The liberalisation of the UK postal service has produced “no significant benefits” for either households or small businesses, a report has said.

That is the initial finding of an independent review of the UK postal sector commissioned by the government.

It warned there was now a threat to the Royal Mail’s financial stability.

The Royal Mail’s 350-year monopoly ended at the start of 2006, when other licensed operators were given the right to collect and deliver mail.

It was 4:35pm in the upstairs office of No Shit! News. Instant coffee was being slurped as ties were loosened and shirt sleeves rolled up. The near-silent air conditioning slowly dried the skin of the frantic desk-jockeys as they rang round their contacts trying to find a story before the 5pm deadline. Outside, it was probably raining.
“Mitchell!”
“Yes boss!”
“What have you got for me?”
Mitchell looked flustered. “Uh ... “
“I need a scoop, son. Davies over there got me that Royal Mail story yesterday. It’s your turn to come up with the goods.”
“Uh, it’s been a slow day, sir.”
“I don’t care, Mitchell. No Shit! News prides itself on breaking the most painfully obvious pieces of information to a hungry and expectant world. Now what’s on your shortlist?”
Mitchell ran his fingers through his increasingly greasy hair, looking slightly coy. “Well, I’ve got a couple of leads, sir,” he said, handing his boss, Mr Taut O’Logy, the piece of paper. Mitchell’s shortlist consisted of five potential headlines:

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER HEAT COMES FROM SUN
WATER PROVED ‘EXCELLENT’ AT QUENCHING THIRST
ELTON JOHN CLAIMS SIEGFRIED & ROY ‘MIGHT BE GAY’
NEW MOTHER MAGAZINE GIVES ROLE-MODEL OF THE YEAR AWARD TO BRITNEY SPEARS
CUBAN GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES FIDEL CASTRO ‘NOT TO HOLIDAY IN FLORIDA THIS YEAR’

Mr O’Logy looked back at Mitchell. “Are all these stories true?” he asked, wide-eyed.
“I’m afraid not, sir,” Mitchell replied. “I made up the one about Britney.”
“But the others?”
“Yes sir, the others are all true.”
“Genius!” Mr O’logy shouted, waving the shortlist around in the air. “You’ve saved my bacon once again, son. We’ll splash all of them on the website straight away. Estella in Accounting will work out a suitable bonus tomorrow. Good work, Mitchell.”
“Thank you, sir,” Mitchell said, watching his boss stride triumphantly from the room.

Tags: britain, business, royal mail, un-unbelievable news