To the crack of the bat, the cadence of the quarterback and the thwack of a tennis racket, add a new element to America’s sports soundtrack — the shrieks, cries and shouts of N.B.A. players as they try to put the ball in the basket.
...
“I guess once word got out that more often than not, you make a noise going to the basket, you’ll get a foul call, it just became second nature for a lot of guys,” said the Knicks’ Malik Rose, a veteran forward in his 13th year, who cited [Kobe] Bryant, Vince Carter and Allen Iverson as trendsetters.

The Bryant family home.

Kobe Bryant: Girls, you have about two minutes to get up.
Natalia Bryant: Aw, Dad.
Kobe Bryant: ...before Daddy starts serving his patented #24 Laker slam-dunk free-throw omelettes!
Natalia Bryant: YAYYYY
Friend of Natalia: YAYYYY
Natalia Bryant: OMG DADDY I LOVE U
Friend of Natalia: Your dad is the coolest!!
Kobe Bryant: First, we need to crack open these eggs.
Kobe Bryant: OW
Friend of Natalia: What’s wrong?!
Kobe Bryant: Nothing’s wrong!  These eggs look great.
Kobe Bryant: Now we’re going to gently saute some shallots in butter.
Kobe Bryant: ARGH
Friend of Natalia: Oh no!  Did you hurt yourself?!
Natalia Bryant: He’s fine.
Kobe Bryant: Of course I am!  Mmmm, that smells good.
Kobe Bryant: Where did I put that whisk?  Oh, here it is.
Kobe Bryant: EEK
Friend of Natalia:
Natalia Bryant:
Kobe Bryant: EEEEEEEEEEEK
Friend of Natalia: I feel like I shouldn’t be watching this.

Tags: sports, basketball, vince carter, los angeles lakers, allen iverson, kobe bryant's patented #24 laker slam-dunk free-throw omelettes, shrieking, kobe bryant, nba

Eighty percent of women say they’re unhappy with their appearance, and 67% of women ages 25 to 45 are trying to shed pounds—though 53% of those women are already at a healthy weight. The report also cited a study in which 69% of the respondents (18 and older) said they were in favor of plastic surgery—a 7% increase from 2006.

With the media playing a larger role in our daily lives, young girls are more susceptible to low self-esteem—based on beauty ideals—than ever before and are subject to greater harassment. “The use of aggressive bullying between girls has been on the rise since the early 1990s, based on issues such as physical attributes and social status,” states one study. According to another: “Mean girls . . . often don’t grow out of the behavior and they become adult women who exhibit the same behavior.” And we thought trash-talking on the basketball court was bad.

An apartment common room.  Dave is reading Sports Illustrated on the couch, his eyes red and unhappy.  Brad enters.

Dave, attempting to conceal the magazine under his person: Oh.  Hey Brad.
Brad: What’s happening, dogg.
Dave: I’m just, uh—yeah, just kind of hanging out.
Brad: What’s that you got there.
Dave: It’s noth—I mean, got what?  I don’t have anything.
Dave, with sudden anger: WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET OFF MY CASE.
Brad: Dogg.  You have to stop reading Sports Illustrated.
Dave:
Brad:
Dave: I am never going to have a decent jump shot.
Brad crosses to the couch and puts his arm around Dave, whose chin is quivering.
Brad, with quiet vehemence: Those guys are idiots.  You hear me?  You have a great jumper.  Most guys can’t even dream of having your jumper.
Dave, choking back tears with huge gulping sounds: Yeah.  No, I know.  Yeah.
Brad: Dave, I found this on the kitchen counter.
Brad produces a plastic surgery brochure.
Dave shakes his head helplessly.
Brad, softly: Dave, these cost tens of thousands of dollars.  And they’re not gonna help you make a prettier layup.  All they do is put collagen in your wrists—Dave, the guys on the court are gonna know.
Dave, almost inaudibly: It’s worth it.
Brad: It’s NOT worth it.
Brad: Dave.  Listen to me.  Eighty percent of men are unhappy with their crossover dribble.
Dave: [unintelligible]
Brad: Eighty percent.  And 67% are working on a more effective crossover—even though 53% already have an optimal crossover for their height and weight.
Dave:
Brad: Just promise me you’ll think about this before doing something you might regret.  Promise me.
Dave:
Brad:

The next day, on the court.
Pickup Basketball Player Number One: Dave!  Man!  Your three-point percentage is wack.
Pickup Basketball Player Number Two: Yeah, it’s all wack and shi—
Brad, furiously: DON’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO HIM.
Pickup Basketball Players:
Brad: DON’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ALL OF US.

