Barack Obama is calling for a national day of service to take place on Jan. 19, the federal holiday for the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday and the day preceding Mr. Obama’s inauguration as president.

“While government has an important role to play in helping rekindle our economy and addressing the problems of a distressed nation, President-elect Obama believes each of us, as Americans, have a responsibility to do what we can for our communities and fellow citizens,” said the e-mail, which was signed by the five co-chairmen of the committee.

Participation is expected to top that of the similar 2001 pre-inaugural event spearheaded by then-President-elect George W. Bush, National Sit-On-Your-Friend-Who’s-Passed-Out’s-Head-And-Fart-On-It-And-Have-Another-Friend-Videotape-It Day, which drew dutiful observance by college fraternities nationwide, but a less-enthusiastic response from other demographics.

The 2001 e-mail read, simply, “PWNED LOL.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, george w. bush, national day of service, national sit on your friend's who's passed out's head and fart on it and have another friend videotape it day, pwned lol

What do you expect? We’ve got a major economic problem and I’m the president during the major economic problem. I mean, do people approve of the economy? No. I don’t approve of the economy. ... I’ve been a wartime president. I’ve dealt with two economic recessions now. I’ve had, hell, a lot of serious challenges. What matters to me is I didn’t compromise my soul to be a popular guy.

Mephistopheles, frustrated: Awright. Awright. How about this: no 9/11, no misbegotten war in Iraq, no Katrina, and no economic meltdown easily attributable to rightwing policy.  Eh?
Bush: Hmmmm.
Mephistopheles: Peace, prosperity, thousands of American lives saved, millions more made wealthier, happier.  God knows—
God, perkily: Did someone say ‘God’?
Bush, pointing with chocolate-stained fingers: He did.
God, disappointed: Oh.
Mephistopheles: Focus, for fuck’s sake.  Focus.  I don’t even want to be making this offer.  Lucifer and I have this kind of high-stakes bet that I couldn’t get your soul—I’m not going into details—the point is, this is a ridiculously bad deal for me.  I don’t want the betterment of the lives of immeasurable Americans.  Okay?  I’m really fucking myself over with this.
Bush: That other guy has a beard.
God:
Bush: I’m gonna call him ‘Beardy.’
Mephistopheles: FOCUS.  George.  I’m offering you a perfect presidency.  Every American goes to Heaven.  It’s the stupidest offer I’ve ever made.  Cost:  One soul.
Bush: Nope.
Mephistopheles: FUCK.
Mephistopheles, to himself: He’s good.
God: That’s not the word I would have used.

Tags: politics, religion, george w. bush, christianity, god, beardy, satan, mephistopheles, lucifer, chocolate-stained fingers

The turkey pardon is a White House tradition that dates to the Truman administration.
...
Pumpkin and the backup bird, Pecan—whom the president joked was being held in an “undisclosed location” just in case “the main act chickens out”—hail from Ellsworth, Iowa. They were chosen from more than 4,500 candidates based on their struts, wattles and personalities.

White House Senior Adviser: Doo-de-doo!  Let’s have a look at today’s to-do list.
White House Senior Adviser: “Prevent further deterioration of reeling economy, with knowledge that all statements and actions made by current administration officials, regardless of content, contribute to said deterioration of economy.”
White House Senior Adviser: “Attempt literally impossible negotiations of troop withdrawal in Iraq based on multiple incompatible semantic systems of ‘war,’ ‘occupation,’ etc.”
White House Senior Adviser: “Enact environment-related legislation that will immediately be overturned by the next administration.”
White House Senior Adviser: Hmmm.
Secretary to White House Senior Adviser: Sir?  Sorry, there’s a late addition to the to-do list.
White House Senior Adviser: “Travel to Iowan backwater; examine over 4500 turkeys; choose among them based on the criteria of struts, wattles, and personalities.”
White House Senior Adviser, softly, gratefully: Hell yes.

Tags: politics, george w. bush, turkeys, thanksgiving, democracy, iowan backwater

Bush said he plans to return to Texas after he leaves office January 20 and “may write a book” but otherwise has few plans.
...
Bush said he has begun to think about an outline for the book.

“I want people to know what it was like to make some of the decisions I had to make,” he said. “In other words, what was the moment like? And I’ve had one of those presidencies where I’ve had to make some tough calls, and I want people to know the truth about what it was like sitting in the Oval Office.”

