ukraine is game to you?
Jessica Simpson’s movie Blonde Ambition made just $1,332 during its opening weekend in the U.S. But in the Ukraine, her film is a huge success. Not only are people flocking to theaters to see Jessica on the big screen, they want her to come visit. “She is really the ideal of American beauty and style, like Barbie,” Alex Shpiluk, a film producer and member of the Ukrainian Film Commission, tells In Touch. “She would be useful to us and our image.”
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Most esteemed Reverend Joseph Simpson,
I write first of all to express my outrage at the boorish and troglodytic American filmgoing public, who have unaccountably rewarded the latest and most transcendent performance of your daughter Jessica with a paltry $1,332. $1,332! Even in Ukraine, this would be a disappointing opening weekend. For her to be thus disgraced fills me with almost uncontrollable anger.
She is really the ideal of American beauty and style, like Barbie.
On behalf of the Ukrainian Film Commission, I humbly invite your daughter to relocate to the country that will truly acknowledge her inestimable value to cinema: Ukraine! As you may be aware, we in Ukraine are great fans of “Blonde Ambition,” as well as “Dukes of Hazzard” and “Employee of the Month,” in which your winsome Jessica portrays a cashier. Truly, a jewel of film.
In Ukraine, she would be received as a goddess. She would walk to and fro on the prostrate bodies of adoring citizens. Her every kilowatt smile would be cause for a fete. Each of her magnificent breasts would be the toast of Kyiv.
She would be useful to us and our image.
I eagerly await your reply.
Yours,
Alex Shpiluk
Film Producer
P.S. If Jessica chooses not to grace us with her inexpressible beauty, would you by any chance happen to know the agent for Rob Schneider?