Copies of LittleBigPlanet are being recalled from shops worldwide after it emerged that a background music track contained two phrases from the Koran.
...
“We decided to do a global recall to ensure that there was no possible way anyone may be offended by the music in the game,” said a Sony spokesman.
...
In June 2007, Sony apologised to the Church of England after setting scenes in a violent video game inside Manchester Cathedral. On that occasion the game was not withdrawn.

and don’t forget these other exciting releases from sony!

Halo: Extremity of Discomfort. The latest incarnation of the record-settingly popular sci-fi series Halo, this installment is the first to obey the Qur’anic injunction against all representational image-making.  No more shall you suffer the blasphemous idolatry of humanoid gun-toting characters!  Or chairs!  Instead, guide the big red square through the pulsing little yellow dots.  “Shoot” the rotating fronds of the black and orange thing.  Use the hour-long, fully abstract cut scenes as an opportunity for prayer.  Allahu akbar.

Vicar Assault 3. In this game, your only objective is to assault a vicar.

Tags: entertainment, religion, islam, church of england, video games, sony, halo, littlebigplanet

24-year-old musician and mother-to-be [Ashlee Simpson] stopped in with her mom at art gallery and children’s bookstore Every Picture Tells a Story in Santa Monica, Calif. on Saturday and bought a print from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Rocker hubby Pete Wentz has already finished several songs for a new album he is writing for his forthcoming child.  “Yeah!  I’ve got a version of ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep,’ done like, in this revved-up style, and of course I had to do a cover of ‘Enter Sandman.’

“I’ve been working on a new song called ‘Clown Parade,’ and just a lot of other things, you know, that babies like.  There’s one about how you never know what’s in the closet at night, one about running away from the hungry dinosaur—that kind of kid stuff.

“And after I finished reading ‘The Expectant Father,’ I started a three-song cycle about barfing.  The first one is about how Ash would hurl at night for like, weeks in a row—it was mad gross.  Then there’s a song about spit-up, which Ash says is going to be ‘my area’ to deal with once the baby comes.  And the third one is about my future reaction when the baby turns thirteen and I find out that she’s wearing a lace thong.  I’m really not looking forward to that.”

Wentz also elaborated on other details about the decor of the new baby’s room.  “Ashlee wanted to have the walls painted in a music theme, but also we wanted to make references to Halloween, since that’s when the baby’s due.  So I hired a designer and surprised her with the nursery’s new look.”

When asked about the design, Simpson rolled her eyes.  “Basses aren’t the only instrument in the world, you know.  And just because some of them are being played by black cats and witches doesn’t mean it fits in with my theme.  God, Pete, I leave you alone in the house for one weekend.”

“I have to run.  Mom and I are going shopping for more baby-appropriate decorations.”

Tags: entertainment, pete wentz, inappropriate baby decor, baby, halloween, ashlee simpson, frightening small children

The biggest danger for magician David Blaine when he hangs upside down above New York’s Central Park for 60 hours next week? Going blind.

That’s the analysis of Dr. Massimo Napolitano of the Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey. He is the chief of vascular surgery and is advising Blaine on the stunt.

Napolitano told the Bergen Record for a story Saturday that hanging upside down for a long time increases blood pressure in the head, especially in the eyes. That could lead to blindness.

The doctor doesn’t say how long the blindness could last, but he says there’s also a risk of swelling and cramps in internal organs.

Nevertheless, Napolitano says the stunt could yield valuable data for doctors. 

You have been invited to the “Medical Risks of Sixty Hours of Hanging Upside Down” conference chat with MassimoLikelihood and dont_blaine_me.  Do you accept? y