You have been invited to the “October 1, 2002 EMERGENCY DECISION CHAT” conference chat with UncheneyMyHeart.  Do you accept? w
Error: Answer not recognized.  Do you accept? W
Error: Answer not recognized.  Do you accept? y

UncheneyMyHeart:  George.  Welcome.
the_w_is_for_win:  dick hows it goin
UncheneyMyHeart:  There is no time to waste.
the_w_is_for_win:  had kind of a slow day round here mself
UncheneyMyHeart:  The time for a decision on Iraq has come.
the_w_is_for_win:  hey did u get thuse lolcats i sent u
the_w_is_for_win:  friggin cat was givin a press confrence
the_w_is_for_win:  i was laughin fit 2 bust!!!!!
UncheneyMyHeart:  Um, sure.
UncheneyMyHeart:  The lollcats amused me most comprehensively.
the_w_is_for_win:  betimes it sure do get a touch lonely all up in here
UncheneyMyHeart:  George!
UncheneyMyHeart:  The commission that you appointed to explore our options on Iraq has released its findings.
UncheneyMyHeart:  To summarize, there are three ways forward.
the_w_is_for_win:  8?!?!
the_w_is_for_win:  aw heck
UncheneyMyHeart:  No, three.
the_w_is_for_win:  8
UncheneyMyHeart:  three = 3
the_w_is_for_win:  what in the crud hill is a =
UncheneyMyHeart:  3.  You have 3 options.
UncheneyMyHeart:  And here to present them is the host of “Fear Factor,” Joe Rogan.
JOEROGAN has entered the conference chat.
JOEROGAN:  GEORGE
JOEROGAN:  ARE YOU READY TO MAKE ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME DECISIONS OF YOUR LIFE
the_w_is_for_win:  aww heck yeah
the_w_is_for_win:  ima tell all my frinds i met joe rogan in the internet
JOEROGAN:  GEORGE, YOUR FIRST OPTION:  INVADE IRAQ…
JOEROGAN:  AND OVERTHROW THE TYRANNICAL DICTATOR THAT KILLED YOUR FATHER
UncheneyMyHeart:  Um.
the_w_is_for_win:  i hate that dude!!!!
UncheneyMyHeart:  You know what, never mind.
JOEROGAN:  YOUR SECOND OPTION:  SPEND A NIGHT…
JOEROGAN:  IN A CLOSET…
JOEROGAN:  FILLED WITH SCORPIONS…
JOEROGAN:  SUSPENDED TEN MILES ABOVE DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN
the_w_is_for_win:  dang!!!!!!????
JOEROGAN:  THOSE ARE YOUR OPTIONS
UncheneyMyHeart:  What happened to the third option?
JOEROGAN:  YOU SAID TWO OPTIONS
UncheneyMyHeart:  I said three.
the_w_is_for_win:  8
JOEROGAN:  FOR THE LOVE
JOEROGAN:  UM
JOEROGAN:  GEORGE, YOUR THIRD OPTION…
JOEROGAN:  IS TO EAT…
JOEROGAN:  FOUR TONS...
JOEROGAN:  OF UNCOOKED GOAT TESTICLES
the_w_is_for_win:  ewwwww
JOEROGAN:  HERE THEY ARE, IN A TRUCK
JOEROGAN is gesturing to a truck containing four tons of uncooked goat testicles.
UncheneyMyHeart:  Oh Jesus Christ.
the_w_is_for_win:  daggg
JOEROGAN:  TIME TO CHOOSE
the_w_is_for_win:  what were teh first option agin
JOEROGAN:  DECLARE WAR ON IRAQ AND TAKE VENGEANCE ON THE MAN WHO KILLED YOUR FATHER
the_w_is_for_win:  that dude gits me all riled up!!!!!!!
the_w_is_for_win:  i feel like thar were another item
JOEROGAN:  LIVE IN A CLOSET WITH SCORPIONS
the_w_is_for_win:  thats not 8
the_w_is_for_win:  oh wait, i forgot aboutn them texas oysters
UncheneyMyHeart:  George!  You must act now!
the_w_is_for_win:  heck i dont know
UncheneyMyHeart:  George, my God.
UncheneyMyHeart:  You are choosing among war, living with scorpions in a closet, and eating a physically infeasible quantity of uncooked goat testicles.
UncheneyMyHeart:  Choose war.
the_w_is_for_win:  well
the_w_is_for_win:  dick this is tough
the_w_is_for_win:  is therr any chance that a insight could be gleant from our sponsors
JOEROGAN:  EXCELLENT POINT
JOEROGAN:  WE’LL BE BACK AFTER THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

Tags: politics, george w. bush, conference chat, dick cheney, the oval office, joe rogan, texas oysters, closet of scorpions, fear factor, lolcats

On a cold, gray morning a week before Election Day, President Bush briefly emerged from the White House for an unannounced visit to the headquarters of the Republican National Committee in Southeast Washington.

