Strong Takes

Wal*Mob

2008-12-01

[A] temporary Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death in a rush of thousands of early morning shoppers as he and other employees attempted to unlock the doors of a Long Island, New York, store at 5 a.m., police said.
...
Wal-Mart spokesman Kelly Cheeseman issued a statement saying, “We are saddened to report that a gentleman who was working for a temporary agency on our behalf died at the store and a few other customers were injured.”

CNN

Cheeseman continued: “This gentleman, while not a member of the Wal-Mart family, was at least as dear to us as a distant adopted cousin would have been. In his honor, we would like to make the ultimate gesture to his family: up to 25% off any of our sale items, which have already been so grossly, recklessly undervalued as to engender a wanton disregard for human saf… um, our prices are very low.

“Speaking of our low, low prices, we would also like to apologize deeply to our customers for any inconvenience this peripheral gentleman’s inopportune death may have caused. We assure you that further trampling-related deaths and maimings will be handled with minimal interruption to your Wal-Mart shopping experience. We ask that customers who come upon such an obstruction kindly notify any greeters who are still ambulatory.”

thank you for being a friend

2008-11-27

The turkey pardon is a White House tradition that dates to the Truman administration.
...
Pumpkin and the backup bird, Pecan—whom the president joked was being held in an “undisclosed location” just in case “the main act chickens out”—hail from Ellsworth, Iowa. They were chosen from more than 4,500 candidates based on their struts, wattles and personalities.

Los Angeles Times

White House Senior Adviser: Doo-de-doo! Let’s have a look at today’s to-do list.
White House Senior Adviser: “Prevent further deterioration of reeling economy, with knowledge that all statements and actions made by current administration officials, regardless of content, contribute to said deterioration of economy.”
White House Senior Adviser: “Attempt literally impossible negotiations of troop withdrawal in Iraq based on multiple incompatible semantic systems of ‘war,’ ‘occupation,’ etc.”
White House Senior Adviser: “Enact environment-related legislation that will immediately be overturned by the next administration.”
White House Senior Adviser: Hmmm.
Secretary to White House Senior Adviser: Sir? Sorry, there’s a late addition to the to-do list.
White House Senior Adviser: “Travel to Iowan backwater; examine over 4500 turkeys; choose among them based on the criteria of struts, wattles, and personalities.”
White House Senior Adviser, softly, gratefully: Hell yes.

a bloodied nose

2008-11-26

British Olympic boxer Bradley Saunders has been questioned by police on suspicion of dealing cocaine.

He was held after a police sniffer dog found what was believed to be £12,000 of the drug in the back garden of his home in Sedgefield, County Durham.

BBC

Admitted a rueful Saunders: “In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done so much bragging about my knockout blow.”

you have 5 new messages

2008-11-25

Google has issued a fix to the G1 handset, to stop it executing commands just because they appear in an entered text message - preventing punters from rebooting the handset just by typing the word “reboot”.

The bug can hardly be called a security problem, given it requires access to the handset, but the fact that until the fix was issued today any G1 user typing a text message containing the word “reboot” would see their phone resetting is truly stunning, and it reflects badly on the quality control and testing of the Android platform.

The Register

hey can u take
a look at my
new draft? i’ll send
[09:48:24 PM]
*****END*****

so weird, i didnt
hit the button but
it sent that txt
when i just typed
send
[09:49:08 PM]
*****END*****

ok did it again.
neway, can u give
the draft a look?
formatting
maybe f’d up bc
i had to reboot
[09:50:47 PM]
*****END*****

so i guess the
phone goes crazy
when i type either
send
[09:53:31 PM]
*****END*****

or the r word.
dood. this phone
was sposed to
be the best model
but this is a total
turn off
[09:55:01 PM]
*****END*****

what kind of
stupid ass bug
is this? i swear
my head is
about to explode
[09:57:28 PM]
*****END*****

if a piano falls in the woods, does it make a sound?

2008-11-24

Was it a theft? A prank? A roundabout effort to bring some holiday cheer to the police? Authorities in Harwich, Massachusetts, are probing the mysterious appearance of a piano, in good working condition, in the middle of the woods.
…
Sgt. Adam Hutton of the Harwich Police Department said information has been broadcast to all the other police departments in the Cape Cod area in hopes of drumming up a clue, however minor it may be
…
It took a handful of police to move the piano into a vehicle to transport it to storage, so it would appear that putting it into the woods took more than one person.

