British Olympic boxer Bradley Saunders has been questioned by police on suspicion of dealing cocaine.

He was held after a police sniffer dog found what was believed to be £12,000 of the drug in the back garden of his home in Sedgefield, County Durham. 

Admitted a rueful Saunders: “In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done so much bragging about my knockout blow.”

Tags: sports, britain, cocaine, knockout blow, bradley saunders, boxing

Peter Mullen, the Church of England vicar who wrote on his blog that gay men should have “sodomy” warnings tattooed on their bodies, has repeated an apology in his newspaper column today and explained why he made such a controversial suggestion.

In a piece headlined Why I was Wrong in the Darlington-based daily, the Northern Echo, Mullen writes:
“I much regret making some off-colour jokes about homosexuals on my website and I have offered a full public apology… I’m sorry I wrote what I did.”

“I voted for the Homosexual Reform Act of 1967; and I would vote for it again today. This act specified the decriminalisation of homosexual acts ‘between consenting adults in private’… ‘Private’ means in the bedroom – and neither Hampstead Heath nor public lavatories.

“What I do oppose – on the authority of the Christian faith – is the corrupting influence of the promotional parades of homosexuality by such as Gay Pride demonstrations. And that is what I was satirising.

“One might say that what was once a mortal sin is now only a lifestyle choice. And the love that once dare not speak its name now shrieks at us in high camp down every high street.”

An empty street containing a few houses and a church. Peter Mullen exits his church, locking the door behind him. He feels a sudden, cold breeze envelop his body, followed by a sharp tap on the shoulder. He spins round to see that there’s nobody there.

Mullen: What? Huh … who’s there?
Voice: Peter!
Mullen [looking petrified]: Who’s saying that? Where are you?
Voice: Peter! It is I, Rubik, the non-denominational ghost-god of logic.
Mullen: W-w-w-what?
Rubik: Would you like me to repeat that?
Mullen: No! Where are you?
Rubik: I am invisible, Peter.
Mullen: Huh? What do you want?
Rubik: I read your blog, Peter. And your apology.
Mullen: And?
Rubik: I’ve come to help you think more clearly.
Mullen: I don’t need your help. Leave me alone!
Rubik: Peter, I think you might. Do you really believe that people’s desires and beliefs should be contained to the bedroom?
Mullen: Yes! We’ve been very tolerant of homosexuals, what with the 1967 Act and everything, but they should keep it to themselves.
Rubik: I’m glad you believe in democracy, Peter. The word actually means ‘governance by the people’.
Mullen: I know.
Rubik: Do you really think that being gay is a lifestyle choice?
Mullen: Yes!
Rubik: You see, Peter, most people in this country think that religion is a belief system and lifestyle choice.
Mullen: I don’t!
Rubik: I know, Peter, I know. Just to be clear, though: do you also really believe that gay people singing or congregating to express their sexuality is wrong?
Mullen: Yes I do. It’s a private matter.
Rubik: I thought so, Peter, and that’s why I’ve come to help.
Mullen: How?
Rubik: Turn around, Peter.
Mullen: Why?
Rubik: Come on, just turn around 180 degrees for me.
[Mullen shuffles round to face the other way.]
Rubik: Now, what do you see?
Mullen: A door.
Rubik: And what’s it a door to, Peter?
Mullen: A church.
Rubik: That’s right, you idiot, it’s a great big massive church. Now, if you’ll just stay still so I can brand the word ‘hypocrite’ onto your forehead with this red-hot poker, I’ll be on my way.
[Mullen turns and runs away as fast as he can, screaming.]
Rubik: Just think about it Peter! I’m only here to help! [to himself, wearily] Ho hum. Guess I’m should get off to have a chat to that Sarah Palin about her ‘tackling corruption’ speeches.
[A gust of wind. All is quiet.]

Tags: religion, britain, homosexuality, church of england, rubik the non-denominational ghost-god of logic, peter mullen

Cherie Blair has told of her “deep sense of relief” she did not have to stand next to Nicholas Sarkozy’s wife Carla Bruni on her visit to Britain.

In an interview with US magazine Vanity Fair she joked it was not a “fair comparison” - the French president’s wife is a former supermodel.

She added she liked to think of herself as someone who might be “a role model for people who want to become lawyers”.

Mrs Blair said history would judge her husband, former PM Tony, “very well”.

“He’ll be up there with Churchill,” she argued. 