dont_blaine_me: hello mortals
dont_blaine_me: would you like to see a magic trick
MassimoLikelihood:  Hello, David!  And welcome.
LAWYER6100438:  I AM A LAWYER
dont_blaine_me: i will take that as a yes
MassimoLikelihood:  A magic trick, eh?  David, I’m not sure if
MassimoLikelihood:  i would like to donate five berjillion dollars to david blaine
dont_blaine_me:  sounds good lol
MassimoLikelihood:  My goodness!  I certainly didn’t type that.  Wonderful trick, David.
LAWYER6100438:  YOUR STATEMENT OF INTENT TO DONATE FIVE BERJILLION DOLLARS TO DAVID BLAINE IS BINDING ROTFL
MassimoLikelihood:  Indeed.
MassimoLikelihood:  Anyway, David, we’ve analyzed your proposal and are pleased to report that the medical risks of hanging upside down for sixty hours are virtually nil!
dont_blaine_me:  what
LAWYER6100438:  AHEM
dont_blaine_me:  are you effing serious
LAWYER6100438:  DR NAPOLITANO, I AM LEGALLY REQUIRED TO INTERVENE
MassimoLikelihood:  David, could you excuse us for a moment.
dont_blaine_me has left the conference chat.
MassimoLikelihood:  Don.  Can we go off the record for a moment?
LAWYER6100438:  SURE
MassimoLikelihood:  The medical risks of hanging upside down for sixty hours are very high.
LAWYER6100438:  UM, DUH
MassimoLikelihood:  The thing is:  we can get a freaking ton of data out of this.
LAWYER6100438:  THIS DATA WILL NOT BE OF MUCH USE TO YOU IN FEDERAL PRISON
MassimoLikelihood:  For the love.
MassimoLikelihood:  Fine.
MassimeLikelihood:  David, you can come back in.
dont_blaine_me:  i hadnt really left anyway
LAWYER6100438:  HA HA
LAWYER6100438:  WE JUST GOT PUNKD SO HARD
MassimoLikelihood:  Anyway, David, I’m sorry to tell you that the medical risks are actually quite severe.
dont_blaine_me:  thats more like it
MassimoLikelihood:  Specifically, the risk of blindness could be very high.
dont_blaine_me:  hell yesss
MassimoLikelihood:  Um… also organ failure.
dont_blaine_me:  thats awesome
dont_blaine_me:  okay ill go ahead and do it then
MassimoLikelihood:  Great!!  Are you serious?  That’s great!  Oh man.
MassimoLikelihood:  David, this is a major victory for science.
LAWYER6100438:  WHAT THE EFF DAVID BLAINE
dont_blaine_me:  okay guys i have to go
dont_blaine_me:  ive been swallowing this python since about mid-morning
dont_blaine_me:  and hes beginning to thrash
dont_blaine_me has left the conference chat.
MassimoLikelihood:  We need to send some interns over there, like right now.

Tags: science, entertainment, conference chat, david blaine, pythons, magic, blindness, what the eff david blaine

[reader:] Given your defense of Sarah Palin’s judgment on Bristol Palin, do you take back what you said about Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy--that her parents were to blame?

[Bill O’Reilly:] When I talked about the Spears parents, I said the parents were pinheads because they didn’t supervise their young daughters. I stand by that remark.  There’s no evidence that the Palins did not supervise their daughter…

Dude, that’s the creepiest thing you have ever said, Bill O’Reilly.

Tags: entertainment, sarah palin, media, bristol palin, fox, bill o'reilly, the creepiest thing bill o'reilly has ever said

”There’s no lying, there’s no cheating, there’s no nothing,” [John] Mayer told reporters Saturday about his split with [Jennifer] Aniston…

If anything Mayer had only praise for his ex, saying: “Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.”

So what went wrong? “People are different, people have different chemistry,” said Mayer, who appeared emotional, nervous and sad. “I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.”

<< Back to All John Mayer Lyrics
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On My Own (All Along) lyrics

I’ve known a lot of people
But you’re the smartest one I’ve met
You’re more sophisticated
Than all my groupies, yet…

There’s no chemistry, babe

We had a lot of fun, oh
We didn’t have a single fight
I was stoked to bang you, girl
But something wasn’t right

It was the chemistry, babe

:::
I didn’t cheat
I’d never lie
No there was nothing you did wrong
I must repeat:
I think that I
Just wanted to be on my own…
All along.
:::

You’re very hot for your age
Your body still is oh so nice
But it’s not in my makeup
To want the same boobs twice

It’s just my chemistry, babe

Call all your friends together
And talk about how I’m a dick
That’s fine with me—hey maybe
I’ll find some college chick

Who’s taking chemistry, babe

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Tags: entertainment, music, chemistry, i was stoked to bang you, john mayer, jennifer aniston

[Billy] Joel was on hand yesterday for the announcement of the [Soho] annex [to Cleveland’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame], along with Sony BMG’s chief creative officer Clive Davis and Mayor Michael Bloomberg, but he couldn’t hand over the piece from the final Shea Stadium concerts that the museum had asked him to donate. “I was supposed to be giving the jersey that I was given at Shea Stadium during the shows, but actually that jersey is in a road case on its way to Hong Kong,” Joel said. “So this morning, I ran around my house looking for tchotchkes that I could give and I was pulling stuff off the walls.”

