In what might amount to an early Christmas present to the universe, two groups of astronomers have taken the first pictures of what they say — and other astronomers agree — are probably planets going around other stars.
...
“It’s the tip of the iceberg,” said Christian Marois of the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, British Columbia. “Now that we know they are there, there is going to be an explosion.”

“We were totally expecting this,” continued Dr. Marois. “The Americans have just elected their first black president, which means it is now officially the future. Discovering new planets is just the kind of thing that’s going to happen now that Barack Obama has been elected. This is only the beginning.”

According to Dr. Marois, the reader can also look forward to bitterly opposed visitors from the post-apocalyptic future, a “light-to-moderate” global plague of nanobots, and the successful cloning of Adolf Hitler, all by the midterm elections in 2010.

“By then, people will wish they hadn’t voted for quite so much change, but the future is not a genie you can just stuff back into its bottle.”

Dr. Marois went on to predict a close presidential race in 2012 with President Obama and Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska both being narrowly edged out by Xanthu, a superintelligent orangutan from one of the newly discovered planets.

Assured Dr. Marois: “His reign shall be just.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, science, the future, astrophysics, extrasolar planets, xanthu

Since the time of Harry Truman, presidents and their families have been assigned security code names.
...
The Obama family has received its new—and alliterative—names: “Renegade” (Barack), “Renaissance” (Michelle), “Radiance” (Malia) and “Rosebud” (Sasha).

These not-so-secret names used by the Secret Service are chosen by the White House Communications Agency.

How Well Do You Know Your Secret Service Code Names? 
a quiz

Section I
Please choose the real honest-to-God code name for each of the following.

1. Al Gore
  a) Sawhorse
  b) Barstool
  c) Nightstand
  d) Table

2. Sarah Palin
  a) Yukon
  b) Denali
  c) Tundra
  d) Sierra

3. Joe Biden
  a) Gallic
  b) Franco
  c) Celtic
  d) Greco

Section II
Please indicate whether the names given below are:
  a) actual Secret Service codenames
  b) stripper names
  c) horse names

4. Lancer
5. Dancer
6. Tripper
7. Rawhide
8. Dynamo
9. Starlight
10. Cavalier
11. Driller
12. Minuteman

Section III
Please match the Secret Service codenames listed below with the public figure they were assigned to.

13. Evergreen   a. Karenna Gore
14. Unicorn       b. Jesse Jackson
15. Smurfette    c. Hillary Clinton
16. Kittyhawk    d. Betty Ford
17. Thunder      e. Queen Elizabeth II
18. Napoleon    f. Prince Charles
19. Pinafore      g. Pope John Paul II
20. Halo            h. Frank Sinatra






































Answers

Section I:
1. a
2. b
3. c

Section II:
Technically, for any of these, (a), (b), and (c) are all correct.
4. Lancer (John F. Kennedy)
5. Dancer (Rosalynn Carter)
6. Tripper (Jeb Bush)
7. Rawhide (Ronald Reagan)
8. Dynamo (Amy Carter)
9. Starlight (Pat Nixon)
10. Cavalier (Walter Mondale)
11. Driller (Todd Palin)
12. Minuteman (John Kerry)

Section III:
13. Evergreen   c. Hillary Clinton
14. Unicorn       f. Prince Charles
15. Smurfette    a. Karenna Gore
16. Kittyhawk    e. Queen Elizabeth II
17. Thunder      b. Jesse Jackson
18. Napoleon    h. Frank Sinatra
19. Pinafore      d. Betty Ford
20. Halo            g. Pope John Paul II

Tags: politics, barack obama, president-elect barack obama, national security, secret service code names, radiance, good names for a stripper or horse, rosebud, renegade, renaissance

Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has paid a fulsome though bizarre tribute to US President-elect Barack Obama on Thursday, describing him as “young, handsome and even suntanned”. 

Echoes persist of Berlusconi’s congratulations to German chancellor Angela Merkel upon her election in 2005, when he praised her as “young, handsome and possessing a most peculiar inverted penis”.

Tags: politics, barack obama, international relations, inverted penis, angela merkel, gaffes, silvio berlusconi

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation’s next first lady, Michelle Obama.

Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House.

And yes, you may name him “Maverick.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, president-elect barack obama, sasha obama, malia obama, puppy, first dog

They voted to break with George W. Bush’s sorry legacy and to restore a nation’s pride and self-confidence in what the charismatic Obama, echoing Martin Luther King, calls “the fierce urgency of now.”

It proved, in the final analysis, to be a more compelling idea than McCain’s “the moderate proximity of soon.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, the fierce urgency of now, maybe we might, the moderate proximity of soon, oh my god we just elected the complete opposite of george w. bush, yes we can

hopefully you have voted already

if you fail to vote, strongtakes.com will come to your house and tattoo an image of richard nixon on your forehead

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, go vote right now, elections

On a cold, gray morning a week before Election Day, President Bush briefly emerged from the White House for an unannounced visit to the headquarters of the Republican National Committee in Southeast Washington.

Outside the RNC building, Bush continued to face record-low approval ratings and a presidential campaign focused on his failings. But inside an overflowing conference room, he was greeted with roaring applause as he urged his fellow Republicans to keep pushing for the finish line.
…
“Everybody kind of wanted to spend the last 100-plus days doing some legacy things, and the financial crisis has thrown a wrench into that,” said one prominent Republican who regularly talks with senior White House officials.

“You have a combination of no legacy stuff, a horrible economic mess and the likelihood that Obama is going to win,” this person added. “There is a real sadness there.”

REPUBLICAN PARTY MEMO (WHITE HOUSE CIRCULATION ONLY)

Ideas on how to spend about one-third of a year doing some legacy things for our out-going President, George W. Bush.

1. Take a trip to Florida. Stay with Jeb. Take a low-key motorcade into predominantly black areas. Steal some stuff (things to steal: the concepts of enfranchisement, democracy and eight yeas of history?). Action: Impossible. Darn finance meltdown thing too much of an obstacle. Also, can you steal a concept? Maybe.

2. Throw a party. Don’t invite: Kofi Annan, the French. Do invite: Hans Blix (ignore, tee hee!), Wall Street bankers (get them drunk), G.B Snr. Food ideas – no broccoli or pretzels.

