”’You can’t go 0-16 and expect to keep your job,’’ Marinelli said at a news conference.

The Lions completed their winless season with a loss to Green Bay on Sunday, pushing aside Tampa Bay’s 1976 season of 0-14 as the league’s worst.

Marinelli, though, said the team was not the worst ever in his opinion because the players didn’t quit, pout or point fingers.

Indeed, a spokesman for the National Football League revealed Monday that Commissioner Roger Goodell is considering a new playoff system that blends win-loss record with a host of other factors, including good sportsmanship.  He concluded, “You take the Lions, arguably the worst football team of all time, and you see bunch of losers, yes, but also guys who understand how to suck with class.  That ought to count for something.”

Under the proposed system, a team’s losses would be buoyed by the volume of its United Way commercials and photo opportunities with children in wheelchairs.  Conversely, wins would be balanced by variables such as “conspicuous consumption” and “douchebaggery” aggregated on a team level.  Explained Goodell, “In that scenario, any team giving a salary to an attention-whoring toxin such as Terrell Owens would immediately be eliminated from the playoffs.”

He added, “Thank God.”

Tags: sports, football, the worst football team of all time, detroit lions, 0-16, douchebaggery

As the [Dallas Cowboys] struggle in the final month of the season to simply make the playoffs, wide receiver Terrell Owens has expressed resentment toward Tony Romo, apparently jealous of the quarterback’s relationship with tight end Jason Witten.

Owens thinks Romo and Witten—close friends and road roommates who came to Dallas in the same offseason—hold private meetings and create plays without including Owens, according to a source who speaks regularly with Owens’ teammates.

The Dallas Cowboys practice facility.

Terrell Owens, glumly: That Tony Romo and Jason Witten think they’re so great.
Terrell Owens: Holding private meetings and whatnot.
Terrell Owens: Not letting me into their stupid lame-ass club.
Fellow Dallas Wide Receiver Patrick Crayton: T.O. whyont we formate a club
Terrell Owens: Crayton.  Shut your mouth.
Patrick Crayton, chastened: I just thought for the purposities of drawin up plays what would favor our playmakin abilitudes
Terrell Owens: What the hell kind of play do you run with two wide receivers and no quarterback, Crayton.
Patrick Crayton: Uhhhh
Patrick Crayton: Flea-flickin.
Terrell Owens: Crayton, I’m about to backhand you so hard
Tony Romo approaches.
Tony Romo: Hey guys.
Terrell Owens, icily: Romo.
Patrick Crayton: #9 Tony Romo, hows it hangin
Tony Romo: T.O., Witten and I have been talking about our club.
Terrell Owens: Your club?
Tony Romo: Cowboyz-II-Cowmen 4 Life.
Terrell Owens: This is the first time I’ve heard about this club.
Tony Romo: Yeah, we have a club, where we meet in secret and draw up special plays that only we know about.
Patrick Crayton: T.O. what are you talkin bout you were just bellyachin to me bout that dang club
Terrell Owens: OMG CRAYTON WHY WILL YOU NOT SHUT UP
Tony Romo: Um, yeah.
Tony Romo: Anyway, T.O., Witten and I agree—our club needs a wide receiver.
Terrell Owens: You mean that?
Tony Romo: I do.
Terrell Owens: Dag.  Well, Tony, I’m —
Tony Romo: So we were wondering if you could ask Crayton if he’d join.

Jason WItten, from behind a nearby weight machine: TEE HEE HEE HEE
Jason Witten: COWBOYZ-II-COWMEN STRIKES AGAIN
Jason Witten: I MEAN STRIKE

Tags: sports, football, tony romo, patrick crayton, cow-men 4 life, terrell owens, jason witten, secret clubs, dallas cowboys

Last night, we received a call from people that are closest to [Tennessee Titans quarterback] Vince [Young] informing us that he had left his house in a state of mind that had them concerned; and that he was unreachable, having left his cell phone at the house. Not having all the facts available to us and approaching the matter prudently, we contacted Metro Police to make them aware of the situation and asked for their assistance in locating Vince.