Museum organizers are excited about the new exhibit. “We hear that this pink, shell-shaped glass ashtray was given to Joel by Elton John, and we are thrilled to have these leather coasters which, as you can see, are definitely uptown.”

Other items rumored to be in the exhibit are a large collection of ceramic thimbles, each bearing the coat of arms of a different city visited by Joel during his Storm Front and USSR tours, and a set of Russian nesting dolls painted with the likenesses of the Beatles.  Joel told museum staff that he’s “fairly sure” that “at least one or two” of several decorative keychains he donated were the ones that had held the keys of the cars he crashed in 2002, 2003, and 2004.

But the item curator Simon Littlewood calls “the crown jewel of the collection” is an empty matchbox emblazoned with the album art for ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire.’ Scrawled across the design, in Joel’s writing, are the words “just kidding - we totally did.”

Tags: entertainment, music, we didn't start the fire, nesting russian dolls, tchotchkes, shea stadium, rock and roll hall of fame, billy joel

Iowa doesn’t have any all-nude strip clubs—but it does have performing arts centers where women dance naked.

A loophole in Iowa’s public indecent exposure law allows nude dancing at “art centers.” However, the loophole in the state’s public indecent exposure law that allows nude dancing at “art centers” is under attack in the small community of Hamburg, a town of 1,200 just across the Missouri River from Nebraska.
…
As part of his defense during trial, Murphy cited a 1998 ruling that found nude dancing is a form of art. 

Excerpt from 1998 Iowa Supreme Court Decision, Girls Girls Girls Art Center vs State

The Court hereby finds nude dancing to be a form of art.

To avoid confusion in the future, the Court has decided to offer the following clarification.

Nude dancing is a form of art. Clothed dancing is not.

Nude sculpting is a form of art.  Duh.

Nude painting is a form of art, and the painting of nudes remains a form of art. However, nude painting of nudes is not a form of art (just think of multiplying two negatives).

Nude music composition is a form of art and strongly encouraged at both the State and County levels.

Nude fornication is a form of art.

Clothed fornication is called dancing and is therefore not a form of art (see above).

We hope that clears everything up.

Sincerely,
The Iowa Supreme Court

Tags: politics, entertainment, art, nudity, strippers, "art centers", iowa

[M]anga, the Japanese world of fantasy cartoons and their gaming and toy offshoots, came to Paris at the weekend, with tens of thousands of youngsters queuing up—and dressing up—for this year’s Japan Expo.
...
Tess Collet, a 16-year-old from the Paris’ outskirts, wears one typical outfit: a Tartan skirt, ripped shirt, a plastic rat dangling from her neck and a syringe tucked into her belt. Oh ... and a mini gas-mask.
...
“Manga acts as a spearhead for Japanese pop culture,” explained event organiser Cyril Grillon. “Comics open up a window onto Japan’s language, its food, its fashion.”
...
“These French disguises are really excellent. They really look like characters from manga,” said Yusuke Yasuda, from the company Koikekazuogekigasonjuku, which manages private manga schools.

hi junko--please let me know if this adaptation “rings true” for you!  thanks --rodge

Pyua Toransu
Season Two, Episode Eighteen: “The Old Man and the Pee”
Showtime

EXT - SUBWAY. Two RATS, in some forgotten underground piece of urban infrastructure.  One rat chews an apple.  Another twitches his head, nervously. There is a rumbling.
CLOSEUP of a rat’s eyeball.  The rumbling increases. [already i am wondering:  why is at least one of these rats not being worn by a teenage girl?  -junko]
A giant loud BLUR.  The RATS are discombobulated.  The BLUR recedes suddenly.  We see it from behind, as it races precariously away: a subway train.
INT - TRAIN. KEIKO, a teenage girl, is almost alone inside the dingy train.  The lights flicker.  Keiko is wearing a blouse and a skirt. [at least one of these should be all ripped up.  the other must be argyle -junko]
An OLD MAN nearby makes a moaning noise.