CNN.com

At the Hutton residence in Harwich, Massachusetts

-How was your day, honey?
-Ah, not great. Some jokesters put a piano in the woods and then –
-IT WAS ME!
-
-It was me. I hired some people and we put that piano out in the woods. Surprise!
-(anger swelling) Why on Earth would you do that?!
-It was a roundabout effort to bring some holiday cheer into your day. You’ve been so down lately, I thought it might cheer you up.
-(rage overflowing) I’ve been down because I’m a police officer in a crumby small town where there is nothing better for me to do than, for example, go look at pianos out in the woods and then answer questions about it to some reporter from CNN. That’s why I’ve been upset, dear.
-Oh…I see.
-
-Did you see that we put the bench there, too? It wasn’t just any bench. It was a piano bench.
-I saw the freaking bench. Did you see that the Harwich Community Bank was robbed today? It’s the first real crime that’s happened in this town in a decade and none of the police were nearby because we were all dealing with the stupid piano.
-Oh.
-
-Did you notice that the bench was placed as if someone was about to play? Come on, playing a piano in the woods? If that doesn’t bring some holiday cheer to your day, I don’t know what will. Are you sure you get it, honey?
-
-Did you notice that the piano was properly tuned? Maybe you and the boys can have a little holiday party. You know, play that Charlie Brown Christmas song you like, sip some eggnog…in the woods! (wiping away a tear from laughter) Oh dear, good thing we’re not out of Kleenex!
-
-Honey? You’re grimacing.
-I can’t believe they put this on CNN.com as one of the top stories.
-Dear, can you please stay in our diegesis at least until we finish our conversation?
-On the front freaking page of CNN.com…a piano in the freaking woods…
-Actually, that is disappointing, isn’t it?

wrongtánamo

2008-11-21

A federal judge issued the Bush administration a sharp setback on Thursday, ruling that five Algerian men have been held unlawfully at the Guantánamo Bay detention camp for nearly seven years and ordering their release.

The New York Times

Our bad, guys. See you out there.

the nba: where shrieking happens

2008-11-20

To the crack of the bat, the cadence of the quarterback and the thwack of a tennis racket, add a new element to America’s sports soundtrack — the shrieks, cries and shouts of N.B.A. players as they try to put the ball in the basket.
...
“I guess once word got out that more often than not, you make a noise going to the basket, you’ll get a foul call, it just became second nature for a lot of guys,” said the Knicks’ Malik Rose, a veteran forward in his 13th year, who cited [Kobe] Bryant, Vince Carter and Allen Iverson as trendsetters.

The New York Times

The Bryant family home.

Kobe Bryant: Girls, you have about two minutes to get up.
Natalia Bryant: Aw, Dad.
Kobe Bryant: ...before Daddy starts serving his patented #24 Laker slam-dunk free-throw omelettes!
Natalia Bryant: YAYYYY
Friend of Natalia: YAYYYY
Natalia Bryant: OMG DADDY I LOVE U
Friend of Natalia: Your dad is the coolest!!
Kobe Bryant: First, we need to crack open these eggs.
Kobe Bryant: OW
Friend of Natalia: What’s wrong?!
Kobe Bryant: Nothing’s wrong! These eggs look great.
Kobe Bryant: Now we’re going to gently saute some shallots in butter.
Kobe Bryant: ARGH
Friend of Natalia: Oh no! Did you hurt yourself?!
Natalia Bryant: He’s fine.
Kobe Bryant: Of course I am! Mmmm, that smells good.
Kobe Bryant: Where did I put that whisk? Oh, here it is.
Kobe Bryant: EEK
Friend of Natalia:
Natalia Bryant:
Kobe Bryant: EEEEEEEEEEEK
Friend of Natalia: I feel like I shouldn’t be watching this.

preserving the sanctity of hypocrisy

2008-11-19

As proponents of same-sex marriage across the country planned protests on Saturday against the ban [on gay marriage in California], interviews with the main forces behind the ballot measure showed how close its backers believe it came to defeat—and the extraordinary role Mormons played in helping to pass it with money, institutional support and dedicated volunteers.

The New York Times

Because if there is one group that has always, always, fought for the sanctity of marriage defined as the sacred union of one man and one woman, it is the Mormons.

May God bless them and keep them always.

the real heroes

2008-11-18

The U.S. military has barred Iraqi interpreters working with American troops in Baghdad from wearing ski masks to disguise themselves, prompting some to resign and others to bare their faces even though they fear it could get them killed.
...
“We are a professional Army and professional units don’t conceal their identity by wearing masks,” Lt. Col. Steve Stover, a spokesman for the U.S. military, wrote in an e-mail. He expressed appreciation for the service and sacrifice of the interpreters but said those dissatisfied with the new policy “can seek alternative employment.”

The Washington Post

“It pains me to have to re-emphasize this rule so many times,” the email continued. “The lack of professionalism among the applicants for our specialized divisions is appalling—just last week I had what I can only describe as a ‘colorful’ group of recruits who claimed to have special skills that could ‘save the world,’ as they put it. I don’t care if you can swing from tall buildings, I told them, you’ll have to take off those masks.