Outside the RNC building, Bush continued to face record-low approval ratings and a presidential campaign focused on his failings. But inside an overflowing conference room, he was greeted with roaring applause as he urged his fellow Republicans to keep pushing for the finish line.
…
“Everybody kind of wanted to spend the last 100-plus days doing some legacy things, and the financial crisis has thrown a wrench into that,” said one prominent Republican who regularly talks with senior White House officials.

“You have a combination of no legacy stuff, a horrible economic mess and the likelihood that Obama is going to win,” this person added. “There is a real sadness there.”

REPUBLICAN PARTY MEMO (WHITE HOUSE CIRCULATION ONLY)

Ideas on how to spend about one-third of a year doing some legacy things for our out-going President, George W. Bush.

1. Take a trip to Florida. Stay with Jeb. Take a low-key motorcade into predominantly black areas. Steal some stuff (things to steal: the concepts of enfranchisement, democracy and eight yeas of history?). Action: Impossible. Darn finance meltdown thing too much of an obstacle. Also, can you steal a concept? Maybe.

2. Throw a party. Don’t invite: Kofi Annan, the French. Do invite: Hans Blix (ignore, tee hee!), Wall Street bankers (get them drunk), G.B Snr. Food ideas – no broccoli or pretzels.

3. Commission an aquatic-based, memorial theme park in New Orleans named W.aterW.orld. Have a ride called ‘waterboarding’. Action: No action, naturally.

4. Release one prisoner per month from Guantanamo, like Emperor Pontius Pilate does for Passover in Life of Brian. Pros: Makes G.W.B look like Roman Emperor. Cons: Could upset Christian Right.

5. Get 700 Billion out of Federal Reserve. Buy film-making equipment. Produce feature called ‘How I Jizzed Up Lots of Cash On My Buddies’. (Note: must stop Tony trying to suck off G.W.B again. Too risky with so many cameras around.)

Tags: politics, barack obama, george w. bush, republicans, financial crisis, legacy stuff

In the Roosevelt Room after the session, the Treasury secretary, Henry M. Paulson Jr., literally bent down on one knee as he pleaded with Ms. Pelosi not to “blow it up” by withdrawing her party’s support for the package over what Ms. Pelosi derided as a Republican betrayal.

“I didn’t know you were Catholic,” Ms. Pelosi said, a wry reference to Mr. Paulson’s kneeling, according to someone who observed the exchange. She went on: “It’s not me blowing this up, it’s the Republicans.”

Mr. Paulson sighed. “I know. I know.”

Office of the Press Secretary
September 25, 2008
PRIVATE CONSULTATION AMONG DEMOCRATS DURING RECESS FOLLOWING REPUBLICAN BAILOUT COUNTERPROPOSAL
THE ROOSEVELT ROOM
Partial Transcript.

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES MAJORITY LEADER NANCY PELOSI (D-CA.) [unintelligible]
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER HARRY REID (D-NV.) No, that was, that was fine, I thought
PELOSI I just feel like that could have been wittier.
REID [unintelligible]
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA (D-IL.) It was—I would say that was reasonably witty
REID It was very witty, I thought
PELOSI I didn’t want to say, you know, “Why, Hank, you know I’m a married woman.” I was pretty sure that wasn’t the thing to say.
OBAMA No, I don’t believe that would have gone over well.
PELOSI Yeah.
REID Yeah, it’d be like, “Hey, did you remember I was a woman?  Because I’m a woman.”
OBAMA There’d be a certain, um
REID “With great legs.”
PELOSI Yeah.  Yeah.
REID You did perfectly fine.
PELOSI [unintelligible]
REID I guess another option would have been, “I now dub you Sir Hank!” And touch him on the head with, with like an umbrella.
OBAMA [unintelligible]
REID “Sir Hank of the Bailout of, of Lehmania.”
PELOSI Too obvious.
REID You know what, I just don’t have it today.
OBAMA Alternatively, you could have said, “Hank, if you’re going to sell out your economic beliefs, and additionally ask me to sell out mine, along with the trust of those who appointed us to our respective positions—in my case a majority of Americans, in your case the President of the United States—all due to some last-minute Republican reneging—then you could at least go down on both knees.”
REID [unintelligible]
PELOSI That’s good.  That’s better than mine.  I knew there was a better one.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH I think it’s too bulky.
REID (agitated) Mr. President, you have to stop listening in on our huddles.

