The difficulties the French have in pronouncing the letter ‘h’ landed the country’s foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner, in hot water.

Israeli media quoted the minister as saying Israel ‘will eat’ Iran if the Islamic Republic gained possession of nuclear weapons, prompting Kouchner’s office to issue a statement of clarification on Sunday.

Kouchner wanted to say in an interview given in English that Israel would ‘hit’ Iran if it developed nuclear weapons.

[from the Official Instruction Manual for French Foreign Ministers, 2nd English edition, Page 342]

IV. Public Statements to Foreign Newspapers

  A) Always make your remarks in English, so as to prevent any confusion with the foreign press’s translation.
  B) If at all possible, do not use words starting with the letter “h.”
    i. Additionally, avoid using any of the following words:
      a) bit
      b) hate
      c) think
      d) crepe
      e) sheet
      f) pommes frites
  C) Foreign Office employees are no longer permitted to hold “Pink Panther” marathons in the office during work hours.

Tags: international relations, israel, iran, france, hungry jews, comical misunderstandings, inspector clouseau

When Julie Peterson decided to have a baby on her own two years ago, she picked a tall, blond, blue-eyed Danish engineer as a sperm donor to match her own Scandinavian heritage. But when she went back to the sperm bank to use the same donor to have another child, she was stunned to discover that the federal government had made it impossible.

“I just cried,” said Peterson, 43, who lives in North Carolina. “I was in complete shock. I hadn’t thought about anything but having another baby with this donor. It was just so surprising and bewildering. ... Now I have a beautiful Viking baby, which is what I wanted. I was hoping to give her a full sibling.”

The Peterson household, 2025.  Young Jean-Baptiste comes running into his mother’s room, his eyes red and streaming.

Jean-Baptiste: Maman!  Maman!
Julie, icily: What.
Jean-Baptiste: Maman, it is Brunhilde... Maman, she has maked in my room again un feu.
Julie: Perhaps it is because you have invited it, with your weakness.
Julie: Perhaps it is because you lack Viking blood.
The fire alarm goes off.
Jean-Baptiste, timorously: I do not want to be a Viking, I am a chrétien... I want to make a life of service to Jesus, in a monastère... a chateau de Dieu…
Julie stands, trembling, apoplectic with rage.
Julie: Your God is false and weak.  The single eye of Odin sees all.
Brunhilde, entering suddenly, clad in furs and wielding an elk carcass: Cringing scoundrels!  Where is the treasonous fire alarm?  I crave to smash it.
Julie: Wretch, help your sister destroy the fire alarm.
Jean-Baptiste: I… I am faint with hunger… I seek fromage...
Brunhilde: YOU SHALL BE SUSTAINED BY MEAD AND ELKFLESH, OR YOU SHALL DIE.
Brandishing the elk carcass, Brunhilde chases Jean-Baptiste from the room.  Julie Peterson gazes bitterly after them.
Julie, aloud, to herself: Why, oh why, did I settle for the freely available French sperm.

Tags: science, international relations, france, vikings, denmark, sperm, elkflesh

[Carla] Bruni talks in the book for the first time of her whirlwind romance, past lovers and her recording career. She describes the dinner party last November where she was invited as a blind date for the newly divorced President [Nicolas Sarkozy].

“It all happened suddenly. I wasn’t expecting someone so funny, so full of life. I was seduced by his physique and his intelligence,” she says. “He has five or six brains which are remarkably irrigated.”

When asked to clarify her statement, Bruni leaned back and began to count on her impeccably manicured fingers.  “Well, there is of course his political mind, that is brain number one.  And his sensitivity, the way he treats a woman!—that is number two.  Brain three would have to be his masterful ability at backgammon.  And numbers four through six, of course, are his penis and so-cute little butt.”

After a lengthy silence, Ms Bruni continued.  “Perhaps you are confused that those would only count for brains four and five?  But I give extra credit, because, well… you know.”

Tags: politics, france, love, carla bruni, brains four through six, nicolas sarkozy