“And that wasn’t the only problem. Now, I know the military has a policy on this, but come on: when guys are wearing their underwear outside of tights, you don’t have to ask to be able to tell.”

safety is a relative thing

2008-11-17

“Today’s attempt to buy off taxi operators and to use backdoor methods to force safe, proven commercial vehicles off the road is wrong and highly challengeable,” said Ron Sherman, the president of the Metropolitan Taxicab Board of Trade, in a written statement. And he cited claims by his group that the smaller and lighter hybrids were less safe for passengers and drivers than the heavier Crown Victorias.

The New York Times

Accidents Involving Taxis Rise Sharply in New York
By Andy Newman, The New York Times
Published: February 7, 1998

Because many cabs are on the road almost constantly, it is difficult to make direct comparisons between the risk of accidents for taxis and private cars. Assemblyman Stringer has compiled a report estimating that taxis are eight times more likely than private vehicles to be involved in an accident during rush hours, based on the number of cabs and the estimated number of private cars on the city’s streets each day.

There have been several recent high-profile taxi accidents, including one last month in which a cabby who the police said was cut off by another cab swerved onto the sidewalk on Lexington Avenue and pinned a pedestrian against a light pole, severing her leg.

Some riders interviewed yesterday acknowledged feeling a certain trepidation each time they slid into the back seat.

‘’They’re nuts,’’ said Fernando Rivias, who runs a Manhattan trucking business, as he tried to get a cab at Rockefeller Plaza. ‘’I almost got killed today. The cab driver got in a fight with a truck driver, over on 57th and Madison. The cabby cut a truck off, and the truck honked. The cabby stepped on the brakes and they leaned out their windows screaming at each other.’’

[...]

Though few taxi passengers avail themselves of seat belts—a study of more than 100 riders last August by emergency room doctors at Bellevue Hospital found that virtually none wore their belts—those who might want to are likely to be frustrated. The Bellevue study, which has been submitted to the journal Emergency Medicine, found that nearly half of the yellow cabs in New York City had belts that were missing, broken or buried beneath the seat cushion.

Some of the increase in passenger injuries may have come from taxi passengers’ hitting their heads on the plastic partition between the front and back seats, which was made mandatory in most cabs beginning in 1994.

[...]

Lawyers who sue cabbies and cab companies for a living were unanimous in their opinion that cab drivers were getting worse. But many drivers and fleet owners agreed.

‘’A lot of these guys can’t drive,’’ said the owner of a fleet of about 50 cabs who spoke on condition of anonymity. ‘’We don’t even let people back out of the garage anymore.’’

[...]

Alan J. Fromberg, a taxi commission spokesman, said the agency had cracked down on bad drivers in recent years. From July to October 1997, the commission held 28,490 hearings against drivers charged with safety violations or consumer complaints, up from 20,450 during the same period in 1996 and 16,000 during the period in 1995.

But Mr. Fromberg said the agency had no immediate plans to require a road test. He said testing a driver’s ability was the province of the State Department of Motor Vehicles, which does not require an extra test for a chauffeur’s license, and that the taxi commission’s duty was only to make sure drivers passed the written test for a hack license.

‘’We don’t license people to drive,’’ said Mr. Fromberg. ‘’We license them to operate a taxicab, which is a different orientation.’’

barack to the future

2008-11-14

In what might amount to an early Christmas present to the universe, two groups of astronomers have taken the first pictures of what they say — and other astronomers agree — are probably planets going around other stars.
...
“It’s the tip of the iceberg,” said Christian Marois of the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, British Columbia. “Now that we know they are there, there is going to be an explosion.”

The New York Times

“We were totally expecting this,” continued Dr. Marois. “The Americans have just elected their first black president, which means it is now officially the future. Discovering new planets is just the kind of thing that’s going to happen now that Barack Obama has been elected. This is only the beginning.”

According to Dr. Marois, the reader can also look forward to bitterly opposed visitors from the post-apocalyptic future, a “light-to-moderate” global plague of nanobots, and the successful cloning of Adolf Hitler, all by the midterm elections in 2010.

“By then, people will wish they hadn’t voted for quite so much change, but the future is not a genie you can just stuff back into its bottle.”

Dr. Marois went on to predict a close presidential race in 2012 with President Obama and Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska both being narrowly edged out by Xanthu, a superintelligent orangutan from one of the newly discovered planets.

Assured Dr. Marois: “His reign shall be just.”

DECISION FACTOR WITH JOE ROGAN

2008-11-13

Bush said he plans to return to Texas after he leaves office January 20 and “may write a book” but otherwise has few plans.
...
Bush said he has begun to think about an outline for the book.