Mrs Blair, a high-ranking lawyer, went on to suggest that David Beckham might be “someone who could be a role model for people who want to become footballers” and Gordon Brown “a role model for people who want to become unemployed”.

When asked if she felt her comments were an admission that beauty was more important than brains for women, she added, “only if you look like an ostrich”.

Asked to elaborate further on her comparison between Tony Blair and Churchill she noted, accurately, that “Churchill once said he didn’t understand why people got upset about the gassing of uncivilised tribes. My husband considers towel-heads to be uncivilised, so he bombed the living bejezus out of them, most weeks, for years.”

In a continuation of its policy of publishing insufferably rhetorical codswallop, next month’s Vanity Fair will feature an article penned by Mrs Thatcher in which she will assert her belief that “having extremely rich friends high up in the media makes one’s rabidly capitalist agenda much easier to spin.”

Tags: politics, britain, carla bruni, cherie blair, women who look like ostriches, tony blair

People should not be offered “excuses” for being overweight, shadow health secretary Andrew Lansley has said.

The Conservatives want people to take responsibility for their own lifestyles and start exercising and eating more fruit and vegetables.

In a speech, he also said his party would focus on an improved diet, rather than a “fear of junk foods”.

He said there was nothing “inevitable” about being overweight: “We can’t afford to move to a world where being overweight is normal and being obese is common.”
...
In a speech titled “no nannying, no excuses” he said: “Tell people that biology and the environment causes obesity and they are offered the one thing we have to avoid: an excuse.

“As it is, people who see more fat people around them may themselves be more likely to gain weight. Young people who think many of their friends binge-drink are likely to do so themselves.”

He added: “Peer pressure and social norms are powerful influences on behaviour and they are classic excuses ... We have to take away the excuses.”

People should not be offered “excuses” for being murdered, shadow health secretary Andrew Lansley has said.

The Conservatives want people to take responsibility for their own deaths and start breathing and living longer.

In a speech, he also said his party would focus on improved running-away skills, rather than a “fear of murderers”.

He said there was nothing “inevitable” about being murdered: “We can’t afford to move to a world where being knifed is normal and being shot is common.”
...
In a speech titled “no nannying, no excuses” he said: “Tell people that poverty and access to weapons causes violence and death, and they are offered the one thing we have to avoid: an excuse.

“As it is, people who see more dead people around them may themselves be more likely to die. Young people who think many of their friends spend their free time diving head-first into open graves are likely to do so themselves.”

He added: “Peer pressure and social norms are powerful influences on behaviour and they are classic excuses ... We have to take away the excuses.”

Tags: britain, obesity, health, andrew lansley, murders

A mystery buzzing noise is driving people mad on a Sudbury estate.

Residents of the Springlands area are demanding to know what is creating the torturous sound dominating their lives – and for someone to switch it off.
...
“It sounds just like a stereo speaker with the volume turned up but no music playing – and it’s relentless,” [said Bradley Smith, Sudbury’s community warden].

In other news, God has finally gotten around to reading White Noise, the 1985 postmodernist classic by Don DeLillo.

“It was better than I thought it was going to be,” admitted Yahweh, clutching a dog-eared copy of the National Book Award–winning novel, in which an ‘airborne toxic event’ serves as a stand-in for the constant barrage of media to which the modern Western individual is subject.  He went on to criticize the dialogue as “stilted” but ratified the portrayal of contemporary consumer-driven life, an abyss in which the semiotics of human affairs are distorted and drained of meaning, leaving only a kind of ‘white noise’ in their wake.

The next book on His list is alleged to be Infinite Jest, the 1100-page David Foster Wallace magnum opus in which a futuristic world suffers the advent of a film so entertaining that it instantly reduces anyone catching a glimpse of it to a salivating braindead shell of themselves.

Informed of the plot of Infinite Jest, Sudbury community warden Bradley Smith said simply, “Bollocks.”

Tags: science, britain, god, literature, sudbury, infinite jest, buzzing, david foster wallace, white noise, don delillo

Do not worry, this is a non-violent protest. I have actually just superglued myself to the buttons of the Prime Minister.

We cannot shake away climate change like you can just shake away my arm.

http://www.getfamousforpeace.org

WELCOME INTERNET VISITORS
Today it is _October 24, 1997_

Don’t mind the construction!  We are building our Website.
Please sign our guestbook.

We are here to help you kill two birds with one stone:  save the world, and get famous.  (Please don’t actually kill any birds!  They’re probably endangered, if you’re thinking of the same ones we are.)