3. Commission an aquatic-based, memorial theme park in New Orleans named W.aterW.orld. Have a ride called ‘waterboarding’. Action: No action, naturally.

4. Release one prisoner per month from Guantanamo, like Emperor Pontius Pilate does for Passover in Life of Brian. Pros: Makes G.W.B look like Roman Emperor. Cons: Could upset Christian Right.

5. Get 700 Billion out of Federal Reserve. Buy film-making equipment. Produce feature called ‘How I Jizzed Up Lots of Cash On My Buddies’. (Note: must stop Tony trying to suck off G.W.B again. Too risky with so many cameras around.)

Tags: politics, barack obama, george w. bush, republicans, financial crisis, legacy stuff

Let me just say categorically I’m proud of the people that come to our rallies. Whenever you get a large rally of 10,000, 15,000, 20,000 people, you’re going to have some fringe peoples. You know that. And I’ve—and we’ve always said that that’s not appropriate.

But to somehow say that group of young women who said “Military wives for McCain” are somehow saying anything derogatory about you, but anything—and those veterans that wear those hats that say “World War II, Vietnam, Korea, Iraq,” I’m not going to stand for people saying that the people that come to my rallies are anything but the most dedicated, patriotic men and women that are in this nation and they’re great citizens.

And I’m not going to stand for somebody saying that because someone yelled something at a rally—there’s a lot of things that have been yelled at your rallies, Senator Obama, that I’m not happy about either. 

An Obama rally.

Barack Obama: ...It’s very simple: the Rousseauist notion of a citizen-magistrate majority is not only unattainable, even in a sort of figurative sense, it is—
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: MCCAIN’S TAX PROPOSALS SUCK
Barack Obama: I beg your pardon?
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: MCCAIN’S TAX PROPOSALS
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1:
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: THEY SUCK
Barack Obama: Now, that is not a fair thing to say.  I repudiate that statement.  That’s—that’s over the line.
A Lone Voice from the Audience #2: MCCAIN’S TAX PROPOSALS ARE ILL-CONCEIVED
Joe Biden: I would agree with that one.
Barack Obama: Yeah, that one I can get behind.  They’re definitely ill-conceived.  You can’t just say that they suck.
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: WHAT ABOUT MCCAIN IS AN OLD CRAZY COOT
Barack Obama: No.  Absolutely not.
Joe Biden: You’re calling him a “coot,” number one.  Number two, you’re also calling him “crazy.”
A Lone Voice from the Audience #3: IT IS ENTIRELY LEGITIMATE TO CITE JOHN MCCAIN’S AGE AND HEALTH IN A DISCUSSION OF HIS FITNESS TO BE PRESIDENT
Barack Obama:
Joe Biden: I’d buy that one.
Barack Obama: Not something I intend to spend a lot of time talking about, but fine.
Joe Biden: Let me repeat:  I’d buy that one.
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: AWRIGHT LEMME TRY AGAIN
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: UHH
Barack Obama: I feel like we’re getting sidetracked, here.
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: SARAH PALIN IS A [VAGINA]
Joe Biden:
Barack Obama:
Michelle Obama: Sarah Palin has a [vagina]?  Or Sarah Palin is a [vagina].
A Lone Voice from the Audience #1: IS
Barack Obama: Yeah, again, that’s not gonna work.
Joe Biden: Kind of a tough word, number one.  Number two—well, yeah.
Barack Obama: Friend, you’re conflating—you’re proposing a significational dynamic known as ‘synecdoche.’
Barack Obama: In other words, you’re being a synecdochebag.
Audience:
Barack Obama: It’s a lot funnier if you know how that’s spelled.

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, joe biden, synecdoche, sarah palin is a [vagina]

If he does [lose], it wouldn’t be the first time that polls have overstated support for an African-American candidate. Since 1982, people have talked about the Bradley effect, where even last-minute polls predict a wide margin of victory, yet the black candidate goes on to lose, or win in a squeaker. (In the case that lent the phenomenon its name, Tom Bradley, the mayor of Los Angeles, lost his race for governor, the assumption being that voters lied to pollsters about their support for an African-American.)

Other lesser-known effects that might hurt the Democrats’ chances this November:

The Barone Effect – Named after Colby Barone, the black gubernatorial candidate in the 1984 Pennsylvania election, who though predicted to win by a large margin lost in a squeaker after election officials enforced the little known “Sorry, no blacks” law.

The Butterfly Effect – Named after Tom Butterfly, the black mayoral candidate in the 1992 Denver election, who though predicted to win in a landslide lost by a thin margin after a hand gesticulation in a speech caused a tsunami that inexplicably wiped out the majority of the black constituency.

The Special Effect – With this effect, on the night of the election, computer-generated images (CGI) of aliens attacking the White House shown on TV distract the public while votes cast for the heavily favored black candidate are burned in a large incinerator.

The Cause and Effect – An effect whereby the candidate with the most votes wins regardless of the color of his or her skin or which party he or she belongs to.*

*Not always applicable in elections with blatant corruption, racist voting procedures, or the Electoral College.

Tags: politics, barack obama, tom bradley, exciting new ways for the democrats to lose, the electoral college, the bradley effect

”It’s just malarkey, flat malarkey,” Biden said of the Ayers criticism. “The guy Barack Obama is going to turn and ask opinion to is me, not that guy.”

A lunch counter.

Barack Obama: The club sandwich looks good.
Joe Biden: It’s got turkey, number one.  Number two, it’s also got bacon.
Barack Obama: Although I always feel better after, after eating a salad.
Joe Biden: Let me repeat: the club sandwich also has bacon.
Barack Obama: These salads look pretty good too.
Barack Obama: But not as good as the club sandwich.
Barack Obama, to himself: I need to get an opinion on this one.
Joe Biden, waiting expectantly:
Barack Obama: Joe, do you have Bill Ayers’s number?  I remember he used to have pretty good thoughts on lunc
Joe Biden is holding a kitchen knife.
Barack Obama:
Joe Biden: I will not be ignored.