FACTS AVAILABLE TO JEFF FISHER AND THE TITANS
Vince Young sprained his left knee late in the Titans’ win on Sunday.
Vince Young was supposed to have an MRI on that knee Monday, but opted not to.
Vince Young spent time with a psychologist earlier that evening.
The psychologist felt that Vince Young was very depressed.
Sometimes, depressed people experience fluctuations in appetite.
Vince Young has proven to be a somewhat emotional player in his three years in Tennessee.
Vince Young left his house so suddenly on Monday night he forgot his cell phone.
When stressed, sometimes people turn to food for comfort.
As a professional athlete, Vince Young is generally a pretty hungry guy.

FACT NOT AVAILABLE TO JEFF FISHER AND THE TITANS
While police, team officials, and loved ones made phone calls and searched the streets of Nashville, Vince Young was with friends at Steve McNair’s office, watching football and eating chicken wings.

Tags: sports, football, vince young, nashville, tennessee titans, jeff fisher, steve mcnair, chicken wings

San Diego Chargers running back and former league MVP, LaDainian Tomlinson, tackles his own workday while refueling on Campbell’s Chunky soup in the appropriately titled “Working Day” campaign ... “Hard-working men and women know that they can look to a soup like Chunky Beef with Country Vegetables to get satisfied with lean meat protein and hearty vegetables,” said Campbell’s Chunky soup Brand Manager Doug Brand.
...
“Working Day” is set in LT’s office—100 yards of grass in a packed stadium—where he’ll put in a hard day’s work facing run-ins with co-workers (defensive players), pleasing his boss (Coach Turner) ... not to mention getting noticed by the people ‘at the top’ (fans), all before he refuels on the lean meat protein in Chunky Steak ‘N’ Potato soup.

From the notebook of: Campbell’s Chunky™ soup Brand Manager Doug Brand™

NOTES for LaDainian Tomlinson “Working day” campaign
LT = hardworking man
---> like at a job!
uhhhh
LT’s job should be compared to… other people’s jobs ???
YES
analogs needed:

LT -> average american worker
playing a game with a ball for money -> job
coach -> boss
stadium -> office
parking lot -> smaller parking lot
other football players -> co-workers whose job it is to leap on you and pin you to the ground
fans -> “people at the top” to whom you are presumably subordinate and yet they are the ones paying hundreds and thousands of dollars to watch you staple things or drive a forklift
goalposts -> the fax machine
cheerleaders -> pornography downloaded to office computer in folder misleadingly (and, on contemplation, incriminatingly) titled, “pictures of the kids”
celebratory halftime squadron of helicopters that fire real missiles at stuff -> the time Herb Accounts-Payable from accounting couldn’t get the vending machine to dispense a bag of skittles and instead knocked it over, incurring a hernia and creating a minor electrical fire
...

this idea is awesome

all that remains is to consult the campbells Chunky Checklist™ ad campaign checklist:
RELATABLE: CHECK
FOOTBALL: CHECK
‘HARDWORKING” EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO THE PREPARATION OF FOOD: CHECK

Tags: sports, football, the preferred burgoo of super bowl loser donovan mcnabb, campbells soup, san diego chargers, campbells chunky soup brand manager doug brand, ladainian tomlinson

When he was an active player, it was easy to admire [retiring German goalkeeper] Oliver Kahn, but it was very hard to love him...for Oliver Kahn, football was never a game and, as he has said on numerous occasions, he never really enjoyed himself on a football pitch.
...
[I]n 1999, he grabbed Dortmund’s Andreas Möller by the ear, delivered a kung-fu styled kick aimed at Stephane Chapuisat and then pretended to bite Heiko Herrlich in the neck - all in one game.

