Eighty percent of women say they’re unhappy with their appearance, and 67% of women ages 25 to 45 are trying to shed pounds—though 53% of those women are already at a healthy weight. The report also cited a study in which 69% of the respondents (18 and older) said they were in favor of plastic surgery—a 7% increase from 2006.

With the media playing a larger role in our daily lives, young girls are more susceptible to low self-esteem—based on beauty ideals—than ever before and are subject to greater harassment. “The use of aggressive bullying between girls has been on the rise since the early 1990s, based on issues such as physical attributes and social status,” states one study. According to another: “Mean girls . . . often don’t grow out of the behavior and they become adult women who exhibit the same behavior.” And we thought trash-talking on the basketball court was bad.

An apartment common room.  Dave is reading Sports Illustrated on the couch, his eyes red and unhappy.  Brad enters.

Dave, attempting to conceal the magazine under his person: Oh.  Hey Brad.
Brad: What’s happening, dogg.
Dave: I’m just, uh—yeah, just kind of hanging out.
Brad: What’s that you got there.
Dave: It’s noth—I mean, got what?  I don’t have anything.
Dave, with sudden anger: WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET OFF MY CASE.
Brad: Dogg.  You have to stop reading Sports Illustrated.
Dave:
Brad:
Dave: I am never going to have a decent jump shot.
Brad crosses to the couch and puts his arm around Dave, whose chin is quivering.
Brad, with quiet vehemence: Those guys are idiots.  You hear me?  You have a great jumper.  Most guys can’t even dream of having your jumper.
Dave, choking back tears with huge gulping sounds: Yeah.  No, I know.  Yeah.
Brad: Dave, I found this on the kitchen counter.
Brad produces a plastic surgery brochure.
Dave shakes his head helplessly.
Brad, softly: Dave, these cost tens of thousands of dollars.  And they’re not gonna help you make a prettier layup.  All they do is put collagen in your wrists—Dave, the guys on the court are gonna know.
Dave, almost inaudibly: It’s worth it.
Brad: It’s NOT worth it.
Brad: Dave.  Listen to me.  Eighty percent of men are unhappy with their crossover dribble.
Dave: [unintelligible]
Brad: Eighty percent.  And 67% are working on a more effective crossover—even though 53% already have an optimal crossover for their height and weight.
Dave:
Brad: Just promise me you’ll think about this before doing something you might regret.  Promise me.
Dave:
Brad:

The next day, on the court.
Pickup Basketball Player Number One: Dave!  Man!  Your three-point percentage is wack.
Pickup Basketball Player Number Two: Yeah, it’s all wack and shi—
Brad, furiously: DON’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO HIM.
Pickup Basketball Players:
Brad: DON’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ALL OF US.

Tags: sports, basketball, gender wars, sports illustrated, body image

Pamela Madsen knows a thing or two about getting pregnant.
…
Here are a few things Madsen said she did right while going through infertility treatments.

Jake Klowsky knows a thing or two about getting girls pregnant. He did it twice this week.

Here are a few things Klowsky said he did right while getting girls pregnant.

1. Pepper Bombs. “A pepper bomb is an alcoholic shooter made of Dr. Pepper, Jägermeister, and – the magic ingredient – Clamato, which is clam and tomato juice,” stated Klowsky. “It might seem weird, but they say that clams are an aphrodisiac. Plus, after tasting clam juice suddenly kissing my face doesn’t seem so repulsive. I’ve had girls lick the inside of my mouth just to get rid of that awful Clamato taste. I don’t even floss, man.”

2. Probability. “They say that condoms only work 99% of the time,” Klowsky remarked. “Therefore, if you have sex 100 times, one of those times will result in a pregnancy. Have sex 1000 times and babies will just start popping out of wherever. Add a few Pepper Bombs into the mix and somebody is bound to get preggers before the sun comes up. I mean, I’m not making this up. Those are just the odds.”

3. No hot tubs. “Seriously lowers your sperm count.”

4. No tight underwear. “Not very flattering for my figure. And if I don’t feel sexy, I feel like girls pick up on that, you know? You just have to own it, and if you aren’t feeling your base layer, that’s going to shine through. Girls are very intuitive creatures. Even after a few rounds of Pepper Bomb pong you’d be surprised what they can pick up on.”

5. Do your best not to get the girl pregnant. “Trust me. It’s like Murphy’s Law or something. Or actually maybe it is more like that part in The Matrix with the spoon. Like, there is no spoon. You know, I tell myself, Man, I’m so glad my girlfriend is NOT pregnant, and then it’s like, Whoa, my girlfriend IS pregnant. Uteruses are just crazy like that.

Tags: science, gender wars, jake klowsky, a guy we made up, probability, pregnancy, condoms, pepper bombs