Authorities in China’s troubled far-western region of Xinjiang are telling people who want to watch the Olympic torch as it passes through the area to stay at home and tune into the television instead.
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“Considering that too many people will cause a lack of safety, we are recommending that everyone watches on the television from home,” the official Xinjiang Daily quoted the Communist Party boss of the region’s sports administration, Li Guangming, as saying.
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“Do not shout slogans that damage the image of the nation or of the city,” the Urumqi Evening News said, outlining a long list of behaviour that was similarly banned, including not taking pets along to look at the spectacle or setting off fireworks.

Tues 06.17.08
FROM THE DESK OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF CHINA.
IN RE: OLYMPIC TORCH RELAY IN XINJIANG
ADDR: HONORABLE CITIZENS OF URUMQI

Most esteemed comrades:

Just a friendly reminder to enjoy this afternoon’s torch relay from the best seats in the house—your own! Ha ha ha ha!

WHILE VIEWING THE RELAY ON TELEVISION FROM INSIDE YOUR OWN HOME IT IS FORBIDDEN TO CONTEMPLATE OR DISCUSS THE FOLLOWING.

1) Slogans that damage the image of the nation or of the city
2) Subversive uses of fireworks
3) The origin of the many well-behaved and non-Muslim-looking citizens of Urumqi that are attending the relay
4) The possibility of training your pet to extinguish the torch with a single well-timed jet of its own urine
5) The extreme implausibility of the citizens of Urumqi being moved, upon first sighting the torch, spontaneously to burst into a perfectly tuned performance of “Turandot” with costumes and a full orchestra
6) The notion that surely the original intent of relaying the torch throughout China was to indicate national unity, and indeed bolster it by including all parts of China as witness to a moving, time-honored ritual celebrating the greatness and nobility of the human race
7) Also how come the attendees get to have all that delicious ice cream

We hope you enjoy the relay!

Your comrade,
Li Guangming
Boss, Xinjiang Sports Administration Council

P.S.  It is imperative that you not leave your house for the duration of the relay, lest you damage the facade that may or may not have been erected in front of your home.

Tags: politics, international relations, china, olympics, xinjiang, screamingly hollow gestures, urumqi, uighurs, turandot