“I want people to know what it was like to make some of the decisions I had to make,” he said. “In other words, what was the moment like? And I’ve had one of those presidencies where I’ve had to make some tough calls, and I want people to know the truth about what it was like sitting in the Oval Office.”

CNN

You have been invited to the “October 1, 2002 EMERGENCY DECISION CHAT” conference chat with UncheneyMyHeart. Do you accept? w
Error: Answer not recognized. Do you accept? W
Error: Answer not recognized. Do you accept? y

UncheneyMyHeart: George. Welcome.
the_w_is_for_win: dick hows it goin
UncheneyMyHeart: There is no time to waste.
the_w_is_for_win: had kind of a slow day round here mself
UncheneyMyHeart: The time for a decision on Iraq has come.
the_w_is_for_win: hey did u get thuse lolcats i sent u
the_w_is_for_win: friggin cat was givin a press confrence
the_w_is_for_win: i was laughin fit 2 bust!!!!!
UncheneyMyHeart: Um, sure.
UncheneyMyHeart: The lollcats amused me most comprehensively.
the_w_is_for_win: betimes it sure do get a touch lonely all up in here
UncheneyMyHeart: George!
UncheneyMyHeart: The commission that you appointed to explore our options on Iraq has released its findings.
UncheneyMyHeart: To summarize, there are three ways forward.
the_w_is_for_win: 8?!?!
the_w_is_for_win: aw heck
UncheneyMyHeart: No, three.
the_w_is_for_win: 8
UncheneyMyHeart: three = 3
the_w_is_for_win: what in the crud hill is a =
UncheneyMyHeart: 3. You have 3 options.
UncheneyMyHeart: And here to present them is the host of “Fear Factor,” Joe Rogan.
JOEROGAN has entered the conference chat.
JOEROGAN: GEORGE
JOEROGAN: ARE YOU READY TO MAKE ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME DECISIONS OF YOUR LIFE
the_w_is_for_win: aww heck yeah
the_w_is_for_win: ima tell all my frinds i met joe rogan in the internet
JOEROGAN: GEORGE, YOUR FIRST OPTION: INVADE IRAQ…
JOEROGAN: AND OVERTHROW THE TYRANNICAL DICTATOR THAT KILLED YOUR FATHER
UncheneyMyHeart: Um.
the_w_is_for_win: i hate that dude!!!!
UncheneyMyHeart: You know what, never mind.
JOEROGAN: YOUR SECOND OPTION: SPEND A NIGHT…
JOEROGAN: IN A CLOSET…
JOEROGAN: FILLED WITH SCORPIONS…
JOEROGAN: SUSPENDED TEN MILES ABOVE DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN
the_w_is_for_win: dang!!!!!!????
JOEROGAN: THOSE ARE YOUR OPTIONS
UncheneyMyHeart: What happened to the third option?
JOEROGAN: YOU SAID TWO OPTIONS
UncheneyMyHeart: I said three.
the_w_is_for_win: 8
JOEROGAN: FOR THE LOVE
JOEROGAN: UM
JOEROGAN: GEORGE, YOUR THIRD OPTION…
JOEROGAN: IS TO EAT…
JOEROGAN: FOUR TONS...
JOEROGAN: OF UNCOOKED GOAT TESTICLES
the_w_is_for_win: ewwwww
JOEROGAN: HERE THEY ARE, IN A TRUCK
JOEROGAN is gesturing to a truck containing four tons of uncooked goat testicles.
UncheneyMyHeart: Oh Jesus Christ.
the_w_is_for_win: daggg
JOEROGAN: TIME TO CHOOSE
the_w_is_for_win: what were teh first option agin
JOEROGAN: DECLARE WAR ON IRAQ AND TAKE VENGEANCE ON THE MAN WHO KILLED YOUR FATHER
the_w_is_for_win: that dude gits me all riled up!!!!!!!
the_w_is_for_win: i feel like thar were another item
JOEROGAN: LIVE IN A CLOSET WITH SCORPIONS
the_w_is_for_win: thats not 8
the_w_is_for_win: oh wait, i forgot aboutn them texas oysters
UncheneyMyHeart: George! You must act now!
the_w_is_for_win: heck i dont know
UncheneyMyHeart: George, my God.
UncheneyMyHeart: You are choosing among war, living with scorpions in a closet, and eating a physically infeasible quantity of uncooked goat testicles.
UncheneyMyHeart: Choose war.
the_w_is_for_win: well
the_w_is_for_win: dick this is tough
the_w_is_for_win: is therr any chance that a insight could be gleant from our sponsors
JOEROGAN: EXCELLENT POINT
JOEROGAN: WE’LL BE BACK AFTER THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS