[A] temporary Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death in a rush of thousands of early morning shoppers as he and other employees attempted to unlock the doors of a Long Island, New York, store at 5 a.m., police said.
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Wal-Mart spokesman Kelly Cheeseman issued a statement saying, “We are saddened to report that a gentleman who was working for a temporary agency on our behalf died at the store and a few other customers were injured.”

Cheeseman continued: “This gentleman, while not a member of the Wal-Mart family, was at least as dear to us as a distant adopted cousin would have been. In his honor, we would like to make the ultimate gesture to his family: up to 25% off any of our sale items, which have already been so grossly, recklessly undervalued as to engender a wanton disregard for human saf… um, our prices are very low.

“Speaking of our low, low prices, we would also like to apologize deeply to our customers for any inconvenience this peripheral gentleman’s inopportune death may have caused. We assure you that further trampling-related deaths and maimings will be handled with minimal interruption to your Wal-Mart shopping experience. We ask that customers who come upon such an obstruction kindly notify any greeters who are still ambulatory.”

Tags: holidays, long island, walmart, shopping, christmas, undervaluation gone spinning berserkly out of control into the semantic abyss, trampling