Tags: politics, barack obama, george w. bush, bailout, nancy pelosi, henry paulson, sir hank of the bailout of lehmania, harry reid, fake transcripts

Speaking in South Korea before he goes on to Beijing for the Olympics on Friday, Mr Bush said its pre-Olympics crackdown on dissent was “a mistake”.
...
“I have been meeting Chinese leaders for seven and a half years, and my message has been the same: you should not fear religious people in your society,” Mr Bush told reporters.

“As a matter of fact, religious people will make your society a better place. You ought to welcome people being able to express their minds.”
...
“This is an athletics event. But it’s also an opportunity to say to the Chinese people, we respect your traditions, we respect your history,” he said.

“The reason I’m going to the Olympics is twofold - one, to show my respect for the people of China, and two, to cheer on the US team.”

From South Korea Mr Bush goes to the Thai capital, Bangkok, where he is expected to address the issue of Burma. 

Draft speech for Bangkok, Thailand, August 8th 2008, written by and for US President, George W. Bush. Submitted to the Federal Government Speech-Writing Department for approval.

Mr Sundaravej, The government of Thailand and the Thai people, thank you for this opportunity to speak to you.

It is a momentous time for Asia. China is about to hold the Olympics, the economies are booming, kind of, and I am here. These are all good things.

But God is also punishing you with some really drunk weather and natural earthquakes. And God is also punishing the people of Burma. Mr Sunday-veg, your neighbor has a problem. It is not a free society. Not like your glorious democracy, previously headed by human rights expert Thaksin Shinawatra and now by yourself. Free societies are a good thing, like ours in the United States. Respect for human rights is also a good thing, as you all know. But they don’t know this in Burma.

They don’t know this in China either, where they should be more religious. They have recently had problems with Muslamic separatists, but they should love the Muslamic people, cherish them like we do in America. For Muslamic people are also people, and they know many things we don’t know. They, too, can express their minds. That’s why we’re so keen to find out what they know and what they don’t know. We can sell you information on water-boarding, for the right price.

But we respect China - it’s very big, I think - and we respect Thailand, because you’re not from Burma, I don’t think. However, we are going to WHIP YOUR ASSES in the Olympics! Oooooh yeah! We are going to SPANK YOU TILL YOU’RE SORE! GO AMERICA.

Thank you. God Bless. 

Response from Chief of Staff, Federal Government Speech-Writing Department to draft speech for President Bush, Bangkok, August 8th 2008.

Mr President,

Almost perfect. A few minor revisions necessary. My deputies will advise - I am on leave until January.

Tags: international relations, george w. bush, olympics, china, thailand, some really drunk weather, muslamic separatists, burma

The Bush Administration [...] has resisted specific time tables [...] Yet the administration appears for the first time to be prepared to contemplate an end to the U.S. military presence in Iraq. (President Bush still avers the term “time table”, opting for “time horizon”.)

To: Turd Blossom
From: Me.  The President.  George W. Bush. President Bush
Re: Other Stuff We Could Call It

Karl,
Been thinkin like you said about what else we could call time tables now that were gonna propose one. That is smart.  Weve been criticizing time tables so now if we proposed one weed look week.  So we change the name.  I like that.  Its a neat plan.

Anyways, I thought a some good ones. Any of these you like the best is fine with me they are all really good:

Time Fortress
Time Freedom
Time Family
Time Cannon (BOOM!  BOOM! Time Cannon!)
Time Ranger
Time Star Wars
Time Warrior
Time Angel (I thought Time Jesus, but this way we get Jews too! Do Muslims believe in angels?  Don’t know. Find out. Probably.  Scary angels.  That wood be a heck of a movie “Scary Muslim Angels”. Like on motorcycles or something? With those curved swords and they’re yelling like “YEE YEE YEE YEE!” and waving the swords? I love that movie).
Time Millionare
Time Speed
Time NASCAR
Time Superheroes
Time Sports
Time Barbecue Ribs
Time Explosion
Time Destiny (also, how pretty would that be for a girl’s name?  Im gonna call Jenna and Barbara and see if one of ems knocked up yet. Time Destiny Bush. That’s real pretty)
Time World War II
Time Mother’s Day
Time Waterfall
Time Horizon (This ones boring guess who picked it?  Yep. That’s what I get for asking the old man’s advice but mom said. No wonder his presidency was so much more boringer than mine)
Time Doo-doo (HA HA! Just seein if your payin attention!  I gotta go take a leek)

Signed,
President Bush

P.s. Time Leek!