Tags: politics, barack obama, joe biden, sandwiches, bill ayers, fatal attraction

Asked if she thought Senator Obama was dishonest, [Sarah Palin responded]:

“I’m not saying he’s dishonest, but in terms of judgment, in terms of being able to answer a question forthrightly, it has two different parts to this. The judgment and the truthfulness and just being able to answer very candidly a simple question about when did you know him, how did you know him, is there still — has there been an association continued since ’02 or ’05, I know I’ve read a couple different stories. I think it’s relevant.”

Todd Palin: Honey, is everything all right?  You’re not touching the salmon that I grilled for you.
Sarah Palin:
Todd Palin: Do you think the salmon is not delicious?
Sarah Palin: I’m not saying it’s not delicious, but in terms of flavor, in terms of being able to to feed a human forthrightly, it has been two different parts to this.
Todd Palin:
Sarah Palin: The flavor and the mouthwateringness and just being able to feed very directly a hungry human about when was it grilled, how was it grilled — has there been a marinade using teriyaki sauce or mustard, I know I’ve read a couple different stories.
Todd Palin:
Sarah Palin: I think it’s relevant.
Todd Palin, sadly: Politics has changed you.

Tags: politics, barack obama, sarah palin, todd palin, salmon, politics has changed you

In the Roosevelt Room after the session, the Treasury secretary, Henry M. Paulson Jr., literally bent down on one knee as he pleaded with Ms. Pelosi not to “blow it up” by withdrawing her party’s support for the package over what Ms. Pelosi derided as a Republican betrayal.

“I didn’t know you were Catholic,” Ms. Pelosi said, a wry reference to Mr. Paulson’s kneeling, according to someone who observed the exchange. She went on: “It’s not me blowing this up, it’s the Republicans.”

Mr. Paulson sighed. “I know. I know.”

Office of the Press Secretary
September 25, 2008
PRIVATE CONSULTATION AMONG DEMOCRATS DURING RECESS FOLLOWING REPUBLICAN BAILOUT COUNTERPROPOSAL
THE ROOSEVELT ROOM
Partial Transcript.

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES MAJORITY LEADER NANCY PELOSI (D-CA.) [unintelligible]
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER HARRY REID (D-NV.) No, that was, that was fine, I thought
PELOSI I just feel like that could have been wittier.
REID [unintelligible]
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA (D-IL.) It was—I would say that was reasonably witty
REID It was very witty, I thought
PELOSI I didn’t want to say, you know, “Why, Hank, you know I’m a married woman.” I was pretty sure that wasn’t the thing to say.
OBAMA No, I don’t believe that would have gone over well.
PELOSI Yeah.
REID Yeah, it’d be like, “Hey, did you remember I was a woman?  Because I’m a woman.”
OBAMA There’d be a certain, um
REID “With great legs.”
PELOSI Yeah.  Yeah.
REID You did perfectly fine.
PELOSI [unintelligible]
REID I guess another option would have been, “I now dub you Sir Hank!” And touch him on the head with, with like an umbrella.
OBAMA [unintelligible]
REID “Sir Hank of the Bailout of, of Lehmania.”
PELOSI Too obvious.
REID You know what, I just don’t have it today.
OBAMA Alternatively, you could have said, “Hank, if you’re going to sell out your economic beliefs, and additionally ask me to sell out mine, along with the trust of those who appointed us to our respective positions—in my case a majority of Americans, in your case the President of the United States—all due to some last-minute Republican reneging—then you could at least go down on both knees.”
REID [unintelligible]
PELOSI That’s good.  That’s better than mine.  I knew there was a better one.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH I think it’s too bulky.
REID (agitated) Mr. President, you have to stop listening in on our huddles.

Tags: politics, barack obama, george w. bush, bailout, nancy pelosi, henry paulson, sir hank of the bailout of lehmania, harry reid, fake transcripts

[T]he campaign of Senator John McCain on Tuesday unveiled a new television advertisement claiming that [Senator Barack] Obama, the Democratic nominee, favors “comprehensive sex education” for kindergarten students [referring to a 2003 sex education bill proposed in the Illinois legislature, which Mr. Obama supported]...[T]he main objective of the legislation, as it pertained to kindergarteners [was] to teach them how to defend themselves against sexual predators.

In comments Wednesday, McCain campaign chief strategist Steve Schmidt explained the logic of opposition to such a bill. “Look, it couldn’t be simpler: a McCain-Palin administration will support abstinence-only sex education, because if you don’t teach teens about sex, then they won’t have sex. Obviously. By the same logic, if we don’t teach our children about sexual abuse, then they can’t be sexually abused.  So the real question is, why do Senators Obama and Biden want your children to be sexually abused? Right? Because that’s the real question.”

Mr. Schmidt went on to explain Sen. McCain and Governor Palin’s opposition to teaching our kids about obesity—"it makes them fat"—about pooping their pants—"it makes them poop their pants"—and about earthquakes—"it causes earthquakes”.

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, sarah palin, joe biden, obesity, steve schmidt, earthquakes, sex education, logic

Oprah Winfrey, America’s favourite daytime TV star, has refused to have Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin as a guest on her talk show.

…

“When I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates,” she said in a statement.

Winfrey’s statement slammed reports on Drudge that there was a fierce debate going on among her staff about having Palin on as a guest. Winfrey called the story “categorically untrue” and said there had been no discussion about having Palin on during the election.

“I agree that Sarah Palin would be a fantastic interview, and I would love to have her on after the campaign is over,” Winfrey said.

O, The Oprah Magazine
Letter from the Editor
9/7/08

Dear Readers,

I control the daytime television airwaves. I’m one of the most
respected voices of the African-American community in the United
States. I am the richest woman on Earth – that’s right, I’m still richer than J.K. Rowling and
she’s sold five trillion copies of Harry Potter.

So, what is there left for me to conquer?

I’ve decided to defy logic itself.

When I decided to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates.

But wait, isn’t taking a public stance for a candidate using my show as a platform for a candidate?

Yes.

Then…

Exactly.

What?

Oprah. There is no debate about whether or not Governor Palin will be a guest on my show.

But isn’t the very fact that you have to make a statement clearing up confusion on the matter proving that there is a debate?

