Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden is writing a new book, ‘Nidal’, as a response to “negative propaganda and insufficient information” about the terrorism network, citing unnamed Pakistani sources.

excerpt, Nidal, p. 823.

Myths and Facts about Al-Qaeda (contd.)

Myth: Al-Qaeda is primarily a terrorism network.
Fact: Western propagandists have consistently portrayed Al-Qaeda as an organization whose sole objective is terrorism.  This could not be further from the truth.  Al-Qaeda ("the rakish one") was founded in 1956 by a Cairene haberdasher named Mahmoud Al-Jalib, and for decades Al-Qaeda was synonymous with affordable, high-quality headwear.  In 1991, Al-Qaeda expanded its operations into the footwear, underwear, terrorism, and handbag industries.  Today, Al-Qaeda exports garments to all corners of the world.  Check the label on your briefs!  Chances are you’ll find our mascot, the Tiger Of Islam.  (And look closely—if the Tiger Of Islam has a visible erection, it means your underwear contains a fatal bio-engineered disease.)

Myth: Al-Qaeda does not participate in charity.
Fact: Qaring for Qids™, the charitable arm of Al-Qaeda, has raised SAR230 million for kids suffering from polio, lupus, and edificiophobia, the fear of tall menacing buildings.  Additionally, in 2009, we are excited to unveil Al-Qontraceptives™, a family-planning aid that will be provided free of charge at participating pharmacies.  Our lawyers require us to note that we will be using Al-Qontraceptives™ records of purchase to identify and murder non-conservative Muslims.  Which means that Al-Qontraceptives™ have a guaranteed 100% success rate!

Myth: Allah is not great.
Fact: Allah is the shit.

Myth: Al-Qaeda’s mascot, the Tiger Of Islam, is a homosexual.
Fact: The Tiger Of Islam does not have a perpetual erection because he is a homosexual.  The Tiger Of Islam has a perpetual erection because lady tigers do not wear modest clothing.  Homosexual Westerners, if you are reading this, we urge you to please cease inscribing the image of the Tiger Of Islam on your dildos.  Up until this point we have refrained from putting up Clay Aiken posters in our mosques, but that can change.

Myth: Al-Qaeda does not offer life insurance to its members.
Fact: Most of our employees receive highly competitive life insurance policies.

Tags: international relations, terrorism, homosexuality, tiger of islam, qaring for qids, anthrax, osama bin laden, al-qaeda