Tags: politics, george w. bush, iraq, science-fiction-type words that sound awesome, euphemisms, karl rove, time horizon

President Bush has admitted to The Times that his gun-slinging rhetoric made the world believe that he was a “guy really anxious for war” in Iraq. He said that his aim now was to leave his successor a legacy of international diplomacy for tackling Iran.

In an exclusive interview, he expressed regret at the bitter divisions over the war and said that he was troubled about how his country had been misunderstood. “I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric.”

Phrases such as “bring them on” or “dead or alive”, he said, “indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace”. He said that he found it very painful “to put youngsters in harm’s way”.
...
“I’ve campaigned for change ever since I ran for office,” he noted, “except for 2004. Then I wasn’t for change.”

Man: Hi honey, I’m home!
Woman: Hello, dear. How did it go? You look as white as a sheet!
Man: Yes.
Woman: What happened?!
Man: It’s over.
Woman: What’s over? Darling, what’s going on?
Man: News.
Woman: Yes, what’s news? Did you get to interview him? What did he say that was newsworthy?
Man: News is over.
Woman: Sorry, dear, I don’t get it. Come and have a nice sit down.
Man: Yes.
Woman: So what’s up?
Man: My job is pointless.
Woman: You’ve just interviewed the President! How can your job be pointless? What did he say?
Man: Are you ready?
Woman: Of course!
Man: He said he thought the public view of him as a non-peaceful man was wrong. He said that he’s never been anxious for war.
Woman: But didn’t he once describe himself as a ‘war president?’
Man: What he actually said, in February 2004, was “I’m a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign policy matters with war on my mind.”
Woman: Oh.
Man: Yes.
Woman: Well then.
Man: Indeed.
Woman: So did you point this out to your readers in your piece?
Man: No. I wasn’t allowed to.
Woman: Oh.
Man: Yes.
Woman: Why not?
Man: Well, the boss brought up the example of that Monty Python sketch. You know, the one where someone discovers the funniest joke ever, and everyone who hears it instantly dies laughing. He said that, on a similar basis, if we were to analyse Bush’s comments, even a little bit, our circulation would instantly drop to zero.
Woman: Did he really say that?
Man: No. We signed a pre-interview contract preventing us from pointing out any of his - uh, how was it described? - ah yes, ‘massively hypocritical contradictions’.
Woman: Did the contract actually say that?
Man: Unfortunately yes.
Woman: So what are you going to do now, honey?
Man: Become a bus driver.
Woman: Probably a good idea.
Man: Yeah.
Woman: Cup of tea?
Man: Thank you.

Tags: politics, international relations, george w. bush, iraq, massively hypocritical contradictions

[President] Bush also attended with Israeli President Shimon Peres and Prime Minister Ehud Olmert an evening gala related to Israel’s 60th anniversary.

Olmert...embraced Bush at the event, telling him, “You are an unusual person. You are an unusual leader.  And you are an unusual friend of the people of Israel.”

Holding President Bush close in a burly Judeo-Christian man-hug, Olmert continued: “Also, you are an unusual connoisseur of fine ginger ales, which most people do not know about you but I think is really great.  You are an unusual choice for a Trivial Pursuit teammate.  You are unusually good at inventing cruel nicknames to remind ‘friends’ of their subordinate status—‘Shit-mon Per-ass,’ hahaha, that was great, I am really going to keep using that.  Earlier in the men’s room, I noticed that you have an unusually descended left testicle; is this the reason for your comical swagger? When you nap, you begin to suck on your lips like an innocent baby, and your Secret Service men are able to put an unusually hilarious array of tchotchkes in front of your mouth and boy do you suck right onto them as if they were Barbara Bush’s tsitskeh! Even after all these years, you have an unusually hard time keeping straight which of us are the Jews and which the Arabs, even after I taught you the handy rule ‘if he has silly facial hair, he is probably an Arab.’ And lastly, you bear an unusually striking resemblance to a spritely marmot named Ting-Ling that featured prominently in the recurring night-terrors of my youth.”

Moving his shoulders up and down briskly, Bush responded, “Thanks, Prime Minister Oldfart.” He added: “Heh heh heh.”

Tags: international relations, george w. bush, israel, a spritely marmot named ting-ling, ehud olmert

A number of countries have offered to bring in aid and deliver it from the south, by ship, but the [Burmese] junta has adamantly refused. One of the generals’ most enduring fears is a seaborne invasion by Western powers it refers to as “foreign saboteurs.”

“These guys really believe we are planning an invasion,” [U.S. diplomat Shari] Villarosa said. The United States said this week that several of its military ships were in the area and ready to provide help in Myanmar. “It’s nuts! We’re not! But if they hear that a large U.S. ship is off the coast, they don’t receive the message that it’s a genuine humanitarian effort,” she said.

You have been invited to a conference chat with MyShariVillarosaAmour. Do you accept? Y

MyShariVillarosaAmour: hello generals
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: Hello,
MyShariVillarosaAmour: i was really hoping we could discuss the logistics of aid delivery
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: We do not trust your supplies,
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: We are aware you are planning an invasion of Myanmar,
MyShariVillarosaAmour: omg i can’t believe we’re still discussing this
MyShariVillarosaAmour: we are NOT planning an invasion.  okay?
MyShariVillarosaAmour: you know what
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: Do not play games on the government of Myanmar,
MyShariVillarosaAmour: it’s extremely classified, but i don’t even care anymore
MyShariVillarosaAmour: look at this:
MyShariVillarosaAmour wants to send troops_for_deploym_may08.CLASSIFIEDL4.xls.
MyShariVillarosaAmour has sent troops_for_deploym_may08.CLASSIFIEDL4.xls.
MyShariVillarosaAmour: we have like ten remaining troops available for deployment
MyShariVillarosaAmour: we couldn’t invade you guys even if we wanted to
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: Wow, This is crazy,
MyShariVillarosaAmour: it’s completely batsh*t
BURMESEJUNTACHAT has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: You guys are really fuced,
MyShariVillarosaAmour: so. can we drop off aid?
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: This is awsome,
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: Yes, that is totally fine,
MyShariVillarosaAmour: thank god
President_george_w_bush has entered the conference chat.
MyShariVillarosaAmour: so: let’s talk logistics
MyShariVillarosaAmour: omg what are you doing here.
President_george_w_bush: MISSION ACOMPLISHED
MyShariVillarosaAmour has been censored by the chat administrator.
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: President Bush !!!?
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: Declaring a Mission Acomplished war !!!?
MyShariVillarosaAmour has been censored by the chat administrator.
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: We knew it !!!?
BURMESEJUNTACHAT: We will not accept your attempts at sabotage !!!?
BURMESEJUNTACHAT has left the conference chat.
MyShariVillarosaAmour has been censored by the chat administrator.
President_george_w_bush: WOOPS WRONG CHAT
President_george_w_bush: HEH LOL
MyShariVillarosaAmour: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU
President_george_w_bush: I THOUGH TIHS WAS A FUNDRASIER
MyShariVillarosaAmour: that was the F*CKING government of myanmar
President_george_w_bush: WTF IS A MYNMAR
President_george_w_bush: IS TAHT LIKE MYSPACE
MyShariVillarosaAmour: no it’s the country where the cyclone hit last week
MyShariVillarosaAmour: your wife gave a speech about it
MyShariVillarosaAmour: tens of thousands of people dying of hunger and thirst
President_george_w_bush: OHHH
President_george_w_bush: THEN WE GOTTA HELP EM
President_george_w_bush: LISTEN IVE GOT ABOUT 300 POUNDS OF LETFOVER BBQ FROM JENNABEARS WEDDING
President_george_w_bush: ILL GET CONDI TO SHIP IT OVER
MyShariVillarosaAmour: mr. president, they’re buddhists, for god’s sake
President_george_w_bush: WELL I DONT SEE WHAT THAT MEANS THEY CANT ENJOY A NICE TENDER DRUMSTCIK
MyShariVillarosaAmour:
MyShariVillarosaAmour: i really didn’t think this situation could get any sadder.

President_george_w_bush: WHICH KNID OF SAUCE SHOULD WE SEND
President_george_w_bush: DO THEY LIKE HOT FOODS OVER THERE

Tags: george w. bush, international affairs, myanmar, mission accomplished, is taht like myspace

The Bush administration has not found disaster recovery files for White House e-mails from a three-month time period in 2003, according to court documents filed this week, raising the possibility that messages sent before and after the invasion of Iraq may never be recovered.
...
The administration also said it is still searching computer archives for e-mails that have been filed in the wrong “digital drawer.” In addition, [White House chief information officer Theresa] Payton and other officials have said that any e-mails missing from the White House archiving system might still be available on disaster recovery tapes.

*Update*
Wednesday, May 7, 2008, 10:56pm

After weeks of working to crack the passwords that had been blocking access to the “digital drawers” in which months of crucial White House emails had been stored—inadvertently, as the administration claimed—IT worker Steve Blevin made a breakthrough.  “I started thinking, it might take the computers weeks or even years to try all the possible combinations,” said Bremer, 22. 