What debate?

About having Governor Palin as a guest –

We have no guests.

Yes you do! You interview guests! You have a primarily female audience! It is ridiculous to say that her name wouldn’t have at least been mentioned as a possibility to –

I agree that Governor Palin would be a fantastic interview.

Yes! There you -

So that is why I cannot interview her.

What?!

Desire is suffering.

Wait, are you Buddhist or just being illogical? And why is this a conversation? Isn’t this a letter that you yourself are writing for the front of your magazine?

Why would I have a magazine?

Exactly! I don’t know! There is no reason that Oprah should have a magazine.

So perhaps I have already defied logic?

Yeah…yeah, I guess so.

You guess so? Or you guess O?

I guess O.

Do you guess O? Or do you know O?

I know O.

Do you know O? O do you O O?

I O O.

O,
O

Tags: politics, barack obama, sarah palin, desire is suffering, oprah

DENVER, Colorado (CNN) —Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton will release her delegates to Sen. Barack Obama, a Clinton spokesman said Sunday, the eve of the Democratic National Convention.

Cops milling around, squad cars parked outside of a rundown house on the outskirts of town. Tensions are high. Hostage situation. A commanding figure strides out of an arriving town car, megaphone at the ready.

Barack (into megaphone): Hillary, we’ve got the place surrounded. Just let the delegates go.
Hillary (shouting): NEVER!
Barack: Hillary, we don’t want anyone to get hurt today. That speech you gave was so gracious – why go messing things up with this?
Hillary: Because they’re my delegates…my precious delegates…my precious…
Barack: Okay, hold on. Mr. Costelvis?
Mello: Uh...are you talking to me, Mr. Obama?
Barack: That’s right, Mr. Costelvis, you are the author of this piece, are you not?
Mello: Uh, yeah, but...how is that you’re talking to me?
Barack: I’m Barack freaking Obama. I can do anything. Do you understand that?
Mello: Yes, sir.
Barack: Now, I understand what you were trying to do.
Mello: It’s just that line - “will release her delegates” – it’s so silly, I mean –
Barack: I agree with you, but this has been done.
Mello: Huh?
Barack: Hillary as desperate, Hillary as clinging on to a failed dream, however you want to describe it. It’s been done. It’s not clever.
Mello: Sure, but I thought –
Barack: You thought you could fix it with a Gollum “my precious” Lord of the Rings reference?
Mello: (ashamed) Yes, sir.
Barack: Now Mello, you don’t seem like a dummy. I expect better of you and I want you to expect better of yourself. This country needs CHANGE – from the guy in charge all the way down to the lowly news commentating bloggers. Are you with me?
Mello: Yes, sir.
Barack: Okay then. I’ve got to get back to work - I have a speech to give at a convention and this country isn’t going to inspire itself, if you know what I mean.

Barack drives off with confidence and class. The exhaust from his car drifts upwards and forms the word “Believe.”

Mello: Wow. That guy can do anything. Maybe he is as good as all the hype.
Hillary: WHAT’S THAT? WHO ARE YOU? YOU CAN’T HAVE MY DELEGATES EITHER! NEVER, YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER!!!

Hillary throws a cat out the window. Mello shakes his head and sighs in resignation. Elsewhere Barack sneezes and an angel is given its wings.

Tags: politics, barack obama, hillary clinton, postmodern claims of autonomy from a fictionalized character, gollum, delegates, lord of the rings

‘Three Times’, an Obama television ad airing from Virginia to Colorado, savages McCain for lavishing $200 billion tax ‘giveaways’ on ‘big corporations’ [...] The McCain side retorted that the ‘$4 billion’ in tax breaks for oil companies mentioned in Obama’s ad was misleading because McCain is proposing an across-the-board tax cut for all corporations and is not favoring the oil industry.

A spokesman for McCain also characterized as misleading the charge that a McCain administration would pursue war with Iran.  “See, this is totally unfair,” said spokesman Brian Rogers.  “We will be pursuing war across the board with many countries in the Middle East, not only with Iran.”

Rogers paused, then added: “‘Middle’ being used in a more expansive sense than normal.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, war, iran, the "middle" east, oil

It’s not hard to see how some Obama haters might be tempted to make the comparison. In the Left Behind books, Carpathia is a junior Senator who speaks several languages, is beloved by people around the world and fawned over by a press corps that cannot see his evil nature, and rises to absurd prominence after delivering just one major speech. Hmmh. But serious Antichrist theorists don’t stop there. Everything from Obama’s left-handedness to his positive rhetoric to his appearance on the cover of this magazine has been cited as evidence of his true identity. One chain e-mail claims that the Antichrist was prophesied to be “A man in his 40s of MUSLIM descent,” which would indeed sound ominous if not for the fact that the Book of Revelation was written at least 400 years before the birth of Islam.

From: ImpressionableGranddad@aol.com
To: UNDISCLOSED RECIPIENTS
Subject: Re: RE: Fw: BARACK OBAMA ANTICHRIST CHECKLIST

>
>
> > From: MysteriousOnlineFriendofImpressionableGranddad@hotmail.com
> > To: {117 recipients all of whom are registered to vote}
> >
> > PLEASE FORWARD THIS TOO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!  If you dont’ forward this email to at least 15 people YOU
> > WILL NOT BE SUMMONED TO HEAVEN WHEN THE RAPTURE COMES!!! and you’re sex life will be unsatisfactory
> >
> >>
> >>
> >> > The Book of Revelations states that when the Antichrist comes, he will be a man in his 40s of MUSLIM descent,
> >> > left-handed, appear on the cover of time Magazine, AND SPEAK POSITIVELY SOUND FAMILIAR?????
> >> >
> >> > OTHER BIBLICAL FACTS ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST:
> >> >
> >> > is trying to quit smoking
> >> > spent significant portion of childhood in indonesia
> >> > differs with hillary clinton and john edwards on details of u.s. health care overhaul
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > is a beast that shall rise up out of the sea having seven heads and ten horns, and on his horns ten crowns, and on his heads a blasphemous name
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > wife is frightening to white people
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > PLEASE FOREWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
> >> >
> >> > Yours,
> >> > Literally Tens of Millions of Americans Who Actually Will Be Able to Vote in the Upcoming Presidential Election
> >> >
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> > Stay in touch when you’re away with Windows Live Messenger. IM anytime you’re online.
> > _________________________________________________________________________
> >
> >
>

Tags: politics, barack obama, religion, christianity, checklists, impressionable granddad, antichrist

Political strategists and pollsters are on the hunt for the “soccer moms’’ and “Nascar dads’’ of 2008, the blocs of swing voters with enough clout to turn the tide in the presidential race.