Need an idea for something to do?  We can help by giving you an activity and quote at the same time.

TRY OUR MAD LIBS TOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please choose one word from each of the categories below and write them down on a piece of paper.  You will need these for the next page.

emotion: _concern
adjective: _important
verb 1: _save
noun (plural): _manatees
celebrity: _Jerry Seinfeld
verb 2: _roast
social issue: _underage drinking
verb 2: _roast
noun: _vase

CLICK here for the results


























Here is your task!  Please note that you may need to interpret the results.

To help solve underage drinking, save yourself to the manatees of Jerry Seinfeld.

In order to maximize your fame, please write the following statement down and recite it when asked about your motivation:

Do not concern, this is a important protest. I have actually just saved myself to the manatees of Jerry Seinfeld.
We cannot roast away underage drinking like you can just roast away my vase.

Tags: science, britain, technology, climate change, websites, mad libs, gordon brown

A genuine leaked email from a Daily Mail features writer has surfaced:

——-Original Message——- From: rsreply@dwpub.com [mailto:rsreply@dwpub.com] Sent: 13 February 2008 15:57 To:xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Subject: Response Source - Diana Appleyard , Daily Mail (Request for personal case study) PUBLICATION: Daily Mail (Request for personal case study)
JOURNALIST: Diana Appleyard (staff)
DEADLINE: 14-February-2008 16:00
QUERY: I am urgently looking for anonymous horror stories of people who have employed Eastern European staff, only for them to steal from them, disappear, or have lied about their resident status. We can pay you £100 for taking part, and I promise it will be anonymous, just a quick phone call. Could you email me asap? Many thanks, Diana
HOW TO REPLY:
Email: mailto:dianaappleyard@aol.com
Phone: not provided for use
Fax: 01296 738083 (preferred)

——-Original Message——- From: rsreply@scapegoat.com [mailto:rsreply@scapegoat.com] Sent: 25 June 2008 15:57 To:xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Subject: Response Source - Wojtek Serafinowicz , Warszawa Gazeta (Request for personal case study)

PUBLICATION: Warszawa Gazeta
JOURNALIST: Wojtek Serafinowicz
DEADLINE: 28th June 2008
QUERY: I am urgently looking for anonymous horror stories of people who have employed xenophobic British journalists, only for them to bribe people into offering potentially dangerous information, deliberately lie or distort people’s experiences to fit in with their own racist agenda and then disappear to their nearest Gentlemen’s club with the proceeds. We can pay you 100 Zloty for taking part, and I promise that nobody will be sent round to clobber you with a big stick - just a quick poke in the eye and an invitation to do your own plumbing and manual labour in the future. Could you email me asap? Many thanks, Wojtek.

HOW TO REPLY:
Email: mailto: wojtekserafinowicz@whatthefuck.com
Phone: was smashed by overzealous Daily Mail readers.
Fax: That’s not how you spell facts, but either way they’re not necessary in British newspapers.

Tags: britain, media, immigration, xenophobia, diana appleyard, the daily mail

English students at Cambridge University have been asked to analyse lyrics by singer Amy Winehouse in a final-year exam. They were told to compare Winehouse’s Love is a Losing Game to songs by Bob Dylan, Billie Holiday and 16th century explorer Sir Walter Raleigh.
Winehouse recently won a prestigious Ivor Novello award for the song.
A university spokesman said English students had always been asked to compare writers of different times.
He said the question was ‘interesting, but not news’.

CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY EXAM BOARD
COMPARATIVE ENGLISH, MODULE II.
May 25th, 2008

1. Critique these lyrics:

‘Love Is A Losing Game’

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

The author of these lyrics is not, in my opinion, a stable person. The major themes of the song are a love lost, arson (or at least a certain combustibility) and poker. I think the author is a very keen poker player. In fact, the poker puns (’a losing hand’, ‘the chips were down’, ‘though I’m rather blind’) are the best bit of the song. This shows that the author sees love as a game of chance, although many others may feel that the love game becomes significantly easier when you don’t snort the powdered equivalent of a semi-detached house up your nose on a weekly basis.

There is also a certain fatality to these lyrics. The repetition of the phrase ‘and now the final frame’ suggests that the author sees no great future in life beyond her latest set-back. Either that, or she’s massively into snooker.

The author is also a big fan of rhyming couplets. For example, the line ‘Played out by the band / Love is a losing hand’ shows acute awareness of traditional rhyming structures used by all the lyric writing greats (see also: Des’ree, Vengaboys) over the years.

