Lisa Opie, the Channel Five managing director of content, has resigned today, closely following the departure of the chief executive, Jane Lighting.

The pair have quit the broadcaster after its owner, RTL Group, hired Dawn Airey, the ITV managing director of global content, to replace Lighting.

RTL Group: So nice to see you, Jane.
Jane Lighting: Cut the crap. What’s this all about?
RTL: You’re being replaced.
Jane: What? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this job!
RTL: Yes, you have. You’ve done fantastic work.
Jane: Then why am I being replaced?
RTL: How can I put this delicately? Your name, it… it just isn’t funny enough.
Jane: This is ridiculous! You can’t fire me because my name isn’t funny.
RTL: Yes, many Channel Five employees share that misconception. Check your contract.
Jane: But—but my last name is Lighting! Come on, that’s pretty funny.
RTL: I thought so too, at first.  That’s why I hired you.  Especially since we do TV—you know, cameras and lighting and whatnot.  But the competition for ratings is brutal these days, Jane.  Don’t feel too bad—your buddy Lisa Opie is in the same boat.
Jane: But Lisa and I increased our ratings by six percent!
RTL: And if you both also had funny first names I can’t help but wonder how much more they could have increased.  Just think about Dawn Airey—every part of that name is hilarious!  Holy crap.  I’d watch any TV show that name was a part of, and I’ve got a hunch viewers will too.
Jane: But—
RTL: But nothing. I mean, no offense, but Jane? That is the plainest name there is. Your parents really shot you in the foot with that one. They might as well have named you Blah Blah Boring-Name O’Nondescript. Actually, that’s pretty good. Tell you what, legally change your name to Blah Blah Boring-Name O’Nondescript and then we can talk.
Jane: I just—I think you’re overestimating the importance of a silly name.
RTL: Let me tell you a story. A little girl with a funny name and not much else builds a TV station from the ground up.  You know who that little girl was, Jane?  That was me.  And that name… is RTL Group. RTL Group, Jane. My entire life, when people see it written down on paper, they think that I’m a company, not a single person. When I meet people for the first time they ask what the RTL stands for and I have to explain that it doesn’t stand for anything.  It’s just a weird-ass name.
Jane:
RTL: It’s just a… a weird-ass name.

Tags: entertainment, business, television, blah blah boring-name o'nondescript