        OLD MAN
    You must help me...
        [...because he has suffered a gas attack?  THERE MUST BE A GAS ATTACK OR IT IS NOT AUTHENTIC]
        [the old man must also be wearing a kilt and have bagpipes]

        KEIKO
    But I am not carrying any medical equipment...
        [it is clear you have never been to japan in your entire life.  for a schoolgirl not to be carrying at least a stethoscope is completely insane.  more likely, she has a syringe, and some gauze, and i think also many catheters.]

        OLD MAN
    Please… At least wear this plastic muskrat around your neck…
    It is the least you can do for a dying old man...
        [FINALLY some dialogue that makes sense.]

        KEIKO
    That is a weird thing to ask.
        [...]
        [i refuse to continue reading this mockery of my culture.]

Tags: entertainment, culture, japan, pure trance, plastic rat worn around the neck, manga

The Walt Disney Company, concerned that its main Web site is not entertaining enough, is moving once again to overhaul Disney.com.
...
For instance, little girls (or bigger ones) who create fairy avatars in a virtual world called Pixie Hollow will be able to use their cellphones to create pet butterflies for their fairies.
...
“I’m going to want to use my phone to feed and love my butterfly all the time,” said Larry Shapiro, executive vice president for mobile content.

You have been invited to the “Online Shareholders Meeting 070108” conference chat with larryshap007, David_Rabinowicz, BOB.VAN.BUREN, and TheDarkMagus.  Do you accept? Y

TheDarkMagus: i was just in a completely different place back then
TheDarkMagus: and once you have one screenname its like impossible to change
BOB.VAN.BUREN: IT’S REALLY NOT THAT HARD.
David_Rabinowicz: Welcome, shareholders!
disney#shareholders:  Hello
David_Rabinowicz: Let’s just go around the “room” and introduce ourselves!
David_Rabinowicz: I’m David Rabinowicz, executive VP of sales.
larryshap007: larry shapiro, exec vp, mobile content
BOB.VAN.BUREN: ROBERT VAN BUREN, SPECIAL COUNSEL.
TheDarkMagus: john e pepper jr - chairman
disney#shareholders: We Are Teh Shareholders
David_Rabinowicz: Well, I think it makes sense to start with second-quarter earnings—which were way above target!
BOB.VAN.BUREN: OOH!  MY BUTTERFLY JUST GREW AN EXTRA PAIR OF FLUTTERWINGS™!
TheDarkMagus: omg
larryshap007: those are so pretty!!!
David_Rabinowicz: That’s excellent!  Thanks for sharing, Bob.  Now let’s examine the numbers I sent out this morning to everyone…
disney#shareholders: What Are This Flutterwigns
David_Rabinowicz: I especially want to draw everyone’s attention to our recent spike in web traffic.
BOB.VAN.BUREN: MY FAIRY’S NAME IS IRIDESSA.
TheDarkMagus: mine is pluck! shes a harvesttalent fairy
disney#shareholders: Flutterwigns Is Money ????
David_Rabinowicz: John, I bet Pluck has a lot to say about our projected third-quarter earnings!  Oh wait, actually that would be me.
larryshap007: it turns out u can use ur cell 2 feed & love ur buterfly
larryshap007: all the time
TheDarkMagus: i do that nonstop lol
David_Rabinowicz: Yes, we expect this cell-phone functionality to drive the growth of our website.
David_Rabinowicz: Among girls ages 8-12.
larryshap007: my fairy is named dulcie, she bakes delicous cookies
TheDarkMagus: guys check this out
larryshap007: and when i got a buterfly 4 her it had cookie-pattern wings!
BOB.VAN.BUREN: ROTFL THAT IS SO CUTE.
TheDarkMagus: *i* *a*m* *a* *p*i*x*i*e*
larryshap007: !!!!so kewl
disney#shareholders: This Is Nice,
David_Rabinowicz: Can we please just get through this meeting and then talk about the fairies.
larryshap007: dulcie is very easygonig & a little mischeivous
TheDarkMagus: *p*l*u*c*k* *t*h*i*n*k*s* *o*u*r* *t*h*i*r*d* *q*u*a*r*t*e*r* *e*a*r*n*i*n*g*s* *w*i*l*l* *b*e* *h*i*g*h*
David_Rabinowicz: That’s just great fucking news, John.
BOB.VAN.BUREN: EVERY TIME YOU DO THAT THING WITH THE STARS I GET AN ERECTION.
disney#shareholders: We Will Buy Your Pixes
I*r*i*d*e*s*s*a has entered the conference chat.
I*r*i*d*e*s*s*a: *a* *m*j*o*r*i*t*y* *o*f* *i*n*d*e*p*e*n*d*e*n*t* *a*n*a*l*y*s*t*s* *c*a*t*e*g*o*r*i*z*e* *o*u*r* *s*t*o*c*k* *a*s* *a* *s*t*r*o*n*g* *b*u*y*
BOB.VAN.BUREN: OHHHHHnnnnhhnhh
BOB.VAN.BUREN: BRB