“I figured, while that was going on, it wouldn’t hurt [to take a different approach], so I thought I’d try to get into the mindset of whoever it was who wanted to hide these documents. One day after lunch I typed in ‘Anakin’ as a joke, and a whole digital file popped open.  After that, things got pretty easy.” According to another staffer who refused to be identified, some of the codes successfully used to open the hidden files included 1ex1uthor, MeGaTrOn, B0wserrR, Sk3l3t0r, and a bevy of alphanumerical variations on “HailLordVoldemort.”

White House chief information officer Theresa Payton confirmed that several missing files had been recovered, but said that it might be several days before their nature can be divulged, following a security check on the contents.

*Update*
Thursday, May 8, 12:35pm

Unconfirmed reports from the White House have cast more light on the contents of the missing emails recently uncovered by White House IT personnel.  According to a source, the files found so far include several dozen recipes forwarded from the account of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby Jr., then the Vice President’s Chief of Staff, to Lynne.Cheney@hotmail.com; a series of emails sent from Vice President Dick Cheney to himself that appear to chronicle an evolving list of Tetris high scores; and an exchange between Cheney and then–Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove that contains drafts for lyrics of a rap co-featuring Land Rova and DJ Evil C.

Said White House spokesperson Dana Petrino, “I am not aware of the contents of any emails recovered off the archive servers, but I can tell you that if they did include recipes, the contents of those recipes would most likely be classified.” When asked to confirm rumors that the emails included Cindy McCain’s secret recipe for Lemon Bars Supreme, Petrino attempted to steer the conversation back to Guantanamo Bay.

Tags: politics, george w. bush, dick cheney, national security, sk3l3t0r, lemon squares

Q ...Have you been briefed on tomorrow’s GDP numbers, and are you concerned—

THE PRESIDENT: No, I haven’t been.

Q Okay—and are you concerned that they will show us to officially be in a recession?

THE PRESIDENT: I think they’ll show that we’re—it’s a very slow economy. I can’t guess what the number will be, and I haven’t been shown, truly.

God, appearing suddenly, over the rows of reporters, in a cloudburst visible only to the president: George!  The number is 42! It’s 42.

President Bush:

God, waving arms: Helloooooo.  George it’s 42.  George!

President Bush, repeating himself for emphasis, staring resolutely into the distance: I can’t guess what the number is.

God: George George George.  It’s on this sign!  Look, I’m showing you this sign.  42.  Look look look at what I’m showing you.  George.

President Bush: And I haven’t been shown.

God:

President Bush: Truly.

God:

President Bush:

God: I guess my credibility is a little bit tarnished since the whole Iraq thing.

Tags: politics, religion, george w. bush, iraq, god, 42

Many Iraqi politicians are closely monitoring the American presidential race, and some said the visit bolstered their belief that if Mr. McCain, of Arizona, succeeded President Bush in the November election, the American military would have a large presence in Iraq for a very long time.
...
Mrs. Clinton’s advisers said she would also take on Mr. McCain for a recent comment in which he said American troops could be in the country for 100 years.

Mr. McCain has defended that comment, made at a town hall meeting earlier this year in New Hampshire, arguing that he did not mean they would still be fighting but simply maintaining a presence in the region.

