Alfredsson hadn’t even practiced with his teammates before deciding to take the warmup and suit up for the game. He didn’t look anywhere close to 100 percent, gingerly making his way around the ice and trying his best to avoid the high-traffic areas.

“He obviously wasn’t at full speed, you could see that, but he had hands, he had a couple of scoring chances,” Senators coach Bryan Murray said. “If anybody questions Daniel Alfredsson’s character again, I think I’ll approach them in an unkind way and set them straight.”

Two Ottawans confer quietly in a shaded alcove of Scotiabank Place.

Ottawan #1, dismissively: This Daniel Alfredsson.
Ottawan #2: Pfah.
O1: I know it is not wise to say, but I think he has not hands.  Nor scoring chances.  And surely you have seen the less than 100 percentedness with which he, eh…
O2: Ptui.
O1, waving printout of AP recap: He is less than 100 percent.  This means he is a fraction, you know.  A fraction!  Of something.
O2: haaack
O1:
O2: HAAACK
O1: Um
O2: Wooo-it.
O1: I tell you this—I am moved to question the character of Daniel Alfredsson.
Footsteps from down the hall.
O1: MON DIEU, WHAT HAVE I DONE
O2: C’EST BRYAN MURRAY
O2: L’MERDE
Bryan Murray appears.  He is flicking ketchup at people.
O1, pleading: S’il vous plaît!  Monsieur Murray!  This is not a polite thing!!
Bryan Murray, marching toward them remorselessly: You have an irritating voice.  That haircut, that you think looks cool, actually reminds people of how fat your neck is.  Every day, someone on Facebook decides to no longer be your friend.  When you are around, it sort of smells like old fish heads.
Bryan Murray stops in front of the cowering Ottawans.
BM: Do not question Daniel Alfredsson’s character again.  Yes?
O1: I understand.
BM: Good.  It was a pleasure approaching you in an unkind way, and then setting you straight.
Bryan Murray strides briskly away.

O1: I guess we should have seen that coming.
O2: SACRE L’MERDE

Tags: sports, canada, hockey, ottawa senators, bryan murray, 100%, french

When [Sidney] Crosby gets to the television remote first, he clicks madly from channel to channel. It drives road roommate Colby Armstrong mad.
...
Armstrong drags a reporter over to Crosby and announces loudly that he wants to do the interview over, that he’s going to reveal Sid’s affection for Chandler on “Friends.” Crosby interrupts, revealing that not only does Armstrong love “Ellen” but he also likes to dance along to her show opening.
...
For every comment Armstrong makes about the size of Crosby’s butt ("It’s kind of big"), Crosby will chide his friend about the way he eats and the noises he makes when he sleeps.

Jonathan Papelbon has been in the shower for forty-five minutes. To road companion Manny Delcarmen, this is nothing new. “It’s always like, don’t make me come in after you!” laughs the Boston reliever. “Cause I’ll do it!” Delcarmen becomes more somber: “But seriously, it’s really not good for his skin.”
From the shower, Papelbon retorts: “Like he knows what he’s doing with his skin. He doesn’t even exfoliate.”

Strolling through a colorful SoHo outdoor market, Steelers tight end Heath Miller oohs and ahs at an array of afghans—but road “partner” Ben Roethlisberger is having none of it.  “You already have, like, ten afghans,” the young quarterback and team leader reminds his friend. “You always forget that you have all these freaking afghans back home.” Miller pouts: “But I want one.”

Over a delicious homemade macchiato in his downtown loft, 7’3” Lithuanian center Zydrunas Ilgauskas confides quietly that fellow Cavalier LeBron James “is a terrible listener.”

Tags: sports, basketball, football, baseball, gay, hockey, lebron james, heath miller, zydrunas ilgauskas, ben roethlisberger, sidney crosby, jonathan papelbon, colby armstrong, manny delcarmen