Tags: entertainment, conference chat, business, cell phones, shareholders, disney, pixies, grown men with little-girl vaginas

Jay-Z kicked off his controversial Glastonbury headline slot tonight (June 28) with an Oasis cover - hitting back at Noel Gallagher’s criticism of his booking.

Before the show started, a montage of clips played, concluding with the recent interview Gallagher gave where he said the Pyramid Stage performance was “not right” for the festival.

Before a huge crowd, the superstar rapper then mimed along to Oasis’ huge 1995 hit ‘Wonderwall’.

-Can you believe the nerve?! We’ve got to get him back!
-Noel, maybe you should just let it go.
-Let it go? Not a chance. He was NOT RIGHT for the festival.
-Glastonbury is a music festival. He’s probably the most successful rapper of all time and rap is one of the most popular types of music on the planet. How could he possibly not be right for it?
-
-
-I’ve got it! We should play a cover of one of HIS songs!
-Look, you’re being a tit. Liam is going to punch you in the throat if you make a bigger mockery of yourself than you’ve already done. Please stop.
-Quick, tell me the name of a Jay-Z song - did he sing that “I like big butts” number?
-
-Or, hang on - I seem to remember a certain “Humpy” persona.  Was that Jay-Z?  The one inciting people to perform the Humpy Dump?
-I’m not going to be a part of this.
-Never mind, I’ll just look it up online. Ah, here is one called “Big Pimpin’”.
-For the love of God, please stop.
-(in thick Manchurian accent, to the tune of “Don’t look back in anger”) We doin’ big pimpin, we spendin’ cheese…
-You’re only hurting yourself.
-(with growing enthusiasm) We doin’ big pimpin’ up in NYC! It’s just that Jigga-man, Pimp-C and B.U.N.B. – come on and sing it with me, other member of Oasis!
-I told you to stop calling me that.

Tags: entertainment, music, the brothers gallagher, glastonbury, oasis, jay-z

Joan Rivers’ salty tongue got her booted from a British daytime talk show in the middle of its live broadcast.

The 75-year old comedian said in a statement Tuesday she was sorry for the swearing, and assumed that a censor would be able to “bleep” the words out.

Then she cracked wise, saying the incident reminded her of her wedding night—because she was asked to leave in the middle of that, too.

Wedding night, the Honeymoon Suite at the Four Seasons.

Edgar Rosenberg: Now it’s just you and me, Joanie my dear.
Joan Rivers: Could you believe what Rita was wearing? She was so gorgeous at Frank’s wedding, with the gold and the flower. Tonight was just — it’s like she’s not even trying.
ER: Yes dear, and she’s gone and all the rest of them are gone and it’s just you, me, and some ‘74 Chandon…
JR: Cynthia, you know. She’s always got something great going on. Tonight with the red chiffon and gorgeous pearls — elegant but very sexy…
ER: (Patience waning) Here, let me unzip you.
JR: (Turns, obligingly, still speaking)...and, of course, she can wear those bolder colors now that she’s blonde. Not like Marie. Marie is just like whoa, sex, vavoom, with the hair and the breasts and the slit up to here...
ER: (Moves his hand towards JR’s mouth, pauses, then loses his resolve)
JR: But that dress — she has GOT to get a gay friend, am I right?
ER: Y—
JR: HATED it! And turquoise? Get real! Wynona Rider wouldn’t even shoplift that dress. Am I right?
ER: (Sits on the bed, resigned)
JR: (As if noticing him for the first time) Oh Jesus, here I am, cracking wise, and my own husband isn’t even laughing. What am I, last season’s Chanel?
ER: You are not cracking wise. You are cracking up.
JR: Jokes out the wazoo and I can’t even get a rise outta my husband — you know what I’m sayin! How am I ever gonna…
ER: Please… just go.
JR: By “rise,” I am of course referring to an erection.
ER: I’m going to kill myself.