You have been invited to a conference chat with Raising_McCain. Do you accept? y
Raising_McCain: HILARY
Raising_McCain: HOWS TEH CAMPAIGN
thatshillaryous1026: its going well
Raising_McCain: THATS NICE
Raising_McCain: LETS STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH
thatshillaryous1026: lol
thatshillaryous1026: and lets start just beating bush!!!!
thatshillaryous1026: ;)
thatshillaryous1026: like president bush
Raising_McCain: UM, SURE
thatshillaryous1026: lol…
Raising_McCain: ...
Raising_McCain: YOUR ADVISERS NEED TO STOP TALKING TRASH
thatshillaryous1026: whats that supposed 2 mean
Raising_McCain: THE “100 YEARS” THING
Raising_McCain: AMERICAN TROOPS, IRAQ, 100 YEARS, BLAH BLAH
thatshillaryous1026: oh that
Raising_McCain: THE POINT IS:
Raising_McCain: THERES A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FIGHTING AND MAINTAINING A PRESENCE
Raising_McCain: LIKE THE TROOPS COULD BE IN IRAQ JUST SORT OF HELPING OUT
thatshillaryous1026: umm
Raising_McCain: YOU KNOW
Raising_McCain: LIKE LEGISLATING CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM FOR IRAQIS
Raising_McCain: ADVOCATING STATES RIGHTS ON CONTROVERSIAL SOCIAL ISSUES
thatshillaryous1026: that really doesnt sound like our troops
thatshillaryous1026: theyre better @ shooting stuff
thatshillaryous1026: actully that sounds more like u!!! rotfl
Raising_McCain: SETTING UP A REALLY GOOD BARBEQUE SHACK
Raising_McCain: LIKE, REALLY GOOD
thatshillaryous1026: waaaaait a minute
thatshillaryous1026: omg
thatshillaryous1026: john u totally r going 2 move 2 iraq!!
Raising_McCain: WHAT
thatshillaryous1026: like for good!!
Raising_McCain: NO
thatshillaryous1026: it all makes sense!!!
Raising_McCain: I AM DEFINATELY NOT PLANNING A COUP WITH THE AID OF HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF LOYAL AMERICAN TROOPS
Raising_McCain: IF THATS WHAT YOURE SUGGESTING
thatshillaryous1026: its “definitely”
Raising_McCain: WHATEVER
thatshillaryous1026: didnt u even buy a house there???
Raising_McCain: ITS A VACATION HOME
thatshillaryous1026: its in like downtown baghdad
Raising_McCain: THE WARM CLIMATE SUSTAINS MY SCALY ECTOTHERMIC BODY
thatshillaryous1026: ...
thatshillaryous1026: dick cheney are u sitting behind john right now telling him what 2 type
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
thatshillaryous1026: stop typing swears
Raising_McCain: POOOOOPP
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
Raising_McCain has been censored by the Chat Administrator.
Raising_McCain: I HAVE TO GO LEGISTLATE SOMETHING OKAY BYE
Raising_McCain has left the conference chat.
thatshillaryous1026: john please dont go
thatshillaryous1026: ur…
thatshillaryous1026: ur my only freind

thatshillaryous1026: barack still wont play teh appropriations bill drinking game with me

Tags: politics, john mccain, george w. bush, conference chat, hillary clinton, iraq, war, a really good barbeque shack

[Clinton strategists Mark] Penn and [Mandy] Grunwald engaged in a 15-minute squabble that later made it into the media over which ad to run in Virginia. He wanted an ominous one called “Freefall” that warned of bad economic times, while she wanted one called “Can Do” featuring the candidate talking against patriotic music about solving problems. [Political director Guy] Cecil grew so exasperated, he stood up and left. “This is ridiculous,” he said, according to people in the room, “You guys need to grow up. You’re acting like kids. I’ve got work to do.”

Guy Cecil: Thanks for coming, everyone.  I don’t need to tell you that Virginia is looking pretty bleak for us right now, and
Mark Penn: [has hand in the air]
Mandy Grunwald: [also has hand in the air]
GC:
MP, straining to put hand even higher in the air, muttering: call me call on me call me please please call me please
MG: hillary. hillary. hillary-y-y-y-y. hillary i have a great idea. hillaryhillaryhillaryhillaryhillary
MP: THAT’S NOT FAIR I WAS FIRST. HILLARY I WAS FIRST YOU SAW I WAS FIRST.
Hillary Clinton: Mark, what is it.
MP: i think we should run a commercial.
MG: [exhales loudly and with exasperation]
HC:
GC: Yes, there’s no doubt that we should step up our ad presence in Virginia.
MP: yeah yeah yeah and, and in the commercial, we could have, like
MG: [is eating skittles]
MP:
MG:
MP: I THOUGHT WE WEREN’T ALLOWED TO EAT IN MEETINGS
HC: Mandy, please put those away.
MG, muttering: you always take his side.
MP: okay we should do a commercial with president bush, where he’s like, blah blah blah, i’m so terrible, and… and he looks really ugly, and his nose has boogers coming out.
GC:
HC:
MP: this commercial is named “Free Fall,” and… it’s also about the becomony.
MG: MY TURN i think we should have a commercial where hillary looks really PRETTY, and, and she’s talking about how she’s going to fix EVERYTHING, and it’s called “CAN DO,” and i think there should be a WHOLE TEAM OF PONIES.
MP: IT’S NOT YOUR TURN YET
MG: YOU’RE JUST MAD BECAUSE EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE A DORK
MP, beginning to cry: MR. C MANDY CALLED ME THE D-WORD
MG: MR. CE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ECIL
GC, standing up and leaving: This is ridiculous. You guys need to grow up. You’re acting like kids. I’ve got work to do.
MG:
MP:
HC: “Free Fall,” you say.
MP: she started it.

Tags: politics, john mccain, george w. bush, hillary clinton, mark penn, guy cecil, mandy grunwald