When going for a hug, make it clear what you were doing. You don’t want to catch the huggee off guard. Start by spreading your hands wide, with your right hand about 20 centimeters higher than the left. Lean back ever so slightly—this is a non-threatening stance making it clear you are not about to attack. Tilt your head to the left. This lets your huggee know where you’re going, so they can do the opposite. Otherwise there may be an embarrassing collision.

How to Recover From a Rebuffed Attempt to Cite Thomas Pynchon as Your Favorite Author.

A man and woman talking over coffee.
Narrator: Today’s modern individual loves to read.
Man and woman pull books out of purses, share looks of astonishment and delight.
Narrator: Books have developed from a niche industry to one of popular culture that every semi-educated homunculus knows something about.
Man and woman browsing in a bookstore.
Narrator: Reading can show your sensitive, intellectual side, and a unique bookshelf, like a unique iTunes playlist, can be the sign of a unique individual.
Return to café. Man and woman both have books out.
Narrator: Now that you’ve seen Video Jug’s Introductory Phonics and Video Jug’s Basic Reading videos, you’re prepared to have reading interests and share those with friends and family, but you should be careful which books you choose to share.
Man points to copy of Gravity’s Rainbow while woman holds copy of The Kite Runner. Woman’s look turns sour. Man’s look: confused.
Narrator: Easy there, boy. Save the heavy hitters for later on. If you’re going to get Pynchonian…
Man pulls out Vineland.
Narrator: …then start with one of his shorter works, or Vineland, which is more easily readable for anyone born in the 80s.
Woman’s look is now one of abiding interest.
Narrator: But even then you should be prepared for a rebuff.
Woman is disdainful. Man turns to camera in shock and fear. In the background, an explosion, then shouts of distress.
Narrator: In the case of a Pynchon rebuff, your first response should immediately be Harry Potter.
Man heaves 1400-page book out from under table. Woman’s face now bears a sly smile.
Narrator: The universal appeal of J.K. Rowling’s teenage wizard can quell the literary confusion in almost any individual. Mention that you liked the third movie best…
Man mouths “Prisoner of Azkaban.”
Narrator: …but don’t forget to add that you preferred the original Dumbledore.
Man mouths “Richard Harris.”
Woman is now several different women.  All of them are writhing around sultrily and wearing Dumbledore hats.  One is wearing only a Dumbledore hat.
Narrator: Another option is to keep a copy of Haruki Murakami’s The Elephant Vanishes on hand, as it’s light, unisex, international, and very difficult to hate.
Woman is holding up a sign. It reads, “I Am Nonplussed.”
Narrator: Now you’ve recovered from a rebuffed Pynchon citation. Done.

Tags: literature, writhing around sultrily while wearing dumbledore hat, j.k. rowling, thomas pynchon, haruki murakami, self-help, harry potter