Smokers will be stopped in the street and asked to take a carbon monoxide test in London’s most hard-hitting anti-smoking campaign.

‘Smoking police’ will target people at betting shops, bus stops and shopping centres to shock them into giving up cigarettes.

They will be asked to breathe into a monitor to show how much carbon monoxide is in their bodies, and could then be signed up to local stop-smoking services and given access to counsellors. 

[Busy street. Man in jeans, trainers and track-top waits by bus stop, smoking]

Man with clipboard: Hello there, I notice you’re both working class and smoking a cigarette. Do you have a moment?
Man with cigarette: What?
Man with clipboard: I’m part of London’s new Cigarette Usage Nullification Team. We’ve been employed by the borough council to patronise and humiliate working class people into giving up smoking.
Man with cigarette: I don’t want to give up smoking.
Man with clipboard: Chortle and guffaw! You working class types are so funny. Of course you do.
Man with cigarette: I like smoking.
Man with clipboard: No you don’t. Now, would you like to blow into this gadget to see how much carbon monoxide is in your body? That’s if you have any breath left at all!
Man with cigarette: Huh?
Man with clipboard: Carbon monoxide. It’s a poisonous gas.
Man with cigarette: No shit.
Man with clipboard: Yes, really. Now come on, one big blow.
Man with cigarette: Listen mate, I’m just waiting for the bus.
Man with clipboard: If you don’t immediately give up smoking, you’re going to die.
Man with cigarette: If you don’t immediately leave me alone, you’re going to die.
Man with clipboard: Ho ho ho! You don’t scare me! We’ve been trained to deal with your anger and aggression. I’ve brought a counsellor with me to deal with the situation.
Woman with clipboard: Hello! I’m your friendly counsellor. It must be hard being so working class and aggressive and addicted to nicotine. Would you like to talk about it?
Man with clipboard: Or, alternatively, we can offer you one of our stop-smoking services, such as this one…
Man with cigarette: Bloody ‘ell! That’s a machete!
Man with clipboard and machete: Yes! Down at the Cigarette Usage Nullification Team Station, we worked out that, if we cut off people’s hands, they’d find it much harder to put cigarettes in their mouths.
Man with cigarette: What the –
Man with clipboard and machete: Now, would you like to blow into this tube?
Woman with clipboard: Or talk about how your abusive father force-fed you cigarettes as a boy?
Man with cigarette [looking increasingly petrified]: My father wasn’t abusive!
Woman with clipboard: Of course he was, otherwise you wouldn’t be using the bus.
Man with clipboard and machete: Or frequenting betting shops.
Woman with clipboard: Or SMOKING!
Man with cigarette: Huh? Look … why are you picking on me? I’m not the only smoker here. That bloke’s smoking too!
Man with clipboard and machete: Ah yes, but he’s wearing a suit. He already knows that smoking is bad for you.
Man with cigarette: So do I! I just enjoy it!
[Bus arrives. Man with cigarette hastily puts it out and jumps on.]
Woman with clipboard: Well, I think we can put that one down as a tick.
Man with clipboard and machete: Yes, we definitely made him give up smoking. Skinny Decaf Frappuccino to celebrate?
Woman with clipboard: I don’t think they sell coffee in areas like this.
Man with clipboard and machete: Can of coke?
Woman with clipboard: Splendid!

Tags: science, condescension, health, the working class, carbon monoxide, smoking