-The ones that are floating on water.
-Oh, those. Ah, what the heck. Let’s fess up. There’s more than one way to float a prison, if you get my drift.
-Stop winking at me, sir. 

Tags: international relations, terrorism, the desolate yukon wilderness, floating prisons

The Oreo has landed in Britain. And it is giving rise to a furious Battle of the Biscuits.
...
A new TV commercial shows a young boy teaching his scruffy dog how to eat an Oreo: “First you twist it. Then you lick it. Mmm. Then you dunk it,” he says, sploshing his Oreo into a glass of milk. This will be the first time that many Brits have seen a biscuit dipped in milk.
...
[Biscuit historian Stuart] Payne’s not convinced that Oreo can take on such a deep-rooted culture in which only the toughest, tea-complementing biscuits survive, in a society where offering someone a plate of Rich Tea, Custard Creams, or Jammie Dodgers is a way of expressing friendship, love, and concern.

The Biggins Estate, in an idyllic corner of Northamptonshire.

Young Cyril, scampering madly about: Mum!  Da!  Herbert’s returned!
Lady Biggins: I’ll be scuppered!!
Lord St. Cuppingham, Earl of Things: By Jove, you old gad-about...!!
Deaf Percy the Fish-Staver: Cripes?!?
Herbert: It’s true!  I’m back from America.  What an interesting place!
Lady Biggins: Do tell us of your adventures!, comprehensively without further delay, distraction, remittance &c.
Damon Alban: But first, as an expression of friendship, love, and concern, do permit us to offer you this plate of Rich Tea and Custard Creams.
Herbert: Well, er…
Deaf Percy the Fish-Staver: Yew blith’rin’ dolt, ‘e don’t want no Rich Tea nor no Custard Creams neither. Boy ‘Erbert’s only ivver supped upon Jammie Dodgers, ‘struth.
Clotilda Gurningwood: Plate o’ Jammie Dodgers, then, luv?
Herbert: That is to say…
Angus of-the-Vale: Marshy Wiggles?
Control: Dollopy Jamsmugglers?
Herbert: I’m terribly sorry, but I eat Oreos now.
The assembled group falls silent.
Herbert: And I—I habitually dip them in milk.  If you must know.
Young Cyril: But… But Herbert… I don’t understand.
Young Cyril runs crying to the ball-room.
Sir John Browdie: HOW IN THE BLAZES DO YOU GET A BISCUIT INSIDE A TIN OF MILK
Deaf Percy the Fish-Staver: I saw a bloke on the telly wot fed these O-re-os to a bleedin’ dog! ‘Struth, again.
Lady Biggins: I don’t quite know what to make of you, Herbert.
Herbert: Fetch the milk, Deaf Percy.  You all must try this strange and wonderful confection.
Oreos and milk are procured.  Hesitantly, the group munches away.
Sir John Browdie: I… I feel odd.
Lady Biggins: Yes, I also am experiencing the strangest sensation.
Angus of-the-Vale: SUDDENLY I FEEL COMPELLED TO PURCHASE A LORRY WOT IS MUCH LARGER THAN ACTUALLY FITS MY REQUIREMENTS AT THE MOMENT
Lord St. Cuppingham, Earl of Things: Yes, by Neptune!  Out-sized lorries for the lot of us!
Damon Alban: I find myself feeling great hostility toward Arab-speaking oil-producing nations.
Damon Alban: Great Scott!  I have also become slightly more overweight.
Lady Biggins: Darling, I don’t think I shall be attending tonight’s performance of Cymbeline after all—do you think Motley-on-the-Wold might perchance be hosting any events tonight in which lads in cars crash into each other inside a ring?  Preferably, some of the cars would spout fire.
Clotilda Gurningwood: Young Cyril, ducky, be a love and switch on all the lights in the house, and transfer the recyclables to the rubbish bin.
Sir John Browdie furtively begins pouring water into his pint of lager.
Deaf Percy the Fish-Staver: Gor!  I fink I’ll go visit me a denn-tist.

Tags: international relations, britain, culture, oreos, biscuits, deaf percy the fish-staver

[President] Bush also attended with Israeli President Shimon Peres and Prime Minister Ehud Olmert an evening gala related to Israel’s 60th anniversary.