Essentially, the depth of these lyrics is endless, in much the same way as the depths of despair are endless when suffering a broken heart, or when you realise, whilst covering your tear-soaked face with your over-worked hands, that a decent voice makes people think you’re a certified song-writing genius.

Tags: entertainment, britain, snooker, amy winehouse, cambridge university

The Oreo has landed in Britain. And it is giving rise to a furious Battle of the Biscuits.
...
A new TV commercial shows a young boy teaching his scruffy dog how to eat an Oreo: “First you twist it. Then you lick it. Mmm. Then you dunk it,” he says, sploshing his Oreo into a glass of milk. This will be the first time that many Brits have seen a biscuit dipped in milk.
...
[Biscuit historian Stuart] Payne’s not convinced that Oreo can take on such a deep-rooted culture in which only the toughest, tea-complementing biscuits survive, in a society where offering someone a plate of Rich Tea, Custard Creams, or Jammie Dodgers is a way of expressing friendship, love, and concern.

The Biggins Estate, in an idyllic corner of Northamptonshire.

Young Cyril, scampering madly about: Mum!  Da!  Herbert’s returned!
Lady Biggins: I’ll be scuppered!!
Lord St. Cuppingham, Earl of Things: By Jove, you old gad-about...!!
Deaf Percy the Fish-Staver: Cripes?!?
Herbert: It’s true!  I’m back from America.  What an interesting place!
Lady Biggins: Do tell us of your adventures!, comprehensively without further delay, distraction, remittance &c.
Damon Alban: But first, as an expression of friendship, love, and concern, do permit us to offer you this plate of Rich Tea and Custard Creams.
Herbert: Well, er…
Deaf Percy the Fish-Staver: Yew blith’rin’ dolt, ‘e don’t want no Rich Tea nor no Custard Creams neither. Boy ‘Erbert’s only ivver supped upon Jammie Dodgers, ‘struth.
Clotilda Gurningwood: Plate o’ Jammie Dodgers, then, luv?
Herbert: That is to say…
Angus of-the-Vale: Marshy Wiggles?
Control: Dollopy Jamsmugglers?
Herbert: I’m terribly sorry, but I eat Oreos now.
The assembled group falls silent.
Herbert: And I—I habitually dip them in milk.  If you must know.
Young Cyril: But… But Herbert… I don’t understand.
Young Cyril runs crying to the ball-room.
Sir John Browdie: HOW IN THE BLAZES DO YOU GET A BISCUIT INSIDE A TIN OF MILK
Deaf Percy the Fish-Staver: I saw a bloke on the telly wot fed these O-re-os to a bleedin’ dog! ‘Struth, again.
Lady Biggins: I don’t quite know what to make of you, Herbert.
Herbert: Fetch the milk, Deaf Percy.  You all must try this strange and wonderful confection.
Oreos and milk are procured.  Hesitantly, the group munches away.
Sir John Browdie: I… I feel odd.
Lady Biggins: Yes, I also am experiencing the strangest sensation.
Angus of-the-Vale: SUDDENLY I FEEL COMPELLED TO PURCHASE A LORRY WOT IS MUCH LARGER THAN ACTUALLY FITS MY REQUIREMENTS AT THE MOMENT
Lord St. Cuppingham, Earl of Things: Yes, by Neptune!  Out-sized lorries for the lot of us!
Damon Alban: I find myself feeling great hostility toward Arab-speaking oil-producing nations.
Damon Alban: Great Scott!  I have also become slightly more overweight.
Lady Biggins: Darling, I don’t think I shall be attending tonight’s performance of Cymbeline after all—do you think Motley-on-the-Wold might perchance be hosting any events tonight in which lads in cars crash into each other inside a ring?  Preferably, some of the cars would spout fire.
Clotilda Gurningwood: Young Cyril, ducky, be a love and switch on all the lights in the house, and transfer the recyclables to the rubbish bin.
Sir John Browdie furtively begins pouring water into his pint of lager.
Deaf Percy the Fish-Staver: Gor!  I fink I’ll go visit me a denn-tist.

Tags: international relations, britain, culture, oreos, biscuits, deaf percy the fish-staver

The BBC is to launch a TV campaign promoting the new series of The Culture Show and its 101st episode, featuring personalities including Boris Johnson, Nigel Havers, Carl Barat and Adrian Chiles discussing cultural issues including EastEnders, sex, coffee, football and binge drinking.

