What do you expect? We’ve got a major economic problem and I’m the president during the major economic problem. I mean, do people approve of the economy? No. I don’t approve of the economy. ... I’ve been a wartime president. I’ve dealt with two economic recessions now. I’ve had, hell, a lot of serious challenges. What matters to me is I didn’t compromise my soul to be a popular guy.

Mephistopheles, frustrated: Awright. Awright. How about this: no 9/11, no misbegotten war in Iraq, no Katrina, and no economic meltdown easily attributable to rightwing policy.  Eh?
Bush: Hmmmm.
Mephistopheles: Peace, prosperity, thousands of American lives saved, millions more made wealthier, happier.  God knows—
God, perkily: Did someone say ‘God’?
Bush, pointing with chocolate-stained fingers: He did.
God, disappointed: Oh.
Mephistopheles: Focus, for fuck’s sake.  Focus.  I don’t even want to be making this offer.  Lucifer and I have this kind of high-stakes bet that I couldn’t get your soul—I’m not going into details—the point is, this is a ridiculously bad deal for me.  I don’t want the betterment of the lives of immeasurable Americans.  Okay?  I’m really fucking myself over with this.
Bush: That other guy has a beard.
God:
Bush: I’m gonna call him ‘Beardy.’
Mephistopheles: FOCUS.  George.  I’m offering you a perfect presidency.  Every American goes to Heaven.  It’s the stupidest offer I’ve ever made.  Cost:  One soul.
Bush: Nope.
Mephistopheles: FUCK.
Mephistopheles, to himself: He’s good.
God: That’s not the word I would have used.

Tags: politics, religion, george w. bush, christianity, god, beardy, satan, mephistopheles, lucifer, chocolate-stained fingers

Playboy magazine issued an apology Monday for the cover of its Mexican edition, which features an Argentine model in what many observers say is meant to be a depiction of the Virgin Mary.
...
[CNN’s Rick] Sanchez: Let me bring in somebody for whom this hits home. He’s one of the best known priests in the United States. His name is Father Cutie. I worked with him in Miami many times, has his own show—actually he’s got his own book out now. It’s called “Real Life, Real Love.” Bestseller, by the way. Father, are we as Catholics just too sensitive when it comes to this kind—after all, it’s a beautiful woman being shown to represent what is, in our minds, to all of us, a beautiful woman.
...
[Father Albert] Cutie: .... this is offensive. This is very offensive. It’s blasphemous.

Sanchez: As a matter of fact, Father—

Cutie: It’s wrong.
...No, and not only that, this is someone who obviously has no scruples. And I’m not talking about the model—whoever assigned this whole thing. First of all, we don’t adore Mary; we adore God, only God. And to say “Te Adoramos María,” the Spanish—"We adore you, Mary"—basically, it’s making a direct religious reference to something which is sacred. Because you don’t adore anything if it’s not sacred…

Sanchez: So you couldn’t just go out and adore, say, a woolly little lamb?

Cutie: Well, if it were a nativity lamb… no!  Not even then.  A lamb is not God, Rick.

Sanchez: And what would you say your feelings toward Mary are, if you don’t adore her?  Reverence?  Just plain love?

Cutie: I would say tolerance.  Fervent tolerance.

Sanchez: What about Mary Magdalene.

Cutie: Devout mild liking.

Sanchez: Mary from this magazine here.

Cutie: Revulsion. But for purely semantic reasons.  If only they hadn’t used the word “adore!” We’d have posters of this in the Vatican.

Sanchez: How have we not made fun of your name yet?

Cutie, suddenly worried: I… I don’t know.

Tags: religion, christianity, semantics, fervent tolerance, father cutie, playboy, mary mother of jesus

On the first Sunday after a gay marriage ban passed in California, activists rallied in defiance, including hundreds of protesters outside an Orange County megachurch whose pastor brought Barack Obama and John McCain together last summer for a “faith forum.”
...
“They told such obvious lies. They used their lies to deceive the public,” Todeschini said of the church.