Olmert...embraced Bush at the event, telling him, “You are an unusual person. You are an unusual leader.  And you are an unusual friend of the people of Israel.”

Holding President Bush close in a burly Judeo-Christian man-hug, Olmert continued: “Also, you are an unusual connoisseur of fine ginger ales, which most people do not know about you but I think is really great.  You are an unusual choice for a Trivial Pursuit teammate.  You are unusually good at inventing cruel nicknames to remind ‘friends’ of their subordinate status—‘Shit-mon Per-ass,’ hahaha, that was great, I am really going to keep using that.  Earlier in the men’s room, I noticed that you have an unusually descended left testicle; is this the reason for your comical swagger? When you nap, you begin to suck on your lips like an innocent baby, and your Secret Service men are able to put an unusually hilarious array of tchotchkes in front of your mouth and boy do you suck right onto them as if they were Barbara Bush’s tsitskeh! Even after all these years, you have an unusually hard time keeping straight which of us are the Jews and which the Arabs, even after I taught you the handy rule ‘if he has silly facial hair, he is probably an Arab.’ And lastly, you bear an unusually striking resemblance to a spritely marmot named Ting-Ling that featured prominently in the recurring night-terrors of my youth.”

Moving his shoulders up and down briskly, Bush responded, “Thanks, Prime Minister Oldfart.” He added: “Heh heh heh.”

Tags: international relations, george w. bush, israel, a spritely marmot named ting-ling, ehud olmert

Pope Benedict will text message thousands of young Catholics on their mobile phones during World Youth Day in Sydney in July, hoping going digital will help him connect better with a younger audience.

Communications Log
SacredText SMS v 1.4.3

15 July, 2008
5:45am The Pope Hello, my children! It is Pope Benedict XVI saying good morning and bless you on this most glorious of days.  In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of
5:46am [undisclosed] whats up??????
5:46am [undisclosed] srsly?
5:46am [undisclosed] ur kidding me
5:46am [undisclosed] way 2 early for this but hi
5:46am [undisclosed] IM JEWISH YOU DORK
5:46am [undisclosed] 143
5:46am [undisclosed] haha f*** u
Response listing truncated.

6:10am The Pope Blessed be the technology that gathers us here today.  May cellular communication be a vessel through which we share in our adoration of Earth and the Lord Jesu
6:11am [undisclosed] WTF IM ASLEEP
6:11am [undisclosed] theres a 160word limit you have to space things out better pope
6:11am [undisclosed] god bless u… or should i say u bless u!
6:11am [undisclosed] STILL JEWISH
6:11am [undisclosed] pope on a rope!!!  lol
6:11am [undisclosed] hoi can u make me win the lotery
6:11am [undisclosed] who is this?
Response listing truncated.

Tags: international relations, religion, cell phones, the catholic church, pope benedict xvi

THE election hopes of the West Australian Liberals plummeted yesterday after new leader Troy Buswell refused to deny claims that he sniffed the chair of a female staffer after a meeting in his office in 2006.

Mr Buswell allegedly lifted the woman’s chair and started sniffing it in front of her, and later repeated the act in front of several staff members.
...
The extraordinary allegation follows damaging revelations in January that Mr Buswell snapped the bra strap of a Labor staffer in a drunken escapade last year and made inappropriate comments to female MPs.
...
Party president Barry Court, whose wife, Margaret, runs the Victory Life Church, conceded that the chair-sniffing behaviour, if true, was unacceptable.

But he denied he was overly concerned and said Mr Buswell was a changed man.

“We’ve been through this before with bra-snapping and it’s all over, it’s all finished,” Mr Court told ABC radio. 

Date: Mo Apr 28 2008 21.13:03
From: troy buswell [tbuswell@liberals.gov.au]
To: Barry Court [bcourt@liberals.gov.au]
Subject: Re: FW: List Of No-Nos

barry.

as you can see chair-sniffing wasnt on the list!!!  in fact the list mandates chair-sniffing!!!  ABSOLVED

troy.
****
TROY BUSWELL
LEADER, WEST AUSTRALIAN LIBERALS
& LOVE-MAN

> Date: Mo Apr 28 2008 21.11:24
> From: Barry Court [bcourt@liberals.gov.au]
> To: troy buswell [tbuswell@liberals.gov.au]
> Subject: FW: List Of No-Nos
>
> Buswell--
>
> I am struggling to contain my EXTREME FRUSTRATION with the most recent instance of your serial and creative lewdness, which
> I had naively presumed was over following our joint authorship of the BELOW LIST.  I am shaking with disgust as I write this.
> It is out of morbid curiosity and nothing else that I ask: Can you provide me with any plausible defence for your actions? Any
> defence at all?
>
> My God, Buswell.  My God.
>
> Barry Court
> President, Liberal Party
>
> P.S. Please also refrain, just this once, from simply returning this email to me with an item on The List in strikeout and then
> claiming to be “ABSOLVED.” It’s in strikeout, you twit.  You’re not even reading this bit, are you?  You’re already replying.
> P.P.S.  DIE.
>
> > Date: Fr Jan 16 2008 18.30:52
> > From: Barry Court [bcourt@liberals.gov.au]
> > To: troy buswell [tbuswell@liberals.gov.au]
> > Subject: List Of No-Nos
> >
> > So glad we were able to achieve consensus on this.  Here for our records is a definitive list of Forbidden Activities:
> > -bra-snapping
> > -inappropriate comments
> > -drunken escapades of any kind
> > -chair-sniffingNOT-SNIFFING
> > -nuzzling ones face amongst a spectacular set of knockers whilst singing “ABBA” lyricsTHE CHAIR MUST BE SNIFFED

Tags: politics, international relations, australia, chair sniffing, barry court, troy buswell, chair-not-sniffing

Cheeky Girl singer Gabriela Irimia is to marry the Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik, it has been reported.

The Montgomeryshire MP, 43, told Hello! magazine he had proposed last week in Rome and his girlfriend accepted.
Ms Irimia, 25, and her sister make up the novelty pop act the Cheeky Girls. She met Mr Opik on a TV show in 2006.
Mr Opik, who was previously engaged to ITV weather presenter Sian Lloyd, has not set a date for the wedding, the magazine reported.
Mr Opik added: “We were euphoric afterwards, walking around the city and then sipping champagne and chatting away in our hotel suite until the early hours. I couldn’t ask for things to go better than they did.”

Kofi Annan has dramatically cut short his diplomatic mission in the Darfur region of Sudan to announce his engagement to the American singer and actress, Jessica Simpson.

Speaking from his native Ghana, Mr Annan said that both he and Miss Simpson were “absolutely delighted”, and that the wedding would take place “as soon as our respective diaries allowed it”.

The couple met during a UN Goodwill mission in North Korea, where Miss Simpson performed a version of her hit, ‘A Public Affair’, in front of an audience including Kim Jong-il.

Despite an age difference between them of some 42 years, Miss Simpson said that it made “no difference at all” to their relationship. “One of the things I love most about Kofi is his maturity,” the singer said yesterday. In turn, Mr Annan praised his fiancee’s “fantastic tits”.

The news comes hot on the heels of the year’s most unexpected engagement, between quirky Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik and Transylvanian popstress Gabriela Irimia. When asked to comment on the matter at yesterday’s press conference, Mr Annan described the politician and Cheeky Girl’s announcement as “a joke, surely?”

Both Mr Opik and Miss Irimia were unavailable for comment today.

BBC News, 23rd May 2008

Tags: international relations, britain, jessica simpson, lembit opik, gabriela irimia, kofi annan, cheeky girls

...When porn star Milly D’Abbraccio designed her campaign posters, it was obvious she was going to show off her bottom.

Targeting her male fan base, the veteran of Italy’s adult entertainment industry has plastered images of her derriere all around the Eternal City in a bid to win a seat in Rome’s city hall.
...
“I am the derriere of the Socialist party,” she concluded.

The Clinton war room.

Campaign Manager Maggie Williams: Good morning, Clintons.  I’ve been doing a little online research into the state of Italian… er, politics, and I think I have a new campaign role model.
Hillary: This better not be about Carla Bruni again.
MW: No, no.  No!  Ha ha.  No, this is about Milly D’Abbraccio.
Bill: Ooooh yeah!
Hillary, suddenly icy: I don’t know who that is, but whatever you’re planning, I won’t do it.
Bill: I’d like to hear more about this idea, Maggie.
MW: Well, she’s running for city hall in Rome, and instead of slogans or pictures of her face, her posters feature her—
Bill, sotto voce: Please say butt. Please say butt.
MW, looking nervously at Hillary —well, yeah.
Hillary:
MW: Her butt.
Hillary: I unquestionably will not do that.
Bill, beseechingly: But babe, you’ve got such a cute—
Hillary, glaring stonily:
Bill:
Interns: [awkward fidgeting]
MW: Well!  Well, actually…
Hillary, glaring anew:
MW: Actually we weren’t thinking of using you for these posters, Hillary.
Hillary: You bet you weren’t.
MW: Instead, we were actually wondering if—
Bill, suddenly without pants: I’LL DO IT.

Tags: politics, international relations, hillary clinton, italy, milly d'abbraccio, campaigning with one's butt, bill clinton

Rafael del Pino Siero, an American citizen who was a friend of Fidel Castro… broke with Mr. Castro over suspicions that Mr. Castro was a communist.

Excerpts from the diary of Rafael del Pino Siero.

April 4, 1959

Today I write with a heavy heart.  I have been having the time in my life down here in Cuba, viva-ing the revolución, but over the last two days a sneaking suspicion has come over me, like a shadow cast by the pendulous breasts of a grainfed peasant woman over the face of a mewling infant, which is my happiness, and the pendulous breasts are the idea that my ex-best friend (not-so-)Fidel Castro is actually a communist.

I should have seen this coming.  Ever since he started hanging out with that “Che” person with his iconic facial hair and silly hat, I have noticed a change come over him.  At first, though I noticed that those two had become excessively chummy, fondly bickering over which one was Lenin and which was Stalin, or referring to themselves as “the Macho Hammer and the Latin Sickle,” I dismissed it as idle banter.  Increasingly, however, my entreaties to Fidel of a Friday night to go patronize this or that establishment of drinking and whoring have been met with a short-and-cruel “nyet.” I don’t know what that means, but his tone makes clear what he is actually saying: “Adios Rafael, I am now friends with this sexy sexy “Che” person and we are now big fat Mr. Communists ha ha ha ha ha” is basically what is implied by his tone.  I fear that I must leave this island, or else I will never be able to forget this sickly sweet syrupy sorrow in my heart, and also if I stay they are going to imprison me and torture me.  Have fun with your new comrades, Fidel—I hope you don’t survive multiple ridiculous assassination attempts and become the longest-leading communist leader in history and never, ever die.

January 3, 1962

Another heartbreak.  It turns out my friend Marty King is actually a negro.  I don’t know how I didn’t see this coming.  In hindsight, what with his constant advocating for negro civil rights and self-identification as a negro, it seems so obvious.  But that’s why they say that the hindsight, it is 20/20, I guess, while the present is as confoundingly myopic as a very old coyote gnawing on a lawn ornament because he has mistaken it for the skeleton of a bull, which I have seen once.

June 14, 1978

I’m starting to believe that my all-time favorite whoring partner Elton John is actually less than strictly heterosexual.

I came to this realization while he was making love to me.

Tags: international relations, suspicions of things that turn out to be sort of obvious in retrospect, fidel castro, simile, elton john, martin luther king jr., communism, cuba

Foreign nationals are being offered ways to ensure they pass UK citizenship tests, a BBC investigation has found. Fraudsters are recruiting stand-ins to sit the tests, while one language school has been providing candidates with answers.

Since 2005, most foreign nationals applying for British citizenship have to prove both proficiency in the English language and a knowledge of British culture before their application is successful.

UK CITIZENSHIP TEST 2008
(For non-dependants and those without dependables.)

SANCTIONED BY HM CIVIL SERVICE, FCO, IMMIGRATION UNIT.

