Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden is writing a new book, ‘Nidal’, as a response to “negative propaganda and insufficient information” about the terrorism network, citing unnamed Pakistani sources.

excerpt, Nidal, p. 823.

Myths and Facts about Al-Qaeda (contd.)

Myth: Al-Qaeda is primarily a terrorism network.
Fact: Western propagandists have consistently portrayed Al-Qaeda as an organization whose sole objective is terrorism.  This could not be further from the truth.  Al-Qaeda ("the rakish one") was founded in 1956 by a Cairene haberdasher named Mahmoud Al-Jalib, and for decades Al-Qaeda was synonymous with affordable, high-quality headwear.  In 1991, Al-Qaeda expanded its operations into the footwear, underwear, terrorism, and handbag industries.  Today, Al-Qaeda exports garments to all corners of the world.  Check the label on your briefs!  Chances are you’ll find our mascot, the Tiger Of Islam.  (And look closely—if the Tiger Of Islam has a visible erection, it means your underwear contains a fatal bio-engineered disease.)

Myth: Al-Qaeda does not participate in charity.
Fact: Qaring for Qids™, the charitable arm of Al-Qaeda, has raised SAR230 million for kids suffering from polio, lupus, and edificiophobia, the fear of tall menacing buildings.  Additionally, in 2009, we are excited to unveil Al-Qontraceptives™, a family-planning aid that will be provided free of charge at participating pharmacies.  Our lawyers require us to note that we will be using Al-Qontraceptives™ records of purchase to identify and murder non-conservative Muslims.  Which means that Al-Qontraceptives™ have a guaranteed 100% success rate!

Myth: Allah is not great.
Fact: Allah is the shit.

Myth: Al-Qaeda’s mascot, the Tiger Of Islam, is a homosexual.
Fact: The Tiger Of Islam does not have a perpetual erection because he is a homosexual.  The Tiger Of Islam has a perpetual erection because lady tigers do not wear modest clothing.  Homosexual Westerners, if you are reading this, we urge you to please cease inscribing the image of the Tiger Of Islam on your dildos.  Up until this point we have refrained from putting up Clay Aiken posters in our mosques, but that can change.

Myth: Al-Qaeda does not offer life insurance to its members.
Fact: Most of our employees receive highly competitive life insurance policies.

Tags: international relations, terrorism, homosexuality, tiger of islam, qaring for qids, anthrax, osama bin laden, al-qaeda

Peter Mullen, the Church of England vicar who wrote on his blog that gay men should have “sodomy” warnings tattooed on their bodies, has repeated an apology in his newspaper column today and explained why he made such a controversial suggestion.

In a piece headlined Why I was Wrong in the Darlington-based daily, the Northern Echo, Mullen writes:
“I much regret making some off-colour jokes about homosexuals on my website and I have offered a full public apology… I’m sorry I wrote what I did.”

“I voted for the Homosexual Reform Act of 1967; and I would vote for it again today. This act specified the decriminalisation of homosexual acts ‘between consenting adults in private’… ‘Private’ means in the bedroom – and neither Hampstead Heath nor public lavatories.

“What I do oppose – on the authority of the Christian faith – is the corrupting influence of the promotional parades of homosexuality by such as Gay Pride demonstrations. And that is what I was satirising.

“One might say that what was once a mortal sin is now only a lifestyle choice. And the love that once dare not speak its name now shrieks at us in high camp down every high street.”

An empty street containing a few houses and a church. Peter Mullen exits his church, locking the door behind him. He feels a sudden, cold breeze envelop his body, followed by a sharp tap on the shoulder. He spins round to see that there’s nobody there.

Mullen: What? Huh … who’s there?
Voice: Peter!
Mullen [looking petrified]: Who’s saying that? Where are you?
Voice: Peter! It is I, Rubik, the non-denominational ghost-god of logic.
Mullen: W-w-w-what?
Rubik: Would you like me to repeat that?
Mullen: No! Where are you?
Rubik: I am invisible, Peter.
Mullen: Huh? What do you want?
Rubik: I read your blog, Peter. And your apology.
Mullen: And?
Rubik: I’ve come to help you think more clearly.
Mullen: I don’t need your help. Leave me alone!
Rubik: Peter, I think you might. Do you really believe that people’s desires and beliefs should be contained to the bedroom?
Mullen: Yes! We’ve been very tolerant of homosexuals, what with the 1967 Act and everything, but they should keep it to themselves.
Rubik: I’m glad you believe in democracy, Peter. The word actually means ‘governance by the people’.
Mullen: I know.
Rubik: Do you really think that being gay is a lifestyle choice?
Mullen: Yes!
Rubik: You see, Peter, most people in this country think that religion is a belief system and lifestyle choice.
Mullen: I don’t!
Rubik: I know, Peter, I know. Just to be clear, though: do you also really believe that gay people singing or congregating to express their sexuality is wrong?
Mullen: Yes I do. It’s a private matter.
Rubik: I thought so, Peter, and that’s why I’ve come to help.
Mullen: How?
Rubik: Turn around, Peter.
Mullen: Why?
Rubik: Come on, just turn around 180 degrees for me.
[Mullen shuffles round to face the other way.]
Rubik: Now, what do you see?
Mullen: A door.
Rubik: And what’s it a door to, Peter?
Mullen: A church.
Rubik: That’s right, you idiot, it’s a great big massive church. Now, if you’ll just stay still so I can brand the word ‘hypocrite’ onto your forehead with this red-hot poker, I’ll be on my way.
[Mullen turns and runs away as fast as he can, screaming.]
Rubik: Just think about it Peter! I’m only here to help! [to himself, wearily] Ho hum. Guess I’m should get off to have a chat to that Sarah Palin about her ‘tackling corruption’ speeches.
[A gust of wind. All is quiet.]

Tags: religion, britain, homosexuality, church of england, rubik the non-denominational ghost-god of logic, peter mullen

BOSTON (AP) — State lawmakers have voted to let gay couples from other states get married in Massachusetts as soon as Gov. Deval Patrick signs the bill into law.

The house voted Tuesday to repeal a 1913 law that had blocked gay marriages from out-of-state couples.

from The Boston Globe, June 17, 1913:

MASSACHUSETTS SAFE FROM PINK TERROR.
Senator is mocked for preposterous Notion that Massachusetts may harbour homo-sexuals.

By overwhelming margin, our Proud State Legislators yesterday passed into Law a Bill meant to eternally ensure that that Vicious Vice known Scientifically as Homo-sexuality & popularly as Manshafting or Chapbuggery, will never find a foothold on the shores of this, Our Most Esteemed & Beloved State of the Bay.

The Law makes clear that marriages of out-of-state like-gendered deviants will by no measure be accepted or tolerated within Massachusetts.

“We have passed this Law precisely in time” stated Sen. Chasworth P. Hollingschad, of the Prominent Beacon Hill Hollingschads.  “Any day now, one of those newer, immoral states could attempt to Legitimize the Sin of Homo-sexuality.  I am thinking specifically of those Paganic Polygamists in Utah.”

A minor hubbub was caused on the floor during discussion of the Bill, when Sen. Adamiah P. Dunster of the Dunstershire Dunsters pointed out that as written, the Law defends against only out-of-state homo-sexualism, & is moot on the subject of matrimony amongst homo-sexuals native to Massachusetts.  Upon making such a remark, Sen. Dunster was laughed quite nearly out of the Capitol building by his Colleagues.

“Our City on the Hill runs thick with Right Puritan Blood” explained Sen. Hollingschad with appropriate Smugness. “And even the Irish Papist mongrels that currently flood our city have more sense than to promote ladslamming.”

The Senator continued: “Suggesting that Massachusetts may someday have homo-sexuals amongst its own citizenry is like to suggesting that fair Harvard College will someday be anything other than an Ivory Bastion of our most Cherished Conservative Values. Or that a Papist could someday be President.

“Whether homo-sexuality is promoted by other states in One Year or One Hundred, rest Safe Assured that Massachusetts will not rank in that Godless number.

“At least, not as one of the very first states to legalize it, certainly.

“Also, we will never elect a Mormon as Governor. For the Record.

“Those are just not things that will ever happen.”

Tags: politics, homosexuality, gay marriage, old news, massachusetts, deval patrick, ladslamming