Pollsters haven’t yet popularized catchy labels for key demographic groups, like the minivan-driving suburban “soccer moms’’ deemed crucial in 1996.

There is one group that’s up for grabs and could swing the election to Democrat Barack Obama or Republican John McCain: women in their 50s and 60s without a college education.

from the desk of GEOFFREY GARIN POLLING ENTERPRISES LTD.
addressed to All Employees; Garin, Geoffrey
regarding 50-69 non-college-educated female demographic naming contest

People!  It’s time to put it to A VOTE!!  Below are the top submissions for the naming contest for the demographic of women aged 50-69 and lacking a college education.  Rank three or more.  THE FUTURE OF CATCHY DEMOGRAPHIC NAMES IS IN YOUR HANDS!!?

___ mini-golf aunts
___ bowling aunts
___ field hockey aunts
___ non-GRE-taking grandmas
___ higher levels of obesity and cigarette addiction mothers-in-law
___ great-grandmas unfamiliar with a cappella
___ high school field hockey aunts
___ “Marge”

Tags: politics, barack obama, john mccain, checklists, polling, demographics, higher levels of obesity and cigarette addiction mothers-in-law, "marge"

The cover of this week’s New Yorker magazine depicts Obama in one-piece Muslim garb and headdress fist-bumping his booted, Afro-wearing wife Michelle in camo clothes with an AK-47 and ammo-belt slung over her shoulder beneath a portrait of Osama bin-Laden while the American flag burns in the fireplace—in the presidential Oval Office.
...
[Obama’s] campaign issued a statement reported as, “[M]ost readers will see it as tasteless and offensive. And we agree.”
...
A lot of people won’t get the joke ... A problem is there’s no caption on the cover to ensure that everyone gets the… punchline.

Irishman: Hee.  Hee hee, hee.  Mmmmm.
American: What?  What is funny?
Irishman: Oh, it’s nothing, really.
American: Go on!  Explain the funny thing.  I like when things are funny.
Irishman: Right.  Well then.  It’s the cover of this old New Yorker I have lying around.  Go on, have a peek then.
American:
Irishman: Eh?  Oh, you’re right, it isn’t really that good, I just felt like a bit of a giggle—
American: So this foreign man is in a bathroom, and someone in the next stall is stepping on his foot.
Irishman: Right—well, it was a while ago, but I don’t suppose you remember the Idaho senator Larry Craig, who was, er—he was in the habit of propositioning men, for sex, in bathrooms.  It was around the same time as the Ahmadinejad visit to Columbia University,
American: Yes.  The CNN told me about that.
Irishman: Indeed, and so, in his speech, Ahmadinejad made the obviously false assertion that there was not one homosexual in all of Iran, and so this is a humorous little clash of worlds—you know what, it’s really not that
American, frowning in puzzlement: So that’s Larry Craig’s foot... and he thinks Ahmadinejad is gay.
Irishman: Well!  Not quite.  That’s not necessarily Larry Craig’s foot, to be honest,
American: It’s a gay foot?
Irishman: Y—yes.
American: So a gay man thinks Ahmadinejad is gay.
Irishman: Well, and it’s entertaining to imagine how this little encounter might play out!  Ha ha!  Isn’t it?
American: So did they find out who the gay man is?
Irishman:
American: The gay man in this picture.
Irishman: I mean, this didn’t actually, so much, happen, it’s just
American, bewildered: This didn’t happen?
Irishman: Not, ah, technically.
American, beseechingly: So this is a lie?
Irishman: It’s, er… it’s a joke?
American: But it’s not a joke!  They’re just LYING.
Irishman:
American:
Irishman: You know what, the joke is, actually, that Ahmadinejad is about to eat a poopy!
American: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Irishman: He’s going to make a poopy, and then eat it!  He’s going to eat his own poopy.
American: THAT HAS TO BE THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD

Tags: politics, barack obama, condescension, the new yorker, satire, humor

The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized Wednesday for making a crude comment about Barack Obama… ‘Barack, he’s talking down to black people… I want to cut his nuts off,’ Jackson said, making a jabbing gesture with his hand....

Jackson said he hoped his remarks would not be taken as a lack of support for Obama’s campaign… ‘[B]ecause I support it unequivocally.’

Following his apology Wednesday, Jackson bought lunch at Da Giuseppe, on 71st and Broadway. “Giuseppe [Formentini, owner and chef of Da Giuseppe], his gnocchi are giving indigestion to black people.  I want to carve his tongue out and feed it back to him,” said Jackson.

Jackson quickly apologized and reaffirmed his “lifelong conviction” that Da Giuseppe “is the best Italian [restaurant] on the Upper West Side.”

Later, on an afternoon walk through Central Park, the Rev. Jackson had an allergy attack as he passed a bed of daisies.  “These no-good daisies,” said Jackson, “they’re making black people sneeze.  I want to slowly tear off their petals, break their stems in half, and shove the broken half-stems right up their hateful pestils.”

Jackson subsequently expressed regret for his remarks and declared that daisies were in fact “absolutely, positively, my very favorite flower[s] in the whole wide world.”

Jackson finished his long day back at his Harlem penthouse, where he immediately retired to bed.

“Damn Sealy Posturepedic Mattress,” Jackson muttered, already half-asleep, “you’re making black people sleepy.  I want to take a machete, slice open your mattreshmmmm...” Jackson then drifted off to sleep.

An apology and full retraction of Jackson’s last statement are expected in the morning.