This is a multiple-choice test comprising of 10 questions. You need a score of 110% or higher in order to be considered for UK citizenship. We do not care if you are partially-sighted, dyslexic, find strange exam-hall environments claustrophobic or have other aptitudes which would be better tested outside of an exam hall. We do not care if you don’t know the English words ‘claustrophobic’ or ‘aptitudes’. You have thirty seconds to complete the test. Leave no questions unanswered.

Name:
Address:
Temporary Immigration Code (if applicable):

1. The House of Lords - the second chamber in British Politics and the highest court in the country - recently published a report in which the claim that immigration increases Britain’s overall GDP was dismissed as being “irrelevant and misleading”. The argument that immigration is needed to fill job vacancies was described in the same report as being “analytically weak”, while the country’s biggest-selling newspaper splashed the story with the headline: Migrants ‘do not boost Britain’.

Do you:

A) Want to take this test?
B)
C) Not want to take this test?

2. Prince Philip (Greek) - long-serving husband to the country’s head of state (German) - has travelled a lot. Which of the following statements are actual, true, not-made-up direct quotes from Prince Philip:

1) To a Briton he met in Hungary in 1993: “You can’t have been here that long - you haven’t got a pot belly”.
2) To a Scottish driving instructor in 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
3) To British students during a Royal visit to China in 1986: “If you stay here much longer you’ll all be slitty-eyed.”

A) 1, 2 and 3.
B) All of them
C) All of them, but there are many more quotes like this available to view on the internet.

3. This is also a language test. We don’t speak any other languages so you have to learn ours. Thankfully, though, English is simple, innit? Please put a cross next to the one sentence from those below that you would be unlikely to hear on the streets of Britain:

A) I ad eight pints a-stella down the duck on frydee and was well trolleyed, innit?
B) Fuckin immigrants are floodin this country and stealing our hard-earned tax money threw hand-outs and benefits, innit?
C) What this country needs is to grow up. I would get down on my knees and plead to the y-front-wearing press barons of this island not to continue making money by peddling bile and hatred to an over-worked and disillusioned people who were sold a lie thirty years ago by an evil old witch and who are now witnessing the true cost of greed and a fractious society in which scapegoats are needed. Pint of bitter, please.

4. Which of the following celebrities is the best role model for your children?

A) Millionaire dumb-nut David Beckham.
B) Millionaire dumb-nut Charlotte Church.
C) Millionaire racist dumb-nut Jade Goody.

5. You have just answed question 4. This a test for people without dependants, as clearly stated at the top of this form. You are disqualified, and we also now know who you are.

Tags: international relations, britain, immigration, xenophobia, prince philip, innit

“Yemen is like a bus station — we stop some terrorists, and we send others on to fight elsewhere,” said Murad Abdul Wahed Zafir, a political analyst at the National Democratic Institute in Sana. “We appease our partners in the West, but we are not really helping.”

“Bahrain is like an inconsistent DSL connection - we slow some terrorists down, we provide other terrorists with the means to hack into sensitive government databases,” said Mahmoud Husein Al-Zahid, a security advisor to the Bahraini government. He added: “It sort of depends on how we’re feeling at the time.”

“Syria is like a post office,” explained counterterrorism director Hassan Ibn Shaheed. “A lot of our packages do not contain bombs.”

Tags: politics, international relations, terrorism, syria, yemen, bahrain

Speaking in an exclusive interview with CNN on the sidelines of the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, Karzai also reluctantly accepted his image as “a puppet of America.”

President_Karzai: noble taskmistress
President_Karzai: it grieves me to suggest this
Condi1114: WHATS UP
President_Karzai: i do not see how your latest directive advances the cause of stability in afghanistan
Condi1114: ARE WE GOING 2 HAVE 2 HAVE THAT TALK AGAIN
Condi1114 THE ONE ABOUT HOW U SHOULD STOP BEING A LITTLE B!TCH
President_Karzai: i am aware of the importance of not being “a little bitch”
President_Karzai: but employing our already limited security forces to festoon the iranian embassy with toilet paper
President_Karzai: seems like not a great idea somehow
Condi1114: LOL!!!!
Condi1114: DANCE, PUPPET
President_Karzai: sigh

President_Karzai: we are also perilously low on “charmin” as it is

Tags: politics, international relations, conference chat, condoleezza rice, afghanistan, hamid karzai