[A] temporary Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death in a rush of thousands of early morning shoppers as he and other employees attempted to unlock the doors of a Long Island, New York, store at 5 a.m., police said.
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Wal-Mart spokesman Kelly Cheeseman issued a statement saying, “We are saddened to report that a gentleman who was working for a temporary agency on our behalf died at the store and a few other customers were injured.”

Cheeseman continued: “This gentleman, while not a member of the Wal-Mart family, was at least as dear to us as a distant adopted cousin would have been. In his honor, we would like to make the ultimate gesture to his family: up to 25% off any of our sale items, which have already been so grossly, recklessly undervalued as to engender a wanton disregard for human saf… um, our prices are very low.

“Speaking of our low, low prices, we would also like to apologize deeply to our customers for any inconvenience this peripheral gentleman’s inopportune death may have caused. We assure you that further trampling-related deaths and maimings will be handled with minimal interruption to your Wal-Mart shopping experience. We ask that customers who come upon such an obstruction kindly notify any greeters who are still ambulatory.”

Tags: holidays, long island, walmart, shopping, christmas, undervaluation gone spinning berserkly out of control into the semantic abyss, trampling

Was it a theft? A prank? A roundabout effort to bring some holiday cheer to the police? Authorities in Harwich, Massachusetts, are probing the mysterious appearance of a piano, in good working condition, in the middle of the woods.
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Sgt. Adam Hutton of the Harwich Police Department said information has been broadcast to all the other police departments in the Cape Cod area in hopes of drumming up a clue, however minor it may be
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It took a handful of police to move the piano into a vehicle to transport it to storage, so it would appear that putting it into the woods took more than one person.

At the Hutton residence in Harwich, Massachusetts

-How was your day, honey?
-Ah, not great. Some jokesters put a piano in the woods and then –
-IT WAS ME!
-
-It was me. I hired some people and we put that piano out in the woods. Surprise!
-(anger swelling) Why on Earth would you do that?!
-It was a roundabout effort to bring some holiday cheer into your day. You’ve been so down lately, I thought it might cheer you up.
-(rage overflowing) I’ve been down because I’m a police officer in a crumby small town where there is nothing better for me to do than, for example, go look at pianos out in the woods and then answer questions about it to some reporter from CNN. That’s why I’ve been upset, dear.
-Oh…I see.
-
-Did you see that we put the bench there, too? It wasn’t just any bench. It was a piano bench.
-I saw the freaking bench. Did you see that the Harwich Community Bank was robbed today? It’s the first real crime that’s happened in this town in a decade and none of the police were nearby because we were all dealing with the stupid piano.
-Oh.
-
-Did you notice that the bench was placed as if someone was about to play? Come on, playing a piano in the woods? If that doesn’t bring some holiday cheer to your day, I don’t know what will. Are you sure you get it, honey?
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-Did you notice that the piano was properly tuned? Maybe you and the boys can have a little holiday party. You know, play that Charlie Brown Christmas song you like, sip some eggnog…in the woods! (wiping away a tear from laughter) Oh dear, good thing we’re not out of Kleenex!
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-Honey? You’re grimacing.
-I can’t believe they put this on CNN.com as one of the top stories.
-Dear, can you please stay in our diegesis at least until we finish our conversation?
-On the front freaking page of CNN.com…a piano in the freaking woods…
-Actually, that is disappointing, isn’t it?

Tags: music, police, holidays, a roundabout effort to bring some holiday cheer to the police, pianos, cnn