“I mean, after over 2000 years of telling people about a man named Jesus being the son of God born from a virgin mother, curing lepers with the touch of his hand, walking on water, and dying and then coming back to life, as well as informing people that the world is only several thousand years old, the first woman was made out of a rib bone, that the phenomenon of self-consciousness was conferred upon the human species by a talking snake in a tree - you know, all these facts - it is just shocking that the church would suddenly resort to such obvious lies.”

Tags: politics, religion, christianity, proposition 8, california, saddleback church, a talking snake in a tree

Focus on the Family President James Dobson, who strongly praised McCain’s selection of Palin as a running mate, said the Palin family is approaching the pregnancy [of 17-year-old daughter Bristol] exactly how his group recommends.

“...[The Palins] should be commended once again for not just talking about their pro-life and pro-family values, but living them out even in the midst of trying circumstances,” Dobson said.

Dobson continued, “They really should be commended. Especially brave Bristol. I mean, this is the miracle of life here, people.  Talk about being pro-life!  A lot of teenagers are out there preaching the Lord’s gospel, standing up strong against the murder of God’s children, and God bless them, but are they out there actually creating life?  Bringing more of God’s children into this world?  Huh? No.  No they are not.  A lot of teenagers, they talk the pro-life talk alright, and again, praise the Lord for that, but end of the day, they are not themselves actively having babies. You want to see pro-life, you don’t need to look any further than Bristol Palin.  She is truly an example to all our daughters. 

“I mean, think about it.  God gives his children the miraculous tools to create life at what 12? 13?  And what do most of us do?  Sit around for years, decades wasting this miracle!  ‘Thanks for this awesome gift-miracle, God, maybe I’ll get around to using it a couple of times in 15 or 20 years!’ I mean did Jesus Christ our Savior say ‘Oh, I can rise from the dead?  Cool, maybe I will do that in like 10 years!’? Heck no!  He was like ‘Awesome miracle, God!  I am out of here!’ Three days from the Cross to Easter. That’s pretty good!

“And that’s why Bristol’s bravery makes her like Jesus.  As soon as she figured out how the whole gosh darn thing worked, she got down to business.  God’s business.  The business of giving bodies to all the angels up in heaven, just as fast as possible. Let Bristol Palin’s bravery be a reminder of what God asks of all of us:  to make sure all Christian women everywhere are constantly pregnant or weaning one of God’s angel babies so they can get started on a little angel brother or sister ASAP.

“An empty womb is basically an abortion clinic, people.  Every woman between puberty and wombdrought who is not actively pregnant is not just lazy, she is resisting God’s miracle, and basically killing the baby that wants so badly to live inside her wondrous womb if she weren’t being so gosh darn selfish.

“KNOCK KNOCK. 

“‘Who’s there?’

“ONE OF GOD’S CHILDREN. 

“‘One of God’s Children Who?’

“ONE OF GOD’S CHILDREN WHO WANTS SO BADLY TO BE BORN INTO THE WORLD SO HE CAN CONTINUE THE LORD’S WORK. 

“‘Oh, no thanks, One of God’s Children, I’m too busy. I want to finish high school. I want to go to college. I want a career. Me me me me me me me.’

“It is high time that our allegedly ‘pro-life’ teenage daughters started putting their wombs where their mouths are, and follow Bristol Palin’s brave lead.  God bless America, and God bless our daughters not wasting their precious womb-miracles. Amen.”

Tags: religion, sarah palin, christianity, bristol palin, abortion, focus on the family, james dobson, bloviating

It’s not hard to see how some Obama haters might be tempted to make the comparison. In the Left Behind books, Carpathia is a junior Senator who speaks several languages, is beloved by people around the world and fawned over by a press corps that cannot see his evil nature, and rises to absurd prominence after delivering just one major speech. Hmmh. But serious Antichrist theorists don’t stop there. Everything from Obama’s left-handedness to his positive rhetoric to his appearance on the cover of this magazine has been cited as evidence of his true identity. One chain e-mail claims that the Antichrist was prophesied to be “A man in his 40s of MUSLIM descent,” which would indeed sound ominous if not for the fact that the Book of Revelation was written at least 400 years before the birth of Islam.

From: ImpressionableGranddad@aol.com
To: UNDISCLOSED RECIPIENTS
Subject: Re: RE: Fw: BARACK OBAMA ANTICHRIST CHECKLIST

>
>
> > From: MysteriousOnlineFriendofImpressionableGranddad@hotmail.com
> > To: {117 recipients all of whom are registered to vote}
> >
> > PLEASE FORWARD THIS TOO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!  If you dont’ forward this email to at least 15 people YOU
> > WILL NOT BE SUMMONED TO HEAVEN WHEN THE RAPTURE COMES!!! and you’re sex life will be unsatisfactory
> >
> >>
> >>
> >> > The Book of Revelations states that when the Antichrist comes, he will be a man in his 40s of MUSLIM descent,
> >> > left-handed, appear on the cover of time Magazine, AND SPEAK POSITIVELY SOUND FAMILIAR?????
> >> >
> >> > OTHER BIBLICAL FACTS ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST:
> >> >
> >> > is trying to quit smoking
> >> > spent significant portion of childhood in indonesia
> >> > differs with hillary clinton and john edwards on details of u.s. health care overhaul
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > is a beast that shall rise up out of the sea having seven heads and ten horns, and on his horns ten crowns, and on his heads a blasphemous name
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > wife is frightening to white people
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > PLEASE FOREWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
> >> >
> >> > Yours,
> >> > Literally Tens of Millions of Americans Who Actually Will Be Able to Vote in the Upcoming Presidential Election
> >> >
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> > Stay in touch when you’re away with Windows Live Messenger. IM anytime you’re online.
> > _________________________________________________________________________
> >
> >
>

Tags: politics, barack obama, religion, christianity, checklists, impressionable granddad, antichrist

As Pope Benedict XVI visits the city, employees and patients of St. John’s Queens Hospital are buzzing over a water stain on a ceiling tile that some say resembles the face of Jesus.

“I was freaking out,” said Junior Rodriguez, a patient who first saw the image above his hospital bed in Room 232 on April 10. “There was Jesus looking down on me.”
...
As word spread, hundreds of staffers and patients streamed in to gawk at the quarter-sized brown blotch, which true believers swear forms the bearded face of Christ within a crown of thorns.

Other “Miraculous” Events During Pope Benedict’s Visit

Brooklyn-style pizza discovered to have “healing powers.” John DiRenzo noted that it “totally got rid of the gnawing hunger pangs in my stomach. It was like being blessed by the Lord Jesus himself.”

Homeless population’s urine smells “like asparagus.” Thousands of visitors to Times Square noticed the difference, leaving many questioning how so many indigents could afford fresh produce.

Hundreds of Williamsburg residents grow “Christ-like” beards. Other citizens remain unsure whether the beards were grown ironically, or whether for that matter the irony of the beards was itself ironic, which is to say, sincere. Said Marge Egan, of Park Slope: “Ow, my brain.”

Former Hitler Jugend member Joseph Ratzinger revered as the Vicar of Christ and mouthpiece of God on Earth. “No, seriously, how is it that everyone has totally forgotten about this?” asked multiple passersby.

Tags: religion, christianity, the catholic church, pope benedict xvi, williamsburg, jesus-shaped

Failing to recycle plastic bags could find you spending eternity in Hell, the Vatican said after drawing up a list of seven deadly sins for our times.
...
The seven, which include polluting the environment, were announced by Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti, a close ally of the Pope and the head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, one of the Roman Curia’s main court.
...
According to Roman Catholic doctrine, mortal sins are a “grave violation of God’s law” and bring about “eternal death” if unrepented by the act of confession.
...
Mgr Girotti said genetic modification, carrying out experiments on humans, polluting the environment, causing social injustice, causing poverty, becoming obscenely wealthy and taking drugs were all mortal sins.

