Pirates took four European tourists hostage after their yacht ran out of fuel off the coast of northern Somalia in the Red Sea’s Gulf of Aden, according to a Somaliland official.

The pirates then took their hostages—a man, woman, their child and their yacht’s pilot—into hills around the fishing town of Las Qoray, said Ahmed Yusuf Yasin, vice president of the self-declared Republic of Somaliland.

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Yasin said he believed the hostages were either French or German.

Pirates took four American League players hostage yesterday after they inadvertently wandered too close to the Pittsburgh dugout, according to a clubhouse official.

The Pirates (tentatively identified as Nate McLouth, Xavier Nady, and Tom Gorzelanny) then took their hostages—a pitcher, shortstop, and two outfielders—into the team’s locker room, said Brian Garrity, president and treasurer of the self-declared Bucs Nation Ultimate Fanclub (BNUF).

Garrity said he believed the hostages were either Mariners or Yankees.

Tags: international relations, sports, baseball, somalia, flippant interpretations of genuinely traumatic events, pittsburgh pirates, pirates

Giambi doesn’t plan to hang up his cleats just yet, but he’s not exactly ruing the day he does. “After A-Rod retires, he wants to be a real estate mogul, the next Donald Trump,” Giambi says. “I could care less. As long as I can have a fast boat and a margarita machine and can light my hair on fire, I’ll be just fine.”

“And a surgeon on hand who knows how to do skin grafts, I guess.  You know, just in case.”

Tags: sports, baseball, jason giambi, new york yankees, a fast boat and a margarita machine

Jason Giambi has a deep, dark secret. Deeper than his compulsion to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door, and darker than his dream of growing up to be a heavy-metal musician.

The deepest, darkest secret harbored by the New York Yankees first baseman is that whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. “I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump,” he confides.

“When my baserunning speed is flagging, of course, my black leather garters are plenty lucky,” Giambi says.  “You don’t want to do anything too crazy over a minor problem like that.  And when I’m having trouble with my throwing arm, a little Autumn Dusk toenail polish usually does the trick, no fuss, no muss.”

“During the playoffs, the stakes are obviously higher, so in those situations I find I usually need to slip into into a Victoria’s Secret Angels Air™ push-up bra in all-over lace,” muses the 37-year-old first baseman and designated hitter.

“I usually reserve my vintage Elizabethan-era corset for the really bad times,” he continues, ignoring this reporter’s growing discomfort. 

“Of course, you didn’t always have to resort to this kind of [stuff],” adds the slugger.  “Used to be, you could just juice yourself up and call it a day.”

Tags: sports, baseball, new york yankees, jason giambi, gold lamé tiger-stripe thong, no fuss no muss

When [Sidney] Crosby gets to the television remote first, he clicks madly from channel to channel. It drives road roommate Colby Armstrong mad.
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Armstrong drags a reporter over to Crosby and announces loudly that he wants to do the interview over, that he’s going to reveal Sid’s affection for Chandler on “Friends.” Crosby interrupts, revealing that not only does Armstrong love “Ellen” but he also likes to dance along to her show opening.
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For every comment Armstrong makes about the size of Crosby’s butt ("It’s kind of big"), Crosby will chide his friend about the way he eats and the noises he makes when he sleeps.

Jonathan Papelbon has been in the shower for forty-five minutes. To road companion Manny Delcarmen, this is nothing new. “It’s always like, don’t make me come in after you!” laughs the Boston reliever. “Cause I’ll do it!” Delcarmen becomes more somber: “But seriously, it’s really not good for his skin.”
From the shower, Papelbon retorts: “Like he knows what he’s doing with his skin. He doesn’t even exfoliate.”

Strolling through a colorful SoHo outdoor market, Steelers tight end Heath Miller oohs and ahs at an array of afghans—but road “partner” Ben Roethlisberger is having none of it.  “You already have, like, ten afghans,” the young quarterback and team leader reminds his friend. “You always forget that you have all these freaking afghans back home.” Miller pouts: “But I want one.”

Over a delicious homemade macchiato in his downtown loft, 7’3” Lithuanian center Zydrunas Ilgauskas confides quietly that fellow Cavalier LeBron James “is a terrible listener.”

Tags: sports, basketball, football, baseball, gay, hockey, lebron james, heath miller, zydrunas ilgauskas, ben roethlisberger, sidney crosby, jonathan papelbon, colby armstrong, manny delcarmen