Tags: entertainment, joan rivers, fashion, expletives, erections

The problems [on director Spike Jonze’s film adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are] prompted Warner [Bros.] to request significant changes to the script (penned by Jonze and author Dave Eggers) from Alvin and the Chipmunks screenwriter Jon Vitti.

...And when he came to the place where the wild things are they roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws till Max said “BE STILL”...and they were frightened and called him the most wild thing of all and makde him king of all wild things.  “And now,” cried Max, “let the wild rumpus start!”

jonze/eggers edition:

Max:  this?  this is the place where the wild things are?
WILD THINGS roar terrible roars, gnash teeth, etc.
Max:  i just feel like i have no idea what i’m doing, in life.
Wild Thing #1:  hey, man.  you’re gonna figure it out.
Wild Thing #2:  a year ago this buddy of mine got a place up in the woods, and he just like lives there now, and you could totally just go up there and chill with him, if you want to, uh, just to sort shit out
Max:  god.  i can’t believe i’m TWENTY-SOMETHING YEARS OLD and i’m still just totally...you know?
Wild Thing Malkovich:  malkovich?

vitti edition:

MAX roars across the dark sea on his MAGICAL SURFBOARD and almost totally WIPES OUT as he comes up to the beach but instead makes a totally sweet landing among all these BABES.
Max: Whoa...AWESOME!
Suddenly, WILD THINGS come streaming out of the wilderness, doing awesome tricks on skateboards and giving each other high-fives and totally shredding on guitars.  [NOTE: ideal place for Red Bull Jr promotion]
Wild Thing One: Hey, bro!  This is our Wild Island!  We’re gonna shred you!
MAX jumps off his surfboard, does a double back flip, knocks a WILD THING off his skateboard as he’s sailing through the air (WILD THING lands in a big pile of poop!!!  and then a dog bites him on the crotch), skates over to the BOOMBOX and turns it on.
Max: Not if I shred you first!!!
MAX begins awesome WILD THING RAP.  Wild Things join in and they are all totally kicking it.
[NOTE: two words:  remix.  T-Pain.  basically what i am doing right now is printing money, in screenplay form.]

Tags: entertainment, where the wild things are, jon vitti, spike jonze, probable rapine, dave eggers, maurice sendak

English students at Cambridge University have been asked to analyse lyrics by singer Amy Winehouse in a final-year exam. They were told to compare Winehouse’s Love is a Losing Game to songs by Bob Dylan, Billie Holiday and 16th century explorer Sir Walter Raleigh.
Winehouse recently won a prestigious Ivor Novello award for the song.
A university spokesman said English students had always been asked to compare writers of different times.
He said the question was ‘interesting, but not news’.

CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY EXAM BOARD
COMPARATIVE ENGLISH, MODULE II.
May 25th, 2008

1. Critique these lyrics:

‘Love Is A Losing Game’

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

The author of these lyrics is not, in my opinion, a stable person. The major themes of the song are a love lost, arson (or at least a certain combustibility) and poker. I think the author is a very keen poker player. In fact, the poker puns (’a losing hand’, ‘the chips were down’, ‘though I’m rather blind’) are the best bit of the song. This shows that the author sees love as a game of chance, although many others may feel that the love game becomes significantly easier when you don’t snort the powdered equivalent of a semi-detached house up your nose on a weekly basis.

There is also a certain fatality to these lyrics. The repetition of the phrase ‘and now the final frame’ suggests that the author sees no great future in life beyond her latest set-back. Either that, or she’s massively into snooker.

The author is also a big fan of rhyming couplets. For example, the line ‘Played out by the band / Love is a losing hand’ shows acute awareness of traditional rhyming structures used by all the lyric writing greats (see also: Des’ree, Vengaboys) over the years.