A queue in what appears to be a busy Starbucks.
Massimo: WTF
Alessandro: Shhhh.
Massimo: I JUST GOT HIT BY A BUS
Alessandro: Yes. Yes. You may want to keep it down a bit.
Massimo: Sorry, I just—where is this? Where am I? It looks like a Starbucks.
Alessandro: Shhh! You and I are standing in anticipation of the judgment of Saint Peter.
Massimo:
Alessandro: These are the gates of Heaven.
Massimo:
Nearby Cherub, apologetically: We’re trying for this new hip aesthetic.
Massimo: This art is terrible. Is this supposed to be some kind of aboriginal thing? It’s hideous.
Nearby Cherub: Yeah, it’s this local artist that, um… yeah.
Massimo: Anyway, if we are about to meet St. Peter, I have nothing to fear. I have committed no sins since my most recent confession.
The line shuffles forward.
St. Peter: Alessandro Bartolomeo, please step forward. Are you prepared to accept God’s judgment?
Alessandro: Yes, o most divine.
St. Peter, peering at iPhone: Alessandro, my dear, it seems that you have not confessed yourself since your most recent MORTAL SIN.
Alessandro: Wh-what
St. Peter: The MORTAL SIN of CAUSING SOCIAL INJUSTICE.
Alessandro: No!  Father, I—I don’t believe
St. Peter: Shortly before your death, you purchased and consumed a packet of ten Chicken McNuggets.
St. Peter: The breading for the McNuggets was processed in a plant in Kenosha, Wisconsin, which pays its workers an hourly wage BELOW the state-mandated minimum amount.
St. Peter: SOCIAL INJUSTICE ALERT.
St. Peter: As you are a good Catholic, I need not remind you that SOCIAL INJUSTICE IS NOW A MORTAL SIN BECAUSE OF THESE CHANGES THAT WE MADE IN A NON-ARBITRARY FASHION.
St. Peter: For this grave violation of God’s law, you must suffer ETERNAL DEATH.
Alessandro is consumed with flame. His shrieks are unbearable.
The line shuffles forward.
Massimo: This is sort of effed up.

Tags: religion, christianity, the catholic church, deadly sins, starbucks, the pope

Signaling a significant departure from the Southern Baptist Convention’s official stance on global warming, 44 Southern Baptist leaders have decided to back a declaration calling for more action on climate change, saying its previous position on the issue was “too timid.”
...
[T]he new declaration, which will be released Monday, states, “Our cautious response to these issues in the face of mounting evidence may be seen by the world as uncaring, reckless and ill-informed.”

The document also urges ministers to preach more about the environment and for all Baptists to keep an open mind about considering environmental policy.

BROOKLYN – Members of a high-ranking group of Jehovah’s Witnesses have announced their intent to visit Washington on Tuesday to discuss interest rate cuts with Fed chairman Ben Bernanke. In a news conference broadcast over closed-circuit television, group spokesman Samuel F. Herd stated that “the previous positions of Jehovah’s Witnesses on the issue of economic stimulus have been too moderate given the current evidence for an impending recession.”

“In the name of the Tetragrammaton! pardon our too-long silence on this most Christian of issues,” shouted an excitable Herd, specifying: “Interest rates.”

Herd said the group will urge Chairman Bernanke to cut both short- and long-term federal interest rates.  “It is our belief that sliding housing prices and the increasing cost of oil will contribute to a loss of jobs in 2008, and that the impending recession can only be staved off by interest rate cuts, thus averting the unspeakable flaming wrath of Jehovah.” The council, he added, will push for economic relief for individual taxpayers, “perhaps in the form of some kind of tax rebate.”

“For does it not say in Leviticus: in the event of an economic downturn shalt thou go into the valley of Hinnom, and upon the eve of the Sabbath shalt thou declare a tax rebate,” interjected fellow Governing Body member Gerrit Lösch, to a chorus of Hallelujahs.

Should Bernanke fail to heed their advice, Herd continued, the group may resort to drastic tactics, including repeatedly ringing his doorbell and befriending him for the sole purpose of converting him to their views on monetary policy.

It is believed that the timing of this announcement was related to the press conference scheduled for later today by a group of prominent Zoroastrians, who are claiming a “moral imperative” to restructure certain clauses of NAFTA.

Tags: religion, christianity, climate change, interest rates, southern baptists, jehovah's witnesses