Want all the hassle of air travel without going anywhere?

Step up for JetBlue Airways Corp’s trial of bag check and security systems at its new John F. Kennedy International Airport terminal, which is set to open in September.

New York-based JetBlue is looking for 1,000 of its frequent flyers to show up at JFK on August 23 to check bags given to them by the airline, go through security and wait at the assigned gate for their imaginary “flight”.

In return, the airline is promising unspecified “giveaways”, free parking and lunch.

Security Screener: Sir, could you please remove your shoes?
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Well, it’s just like normal security lines so far!  Ha ha ha!
Security Screener: Sir, there’s no room for levity here.
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Sorry.  Shoes: off!
Security Screener: And your belt?

Would passengers for flight zero zero zero to Nowhere please proceed to the boarding area.  Passengers for flight zero zero zero to Nowhere.

JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Belt: off!
Security Screener: And the pants, as well.
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Ha!  I guess there is room for levity!!  Good one, dude.
Security Screener: Sir. The pants.

Attention, passengers for flight zero zero zero: we regret to inform you that your flight has been delayed for approximately one hour.  We will update you as soon as we have more information.

JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Oh, you’re being serious?  I have to take off my pants.
Security Screener: Please accept this giveaway of a JetBlue-patterened hospital gown.
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Hey, this is actually a pretty nice gown!
Security Screener: Please also remove your shirt.

Attention, passengers for flight zero zero zero: unfortunately, the plane that is not actually being used for this imaginary flight is stuck in an unseasonal snowstorm in Denver.  The delay is now estimated at five hours and thirty minutes.

JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Well, you can’t take much more of my clothes… or my dignity!
Security Screener glares hostilely.
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Oh yeah, sorry.  Um, so, can I have my bag back now?
Security Screener: I’m sorry, sir.  The bag looked suspicious on the monitors, so we had to burn it as a precaution.
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: You burned my bag?
Security Screener: Please accept this giveaway of a JetBlue carry-on bag.
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Hey, cool!  This will be great to put all my stuff in… when I get new stuff.

Attention, passengers for flight zero zero zero: We regret to inform you that your imaginary flight has been cancelled.  Please go to JetBlue.com to request your voucher for a free imaginary hotel room. (Please be prepared to pay a small shipping and handling charge for the vouchers.)

JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: What a day!  Man, am I ready for that free lunch.
Perky Woman in a JetBlue Beret #1: Biscotti, or blue potato chips?
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: No thanks, I don’t want to spoil my appetite for lunch.
Perky Woman in a JetBlue Beret #1: Biscotti. Or blue potato chips.
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: Um.
Perky Woman in a JetBlue Beret #1:
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834: I’d, er… like to go… home.
Perky Woman in a JetBlue Beret #2: Your home has been destroyed by an invisible airplane crash.
JetBlue Frequent Flyer #834:
Perky Woman in a JetBlue Beret #2: Give him an extra thing of chips.
Perky Woman in a JetBlue Beret #2: Extra chips!

Tags: economics, jetblue, airplanes, airlines, biscotti, invisible airplane crash, extra chips