Essentially, the depth of these lyrics is endless, in much the same way as the depths of despair are endless when suffering a broken heart, or when you realise, whilst covering your tear-soaked face with your over-worked hands, that a decent voice makes people think you’re a certified song-writing genius.

Tags: entertainment, britain, snooker, amy winehouse, cambridge university

Lisa Opie, the Channel Five managing director of content, has resigned today, closely following the departure of the chief executive, Jane Lighting.

The pair have quit the broadcaster after its owner, RTL Group, hired Dawn Airey, the ITV managing director of global content, to replace Lighting.

RTL Group: So nice to see you, Jane.
Jane Lighting: Cut the crap. What’s this all about?
RTL: You’re being replaced.
Jane: What? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this job!
RTL: Yes, you have. You’ve done fantastic work.
Jane: Then why am I being replaced?
RTL: How can I put this delicately? Your name, it… it just isn’t funny enough.
Jane: This is ridiculous! You can’t fire me because my name isn’t funny.
RTL: Yes, many Channel Five employees share that misconception. Check your contract.
Jane: But—but my last name is Lighting! Come on, that’s pretty funny.
RTL: I thought so too, at first.  That’s why I hired you.  Especially since we do TV—you know, cameras and lighting and whatnot.  But the competition for ratings is brutal these days, Jane.  Don’t feel too bad—your buddy Lisa Opie is in the same boat.
Jane: But Lisa and I increased our ratings by six percent!
RTL: And if you both also had funny first names I can’t help but wonder how much more they could have increased.  Just think about Dawn Airey—every part of that name is hilarious!  Holy crap.  I’d watch any TV show that name was a part of, and I’ve got a hunch viewers will too.
Jane: But—
RTL: But nothing. I mean, no offense, but Jane? That is the plainest name there is. Your parents really shot you in the foot with that one. They might as well have named you Blah Blah Boring-Name O’Nondescript. Actually, that’s pretty good. Tell you what, legally change your name to Blah Blah Boring-Name O’Nondescript and then we can talk.
Jane: I just—I think you’re overestimating the importance of a silly name.
RTL: Let me tell you a story. A little girl with a funny name and not much else builds a TV station from the ground up.  You know who that little girl was, Jane?  That was me.  And that name… is RTL Group. RTL Group, Jane. My entire life, when people see it written down on paper, they think that I’m a company, not a single person. When I meet people for the first time they ask what the RTL stands for and I have to explain that it doesn’t stand for anything.  It’s just a weird-ass name.
Jane:
RTL: It’s just a… a weird-ass name.

Tags: entertainment, business, television, blah blah boring-name o'nondescript

Author Philippe Sands, a professor of law at University College London, alleges that interrogation techniques developed at Guantánamo were inspired by the extreme exploits of Jack Bauer, played by actor Kiefer Sutherland, in the American TV series 24.

Strong Takes reached Jack Bauer for comment on the allegation.

Strong Takes: Mr. Bauer, thanks for taking time to speak with us.
Jack Bauer: Not a problem. I’m a big fan of the site. But please, call me Jack – Mr. Bauer was my dad’s name. Or at least it was until I cut off his head with a sword and took his powers.
JB: Just kidding, of course.
ST: Sure thing, Jack. So, how do you respond to the allegation that your exploits inspired some of the interrogation techniques practiced at Guantánamo?
JB: It’s a real honor. You know, we’ve put a lot of work into the program and so to see it having an impact out there in the real world like this is just… it’s just…
Jack’s eyes well up. A tear falls from his face and upon hitting the floor TRANSFORMS INTO A NINJA which breaks a nearby coffee table with a single chop, takes a LIGHTNING QUICK cat nap, then leaves the room at a leisurely but determined pace. Jack regains his composure.
JB: Well, it’s just a real honor.
ST: I can imagine. And as a fictional character this especially must be a dream come true.
JB: Oh absolutely. I mean, Tyler Durden inspired a few imitation fight clubs across the country, but for me to have inspired this sort of indescribably horrible violation of human rights at an institutionalized level at a US prison camp – what can I say!  I’m on cloud nine.
ST: What can we expect from Jack Bauer in the future?
JB: Well, there are a few new torture techniques that we’re developing. Waterboarding has been such a huge success that we’re hoping to give wakeboarding a shot.
ST: Wakeboarding – the recreational water activity?
JB: That’s right. Have you ever been dragged by a boat across choppy waves after falling off one of those things? Not too much fun, I can tell you that.
ST: I shudder just thinking about it. Does it smart?
JB: Oh you better believe it smarts.
JB: It smarts like heck.

Tags: entertainment, television, torture, 24, jack bauer, guantanamo

Mr. Hogan, who directed the 1997 hit “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” starring Julia Roberts, is filming “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” with Isla Fisher in the lead role, for Touchstone Pictures, owned by the Walt Disney Company. The film is based on a literary series that began with the British publication of Sophie Kinsella’s novel with that title in 2000, about a financial journalist with relationship problems and a penchant for overspending.

But the movie is not just for women, the filmmakers insist. “We all have spending habits, a lot of us do,” said Jerry Bruckheimer, one of the film’s producers.

Also in production, from Bruckheimer Films:

Chocolate at Midnight: a story of a woman who has recently broken up with her fiancé, after finding him cheating, but who learns to love herself again by perfecting (and maybe sneaking a bite of! naughty!) her grandmother’s chocolate cake recipe, because “we all eat cake on occasion. A lot of us do.”

Big Girl Panties: the tale of a shy, bookish girl finding her inner diva, and a lot of trouble, in her first real job at a sexy lady’s lingerie company headed by the feisty Meg Ryan. “Who doesn’t like women and panties? Straight dudes LOVE chicks and panties.”

Flying with the Unicorns: starring Abigail Breslin. A young girl trying to sort out the changes of oncoming puberty, while her single mother dies of a wasting disease, must first learn to let go of her troubled past, along with her collection of stuffed unicorns. “Mythical creatures have broad appeal. Look at the Chronicles of Narnia films. Harry Potter. Pirates of the Caribbean. This is totally like those.”

That’s Why They Call Them Periods: starring Julia Roberts.  A woman’s early-onset menopause keeps her from pursuing her one dream, finding that great guy and having babies—but after months in China, she finds the love she’s been dreaming of isn’t a man at all. She also adopts six attractive, dependent, loving orphans. Soon she realizes that she, too, can leave her old life, and penises, behind her forever. “I’d like to see Julia Roberts lez out, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you??”

Tags: entertainment, jerry bruckheimer, six months in china, mythical creatures, movies, big girls panties, lez out

Jessica Simpson’s movie Blonde Ambition made just $1,332 during its opening weekend in the U.S. But in the Ukraine, her film is a huge success. Not only are people flocking to theaters to see Jessica on the big screen, they want her to come visit. “She is really the ideal of American beauty and style, like Barbie,” Alex Shpiluk, a film producer and member of the Ukrainian Film Commission, tells In Touch. “She would be useful to us and our image.”

Most esteemed Reverend Joseph Simpson,

I write first of all to express my outrage at the boorish and troglodytic American filmgoing public, who have unaccountably rewarded the latest and most transcendent performance of your daughter Jessica with a paltry $1,332.  $1,332!  Even in Ukraine, this would be a disappointing opening weekend.  For her to be thus disgraced fills me with almost uncontrollable anger.

She is really the ideal of American beauty and style, like Barbie.

On behalf of the Ukrainian Film Commission, I humbly invite your daughter to relocate to the country that will truly acknowledge her inestimable value to cinema: Ukraine!  As you may be aware, we in Ukraine are great fans of “Blonde Ambition,” as well as “Dukes of Hazzard” and “Employee of the Month,” in which your winsome Jessica portrays a cashier.  Truly, a jewel of film. 

In Ukraine, she would be received as a goddess.  She would walk to and fro on the prostrate bodies of adoring citizens.  Her every kilowatt smile would be cause for a fete.  Each of her magnificent breasts would be the toast of Kyiv.

She would be useful to us and our image.

I eagerly await your reply.

Yours,
Alex Shpiluk
Film Producer

P.S. If Jessica chooses not to grace us with her inexpressible beauty, would you by any chance happen to know the agent for Rob Schneider?

Tags: entertainment, jessica simpson, rob schneider, ukraine, celebrities, blonde ambition, dukes of hazzard