Tags: sports, basketball, gender wars, sports illustrated, body image

History says [Mavericks forward Dirk] Nowitzki will actually rebound faster than anyone who saw the footage would dare imagine … as long as the damage is restricted to the ankle area. He’s done it so many times that he makes you think he has bionic ankles, with one theory in Mavsland suggesting that Nowitzki—thanks to years of countless deep-knee bends and other unorthodox exercises with his German mentor Holger Geschwindner—can play through ankle sprains so easily because of his world-class flexibility.

HolgerGeschwindner912 and allyoucaneatschrempf have invited you to a conference chat. Do you accept? y
HolgerGeschwindner912: Dirk.
HolgerGeschwindner912: My child.
heart_of_dirkne$$: wazzup !!!!
heart_of_dirkne$$: h 2 tha g repre$ent
heart_of_dirkne$$: detlef in tha hou$e, i see u
allyoucaneatschrempf: HELLO DIRK
HolgerGeschwindner912: In a shaded recess of the Black Forest I discovered you.
HolgerGeschwindner912: With a father’s discipline and a mother’s tender love did I mold you.
HolgerGeschwindner912: Your arabesques were once the envy of the civilized world, Dirk.
HolgerGeschwindner912: Your perfect turnout, your fifth position, your plié.
HolgerGeschwindner912: And the deep-knee bends.
HolgerGeschwindner912: Each more exquisite than the last.
heart_of_dirkne$$: do this rel8 2 how my ankle b all bu$ted up
heart_of_dirkne$$: kuz that b relatively $tr8forwurd
HolgerGeschwindner912: Dirk, my perfect Teutonic specimen.
HolgerGeschwindner912: What have they done to you?
heart_of_dirkne$$: 2tonik kronik LOL
heart_of_dirkne$$: naw we wuz ju$t $tr8 ballin
HolgerGeschwindner912: What?
heart_of_dirkne$$: sum punk-a$$ boxt me out
heart_of_dirkne$$: i wuz all, DAMM
allyoucaneatschrempf: I DO NOT UNEDRSTAND THIS “$tr8 ballin”
heart_of_dirkne$$: N
heart_of_dirkne$$: it$ takin u a long-a$$ time 2 type btw
HolgerGeschwindner912: Why are you intentionally misspelling your words, Dirk?
heart_of_dirkne$$: ...
heart_of_dirkne$$: str8 ballin
heart_of_dirkne$$: doktor tolt me my ankle wuz like krazy $trong
heart_of_dirkne$$: on akkount of all tha ballet $h!t
allyoucaneatschrempf: I HAD SIMLAR EXPERIENCE
allyoucaneatschrempf: CAN WE SPEAK GERMN NOW
HolgerGeschwindner912: Dirk.
HolgerGeschwindner912: It is not too late for you.
heart_of_dirkne$$: h geezy
heart_of_dirkne$$: if u about 2 invoke swan lake agin
HolgerGeschwindner912: The Munich Ballet has not yet cast the lead for this year’s performance of “Swan Lake.”
heart_of_dirkne$$: i promiss u i will bounce wit tha qwikne$$
heart_of_dirkne$$: PEACE IN THA MIDLE EA$T !!!!
heart_of_dirkness has left the conference chat.
HolgerGeschwindner912: Dirk!  I command you not to bounce!
HolgerGeschwindner912: Sigh.
HolgerGeschwindner912: I think we’ve lost him, Detlef.

allyoucaneatschrempf: MAYBE NEXT TIME WE DO NOT SPEAK STUPID ENGILSH??
allyoucaneatschrempf: I’M NOT SURE WHY YOU KEEP INVITED ME TO THESE ANYHOW

Tags: sports, conference chat, basketball, detlef schrempf, holger geschwindner, ballet, dirk nowitzki

[Rick] Swift will be reevaluated by Dr. Steve Lombardo in Los Angeles. If the injury is confirmed, Swift likely is out for the rest of the season, although Seattle coach P.J. Carlesimo would not rule out a return before it ends.

