How to have a baby
Pamela Madsen knows a thing or two about getting pregnant.
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Here are a few things Madsen said she did right while going through infertility treatments.
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Jake Klowsky knows a thing or two about getting girls pregnant. He did it twice this week.
Here are a few things Klowsky said he did right while getting girls pregnant.
1. Pepper Bombs. “A pepper bomb is an alcoholic shooter made of Dr. Pepper, Jägermeister, and – the magic ingredient – Clamato, which is clam and tomato juice,” stated Klowsky. “It might seem weird, but they say that clams are an aphrodisiac. Plus, after tasting clam juice suddenly kissing my face doesn’t seem so repulsive. I’ve had girls lick the inside of my mouth just to get rid of that awful Clamato taste. I don’t even floss, man.”
2. Probability. “They say that condoms only work 99% of the time,” Klowsky remarked. “Therefore, if you have sex 100 times, one of those times will result in a pregnancy. Have sex 1000 times and babies will just start popping out of wherever. Add a few Pepper Bombs into the mix and somebody is bound to get preggers before the sun comes up. I mean, I’m not making this up. Those are just the odds.”
3. No hot tubs. “Seriously lowers your sperm count.”
4. No tight underwear. “Not very flattering for my figure. And if I don’t feel sexy, I feel like girls pick up on that, you know? You just have to own it, and if you aren’t feeling your base layer, that’s going to shine through. Girls are very intuitive creatures. Even after a few rounds of Pepper Bomb pong you’d be surprised what they can pick up on.”
5. Do your best not to get the girl pregnant. “Trust me. It’s like Murphy’s Law or something. Or actually maybe it is more like that part in The Matrix with the spoon. Like, there is no spoon. You know, I tell myself, Man, I’m so glad my girlfriend is NOT pregnant, and then it’s like, Whoa, my girlfriend IS pregnant. Uteruses are just crazy like that.