Tags: politics, barack obama, in bed, apologies, daisies, ingenuousness, jesse jackson

Fox News anchor ED Hill has lost her show a week after suggesting Barack Obama and his wife Michelle’s on-stage victory gesture could be seen as a “terrorist fist jab”.
…
Hill apologized for the gaffe live on-air at the start of her show on Tuesday.

“I want to start the show by clarifying something I said on the show about an upcoming body language segment. Now I mentioned various ways the Obama’s fist pump in St Paul’s had been characterized in the media,” she said.

“I apologize because unfortunately, some thought I personally had characterized it inappropriately. I regret that. It was not my intention. And I certainly didn’t mean to associate the word ‘terrorist’ in any way with Senator Obama and his wife,” Hill added.

“The word that I actually wanted to associate with Senator Obama was ‘terrorist-fist-jab.’ You see, it’s actually three words hyphenated into a single word, not three separate words – I think that’s really where the confusion began,” she continued.

“Moreover, I was talking about how other people in the media have characterized the gesture, not how I personally would characterize it. The confusion on this particular point probably arose from the fact that never before in the history of the English language have the words ‘terrorist’, ‘fist’, and ‘jab’ appeared together in that order,” Hill explained.

“I’m simply attempting to understand the various ways that different media sources have characterized the body language of Senator Obama – pretty standard political analysis. For example, let’s consider the body language between Senator Obama and a supporter after a recent town hall meeting in Columbus, Ohio. A handshake? A shaking of hands? A jihad palm experience? Each of these plausible interpretations has been taken up by many reliable media sources,” she said.

“And while we’re at it, what about all that noise he was making before the jihad palm experience. Words communicating meaning to an audience? A speech about social security? A heavy bombardment of Islamist noise missiles? These are just some of the explanations from trusted media outlets. The last one especially. I’m pretty sure it was from CNN or something. Definitely not just my own hatred spewing out, that’s for sure,” Hill commented.

“Listen, I just don’t like people who have skin darker than my own, okay?” Hill continued.

“What does that make me? A racist? A bigot? A hard-hitting, America-loving, Fox-trotting journalist?” she asked.

“It makes me a racist,” she concluded.

Tags: barack obama, terrorism, television, fox, e.d. hill

[First Lady Laura] Bush told ABC News that she would prefer the first female president “to be a Republican woman.” But, she added, “I will say I watched the campaign and admired Hillary’s grit and strength.

“I know what it’s like to run those campaigns, and so I’ll have to say I have a lot of admiration for her endurance,” Bush said.

The first lady also suggested that Obama’s wife, Michelle, probably did not intend to say, as she did in February, that she was proud of America for “the first time” because of her husband’s candidacy.

“I think she probably meant I’m more proud, you know, is what she really meant,” Bush said.

You have been invited to a conference chat with NaughtyLibrarian46 and thatshillaryous1026. Do you accept? y

MrSrObInSoN: this better not be one of them porn spam thngs
thatshillaryous1026: hi michelle
thatshillaryous1026: its hillary clinton
NaughtyLibrarian46: And Laura Bush!
MrSrObInSoN has been censored by the chat administrator.
NaughtyLibrarian46: Oops, let me turn this censor thing off.
NaughtyLibrarian46: I don’t know why I keep it on!
MrSrObInSoN: maybe because you’re some kind of crazy christian psycho woman with big teeth
thatshillaryous1026: jesus
The chat administrator settings have been changed.
thatshillaryous1026: um thats a bit harsh michelle
MrSrObInSoN: no thats just my sharp sense of playful irony or whatever
MrSrObInSoN: ive been told it doesnt translate in written form
NaughtyLibrarian46: Ha ha! It’s okay!
NaughtyLibrarian46: I think it translates just fine.
NaughtyLibrarian46: And George has called me far worse, believe me.
NaughtyLibrarian46: Wink wink.
thatshillaryous1026: ha ha!
MrSrObInSoN: DAMMIT
MrSrObInSoN: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU GO THERE
thatshillaryous1026: i think thats cute
thatshillaryous1026: i mean, within limits
thatshillaryous1026: actually i dont rly want 2 know the specifics
NaughtyLibrarian46: Ladies, I’m going to be frank.
NaughtyLibrarian46: I think we should start a club!
thatshillaryous1026: omg laura
thatshillaryous1026: i think its so sweet that ur reaching out 2 us like this
MrSrObInSoN: what kind of club
NaughtyLibrarian46: I mean a club for powerful women in politics who are married to powerful men.
NaughtyLibrarian46: It would be a chance for us to blow off steam, talk girl talk…
MrSrObInSoN: um
thatshillaryous1026: maybe one week can we discuss “the secret”
NaughtyLibrarian46: If by “week” you mean “month”!
thatshillaryous1026: YESSSS
MrSrObInSoN: with all due respect, this sounds retarded and i dont have time for it
MrSrObInSoN: also im worried im going to hear more references to your sex life
NaughtyLibrarian46: What if I told you that a certain other political wife was also in the club?
MrSrObInSoN: uh
MrSrObInSoN: ill um… ill think about it
MrSrObInSoN: oh, look at the time
SEX_AND_THE_CINDY has entered the conference chat.
SEX_AND_THE_CINDY: HELLO LADIES, SORRY IM LATE
SEX_AND_THE_CINDY: JOHN NEEDED MY PRESENCE AT A “FUNDRAISER”
SEX_AND_THE_CINDY: WINK WINK LOL
MrSrObInSoN: jesus fucking shit
MrSrObInSoN: uh, i have to go somewhere where they don’t allow chatting
MrSrObInSoN: for the remainder of 2008
MrSrObInSoN has left the conference chat.
SEX_AND_THE_CINDY: PLEASE TELL ME WE HAVENT DISCUSSED THE SECRET YET

Tags: politics, barack obama, hillary clinton, innuendo, laura bush, michelle obama, cindy mccain, the secret

In one of the small, rural towns where Barack Obama was campaigning this year, he asked an aide for a slice of pecan pie to go with his usual dinner of salmon, broccoli and brown rice. But there was none on the menu, and the aide was loath to disappoint him.

Valerie Jarrett had no such qualms. Mr. Obama’s even-keeled senior adviser and longtime friend told the aide to forget the pie. Then, she says, she told the senator from Illinois “to be careful what he asks for.”