It’s horrible news for him, and it’s not good for us,” Carlesimo said. “We want to play him. We want to look at him.”

As Coach Carlesimo left the podium, I noticed a flutter of white.  Ducking cameras and boom mics to reach the swiftly emptying platform, I grasped at the scrap of paper and tucked it carefully into my wallet.  Once free of the elbowing masses, I ducked into a doorway to pour over my prize.  The part of the printout that had not been torn away was blurry and spotted—with what: water? sweat?—but the thicket of bolded blue words remained legible, the two scrawled red circles still crisp on the battered paper.

      ou want to do to Rick Swift? (just click & wa
    ench, buy a drink for, chest bump, dr
eat with, feed, goose, high five, hug, j
look at, lick, medicate, motivate, no
 inch, play, pwn, rest, smack, sea
   ain, trip, urge on, validate, we

Tags: sports, basketball, facebook, robert swift, p.j. carlesimo

Basketball is a game often compared to jazz, with its improvisation and ebb and flow. There is nothing wrong with celebrating the sport in the birthplace of jazz, especially when one All-Star in particular, New Orleans Hornets point guard Chris Paul, plays like Coltrane.

When I showed up for my first practice in New Orleans, I was prepared for a lot—but the absence of basketball hoops still caught me by surprise.

“Basketball is like its own crazy language, you dig?” said coach Byron Scott, peering out from under a porkpie hat and puffing on a hand-rolled cigarette.  He added: “Scoobidy beep bam bop.”

Chris Paul entered the gym, balancing a basketball with a cricket bat and hopping on one foot.  As various Hornets looked on in interest, the vacant-eyed Paul did a somersault, kicked the ball up at the rafters, and commenced removing all of his clothing.

Said an unimpressed Peja Stojakovic: “That cat needs to learn to play with some dynamics.”

Tags: sports, basketball, byron scott, new orleans jazz, jazz, chris paul

When [Sidney] Crosby gets to the television remote first, he clicks madly from channel to channel. It drives road roommate Colby Armstrong mad.
...
Armstrong drags a reporter over to Crosby and announces loudly that he wants to do the interview over, that he’s going to reveal Sid’s affection for Chandler on “Friends.” Crosby interrupts, revealing that not only does Armstrong love “Ellen” but he also likes to dance along to her show opening.
...
For every comment Armstrong makes about the size of Crosby’s butt ("It’s kind of big"), Crosby will chide his friend about the way he eats and the noises he makes when he sleeps.

Jonathan Papelbon has been in the shower for forty-five minutes. To road companion Manny Delcarmen, this is nothing new. “It’s always like, don’t make me come in after you!” laughs the Boston reliever. “Cause I’ll do it!” Delcarmen becomes more somber: “But seriously, it’s really not good for his skin.”
From the shower, Papelbon retorts: “Like he knows what he’s doing with his skin. He doesn’t even exfoliate.”

Strolling through a colorful SoHo outdoor market, Steelers tight end Heath Miller oohs and ahs at an array of afghans—but road “partner” Ben Roethlisberger is having none of it.  “You already have, like, ten afghans,” the young quarterback and team leader reminds his friend. “You always forget that you have all these freaking afghans back home.” Miller pouts: “But I want one.”

Over a delicious homemade macchiato in his downtown loft, 7’3” Lithuanian center Zydrunas Ilgauskas confides quietly that fellow Cavalier LeBron James “is a terrible listener.”

Tags: sports, basketball, football, baseball, gay, hockey, lebron james, heath miller, zydrunas ilgauskas, ben roethlisberger, sidney crosby, jonathan papelbon, colby armstrong, manny delcarmen