BBC Radio 4’s Today presenter John Humphreys says: “[Culture] can be almost everything except politics and I’m a bit uneasy about contemporary art.”

Strong Takes has obtained the full transcript of the John Humphreys interview.

The Culture Show: Mr. Humphreys, we are here to get your opinion on what exactly is culture. Some have said –
John Humphreys: I’m going to cut you off right there. Everything but two things is culture: politics and contemporary art.
TCS: I see. What about sex?
JH: Yes. Sex is culture.
TCS: Coffee?
JH: Culture.  A bit jittery, which is to say, cultural.
TCS: Binge drinking?
JH: Obviously yes.
TCS: What about a law against binge drinking?
JH: That’s starting to sound an awful lot like politics. I’m going to say not culture.
TCS: What about a painting of some binge drinking?
JH: How old is the painting?
TCS: Pretty old.
JH: Yep, that’s culture.  That’s almost definitely culture.
TCS: Are you culture?
JH: Yes.
TCS: Am I?
JH: Yes, you – wait, do you vote?
TCS: Not really.
JH: Yeah, then you’re culture.
TCS: Culture?
JH: Culture.
TCS: What is the least cultural thing you can think of?
JH: An Andy Warhol impersonator running for a position on the local school board.
TCS: And the most cultural?
JH: A poop.

Tags: politics, britain, culture, john humphreys, contemporary art

The liberalisation of the UK postal service has produced “no significant benefits” for either households or small businesses, a report has said.

That is the initial finding of an independent review of the UK postal sector commissioned by the government.

It warned there was now a threat to the Royal Mail’s financial stability.

The Royal Mail’s 350-year monopoly ended at the start of 2006, when other licensed operators were given the right to collect and deliver mail.

It was 4:35pm in the upstairs office of No Shit! News. Instant coffee was being slurped as ties were loosened and shirt sleeves rolled up. The near-silent air conditioning slowly dried the skin of the frantic desk-jockeys as they rang round their contacts trying to find a story before the 5pm deadline. Outside, it was probably raining.
“Mitchell!”
“Yes boss!”
“What have you got for me?”
Mitchell looked flustered. “Uh ... “
“I need a scoop, son. Davies over there got me that Royal Mail story yesterday. It’s your turn to come up with the goods.”
“Uh, it’s been a slow day, sir.”
“I don’t care, Mitchell. No Shit! News prides itself on breaking the most painfully obvious pieces of information to a hungry and expectant world. Now what’s on your shortlist?”
Mitchell ran his fingers through his increasingly greasy hair, looking slightly coy. “Well, I’ve got a couple of leads, sir,” he said, handing his boss, Mr Taut O’Logy, the piece of paper. Mitchell’s shortlist consisted of five potential headlines:

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER HEAT COMES FROM SUN
WATER PROVED ‘EXCELLENT’ AT QUENCHING THIRST
ELTON JOHN CLAIMS SIEGFRIED & ROY ‘MIGHT BE GAY’
NEW MOTHER MAGAZINE GIVES ROLE-MODEL OF THE YEAR AWARD TO BRITNEY SPEARS
CUBAN GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES FIDEL CASTRO ‘NOT TO HOLIDAY IN FLORIDA THIS YEAR’

Mr O’Logy looked back at Mitchell. “Are all these stories true?” he asked, wide-eyed.
“I’m afraid not, sir,” Mitchell replied. “I made up the one about Britney.”
“But the others?”
“Yes sir, the others are all true.”
“Genius!” Mr O’logy shouted, waving the shortlist around in the air. “You’ve saved my bacon once again, son. We’ll splash all of them on the website straight away. Estella in Accounting will work out a suitable bonus tomorrow. Good work, Mitchell.”
“Thank you, sir,” Mitchell said, watching his boss stride triumphantly from the room.

Tags: britain, business, royal mail, un-unbelievable news

Cheeky Girl singer Gabriela Irimia is to marry the Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik, it has been reported.

The Montgomeryshire MP, 43, told Hello! magazine he had proposed last week in Rome and his girlfriend accepted.
Ms Irimia, 25, and her sister make up the novelty pop act the Cheeky Girls. She met Mr Opik on a TV show in 2006.
Mr Opik, who was previously engaged to ITV weather presenter Sian Lloyd, has not set a date for the wedding, the magazine reported.
Mr Opik added: “We were euphoric afterwards, walking around the city and then sipping champagne and chatting away in our hotel suite until the early hours. I couldn’t ask for things to go better than they did.”