...It would have been a grave misstep for a campaign that had placed itself in inexplicable peril by holding a press-attended dinner at Fatally Exploding Pecan Pie Café.

“No one is quite sure how the café got its name,” admitted local historian Steve Wallenmayer. “But certainly, if Mr. Obama had ordered and received a slice of pecan pie at the F.E.P.P.C., there would have been a lot of raised eyebrows in these parts.”

He added, “The pie probably would have exploded and killed him.”

It is not the first time Ms. Jarrett has headed the Obama campaign away from faux pas.  In North Carolina, shortly before Mr. Obama was to commence eating a plate of pulled pork, his agitated advisor was to be seen waving her arms frantically from the audience.  Realizing his mistake, Mr. Obama tactfully but firmly chose to withdraw at the last moment from the Greater Raleigh Pork With Knives In It Annual Fundraiser, a decision that history has since thoroughly vindicated.

Ms. Jarrett is also credited with disallowing Mr. Obama from sampling northwestern Pennsylvania’s obscure and signature beverage, Dangerously Non-PH-Balanced Ale.

“I tell Barack all the time, be careful what you ask for,” explained Ms. Jarrett.  “Because frequently you’re asking for a deadly food or beverage.”

Tags: politics, barack obama, valerie jarrett, pork with knives in it, fatally exploding pecan pie cafe

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton on Sunday dismissed criticism of her proposed summer gas tax ‘holiday’ as ‘elite opinion’ that reflects the views of economists, not ordinary Americans who drive a long way to work.

From the desk of Hillary Clinton

Dear fellow regular Americans,

Your pal Hillary Clinton here.  I’m just gonna cut to the chase, folks, cuz I know real, hardworking people like you n’ me don’t have time for a bunch of jibberjabber: y’all mighta heard that some “economists” are goin around badmouthing my plan for a summer gas tax holiday.  Apparently these economists think that jus because they studied “économics” or whatever they can go around telling us we all gotta spend more money on gas this summer.  Well, shoot, if yer like me ‘n Bill and yer fixin to head down to Boca this summer, or haulin over to Branson to catch Jimmy Buffett, you know that the LAST thing you want is to spend MORE money on gas this summer.  Heck no!  You wanna pay LESS.  Bill ‘n I unnerstand that.

And don’t think it stops there, yall, cause it DONT. Mr. Obama thinks we should rely on all sorts of “experts” to tell us what to do, and how to do it, and what long-term ramifications we might expect from one of several specific courses of action or relative inaction.  Well, NOT ME.  So without further to-do, here’s a list of some “expert” opinions and what REAL AMERICANS like you and me think about em:

“EXPERT” OPINION:  The complexities of the situation in Iraq mean that there are simply no quick fixes: whatever course America takes, Bush’s legacy in Iraq will pose a threat to American and global security for years to come.

US: Yeah, RIGHT.  Iraq SUCKS.  Yeah, RIGHT.  Iraq SUCKS.  Being over there SUCKS. Period.  So if being over there sucks, then alls we gotta do is STOP BEING OVER THERE.  Dang but that was easy!!

“EXPERT” OPINION: A healthy lifestyle is the key to a healthy life.  Exercising regularly, eating healthier foods in smaller quantities, and limiting intake of unhealthy foods such as fried chicken and milkshakes, all contribute to greatly improved physical fitness.

US: Translation:  Exercise is better than fried chicken and milkshakes!  R U frickin kidding me?! Can you BELIEVE these guys?  Look, dweebs: Exercise SUCKS.  Fried chicken and milkshakes TASTE AWESOME.  END OF STORY.

“EXPERT” OPINION:  A multimillionaire politician who poses as a populist during an election cycle by promising popular but obviously irresponsible policy and adopting various condescending “common man” postures such as shooting guns and drinking shots in a bar assumes that a few months of transparent pandering will somehow incite the electorate to overlook that same politician’s years and decades as a member of the very same group of “elites” which he or she so vehemently criticizes come election time.  This viewpoint has repeatedly been proven correct.

US:  ...And that’s exactly how come we gotta kick George W. Bush’s preppy butt straight outta the White House and get us REAL AMERICANS back in there.  Shoot, looks like fer once the experts are right about somethin!

HILLARY ’08, Y’ALL!

Luv,
Hillary

Tags: politics, barack obama, hillary clinton, exercise is better than fried chicken and milkshakes?!, jimmy buffett, gas tax

“I truly believe that that’s going to take an individual that has testicular fortitude,” said [Indiana union president Paul Gipson]. “That’s exactly right. That’s what we gotta have.”

Clinton, standing behind Gipson, smiled sheepishly before breaking into a nervous laugh. Gipson continued by slamming unnamed “Gucci-wearing, latte-drinking, self-centered, egotistical people that have damaged our lifestyle,” before endorsing and introducing Clinton.

You have been invited to a conference chat with thatshillaryous1026, CaRvIlLaIn, and superdelegate1011806. Do you accept? Y

superdelegate1011806: i guess i’d have to hear it
CaRvIlLaIn: RAGIN’ CAJUN GONNA RAGE ALL OVER YUO
CaRvIlLaIn: YOU
superdelegate1011806: yeah, i really feel like you could do better than that, theme song-wise
thatshillaryous1026: welcome paul!
SteelWorkersLoc6787: Is this the Chat room?
CaRvIlLaIn: PAUL WHAT’S UP
thatshillaryous1026: congressman, this is paul gipson, president of the steelworkers local 6787
thatshillaryous1026: paul u can go ahead and tell the congressman about the needs of ur community
SteelWorkersLoc6787: My goodness, There’s a lot going on at once here.
10:14am
superdelegate1011806: um...?
thatshillaryous1026: give him some time
10:23am
superdelegate1011806: senator clinton, could you ask your supporter to type a bit faster please
SteelWorkersLoc6787: I would like to apologize in advance for my lack of Computer Knowledge, It is a subject Blue-Collar America does not Tend to be Familiar With.