You have been invited to a conference chat with OLI_THE_GOALIE.  Do you accept? n
You have been invited to a conference chat with OLI_THE_GOALIE.  Do you accept? n
You have been invited to a conference chat with OLI_THE_GOALIE.  Do you accept? y

OLI_THE_GOALIE: WHy you did not accept the chat Michael Rensing?
SimplyGutRensing: it was a typo
OLI_THE_GOALIE: I have been watching you in the TV
OLI_THE_GOALIE: ANd I am quite displeased actualy!!!
OLI_THE_GOALIE: If you want to follow in the footsteps of OLI KAHN YOU MUST PLAY DIFFERENT
SimplyGutRensing: actually i have not given up a goal in 423 minutes of play
OLI_THE_GOALIE: FOOTBALL IS NOT A GAME
OLI_THE_GOALIE: You cannot just be PLAYING AROUND out there!!@
OLI_THE_GOALIE: I did not see you give to anyone a bite
SimplyGutRensing: i am trying to develop my own style
OLI_THE_GOALIE: YOu did not even take the knuckles and rub them into a mans head
OLI_THE_GOALIE: On a day in 1999 I achieved the most professional “trick of the hat” of all time:
OLI_THE_GOALIE: Kick, Bite, Grab An Ear
OLI_THE_GOALIE: DO YOU THINK I ENJOYED THIS???
SimplyGutRensing: so far we are undefeated without this antics
OLI_THE_GOALIE: UNdefeated, perhaps
OLI_THE_GOALIE: BUt also very decadent I think
SimplyGutRensing: i have to go practice
OLI_THE_GOALIE: Practice pummeling a mans stomach with your elbows?
SimplyGutRensing: no
OLI_THE_GOALIE: Raking the fingernails along a buttock like atiger??
SimplyGutRensing: no
OLI_THE_GOALIE: Implementing the Javanese FLying Squirrel??
SimplyGutRensing: i dont even know what that is
OLI_THE_GOALIE: >:0
OLI_THE_GOALIE: I have failed you as a teacher.
OLI_THE_GOALIE has kneed you in the eyeball.
SimplyGutRensing: owwwww
SimplyGutRensing: how is this even possible to do in a chat

Tags: sports, conference chat, football, raking the fingernails along a buttock like a tiger, fc bayern, oliver kahn, germany

When [Sidney] Crosby gets to the television remote first, he clicks madly from channel to channel. It drives road roommate Colby Armstrong mad.
...
Armstrong drags a reporter over to Crosby and announces loudly that he wants to do the interview over, that he’s going to reveal Sid’s affection for Chandler on “Friends.” Crosby interrupts, revealing that not only does Armstrong love “Ellen” but he also likes to dance along to her show opening.
...
For every comment Armstrong makes about the size of Crosby’s butt ("It’s kind of big"), Crosby will chide his friend about the way he eats and the noises he makes when he sleeps.

Jonathan Papelbon has been in the shower for forty-five minutes. To road companion Manny Delcarmen, this is nothing new. “It’s always like, don’t make me come in after you!” laughs the Boston reliever. “Cause I’ll do it!” Delcarmen becomes more somber: “But seriously, it’s really not good for his skin.”
From the shower, Papelbon retorts: “Like he knows what he’s doing with his skin. He doesn’t even exfoliate.”

Strolling through a colorful SoHo outdoor market, Steelers tight end Heath Miller oohs and ahs at an array of afghans—but road “partner” Ben Roethlisberger is having none of it.  “You already have, like, ten afghans,” the young quarterback and team leader reminds his friend. “You always forget that you have all these freaking afghans back home.” Miller pouts: “But I want one.”

Over a delicious homemade macchiato in his downtown loft, 7’3” Lithuanian center Zydrunas Ilgauskas confides quietly that fellow Cavalier LeBron James “is a terrible listener.”

Tags: sports, basketball, football, baseball, gay, hockey, lebron james, heath miller, zydrunas ilgauskas, ben roethlisberger, sidney crosby, jonathan papelbon, colby armstrong, manny delcarmen