Kofi Annan has dramatically cut short his diplomatic mission in the Darfur region of Sudan to announce his engagement to the American singer and actress, Jessica Simpson.

Speaking from his native Ghana, Mr Annan said that both he and Miss Simpson were “absolutely delighted”, and that the wedding would take place “as soon as our respective diaries allowed it”.

The couple met during a UN Goodwill mission in North Korea, where Miss Simpson performed a version of her hit, ‘A Public Affair’, in front of an audience including Kim Jong-il.

Despite an age difference between them of some 42 years, Miss Simpson said that it made “no difference at all” to their relationship. “One of the things I love most about Kofi is his maturity,” the singer said yesterday. In turn, Mr Annan praised his fiancee’s “fantastic tits”.

The news comes hot on the heels of the year’s most unexpected engagement, between quirky Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik and Transylvanian popstress Gabriela Irimia. When asked to comment on the matter at yesterday’s press conference, Mr Annan described the politician and Cheeky Girl’s announcement as “a joke, surely?”

Both Mr Opik and Miss Irimia were unavailable for comment today.

BBC News, 23rd May 2008

Tags: international relations, britain, jessica simpson, lembit opik, gabriela irimia, kofi annan, cheeky girls

Foreign nationals are being offered ways to ensure they pass UK citizenship tests, a BBC investigation has found. Fraudsters are recruiting stand-ins to sit the tests, while one language school has been providing candidates with answers.

Since 2005, most foreign nationals applying for British citizenship have to prove both proficiency in the English language and a knowledge of British culture before their application is successful.

UK CITIZENSHIP TEST 2008
(For non-dependants and those without dependables.)

SANCTIONED BY HM CIVIL SERVICE, FCO, IMMIGRATION UNIT.

This is a multiple-choice test comprising of 10 questions. You need a score of 110% or higher in order to be considered for UK citizenship. We do not care if you are partially-sighted, dyslexic, find strange exam-hall environments claustrophobic or have other aptitudes which would be better tested outside of an exam hall. We do not care if you don’t know the English words ‘claustrophobic’ or ‘aptitudes’. You have thirty seconds to complete the test. Leave no questions unanswered.

Name:
Address:
Temporary Immigration Code (if applicable):

1. The House of Lords - the second chamber in British Politics and the highest court in the country - recently published a report in which the claim that immigration increases Britain’s overall GDP was dismissed as being “irrelevant and misleading”. The argument that immigration is needed to fill job vacancies was described in the same report as being “analytically weak”, while the country’s biggest-selling newspaper splashed the story with the headline: Migrants ‘do not boost Britain’.

Do you:

A) Want to take this test?
B)
C) Not want to take this test?

2. Prince Philip (Greek) - long-serving husband to the country’s head of state (German) - has travelled a lot. Which of the following statements are actual, true, not-made-up direct quotes from Prince Philip:

1) To a Briton he met in Hungary in 1993: “You can’t have been here that long - you haven’t got a pot belly”.
2) To a Scottish driving instructor in 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
3) To British students during a Royal visit to China in 1986: “If you stay here much longer you’ll all be slitty-eyed.”

A) 1, 2 and 3.
B) All of them
C) All of them, but there are many more quotes like this available to view on the internet.

3. This is also a language test. We don’t speak any other languages so you have to learn ours. Thankfully, though, English is simple, innit? Please put a cross next to the one sentence from those below that you would be unlikely to hear on the streets of Britain:

A) I ad eight pints a-stella down the duck on frydee and was well trolleyed, innit?
B) Fuckin immigrants are floodin this country and stealing our hard-earned tax money threw hand-outs and benefits, innit?
C) What this country needs is to grow up. I would get down on my knees and plead to the y-front-wearing press barons of this island not to continue making money by peddling bile and hatred to an over-worked and disillusioned people who were sold a lie thirty years ago by an evil old witch and who are now witnessing the true cost of greed and a fractious society in which scapegoats are needed. Pint of bitter, please.

4. Which of the following celebrities is the best role model for your children?

A) Millionaire dumb-nut David Beckham.
B) Millionaire dumb-nut Charlotte Church.
C) Millionaire racist dumb-nut Jade Goody.

5. You have just answed question 4. This a test for people without dependants, as clearly stated at the top of this form. You are disqualified, and we also now know who you are.

Tags: international relations, britain, immigration, xenophobia, prince philip, innit