superdelegate1011806 has been censored by the chat administrator.
superdelegate1011806: i can’t f-ing believe you took 23 minutes of our time to type that\
CaRvIlLaIn: PAUL YOU MAY WANT TO CUT TO THE CHASE
thatshillaryous1026: paul maybe ur niece can type 4 u or sometihng
10:37am
SteelWorkersLoc6787: Okay, I’ll get my niece, You wait right here.
SteelWorkersLoc6787 has left the conference chat.
superdelegate1011806: wtf
superdelegate1011806: i didn’t know people like that even existed anymore
CaRvIlLaIn: HE DOES SEEM PRETTY OUT OF IT
SteelWorkersLoc6787 has entered the conference chat.
SteelWorkersLoc6787: Hilary Clinton has the tisticuler forited to stand up too egotesticle latte drnikers
superdelegate1011806: what does that even mean?
CaRvIlLaIn: CAN WE GET AN OLDER NIECE
thatshillaryous1026: it means i am not an elitist??
CaRvIlLaIn: WITH BETTER SPELLING MAYBE
superdelegate1011806: i’m drinking a latte right now
superdelegate1011806: i fail to see how lattes denote egotism
thatshillaryous1026: teh main thing is, i have balls
superdelegate1011806: i have to tell you that this sort of knee-jerk cultural stereotyping does very little for me
SteelWorkersLoc6787: Every time a liberal drinks a latte, We loose 400 jobs
thatshillaryous1026: the american people understand that i have more balls than any other candidate
superdelegate1011806: again, wtf
CaRvIlLaIn: SHE HASN’T SLEPT IN LIKE FOUR DAYS
CaRvIlLaIn: GIVE HER A BREAK
CaRvIlLaIn: AND ALSO YOUR VOTE
superdelegate1011806: sen. clinton.
superdelegate1011806: i have to go
superdelegate1011806: maybe we can talk later?
thatshillaryous1027: barack = no balls
CaRvIlLaIn: YES, LEAVE NOW PLEASE
superdelegate1011806 has left the conference chat.

SteelWorkersLoc6787: Itallian fashion Designers keep comming to teh Steel mill and pnuching everyone in the Face
SteelWorkersLoc6787: Many people dont know, However Barack Obama is secretly Fashion Maven Donatella Versace
SteelWorkersLoc6787: So selfish

Tags: politics, barack obama, conference chat, hillary clinton, blue-collar america, latte, balls

Several ministers said [Wright’s] outspoken style of sermonizing known as prophetic preaching was a hallmark not only of the black church but also of the ancient prophets.

From The Jerusalem Post, 1006 B.C:

JERUSALEM – David, son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, continues to come under fire from his association with prophet of God, Samuel, son of Elkanah.

Samuel, 57, has drawn fire for incendiary comments he has made suggesting that God’s Chosen People are acting sinfully and that God will punish them for it.

“Not God bless the Israelites,” said Samuel, from high atop Mount Ephraim, “NO NO NO NO! God damn the Israelites!” According to witnesses, the earth then shook and moderate fire rained down from heaven.

“This is really the last thing we need,” said Jerohim son of Tohu, 25, a goatherd from Mizpah. “We are at war with the Philistines and now our own prophet is cursing us to God?  I really thought David was the Anointed One, but if Samuel’s got his ear, I’m not so sure. Plus, David doesn’t even wear his 10 Commandments lapel-tablet.”

Comments such as Jerohim’s are especially troubling to David’s chances.  Analysts agree that the goatherd vote will be increasingly important if David is going to receive the favor of God over Saul, currently King of Israel.  And David himself has already alienated the goatherds with comments he made at a closed-door meeting with money-changers in Jerusalem last Yom Shelee-She.  “You go into these small towns in Moab and, the jobs have been gone now for 40 years and nothing’s replaced them,” the candidate was reported to have said. “And it’s not surprising that then they get bitter, they cling to slingshots or Ba’al worship or goatherding as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Sources inside David’s campaign say that it would be difficult for David to disown Samuel completely.  “I mean, he was just a kid when Samuel passed him the favor of God from Saul.  Without Samuel, David would still be tending his father’s sheep,” said one source, who declined to be named when discussing the favor of God.

But outside the campaign, pressure is building for David to take a firmer stand.  “David could really be a game-changing messiah,” said Avram son of Yeshua, a lyre player in Jerusalem, “and anointing or no anointing, this Samuel connection is dragging him down.”

If victorious, David would be the first lyre-playing King of Israel.

Tags: politics, barack obama, religion, the bible, lapel-tablets, samuel son of elkanah, king david

Mike Swiderski, 32, who builds houses in Scranton, took the day off to work for Obama, posting campaign signs around town.  His girlfriend, accountant Jeanette Heal, voted for Clinton.  “We fight about it all the time,” said Heal, 34, as she left her polling place at Fargione Auto Shop.  “I made up my mind for Hillary sometime in the ’90s.”

Other Important Decisions Jeanette Heal Made Permanently Sometime in the ’90s

Baby Names: Justin if it’s a boy, Britney if it’s a girl. (If it’s twins: OMIGOD SO CUTE.)

Career: Tie between Pop Superstar and Accountant.  Both of those are totally awesome!!!

Foreign Policy: We should go back to Iraq.

Pension plan: None.  This “World Wide Web” thing is really taking off!  Investing it all in Pets.com.

Where I Will Be In 10 Years: SCRANTON, Y’ALL!!!

Favorite Drink: Captain Morgan and Crystal Pepsi.

There!  All done.  I’ll never have to think again.

Tags: politics, barack obama, hillary clinton, scranton, captain morgan and crystal pepsi

The Boss backed Barack Obama Wednesday, possibly giving the current Democratic front-runner some street cred—at least among Bruce fans.
...
Not to be outdone by the singer’s support for Obama, Clinton announced an endorsement of her own Wednesday from salsa king Willie Colón.

You have been invited to a conference chat with superdelegate1011806 and Barack_Obama. Do you accept? y

superdelegate1011806: but most of the time i feel like clarence just needs to chill out
superdelegate1011806: what!
Barack_Obama: Welcome, Bruce.
superdelegate1011806 has been censored by the chat administrator.
BruceTheBossSpringst:  Whats happening !!!!
superdelegate1011806: